


Safe and Sound

by Spiderlass



Series: The Superheroes and Teddy Bears Verse [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, And Captain America, Baby Harry, Baby MJ, Baby Peter, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Clint Barton & Bobbi Morse Friendship, Deaf Clint Barton, He likes Tony and Transformers, I'm keeping the arc reactor okay, In that Clint tries to be Bobbi's wingman, Iron Man 3 Compliant, Kidfic, M/M, Maria Hill is not good with kids, Norman Osborn is a terrible dad, Panic Attacks, Pepper is the best, Peter is the most timid four year old in the world, Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Steve attempts to bond with him, Superfamily (Marvel), Thor: The Dark World Compliant, To varying degrees of success, Tony is a good dad, Wanda Maximoff: Reality Warper, clint is a butt, eventually, sort of, well four-year-olds but close enough
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 96,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2288144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiderlass/pseuds/Spiderlass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Steve Rogers moved into Avengers Tower, he expected a bit of chaos.<br/>He did NOT expect Tony Stark's four-year-old son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write something Superfamily related that involved Baby!Peter.  
> This happened.

It was kind of weird, being stateside again after six months of searching for his brain-washed best friend throughout Europe.

New York was a lot warmer than Siberia, thankfully, but it still kind of felt like a foreign country to him. Even after all this time, after being back for well over a year, it was still so strange to see how much the city he once called home had changed.

Seventy years could do that, he supposed.

At least he’d gotten used to getting his shield through automatic sliding doors.

“Morning, Cap.” A familiar voice greeted behind him, one that made the super-soldier grin as he turned around.

“Morning, Nat.”

She grinned hugely at him, walking over and giving him a quick, but warm hug.

“Missed me?”

“Shut it. I’m just glad that you didn’t freeze your patriotic ass off, cause I’d be the one who had to drag it back.”

“Hah, and what makes you so sure that you’d be able to find my patriotic ass?”

“Please Rogers, I know Siberia like the back of my hand.”

“Well, that woulda been helpful.” Sam muttered as he walked in, a box under each of his arms. “This genius got us lost a grand total of _way_ too many times.”

“Weren’t _you_ in charge of the map?”

“What good is a map in the middle of Siberia? There’s literally snow _everywhere_.”

“You didn’t _have_ to come.”

“Yeah, but then you _would_ have frozen off your patriotic ass.”

Steve rolled his eyes, his eyes wandering over towards the door for just a second when he saw another familiar face.

“Ah, here’s another one.” The super soldier murmured, pointing at the door. “Barton, right?”

Luckily for Natasha, Steve was a kind man. One that wouldn’t tease her for the way her gaze softened when she saw the archer, how her face flushed just a tiny bit when their eyes met.

Sam, however, was not so kind.

“Aw, Nat, you _do_ have feelings!”

“Swear to god, Wilson.” She muttered as she walked towards her fellow former SHIELD Agent, turning around and making an ‘I’ve got my eye on you’ gesture for a moment before turning back to face front.

“‘Love is for children’, she said.” Steve commented with a chuckle. “Knew that line was bull from the start.”

“Too bad. I was gonna ask her out for dinner.”

“Didn’t peg you for the stupid type.”

“Hey, it could happen!”

“In what universe?”

“Now, boys, you shouldn’t start fighting just yet. You’ve only been here a couple minutes.” A woman said behind them, her voice accompanied by the sound of high heels clicking against a tile floor.

“Ah, hello, Ms. Potts.”

Pepper smiled warmly at him. “Please, Captain, call me Pepper.”

Steve returned the smile. “Alright, then, Pepper. Where’s Tony?”

“Upstairs. Actually, there’s something I need to tell you about-!”

Steve sighed, walking towards the elevator. “Can you tell me on the way? I just got off a long flight from Siberia, kinda jet-lagged.”

“Ditto here.” Sam agreed as he followed him, punctuating his sentence with a yawn.

“I, uh, I don’t really think that it’s that sort of news...” She started to explain, getting into the elevator with them.

“I’m sorry, Pepper, but if takes longer than the ride up, then I don’t think I have the energy to pay attention.” The soldier said as the doors closed, resisting the urge to lean back against the elevator and fall asleep.

Pepper sighed, pressing the button to the top floor. “Fine. I tried to warn you.”

Steve chuckled as the elevator started to rise up. “Trust me, ma’am, I think I can handle anything that Tony can throw at me.”

“Oh, you’d be surprised.”

The soldier chuckled once more as the elevator came to a halt. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

The elevator doors hissed open, revealing the huge, open area before them.

Sam whistled appreciatively. “Stark didn’t spare any expense, huh?”

“Tony’s got a different definition of ‘expensive’ than most people.”

“How so?”

“Well, let me put it this way: The only thing he’d really have to save up to buy is the _moon_.”

“The fuck would he do with the moon?”

“If the plans I found in his lab are any indication, build a moonbase.”

Steve chuckled as he walked over to the couch. “God help us if Tony ever manages to build a moonbase.”

“You said it. Anyway, your floors are still being set up. They should be ready for move-in at around two.”

The soldier hummed as he set his bag and his shield down, laying down on the couch. “Wake me up then, I guess.”

He heard both Pepper and Sam chuckle, followed by the sound of footsteps coming closer and then moving farther away.

Steve sighed contentedly, wriggling around until he was comfortable and closing his eyes. He’d rather be asleep in a bed, but a quick nap on a couch would have to do.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, though, he heard footsteps coming towards him, closer and closer until they stopped. A soft clang rang out next to him, one that could only have been someone lifting up his shield.

“Put it down, Tony.” He scolded half-heartedly, not once opening his eyes.

He heard a sharp gasp, one that sounded _nothing_ like Tony, followed by a much louder clang. Steve opened his eyes, jolting upright in shock.

His eyes widened when he saw who had picked up his shield.

A small, brown-haired boy, one that couldn’t be more than four years old, stared back at him, big, fearful eyes hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses.

“... You’re not Tony.”

The little boy swallowed nervously, saying nothing to the super-soldier.

Steve sighed, swinging his legs around so that he was sitting normally on the sofa.

“Where did you come from, huh, buddy?”

The child was still silent, taking a step back.

Steve smiled gently at him. “Sorry if I scared you. I thought you were someone else. My name’s Steve. What’s yours?”

Still nothing. The soldier was starting to feel a little awkward.

“Uh... where are your parents? You really shouldn’t be running around here all by yourself, you know.”

Silence.

Steve sighed, leaning back on the couch and running a hand through his hair. Great. Now he’d scared a poor little kid. Some hero.

“So... you’re just gonna stare at me, huh?”

The boy shifted his gaze to the ground, gripping the bottom of his slightly-oversized sweater tightly.

“... wan’ Pepper.”

The soldier’s eyes widened when he heard the boy finally speak, staring at the kid.

“Pardon?”

“I wan’ Aunt Pepper. Or my daddy.”

“Aunt... Pepper?” Steve’s lips turned up in a smile. “Alright, let’s go find Pepper.” He said softly, standing up.

The little boy’s eyes widened, and he shook his head wildly.

“No!”

The soldier’s eyes widened in shock. “No?”

Suddenly, the child scurried off, running towards the door to the stairs just as Sam came out.

“The hell was that?”

“I... have no idea.”

* * *

 

Tony sighed, standing back and admiring his work.

“Well, that’s the last of ‘em. Isn’t she a beaut, Jarvis?”

“ _If by ‘she’ you mean the armor, then I suppose ‘she’ is quite lovely, sir_.”

“Not even your snarky comments can bring me down now, Jarvis. After eight months of work, I’m finally done restoring my armory.”

“ _Well done, sir. Shall I order a cake?_ ”

“Eh, why the hell not.” The genius answered as he cleaned off his hands, unable to keep the grin off his face.

There was a sudden, shrill beep.

“What’s up, Jarvis?”

“ _Master Peter is at the door, sir. Shall I let him in?_ ”

Tony grinned even more. “Do you even have to ask?”

“ _Of course. What was I thinking_?”

The door to the workshop hissed open, tiny footsteps bounding down the stairs towards him.

“Daddy!”

The inventor chuckled, kneeling down to Peter’s eye level. The boy nearly tackled him in a hug, wrapping his arms around Tony’s neck. The genius grinned, ruffling his son’s hair a little.

“Hey there, Pete. What’s happening?”

“Cap’n ‘Merica is upstairs on the couch!”

The genius frowned, staring at his son with a surprised look. “Seriously? He’s early. Ah, well. Did you say hi to him?”

The boy suddenly shifted his gaze to his feet. “Uh... I kinda tried to pick up his shield, an’ then he told me to put it down- but he thought I was you, so he was kinda mean ‘bout it- an’ then he said he was sorry that he yelled at me, an’ then I told him I wanted Aunt Pepper an’ then I ran away.”

“You... you ran away from Captain America.”

“Yeah...”

“But you love Captain America!”

“But he’s real tall in person!”

Tony sighed, picking his son up and walking out of the lab.

“Kiddo, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Steve’s a big softie.”

“But he’s so tall!”

“Heh, wait until you meet Thor. Besides, the Hulk’s tall, and you’re not afraid of _him_ , are you?”

“The Hulk likes to color, though! An’ Uncle Bruce is real nice!”

“I bet Steve would color with you if you asked him to. And he’s really nice.”

“But what if he’s mad ‘cause I tried to take his shield?”

“Then I’ll punch him.”

“You’d punch Cap’n ‘Merica?”

“Kid, I’d punch _Odin_ in the face for ya.”

Peter giggled, hugging his father.

“I love you, Daddy.”

Tony smiled, pressing a kiss into his hair. “Love ya too, Pete. Now, whaddaya say we go meet the Avengers, huh?”

* * *

 

“Run that by me _one_ more time?”

Pepper sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Okay, okay. Do you remember that incident about four months ago? The one with the robots?”

“Uh... well, I was kinda in Kiev at the time, so... no.” Steve admitted. “Someone wanna bring me up to speed?”

“Okay, crazy dictator, killer robots, Fantastic Four, Doom hamming it up, blah blah blah, what does that have to do with the fact that _Tony Stark has a kid_?” Clint prompted, earning a shove from his partner.

“Everything, considering that was when Tony first met Peter. His... his guardians were both killed in the attack. Tony found him hiding in a closet.” She smiled softly. “Tony... got attached. Refused to let him go into foster care. So he made all the arrangements, went through the adoption process, and now... well, Peter’s been living here for about a month.”

“You said he was living with ‘guardians’ beforehand?” Natasha asked, obviously trying to remain stoic, but Steve could see the sadness in her eyes.

“His aunt and uncle. Ben and May Parker. Peter’s parents died in a plane crash when he was around a year old.”

“He’s... he’s an orphan, then.” Steve stated, feeling his heart drop.

“Afraid so. He’s a very sweet kid, you know, but he’s...”

“Timid?”

“Extremely so, yes.”

“Hard to blame him. Poor kid lost both his biological and adoptive parents before he even started kindergarten.” Sam said with a sigh. “I’d say he’s still adjusting to all the changes.” He glanced over at Steve. “And I’d say finding Captain America on his couch didn’t help.”

Steve gave him a sheepish look.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it.” Someone said from the doorway.

Pepper grinned as she turned towards the newcomer.

“The mad scientist emerges.” She quipped. “Should I be expecting a creature made of dead body parts to escape from your lab?”

“Har de har har.” Bruce replied, rolling his eyes. “Haven’t heard _that_ one before.”

“Glad to see working for Stark hasn’t driven you up the wall, Banner.” Natasha said with a small smile.

“It’s not so bad. Occassionally I have to remind him to eat and sleep, but he’s pretty easy to work with.” The scientist frowned. “Though I could do without all the AC/DC.”

Clint laughed. “Let me guess: he likes to blast ‘Iron Man’ at all hours?” He turned to Steve. “See, ‘Iron Man’ is this song by this band-”

“I know what it is, Barton.”

“Okay, just checking.”

“Anyway,” Bruce started again. “You’ve really got nothing to worry about, Steve. Kid worships the ground you walk on.”

Steve arched an eyebrow. “I find that hard to believe.”

Bruce shrugged. “Fine, don’t believe me.” He said with a grin as he walked over to one of the couches and grabbed something. “Believe Captain Ameri-bear.”

Steve’s eyes went wide with shock. “Holy hell, they still _make_ those?”

“They do _not_. Stopped in the seventies.” Natasha said with just a hint of a smirk on her face.

As if on cue, Clint burst out laughing.

“What?”

“Heh- n-nothing, just- oh, man, what I would pay to see a picture of _that_ -!”

“Picture of what?”

Everyone turned towards the elevator, which Tony had just stepped out of, the same little boy from before- Peter, Steve reminded himself- glancing at them for only a second before burying his face in the crook of Tony’s neck.

Pepper smiled, walking over to them and placing a hand on Peter’s back.

“Hi, Peter.”

“... Hi, Pepper.”

Tony cleared his throat. “Alright, let’s just get this out of the way. Everyone, this is Peter Parker. I’m keeping him. Don’t like it? Too bad. We clear? Good.”

“ _Tony_ ,” Pepper chastised, taking Peter when he reached out to her.

“What? It’s the truth!”

The CEO sighed, shifting Peter around in her arms and turning towards the team.

“Petey,” She started softly, smiling at him encouragingly. “Why don’t you say hello to everyone?”

The little boy stared at the group with wide, fearful eyes, his lips pursed tightly as he clung to Pepper’s jacket.

“... hi.” He squeaked, ducking back into the crook of Pepper’s neck a second later.

Steve pursed his lips for a moment, a thought coming to him. Quickly, he walked over to Bruce.

“Can I borrow that?” He asked, pointing at the teddy-bear version of him.

Understanding flashed in the scientist’s eyes, who quickly handed the toy to him.

“Thanks.”

The soldier walked back over to Pepper and Peter, who was staring at him with both curiosity and caution.

“I’ve been told this belongs to you?” He said gently, holding up the costumed teddy bear.

Peter’s eyes widened, his cheeks turning slightly pink, as did, for some inexplicable reason, Tony’s.

“Y... Yeah...” The little boy mumbled, taking the toy and holding it tightly to his chest.

Tony cleared his throat. “Petey, what do you say?”

“Fank you, Cap’n ‘Merica.”

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle. “You’re welcome. And you can just call me Steve.”

The boy’s eyes widened in shock, looking a lot like a deer in the headlights.

“D... Daddy?” He said suddenly, turning towards Tony and reaching out.

“Yes, sweetie?” The inventor replied, taking his son in his arms.

The little boy whispered something in Tony’s ear, which caused the genius to chuck.

“Third door on the left, kiddo.” He instructed as he put his son down.

Peter nodded, glancing up at Steve one last time before scurrying off.

“Cute kid. Doesn’t talk much, does he?” Natasha commented.

“Y... Yeah, we’re, uh, we’re working on it.”

Suddenly, Pepper’s phone let off a sharp ping. She dug it out of her bag, taking a look at it.

“Oh, looks like they’re done with your floor, Steve.”

“Oh thank god.” The soldier murmured, suddenly seeming to remember just how tired he was. With another yawn, he walked over towards the elevator, accidentally bumping Tony’s arm with his own.

“Oh, uh, sorry.” He apologized, not missing how the genius winced.

“It’s, uh, fine. Don’t worry about it.” He mumbled, rubbing his arm gingerly.

Steve smiled awkwardly at him, pressing the button to open the elevator and getting in.

“Oh, and uh, sorry that I scared your... your uh, kid.”

Tony just shot him a smile as the doors slid closed.

The soldier sighed, running a hand through his hair.

Peter wasn’t the only one reeling from all the change in his life, it seemed.

* * *

 

“Soo....” Clint said, nearly scaring the shit out of Tony when he dropped out of the vents and into the genius’ workshop. “You’re a dad now.”

“What the fuck, Barton?!” Tony yelled, turning around to glare at the archer. “That weird ninja shit might fly at SHIELD, but here in the _normal_ world, people don’t crawl around in vents and scare people!”

“Don’t avoid the subject. _You’re_ a _father_ now. To the world’s most timid four-year-old.”

“We’re working on it!”

“By ‘we’, do you mean you and your omnipresent robot voice?”

“One, Jarvis is an AI, and two, no. I’ve been... I’ve been taking him to see a therapist.”

“A therapist?”

“Yeah. Works with a friend of Bruce’s.” He turned back to his work. “He’s been getting better, you know. Just a couple of weeks ago he wouldn’t say more than a few words to _Pepper_. And he _loves_ Pepper.”

Clint hummed, laying down on one of the couches Tony had set up in his lab. “Kinda seems like he’s scared of us.”

Tony snorted. “Have you forgotten that Natasha can kill a man with her _underwear_?”

“Hell no. I’ve seen her do it. It was _awesome_.” Clint sighed. “Still, you gotta admit that he’s a little too cautious for his own good.”

“He just... he just needs some time, Barton. Peter... he’s been through a lot.”

“If you say so. By the way, didn’t take you for a Captain America fanboy.”

Tony nearly jumped out of his skin. “I, uh, what, no, you-?! How did you-?!”

“Newsflash, Stark, they stopped making Captain Ameri-bear in 1974. You can’t even find them online anymore- only way to get one is if you owned one before they stopped making them.” He could almost _hear_ the grin in Clint’s voice. “Where’s Bucky Bear? They sold ‘em as a matching set.”

“Sh-Shut up! _Everyone_ had them!”

“Sure they did. That’s why they had to stop production due to abysmally low sales.”

“You know what, I don’t even know why I’m talking to you!”

“Because you love our deep, engaging conversations?”

“Say, Barton, you ever been hit with an arc-reactor-powered taser?”

The sound of the door to the vent swinging was all the answer he needed.

****  



	2. Many Happy Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Peter bond over Transformers, despite most of the terminology sounding like useless jargon to Steve. Tony is going to need a new landing deck. Clint and Natasha are let in on a few secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun one to write. Especially because I get to put Transformers in there.

Before waking up in the twenty-first century, Steve had never really been a fan of coffee.

Truth be told, it was a pretty recent thing, one that was totally the fault of one Natasha Romanov. There was a time when he could wake up and be perfectly aware, no caffeine necessary.

Now? He was pretty much a _zombie_ in the morning.

Luckily for him, the kitchen was on the floor below his.

“Coffee...” He murmured as he exited the elevator, shuffling over towards the kitchen.

“On the top shelf, Daddy. Right where it always is.” A small voice called from over by the television, startling Steve a bit.

“E... Excuse me?”

Peter poked his head over the top of the couch, his eyes going wide when he saw Steve.

“Ah- you... you’re not Daddy.”

“Last I checked, no, I’m not.” Steve replied, smiling warmly. “Good morning, Peter.”

“... M... Morning.” The little boy squeaked, quickly ducking back out of sight.

The soldier sighed, getting the coffee beans- they were right where the boy had said they’d be- and putting them in the machine. While the coffee-maker whirred, he glanced back over at the couch. He couldn’t see Peter at all, but he could see the TV quite clearly- the boy was watching a cartoon, one that seemed to involve giant robots.

“Ratchet, can you use the cell phone’s signal to triangulate the children’s location?” One of the robots, a huge one that was red, blue, and white, asked.

“In a _parallel dimensional plane?!_ ” Another, smaller robot whom Steve assumed was Ratchet shouted incredulously. “... Let’s find out.”

Peter giggled loudly at that, and even Steve found himself chuckling a bit at the line.

While the show cut to a scene on a ship far above the Earth, the coffee-maker beeped, signalling that it was done. Steve hummed as he picked it up, pausing for a moment before heading over towards the couch.

“So,” He began as he sat down, “What are we watching?”

The boy jumped, nearly losing his grip on the weird, colorful cube in his hands.

“Uh, um, uh...” He mumbled, staring at his lap and twisting the layers of the toy nervously. “... Transformers.”

Steve hummed in response, taking a sip of his coffee. “Don’t know too much about Transformers, I’m afraid.”

“You _don’t?!_ ” Peter cried incredulously, staring at Steve with wide eyes.

“Nope.” He leaned forward, watching the action carefully. “Who’s that one?”

“That’s Starscream. He tried to take over the Decepticons- they’re the bad guys- but then Megatron- he’s the biggest bad guy- came back and beat him up.”

“Huh. And who’s the red guy with the... is that an _arm_?”

“Uh-huh. Starscream lost his arm earlier ‘cause he tried to make a zombie Decepticon. The guy holding it is Knockout. He’s like the Ratchet of the Decepticons, but he’s real mean. Also he doesn’t like it when you mess up his paint job.”

“Alright.” The soldier replied, too glad that Peter was actually talking to him without stuttering to care that everything he was saying sounded like nonsense. “And now where are we?”

“The Autobot base.”

“And the Autobots are...?”

“The good guys! They’re, like, the robot versions of the Avengers!”

“Huh. Okay, so the one at the computer is Ratchet, right?”

“Yup! He’s the team’s doctor. He’s real grumpy.”

Steve chuckled. “And that one?”

“Bulkhead. He’s the biggest- no, wait, _second_ biggest Autobot.”

“And who’s the biggest?”

“Optimus Prime, of course!”

“Which one is that?”

Peter pointed at the screen. “See the red, white, and blue one next to Ratchet?”

“Yeah. That’s Optimal?”

“Optim _us_. Yeah. He’s the leader.” The little boy explained, pushing up his glasses.

As Peter babbled on about something called ‘Cybertron’, Steve studied him, taking particular note of his glasses. They were obviously a little too big for the boy; they kept sliding down his nose. They also had been broken at least once, as evidenced by the duct tape on the bridge.

It didn’t make sense to the soldier. Tony obviously loved the kid very much- why would he let him go around wearing a broken pair of glasses?

Just then, the elevator doors hissed open, halting Steve’s train of thought.

“Coffeeeeeeee... need... coffee...” He heard Tony mutter, the genius sounding exactly like a zombie from a cheesy horror film.

“Morning, Daddy!” Peter chirped cheerfully, standing up on the couch and turning to face the kitchen.

“Heya, squirt.” Tony called back.

“‘M not a squirt!” Peter protested, though there was a playful tone to his voice.

“Kay. You’re a munchkin then. Have fun representing the lollipop guild.” His father muttered, nearly drowned out by the whir of the coffee machine.

Peter cocked his head to the side. “Huh?”

“It’s a movie, kiddo.” Steve explained, taking a little pride at the fact that for once he was the one explaining the reference.

There was a small clattering sound coming from the kitchen. “O-Oh, um, hey, Steve.”

The soldier smiled, turning to look over at the inventor. “Good morning, Tony-”

His eyes widened when he saw the other man, a grin spreading over his face, one that he was powerless to stop. He snorted, then burst into full on laughter, his sides shaking with mirth.

“What?”

“S-Sorry, it’s just- your _hair_!”

“What about my hair?”

Just then, Natasha walked in, taking one look at Tony and snickering.

“Nice bedhead, Stark.”

The genius stared at her for barely half a second before turning beet red, almost immediately moving his hand to smooth down his hair, which only served to make it worse.

Steve felt a little bad for laughing, but he just couldn’t _help_ it. Every time he’d seen Tony before, the inventor’s hair had always been perfectly combed, not a single strand out of place- not even when he’d almost died and they all looked like hell while eating shawarma (which had occurred _after_ they found Bruce new clothes- Savior of New York or not, they couldn’t exactly allow him to run around in the buff).  

However, seeing the normally-polished billionaire with his hair all mussed and tangled, with cowlicks all over the place... well, the sight was too much of a shock for Steve to do anything but laugh.

“Sh-Shut up!” Tony yelled lamely, alternating between glaring at Natasha and glaring at Steve.

The soldier bit back another round of laughter. “Ah, I’m sorry, Tony, it’s just... it’s not something you see everyday, you know?”

“ _I_ see it everyday.”

“He’s your dad, kid.” Natasha replied, turning back to Tony with a smirk. “At least this means you’ve actually been sleeping, then.”

The genius mumbled something about how she wasn’t exactly the greatest example of proper sleeping habits herself, all the while looking more like a disgruntled cat than anything really threatening. He then paused, narrowing his eyes at her.

“How did you know I wasn’t sleeping before?”

“Well...”

“It was Pepper, wasn’t it.”

“Nope. You remember those bugs we left in your house?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, we... never exactly took them out.”

Tony gawked at her, seeming too mad to say anything for a moment.

“Y-You- I swear, if SHIELD was still around-!”

“Oh, can it, Stark.” Clint said as he dropped onto the couch from the overhead vent, nearly scaring the life out of both Peter and, though he was loathe to admit it, Steve. “SHIELD bugged _all_ of our houses. Sometimes they bugged _us_. One time I had a chip in my arm that told them when I stopped for a hot dog.”

“Barton, what have I told you about crawling through my vents?”

“That it’s ninja-like and therefore awesome?”

“Those were _not_ the words I used!”

“Well that’s what I took from it.”

“Fu- erm, _effing_ A, Barton, you’re gonna get stuck up there one day and I’m gonna laugh while you have to be cut down by firefighters.”

Clint snorted. “Please. Maybe if I were a _rookie._ ”

“I swear, you are the most infuriating-!”

“Kids, don’t make me put you in separate corners.” Steve half-warned, half-teased, making both Natasha and Peter laugh.

“But-!” Tony tried, looking both desperate and frustrated.

“Hey, you heard Captain Dad-voice. No fighting.” Clint interrupted in a mocking tone, snickering at the glare Tony gave him.

“This is _my_ tower, you know.”

“No one cares.” Natasha informed him as she swiped the coffee off the machine, strolling back towards the elevator leisurely.

“Wh- Hey! That was _my_ coffee!”

“Again, no one-!”

Before she could finish that snarky retort, there was a great flash of light out on the landing deck, followed by a deafening crash of thunder. The ground shook with the force of the blast, the glass windows shattering. Steve dove to cover Peter almost instinctively, despite the fact that he didn’t have his shield to protect him.

When the light finally receded, Steve moved away from Peter, squinting at the figure left in the rubble of the deck.

“What the heck...?” He muttered, getting up and walking towards the site of impact, halting when the figure began to rise.

“Hey, you!” Tony suddenly yelled, storming forward. “You owe me a new deck and replacement... windows...”

The genius froze, his eyes going wide when he discovered who had just destroyed part of his tower, as well as scaring the ever-loving crap out of both him and his son.

“Th... Thor?”

The thunder god smiled, enveloping Tony in a hug and lifting him off the ground.

“Hello, Anthony! You appear well!”

The genius let out a strangled sound. “Th-Thor... Thor, buddy, you’re crushing my ribs...”

“Oh.” The Asgardian immediately set Tony back on the ground, patting his shoulder gently. “Apologies.”

“It’s... it’s fine. Might wanna tone down the entrance, though. Scared the cra- _crud_ out of all of us.”

Thor frowned, cocking his head in curiosity. “Why are you talking like that? I have never known you to shy away from profanity.”

The billionaire sighed. “Well, Thor, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past four months, it’s that children will _listen_. They may not always obey, but they will listen.”

“I do not understand.”

Tony gave him a lopsided smile, gesturing towards the communal floor nearby. “Come inside and see for yourself.”

Warily, the thunder god did as his friend told him, stepping around the debris his arrival had left behind as he made his way inside.

“Welcome back, Thor.” Steve greeted, getting a smile from the god as Tony walked over to the couch.

“C’mere, buddy,” The genius said as he lifted his son up, running a hand through the little boy’s hair to soothe him.

Thor’s eyes widened. “Who is that? Have Lady Natasha and the Archer finally consummated their relationship?”

Natasha spit out her coffee in shock while Clint, who previously had been balancing on the back of the couch, bow in hand (Steve _knew_ he was hiding something under there), tumbled to the floor.

“I- I’m sorry, _what_?” The assassin managed after a moment, her cheeks reddening.

“Lies!” Clint yelled, his hand wiggling near his ear for some reason. “Lies and slander! Our relationship is _purely_ professional!”

“Exactly, I mean, there’s no way I’d ever-!”

“Y-Yeah, me neither!”

The pair glanced at each other briefly, sharing a look of panic.

Steve rolled his eyes. Honestly, did they think that they were fooling _anyone_ with that story?

“Anyway,” Tony said after a moment. “This is actually _my_ son, Peter.”

Said child glanced up at Thor for a moment, a slight look of awe and fear in his eyes, before ducking back into the crook of his father’s neck.

“Pete, c’mon, say hello to Thor.” Tony urged him gently, bouncing him just a tiny bit.

“... Hi.” Peter mumbled, barely moving away from the safety of Tony’s shoulder.

Thor smiled warmly at him, crouching down to Peter’s eye level. “Hello, young one. I am Thor Odinson, of Asgard. It is good to meet you. Your father is a fine warrior.”

“... Y... Yeah.”

“Hey, who’s Rubik’s Cube is this?” Clint asked, picking up the strange little cube that Peter had been playing with earlier. All the sides of the cube matched colors now.

“M... Mine...” The little boy admitted, his voice mostly muffled by Tony’s shoulder as he peered over it.

The archer stared at the child, his eyes wide with shock. “Seriously? Aren’t you like, _four_?”

“‘M four and a _haf!_ ” Peter protested indignantly.

“You know, I don’t think he was really even paying attention to that thing,” Steve commented. “I think he was paying more attention to the TV.”

Clint’s jaw dropped. “Okay, seriously, _what_.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Come on, Clint, just because _you_ can’t solve one doesn’t mean no one else can.”

“They’re stupid, and I don’t care.” The archer claimed. “Stupid toy cheats anyway.”

His partner chuckled, then frowned, pulling her phone out of her pajama pockets.

“Ah, gotta take this.”

“Who could be calling you? Everyone you know lives here!”

“I have a life outside of you, Barton.”

“Bullshit, I call bullshit.”

“ _Barton!_ ” Tony chastised, covering his son’s ears. “Watch your language, and yes, I do see the irony in that statement!”

Clint pouted. “You’re no fun anymore.”

Steve chuckled, then turned to Natasha, who had her phone next to her ear, looking worried.

 _Fury?_ He mouthed to her.

 _Yeah._ She mouthed back before turning away, heading for the elevator.

“Oh, that reminds me- Thor, how would you like to have your very own Stark Phone?”

“Stark... Phone? I am afraid that I am unfamiliar with this item, Anthony.”

“First, call me Tony. Anthony is a terrible name.”

“It is a great name for a great warrior.”

“Thank you, but I still hate it. Anthony is an old man’s name.”

“You _are_ an old man.”

“Fu- erm, _forget_ you, Barton, I’m not that old. Steve’s old.”

“Hush up, whippersnapper.” Steve retorted in his best “old man” voice.

Tony rolled his eyes, putting Peter down and fishing something out of his pocket.

“This, my Asgardian friend, is a Stark Phone. The latest model, of course.”

Cautiously, Thor took the phone from the genius, inspecting it carefully.

“Interesting. Though, I must admit, it may take some getting used to.”

“Ah, don’t worry. Took Steve a little while to figure it out too. I know it’s kinda advanced for you, but-”

“I... do not believe the Captain and I share the same problem, Anthony. Whereas he may have had difficulty with it do to the advancements your people made, my problem lies in that I have not used anything this _primitive_ in a very long time.”

“... P... _Primitive?_ ”

“Aye. I believe we had something like this when I was a boy.” Thor frowned. “Are you quite well, Anthony? You seem a bit pale.”

“Daddy, why’s your eye twitchin’?”

* * *

 

Clint enjoyed getting a full night’s sleep. Back when he was a SHIELD agent, sleep could be hard to come by, which made it that much more precious to him.

This, of course, meant that he didn’t really appreciate getting shaken awake by his partner/sort-of-girlfriend.

“The fuck’s your problem...?” He mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

 _Got a call. We need to go. Quiet._ Natasha signed to him, getting off of his bed.

Clint yawned. _Fuck you. Need sleep. If it can’t wait ‘til morning, then you can go without me._

She shook her head. _No. You have to come. Move._

_No. Go away so I can sleep._

_I’ll watch Dog Cops with you if you come._

_Deal. Let me get my hearing aid. And pants_.

Natasha rolled her eyes as her partner popped in his hearing aid, walking over to her partner’s closet and grabbing a random pair of jeans. She threw them at Clint, who got an eyeful of jeans for his troubles.

“Ow!” He yelled, pulling them off his head. _Jeez, a little warning next time?!_

_Just put them on, and hurry._

_Fine. Turn around._

She rolled her eyes. _Please, Barton, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before._

_Hey, if it’s not leading up to sex, then you don’t get to see the goods. That’s the deal, lady._

Natasha bit back a groan. _You’re impossible._

_Oh, you love me._

_Unfortunately._

* * *

 

_Three in the fucking morning. You dragged me out of bed at three in the fucking morning to take me to the absolute middle of fucking nowhere._

Natasha sighed. _Clint, trust me on this, something big’s going on._

_Couldn’t this something have waited until it’s not fuck all at night?_

_No, Clint, you know what’s been going-_

“Agent Romanov, Agent Barton.”

Natasha froze mid-sign, turning to look at the newcomer. Clint turned his head to look at what had surprised her, his own eyes going wide.

“... Well, fuck me.”

“I’d rather not.” Fury replied, arching the eyebrow over his good eye.

“Uh... D... Director Fury, sir, why are you dressed like you live under a bridge?”

“If I wanted you to know that, Barton, I would have told you by now. What I _will_ tell you is that I’m no longer Director of SHIELD.”

“Because it doesn’t exist?”

“I didn’t say that. I’m just saying that I’m not the Director of SHIELD.”

Both Clint and Natasha blinked, glancing at each other briefly before looking back at their former boss.

“Sir, SHIELD was taken down six months ago. You nearly died.”

“Up until about a minute ago, I was under the impression that you _did_ die.” Clint added.

“I’m aware of both of those things. However, recently there’s been a few new... _developments_. Developments that my successor thought it was time to let you two in on.”

“Wait, what?”

Just then, the door to the small building they were standing in front of started to roll up, revealing a familiar bright red car inside it.

“... You brought us all the way out here to see _Lola?_ Sir, no offense, but if this isn’t your way of saying that Coulson willed me his car-”

“Don’t touch Lola, Barton.”

Both of the former agents froze, their eyes going wide.

“Okay, I think my hearing aid’s acting up, ‘cause I _know_ there’s no way I just heard what I think I heard.” Clint stated as he adjusted the settings on the device.

“Your hearing aid’s fine. Agents, meet your new director.”

Coulson smiled at them as he walked out into the light, followed by some other people that neither of them really recognized.

“Welcome back to SHIELD, Agents Barton and-”

Natasha suddenly rushed forward, socking their former handler right in the jaw.

“YOU ASSHOLE!” She shouted, unbelievably furious. “You were _alive_ this whole time and you never once contacted us?!”

“I... I had my orders...” Coulson managed, rubbing his jaw.

“Fuck that! We had a right to know that you didn’t die!”

“Technically he _did_ die.” One of the women, a young, dark-haired girl, added.

“Not the best time, Agent Skye.” Coulson chastised.

“ _Two years_ , Phil! Two _fucking_ years!”

The (apparent) director looked over at Clint, giving him a desperate look. “Help?”

“Hell no, man, I’ve spent the past _two years_ feeling guilty about what happened to you, if she wants to yell at you, she can yell at you all she wants.”

“There’s a HYDRA mole in the basement. I’ll let you punch him if you restrain her.”

“Done.” Clint replied, hooking his arms beneath Natasha’s and holding her back.

“Clint!”

“Hey, unlike you and Captain Patriotic, I didn’t get to hit a single _one_ of those bastards.” Clint paused. “Why do you have a HYDRA agent in the basement, anyway?”

“Because he’s a lying liar who lies.” One of the other members of Coulson’s crew, an apparently very British woman, stated darkly.

“Can... can I have anymore info than that? Not that it’s not enough info for me to beat him up, I’d just like to hear the full story.” Clint asked, seeming not to notice how his partner was rebelling against his grip.

“Maybe later. Right now, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Is it that I’m going to _kill_ both you and Birdbrain over here if he doesn’t let me go?”

“No. And if you’d stop trying maim me, he’d let you go.”

“Хуй тебе!” She spat.

“Cursing in Russian is not going to get you anywhere, Agent Romanov.”

“Come on, Nat, just let it go.” Clint grinned, opening his mouth.

“Barton, I swear to god that if you start singing I _will_ break your hearing aid. And your laptop.”

“Fine. But please?”

The spy rolled her eyes, but relented. “Fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

“No one said you had to be.”

She rolled her eyes, turning to face her former handler. “What do you want?”

“You’ve initiated the Avengers protocol. Why?”

Natasha snorted. “Uh, did you miss the whole ‘Crazed Dictator of Small European Country attacks New York’ thing?”

Coulson blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, things happen when SHIELD goes out of business, Phil. _Bad_ things. Doom attacks New York, Advanced Idea Mechanics starts trading stock, Tony Stark adopts a timid baby genius, you know, horrific events on par with each other.”

“Wait, what was that last one?” Skye asked, her eyes going wide.

“Yeah, his name’s Peter. Cute kid. Likes Transformers.”

“Anyway,” Natasha started, shoving her partner gently. “The point is, SHIELD was the reason a lot of these nutjobs didn’t dare make a move. Once that’s gone, there’s nothing stopping them from coming out of the woodwork.”

“Nothing except for a bunch of weirdoes with superpowers.” An older agent, one that Natasha recognized as Melinda May, remarked.

Clint opened his mouth as if to dispute that remark, then seemed to think better of it, then actually _nodded_ in agreement.

“It’s not the best situation, we know, but it’s that or Doom, AIM, and whoever the hell else takes over the planet.”

“I know. And I agree with you. I just...”

“Oh, here it comes.”

“What?”

“The ‘but’. There’s always a ‘but’. Let me guess: The Hulk’s too dangerous? Stark’s too unpredictable, especially with a kid in the mix? Thor’s too keen on blowing shit up? Cap’s too... too good for us ragtag bunch of misfits?”

“Barton, _enough_. I was just going to say that this is _all_ on you. If you mess up, if someone gets hurt, SHIELD won’t be there to bail you out. The first time around, the Avengers were officially sponsored by SHIELD; we were the ones who had to appear before Congress after New York. Now? You’re independent. You have to be the ones to deal with whatever happens. Are you prepared for that?”

“Coulson, if we can handle Thor’s idiot brother and Doctor Doom, I think we can handle a few uppity Congressmen.” Natasha replied.

“Yeah, we’ll just copy whatever Xavier did to get Congress off his butt.”

Coulson’s eyebrow arched. “You do realize that the Xavier Institute is a heavily regulated agency that operates within strict guidelines?”

“And we aren’t?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“The point, Phil, is that we can handle it. Trust us.”

The director sighed. “I’ve seen how you two ‘handle’ things- Fury was on my ass about Budapest for _months_.”

“Hey, in our defense, that squirrell wasn’t supposed to be there!”

“And the grocery store?”

“... Okay, so the target wasn’t as close as I thought. And maybe I mislabeled my arrows, which wouldn’t have happened if _someone_ hadn’t rushed me out of the hotel room!”

“There was an enemy combatant right outside the door, Barton, what was I supposed to do?!”

“Not yell in my bad ear when I’ve got my hearing aid set on high, that’s for sure!” Clint replied. “Fury, back me-”

To his shock, the former director was nowhere to be seen.

“I hate it when he does that.”

Coulson sighed. “Just... promise me you’ll try not to blow anything up?”

“... How about we promise to keep the explosions to a minimum?”

“I’ll take it.”

Clint grinned, pulling his former handler into a hug.

“Missed ya, Phil.”

Coulson simply rolled his eyes.

“Nat, get in here.”

“No.”

“I’ll let you beat up the HYDRA agent after I punch him.”

Natasha grimaced, then sighed, walking over and joining the hug.

“See? Just like old times!”

Skye looked over at the British agents. “Jemma, you’ve been an agent longer than I have, is this sort of thing normal?”

“I honestly have no idea. May?”

“It is with those two.”

****  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the whole deaf Clint Barton thing. And the Dog Cops gag, which I really hope they incorporate into the films


	3. Baby of Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor does a mean Optimus Prime. Steve learns how to work a rescue inhaler. Natasha knows everything about everyone. Possibly before even they themselves know it.

“I have been foolish not to see what history has proven over and over again; that Autobots and Decepticons will _never_ mend their ways. If there can be no diplomatic solution to this... _perpetual_ conflict, then I must not allow more darkness to fall upon this, or any planet. Loki _must_ be destroyed!”

Thor waited a moment, holding the toy up in the air, then grinned and looked at Peter.

“How was that, my young friend?”

“You said Loki ‘stead of Megatron. _Again_.”

“Curses.”

“What are you two up to?” Natasha asked as she entered the living room, eyeing the boy and the god sitting on the floor surrounded by toy robots warily.

“Playin’ Transformers. Thor’s a real good Optimus!” Peter paused for a moment. “He keeps sayin’ ‘Loki’ ‘stead of Megatron, though.”

The spy snorted. “Yeah, I can see how he might.”

Peter rolled his eyes, turning to back to Thor. “Okay, one more time. An’ you _gotta_ say Megatron this time, or I’m gonna go get Steeb an’ have him do the line.”

“You said that I do it better than the Captain does!”

“You do, but _he_ ‘members to say Megatron!”

Natasha rolled her eyes, but it was with a smile on her face that she did so.

It was a little funny how quickly the kid had opened up. In just one week, Peter had gone from staring at all of them in wide-eyed fear to acting out scenes from the various Transformers cartoons with Thor, explaining children’s pop culture to Steve, watching Dog Cops with Clint and Sam (and Skye via Skype, though Peter still had no clue who the agent was), doing _science_ with Bruce (nothing had exploded yet, nor had Bruce’s big green and mean alter ego made any appearances, so Tony allowed it), and playing Mario Kart with her (surprisingly, she didn’t have to let him win. For someone who wouldn’t be able to drive for over a decade, Peter was _good_ ).

“D’you wanna play, Tasha?” Peter asked shyly, holding up one of the smaller toys. “You can be Arcee!”

Natasha chuckled, walking over and ruffling the boy’s hair. “I think I’ll just watch, утенок.”

“‘Kay.”

As the boy got back to playing with the god, who managed not to screw up his line that time, Natasha sighed contently, laying back on the couch and resting her tablet in her lap. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy, and if it weren’t for that fact she’d probably be disgusted with how _domestic_ it all was.

Of course, the constant updates from Simmons- whom, along with Fitz, Skye, and Triplett, she’d started referring to as Coulson’s Ducklings (always in Russian, of course, so they wouldn’t object)- on the SHIELD rebuild probably helped ward off the type of mushy-gushy lovey-dovey feelings that made her skin crawl.

“So then he was like ‘Barton, I swear to god, if I have to explain to Director Fury why a simple surveillance op ended with you and Agent Romanov in a Colombian prison cell one more time, I’m gonna kick your fuuuuu-!’”

Clint dragged out the curse as he walked into the room, immediately noticing Peter’s presence. “‘Fudging butt.’”

“Wait, did he actually say _fudging?_ Because if so, I’m holding it over his head until the end of time.” Skye’s voice asked from Clint’s laptop.

“Uh, no, he didn’t.” He turned his laptop towards Peter, who waved. “But if I say what he _actually_ said, I will get yelled at by a super soldier and a hypocritical billionaire. And possibly my partner and a thunder god.”

“Darn straight.” Natasha replied, never looking up from her tablet.

“Hi Miss Skye!” Peter greeted.

“Hey, kiddo. Whatcha doin’ there?”

“Playin’ Transformers with Thor.”

Clint shifted his laptop a bit, angling so that the agent could see the thunder god.

“Oh, um, hey!” Skye said, sounding a little shocked.

Thor smiled kindly at her. “Hello, Lady Skye. It is good to meet you, if only on a screen.”

“Uh, yeah, you too... so, you’re uh, actually the god of thunder, huh?”

“That I am.”

“Cool, cool. So, uh, Transformers?”

“He does the best Optimus voice!” Peter chirped.

“And yet you were threatening to replace me with the Captain not ten minutes ago.”

“That’s cause you kept sayin’ Loki ‘stead of Megatron!”

Skye laughed. “Man, I could see that. Loki would make a _great_ Megatron.”

Thor’s smile fell, sadness flashing in his eyes.

“What? Did I say something wrong?”

“No, it is not your fault, I just...” He sighed. “Loki... my brother, he... he died, somewhat recently.”

Natasha dropped her tablet. “Wait, what?”

“Seriously? Thor, buddy, why didn’t you tell us?” Clint asked, clearly trying to mask the relief he felt at his former tormentor’s death for Thor’s sake.

“It is... I am still trying to process it. At the time of my brother’s passing, I did not have time to properly mourn him- I am sure you are aware of what happened in London- and though it has been some time since then, I still...” Once again, Thor sighed, and suddenly he seemed so very, very _old_ , so old and tired. “There was too much left unsaid between my brother and I, and that is all I wish to say about it.”

The room was silent for a moment, no one quite sure where to go from there. Peter moved a bit closer to Thor, giving him a quick hug, something that the Asgardian was clearly grateful for.

“So...” Clint said finally. “Who wants to watch Dog Cops?”

“Me!” Both Peter and Skye responded cheerfully.

Natasha rolled her eyes, swinging her legs around so that Clint could climb over the back of the sofa and land next to her.

“And I was having such a nice afternoon, too.”

“Oh, come on, Nat. You _love_ Dog Cops. I saw you laughing.”

“I was laughing at how bad the production value was.”

“Nu-uh. You totally enjoyed it.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.”

The archer blinked. “Wait, what? Did... did you just Bugs Bunny me?”

“Is that what it’s called? Because if so, then yes. Yes I did.”

“But... but I’m the _King_ of Bugs Bunny-ing people!”

“I thought Bugs Bunny was the King of Bugs Bunny-in’ people.” Peter commented.

“Well, okay, I’m the _non-rabbit_ King of Bugs Bunny-ing people.”

“Barton, the only person you’ve ever successfully ‘Bugs Bunny-ed’ was a Serbian drug lord. And calling that guy dumber than rocks is an insult to rocks.”

Clint sat back on the couch, pouting angrily. “You stink.”

“Clever.”

Peter giggled, then turned back to his toy, clapping twice. Suddenly, each one of them lit up, letting out a single beep before moving on their own, whirring as they converted into their respective vehicular forms.

“... So, when did Stark Industries buy Hasbro?”

“Мишка, did your father do this for you?” Natasha asked gently, warily eyeing the toys.

“Nope.”

“Oh, so they just put a lot more into these things then I thought.”

Peter giggled as he piled the smaller toys onto Optimus. “Nope again! I did this!”

“... What.” Clint said flatly, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

“Yeah, I wanted ‘em to transform like they do on TV, but I couldn’t figger out how to make ‘em do it ‘til Daddy showed me how the briefcase armor works.” He patted the large truck. “I started with Optimus, ‘cause he’s the biggest. Then Bulkhead, then Bumblebee, an’ then I just finished Arcee a couple of days ago.”

“And... does your father know you did this?”

“Uh-huh! I showed ‘em after I finished Optimus! He was real happy ‘bout it, too.”

“I can imagine.”

Peter grinned at them, then started pushing the truck along. “Still haven’t figgered out how to make ‘em move on their own, though.”

Once Peter was in the elevator, the adults looked at each other, every last one of them wearing matching shocked expressions.

“... I think I just found Leo’s match.” Skye finally said, sounding dazed.

“Dear _god_ there’s another one.”

* * *

 

“Still don’t get why you like to sketch in here- DUM-E! No! That is _not_ for you, put it down!”

Steve chuckled. “Well, for one thing, it’s quiet in here most of the time.”

“Yeah, but isn’t it, y’know, _boring?”_

“Not really. I don’t get bored very easily, unlike some people.”

Tony narrowed his eyes at the super soldier. “Hmph. I’m gonna be the bigger man and ignore that obvious dig.”

Steve rolled his eyes, glancing at the photo on his phone before returning to his sketchbook.

For all that Tony liked to play the jerk with a heart of _more_ jerk, he was actually a pretty good guy. True, he had a tendency to be sarcastic and flirted with everything with a pulse (plus one computer- Natasha could roll her eyes at him all she liked, but Steve knew what he saw), and there was that whole ‘textbook narcissism’ thing, that was definitely an actual aspect of his personality. And true, his public persona- the self-centered, charismatic playboy billionaire inventor- was pretty convincing. But in just one week’s time, Steve had discovered the truth: Anthony Edward Stark was a huge _dork_ who really prefered playing with his robots to mingling at parties. The ‘private’ version of Tony was the real one, the one who trudged around like a zombie until he had his first cup of coffee, gave a toaster _sentience_ for no reason other than he was bored, and would probably buy his son a small country if he asked.

Not that he would, because Peter was four and would have no idea what to do with a small country.

Still, he knew Tony would do it in a heartbeat, because if there was one thing that Steve knew about Tony, it was that the billionaire loved his son, and the photograph he’d taken the previous night was more than ample proof of that fact.

* * *

It was the middle of the night.

Around two in the morning, to be accurate.

Any reasonable person would be sound asleep at that hour.

Steve considered himself a reasonable person.

So why couldn’t he sleep?

_Maybe it’s because you’ve got no clue whether your best friend is still alive or not, and if he is, whether he’s safe. Meanwhile, you have this comfy, cozy little apartment to sleep in while it’s entirely possible that Bucky is somewhere freezing to death._

Steve groaned, running a hand through his hair.

“Sounds about right,” He muttered to no one in particular as he sat up in bed, picking up his tablet. May as well read or watch a film or something; it wasn’t as if he would be getting any sleep.

“ _Captain Rogers?”_

Steve nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise. “ _Jesus_ , Jarvis, a little warning?”

“ _My apologies, Captain. I did not intend to startle you_.”

The soldier sighed, placing his tablet on his bedside table. “It’s... it’s fine. What’s up?”

“ _There is an issue concerning Master Peter. I’m afraid he’s having a bit of a meltdown._ ”

“At two in the morning?”

“ _The meltdown seems to be the end result of a nightmare, followed by Master Peter attempting to go to sir for comfort.”_

“And Tony won’t help him? Doesn’t sound like him...”

“ _Sir is currently unaware of the predicament. He is in his workshop, and has ordered me not to disturb him._ ”

Steve sighed. “Can’t... can’t you just guide Peter down? It’s two AM.”

“ _I have already tried that. Unfortunately, Master Peter has gone into a bit of a panic. Currently, he is sitting on the floor, sobbing into his knees. My sensors are indicating that he is having some difficulty breathing._ ”

Steve froze, staring up at the ceiling. “Are... are you telling me that a four-year-old is having a _panic attack?_ ”

“I suppose you could call it that, yes. Though I believe that the breathing part of it may be more akin to an asthma attack.”

The soldier groaned as he got out of bed, grabbing his shield and slipping his phone into his pajama bottom’s pocket, just in case he needed to call for an ambulance. “Jesus _fuck_ , Jarvis, why didn’t you just say that in the first place?!”

“ _Apologies, Captain. Master Peter is on the floor above yours, by the way_.”

Steve just barely comprehended that as he rushed up the stairs, bursting through the door to Tony and Peter’s floor.

“Peter?” He asked gently, listening carefully for the little boy’s voice.

“... help...”

The soldier’s eyes widened as he whirled around towards the source of the cry. Peter was up against the window, wheezing slightly between sobs.

“Cra- crud, crud. Jarvis? Is there something that can help with this?”

Behind him, a drawer slid open. “ _Do you see the small white tube there?_ ”

“Uh...” Steve dug his phone out, fumbling with it for a second before turning it on. Using the phone as a flashlight, he was able to locate the device. “Yeah, okay, got it. What is it?”

“ _Master Peter’s rescue inhaler. Please go to him, I will guide you through the process._ ”

“Understood.”

The soldier all but ran over to the little boy, setting his shield down and scooping Peter up in his arms.

“ _Put the open end into his mouth._ ”

“Okay, alright, gotcha.” Steve pressed the tube against Peter’s mouth, but the little boy seemed to refuse to part his lips. “Peter, sweetheart, I need you to open your mouth, alright?”

“... tired...”

“I know, I know, baby, but you have to work with me here.”

Somehow, the little boy managed to get his lips around the device, still breathing shallowly.

“Okay, it’s in, what now?”

“ _Do you see the silvery tube at the other end?_ ”

“Yes?”

“ _Push down on it. Three times, with twenty second long intervals. He needs to take a deep breath as you do._ ”

“Alright. Peter, I’m gonna give you the medicine, but I need you to take a deep breath. Can you do that for me, buddy?”

The boy nodded weakly, sucking in as much air as he could. Steve pressed down on the tube, and he heard a sound like something spraying. Peter suddenly started coughing, and Steve nearly took the inhaler out of his mouth.

“Jarvis, he’s coughing, why is he coughing, did I do it wrong-?”

“ _It is fine, Captain Rogers. The coughing means it is working. Keep the inhaler in._ ”

“O-Okay, if you say so...”

“ _Press again now._ ”

“Alright. Deep breath, Peter.”

Peter did so, this time a little stronger, and Steve pressed the tube down again. Another spray. Peter coughed again, but less this time.

“That’s it. You’re doing great, baby boy, it’s alright.” The soldier said as soothingly as possible, despite how terrified this situation made him. He’d faced down Nazis, supervillians, his own best friend, and Natasha that time he ate the last chocolate chip cookie, but never had anything scared him more than the thought that, if he screwed up, this little boy could end up in the hospital.

“ _Once more, Captain_.”

“Deep breath, buddy, just one more time.”

One last puff and a short round of coughing later, Peter’s breathing had returned to normal, though he was clearly still shaken by the experience. Steve held him close, not caring one bit that the little boy was soaking his shirt with tears.

“It’s okay, it’s okay... you did so good, Peter, it’s okay...”

“‘m scared, Steeb. Wan’ Daddy. Can’t find Daddy.”

“Shh... it’s okay, Peter, your dad’s okay, he’s just downstairs.”

“Don’t wan’ Daddy to leave. Not like Mama an’ Papa.”

Steve froze, looking at the boy carefully. “What?”

Peter hiccuped. “Mama promised they’d come back. They were just goin’ on an airplane, they were gonna come home in a week, but they didn’t come back.” His grip on Steve’s shirt tightened. “Unca Ben said that Papa an’ Mama went to heaven ‘cause a bad man made their plane crash. But they wouldn’t have been on the plane if I didn’t tell Papa that the window to his office was open.” He looked up at Steve, his wide eyes full of tears. “Was I bad, Steeb? Is that why Mama an’ Papa went away?”

“Oh, Peter, honey, no!” Steve cried, his heart breaking at the thought that Peter could even think such a thing. “Sweetheart, no, it wasn’t your fault, not at all!”

The little boy clung to the soldier, sobbing into his shirt. “I don’t wan’ Daddy to go way. I wan’ Daddy to stay with me. Don’t wan’ him to go to heaven like Mama an’ Papa an’ Unca Ben an’ Aunt May.”

The soldier swallowed hard, cradling Peter in one arm and picking up his shield with the other as he stood up. “Let’s go see your daddy, huh?”

He heard a half-sobbed ‘kay’ from the boy, and without thinking he pressed a kiss to Peter’s forehead.

“C’mon, it’ll be okay, I promise. Tony wouldn’t leave you without a fight, and what a fight that would be.” Steve tried to reassure him as the elevator descended to Tony’s lab. “Nothing short of divine intervention could take your daddy away from you, and he’d go kicking and screaming.”

Peter didn’t respond to that; he was still crying, silently shaking in Steve’s arms.

The elevator dinged to announce that they had arrived, the doors sliding open.

“Jarvis, open up the door for me.”

“ _I am afraid I cannot. As I said earlier, sir has issued a ‘do not disturb’ order. Nothing short of Miss Potts’ override codes can open the door now._ ”

“Well, then, input them!”

“ _The override is voice-activated; only Miss Potts can use it. And you, Captain, are not Miss Potts_.”

Steve groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Fuc- _fudging A_ , Tony...” He muttered, walking over near the elevator and putting Peter on the floor. “Looks like we’re gonna have to do this the hard way.”

“S... Steeb?”

The soldier shot him what he hoped was comforting smile. “Stay there for a second, okay?”

Though he still seemed afraid, Peter nodded, gripping the bottom of his pajama shirt tightly, something he knew the boy did as a way of comforting himself.

For a door that belonged to a man like Tony Stark, it was surprisingly easy to break down. Of course, Steve doubted Tony had taken into account the possibility that a determined super soldier with a vibranium shield would attack it, but whatever.

“Steve, what the _fuck?!_ ” Tony bellowed, glaring up at the soldier’s retreating back. “You can’t just go around breaking people’s doors down at-” The genius glanced at the clock. “Two AM? Oh, wow, it’s later than I thought...”

Steve rubbed the back of Peter’s head as he picked him up, cradling him to his chest as he walked down the stairs.

“Had a pretty good reason to break your door, y’know.”

Tony opened his mouth as if to yell at Steve, but whatever protest he might have made died the second he saw his son.

“Pete? Peter, sweetheart, what’s the matter?”

The little boy turned towards him, and the only thing the look on Tony’s face could be described as was pure heartbreak.

“Daddy...” Peter sobbed, reaching out to Tony.

The billionaire practically sprinted over to them, taking Peter from Steve and holding him close.

“Oh, baby, baby boy, sweetie, what’s the matter?”

“Had a bad dream, an’ I went to find you but you weren’t there, an’ I got scared an’ I fell down an’ I couldn’t _breathe_.”

“Jarvis got me. He was in the middle of an asthma attack when I found him.” Steve explained.

“A _what?!_ Jarvis, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“ _You specifically ordered me not to disturb you for any reason._ ”

“Dammit, Jarvis, don’t be so literal!”

“ _I apologize, sir. I will be sure to not listen to your orders next time._ ”

Tony rolled his eyes, opening his mouth as if to yell at his AI even more, but before he could, Peter tugged on his shirt.

“Daddy, I don’t wan’ you to go way. Please don’t go way.”

Tony stared at his son, shock in his eyes. “What? Peter, sweetheart, why would you think that I would go away?”

“‘Cause I couldn’t find you. I thought you went to heaven like Mama an’ Papa an’ Unca Ben an’ Aunt May all did.”

The genius honestly looked like he might start crying. “P... Peter, honey, no, I wouldn’t... I was just in the lab, and I lost track of time...”

Peter let out a shaky, heartbreaking sob. “I love you, Daddy, don’t go way...”

Tony swallowed hard, holding his son tightly. “I... I don’t make a lot of promises, Peter. Not anymore. But... I’m gonna promise you, right now, that I won’t _ever_ let this world take me away from you. I _promise_.”

Peter clung to Tony, as if he were afraid that, if he let go, the genius would disappear. “Cross your heart?”

Tony smiled, though Steve could see that his eyes were wet. “Cross my heart.”

Peter smiled just a tiny bit, burrowing into Tony’s chest. The genius rocked him back and forth, humming gently as he did.

“ _... baby mine, don’t you cry.... baby mine, dry your eyes..._ ”

Steve froze halfway up the stairs, turning around and staring at the father and son.

“ _Rest your head, close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine..._ ”

He remembered that song. He remembered watching that film, right when it first came out. He remembered crying during the song, thinking of his own mother.

Despite himself, Steve smiled. Quietly, he dug his phone out of his pocket, snapping a quick photo of the moment.

_There’s a piece of proof that Tony Stark has a heart if there ever was one._

* * *

 

“So, guess what I just found out.”

Natasha’s sudden entrance into the lab snapped Steve right out of his reminiscence.

“That Nick Fury is alive and/or has a clone?” Tony asked, not looking away from... whatever it was that he was doing.

It was a good thing, too, because otherwise he would have seen the look that Steve and Natasha shared in a brief moment of panic.

“Uh... no. Still dead as a doornail, I’m afraid.”

“Coffin nail.”

Natasha blinked. “Excuse me?”

Tony glanced back at her, taking the screwdriver out of his mouth. “Coffin nail. Coffin nails are a lot deader than doornails, ergo, dead as a coffin nail. Didn’t you read ‘A Christmas Carol’ as a kid?”

“I grew up in Russia, so... no.”

“Hm. Remind me to lend you it. DUM-E! Would you kindly hand me that wrench?”

The clunky little robot whirred as it made its way over to Tony, dropping a bag in his hand.

“... DUM-E, I realize I designed your AI when I was a drunken, sleep-deprived, seventeen year old college student, but I feel that it’s important that you know the difference between a bag of blueberries and a wrench.”

“What the hell even is that, Stark?”

“DUM-E? Well, you should know by now, Nat, I think you came into my lab plenty of times to bug me while you were pretending to work for me.”

The spy rolled her eyes. “No, Stark, I meant the _big_ one that you’re currently standing in front of.”

“Oh, this guy?” Tony took a step back, revealing the red and green human-like robot he was standing in front of. “Just a little something I’ve been mulling over. You know that project I was working on with that guy, what’s his name, Pam?”

“Pym?”

“Yeah, the butthead. Anyway, there were some really interesting ideas there. Ideas that I’d like to try out.”

“And you’re... building a robot? To work with these ideas?”

“Yup. Thinking of calling him... _Vision_.” Tony paused for a moment. “Nah, that’s stupid.”

“Oooookkkkayyy. Anyway, speaking of robots, apparently you’ve adopted a mini-you, Stark.”

“Hm? Oh, you mean the Transformers thing? Yeah, I saw. Isn’t it great?”

“Stark, he modified a children’s toy into a... a _robot_!”

“Not really seeing the problem here, Nat.”

“He’s _four_.”

“So? When I was four I programmed a motherboard. Kid’s surpassing me.”

“You know, I think a few bad guys we've faced had a similar origin story.”

“Why, Cap, are you suggesting that my son might stray down the path of evil?”

“I’m just saying that-”

“Because that of course means that I would have to turn to evil as well. On the plus side, I’d finally have use for that weather machine.”

“... Why do you have a weather machine?”

“In case I succumb to the urge to take over the world.” Tony tilted his head back, letting out an admittedly impressive evil laugh.

“Tony, this is serious. Your _four-year-old_ is playing with circuitry.”

“I know. I’m serious too. Bruce gets Australia. I’m going to charge him with making me an army of hulked-out marsupials.”

“Oh, please, you wouldn’t get that far.”

“What, SHIELD had a contingency plan in case I went down the path of Doctor Doom?”

“Yes. And we all still know it, too.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have your fancy toys anymore.”

“We’ll steal yours.”

Tony looked up. “Jarvis, do we have a code that means ‘I have gone evil, lock down the weaponry so that anyone who is not me cannot use it’?”

“ _Not to my knowledge, sir_.”

“Remind me to do that, then.”

“ _Understood, sir. While I have your attention, Peter’s appointment with Dr. Nguyen is in one hour._ ”

“Great, thanks, Jarvis.”

“Who’s Dr. Nguyen?”

“Peter’s therapist.”

“Peter has a therapist?”

“C’mon, Cap, I know you’ve been back long enough to know that there’s a shrink for everyone.” Tony explained somewhat sarcastically, wiping his hands on a dish towel. “It’s a bi-weekly thing. Helps Pete with the whole ‘guilt complex’ thing.”

“Your _four-year-old_ has a _guilt complex?”_

“According to his award-winning child psychologist? Yes. Yes he does.”

Steve grimaced, remembering what Peter had said the night before, about how his parents had gotten on that plane and never come back.

About how he thought it was his fault, because he’d told his father about the office break-in.

“Listen, I’d love to stay and chat about my son’s mental state, but the thing is, it always seems to a discussion about _my_ mental state. So... sees ya.”

“ _Sir, I should also inform you- you have an interview with CNN in an hour_.”

The genius froze, his eyes going wide in horror. “Wait, what?”

“ _You have an interview on CNN in one hour. Is that not clear enough for you, sir? Shall I break out the pictures?_ ”

“An... an interview. When did I schedule this interview, I don’t remember it at all.”

“ _The interview was scheduled approximately three weeks ago. Previously, it was tomorrow, but Mr. Cooper’s assistant called and asked if you could be, ah, ‘bumped up’ to today. Your answer was, and I quote, ‘Sure, yeah, that’s fine, busy now, goodbye!_ ’”

Tony groaned. “Fuck, fuck, fuck my life, fuuuuckkk, I’m an idiot, I mean, I’m brilliant but at the same time I am such an idiot.” His head snapped up. “Pepper! Pepper can take him, she loves Peter and he loves her-!”

“ _Miss Potts is currently in a meeting, one that is scheduled to go on for several hours_.”

“Mother _fucker_!” Tony yelled, running his hands through his hair. “Fuck, okay, can’t not take Peter to therapy, not after what happened last night, he’ll have a nervous breakdown and it will be all my fault and social workers will take him away and we will both be miserable and Pepper will just look at me with disappointment for the rest of my life-!”

“So take him to therapy and skip the interview.” Steve said, raising an eyebrow.

“No, see, but I can’t _do_ that, because it’s the big one where I announce to the world the Avengers are a real thing, and it’s with _Anderson fucking Cooper_ for crying out loud, you don’t just blow off Cooper, and if I do then the public will think we’re a bunch of flakes and not put their trust in us, and then the government will shut us down, and then Pepper will just look at me with disappointment for the rest of my life.” He groaned, sitting with his head in his head. “Why couldn’t I have done the interview with O’Reilly, I could blow off O’Reilly and no one would care, I would probably be _applauded_ for it...”

“You know, I’m starting to see a pattern in your worst case scenarios. Most of them involve Pepper being disappointed in you until you die.”

“Have you ever _seen_ Pepper when she is disappointed in me? It’s _scary_. I wish she would just get mad, because I can handle mad Pepper, but disappointed Pepper makes me feel like the scum of the earth.”

Steve sighed. “Look, how about I take Peter to therapy? That way you can go to your interview, and your kid doesn’t have a breakdown.”

Tony sat up, staring at the soldier with wide, disbelieving eyes. “Wait, seriously? You’d do that?”

The blonde shrugged. “Sure, if it would help you out- oof!”

“Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” Tony babbled as he hugged the super soldier tightly.

“U-Uh... no... no problem...” Steve managed to stammer, feeling his face turn bright red. “You’ll, um, have to tell me where it is-!”

The soldier was cut off by a pair of lips on his cheek for just barely a second, the apparent minimum amount of time it took for Steve’s brain to short-circuit.

“You’re the best, Steve!” Tony called as he ran out the door. “I’ll have Jarvis program in directions for the Quinjet, thanks, byeeeeeee!”

“... You’re welcome...” Steve managed weakly after a moment, sure that he was blushing like an idiot.

“... Y’know, you coulda just _told_ me you didn’t like girls.”

“Huh.” The soldier mumbled. Steve then blinked, whirling around to face his friend.

“W-Wait, what?!”

“I mean, it limits the SHIELD dating pool somewhat, but I think there was at least one guy back in accounting who-!”

“I like _girls,_ Nat. _Women._ ”

“Okay, so girls _and_ guys, that actually expands it.”

“I don’t like guys!”

“‘Course you don’t, Capsicle, that’s why you’re blushing like a goober after Stark laid one on you.”

“I-I am _not!_ And he did not lay one on me, Jesus, Romanov, you’re making it sound like he tried to stick his _tongue_ down my throat!”

Natasha rolled her eyes as she started to walk away. “Right. Lemme know when you get your head outta your star-spangled butt, then we’ll talk.”

“Y-You get _your_ head out of _your_ star-spangled butt!” Steve called lamely just as she exited the lab.

“That doesn’t work for me, Steve, I’m not even American!”

Steve Rogers certainly did _not_ pout because of that.

He _did_ , however, frown in confusion upon recalling what Tony had told him.

“Why the fuck would I need the Quinjet?”

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rescue inhaler scene was based on my memories of my own asthma as a child. Of course, I could be off, seeing as I haven't needed it in years, but ah well.  
> Translation notes:  
> утенок: Duckling  
> Мишка: Mouse


	4. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve sees an old friend. Clint gets the shit scared out of him. Tony's motor mouth comes back to bite him for the hundredth time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, this one got away from me!

_Fucking_ Chicago. _Tony has his kid go to a therapist in fucking Chicago, Illinois._

Steve supposed that it did sort of make sense; if the best of the best was in another state, Tony wouldn’t really care, he had a flying suit and a fucking _jet._

Still. Chicago. For a _therapist._

“Steeeeebb! Wait up!”

“Oh!” The soldier paused, waiting for the little boy to catch up. It was a little easy to forget that, for every step Steve took, Peter took three or four. “Sorry, kiddo.”

“‘S’okay.” The boy replied, shifting Bucky Bear around in his arms.

The soldier hated the little pang in his chest whenever he saw the teddy bear likeness of his old friend. The coat was a little too bright, and to his knowledge Bucky had _never_ worn a domino mask, but it still reminded him of days gone by, of the times they’d had before.

Of course, he couldn’t say anything about it, because Peter fucking _loved_ that damn bear; the kid took it almost everywhere with him. Out of Optimus, Captain Ameri-Bear, Iron Man (the toy, not his dad- Peter obviously loved his dad more than any of the toys), and Bucky Bear, Bucky Bear was his absolute favorite toy.

Steve wondered if he’d feel the same way about the bear if he learned what Bucky had become.

“Do you know what floor Dr. Nguyen’s on?”

“Uh-huh! Third floor!”

Steve chuckled, pressing the button for the third floor. “Do you like Dr. Nguyen, Pete?”

“Yeah! She’s real nice! We color together, an’ sometimes we play with cards!”

“You like to color, bud?”

“Uh-huh! I like to draw pitchers, too! I draw Daddy, an’ Unca Bruce, an’ Aunt Pepper, an’ my guardian angel!”

The soldier blinked, turning to stare at the boy. “Guardian... angel?”

“Uh-huh! He’s real nice, but he doesn’t talk lots.” Peter gave him a warm, wide smile. “Maybe someday you’ll get to meet him, Steeb!”

“I’d... I think I’d like that.”

Okay. So Peter had an imaginary friend. That was normal.

Right?

The elevator doors ‘dinged’ as they opened, Peter practically bouncing out into the waiting room.

“Take a seat, and I’ll sign us in, okay, Peter?”

“‘Kay!”

While the boy took a seat next to some toys, Steve walked up to the front desk.

“Excuse me, I’m, um, here with Peter Parker?”

The receptionist looked up at him though horned-rim glasses, her expression that of mild annoyance only for a second before she recognized the super soldier.

“H-Holy... Holy _crap,_ you’re Captain America!”

“... Yes?”

“Oh, oh, _wow_ , it’s an _honor_ to meet you, sir, I just... _wow._ ”

Steve smiled, trying to mask his discomfort. “Well, um, thank you, ma’am, but I’m just here to take my teammate’s son to an appointment. Dr. Nguyen, I think?”

“Oh, of course, sir, just... you have Dr. Stark’s approval, right?”

Steve blinked. “I... I’m sorry, _Doctor_ Stark?”

“Yes? That’s what he has on file...”

The soldier couldn’t help but burst out laughing, covering his mouth with his hand to muffle the sound.

“S-Sorry, sorry, I just... Tony? _A doctor?_ The man gave a _toaster_ sentience and cheats at Mario Kart!”

“He... he has seven doctorates...”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that, I just... snrk... sorry, just can’t really see _Tony_ as a doctor!”

He took a deep breath to compose himself, clearing his throat.

“Sorry, sorry about that...” He dug a piece of paper, the release form that Tony had signed, out of his jacket pocket. “Here ya go.”

The receptionist- Shirley, apparently- gave him a wary look, but took the form, scanning it quickly before giving Steve a tight smile.

“Alright, and I have on file that Dr. Stark-” She eyed him for a moment, as if she expected him to start cracking up again, but at his silence continued. “That, ah, Dr. Stark filed a update on Mr. Parker’s condition online... twenty minutes ago.”

She paused, looking over at Steve. “May I ask why Dr. Stark isn’t here?”

“Ah, he had an interview he forgot about until Jarvis reminded him an hour ago. It was with someone, an... Emerson Cooler?”

“Anderson Cooper?” She corrected.

“Yeah, him.”

“Hm. Well, that should be interesting.” She looked over at where Peter was playing with something Steve remembered as ‘Lincoln Logs’. “Have a seat, a nurse will call you when Dr. Nguyen is ready.”

“Alright.”

“And please tell Mr. Parker not to ‘fix’ the playsets. They work fine _without_ being automatic.”

* * *

 

Peter was a very smart kid.

This, of course, was obvious. Besides the whole ‘rewiring a toy so it’ll work like it does on TV’ thing, Peter Parker could name one hundred and thirty-six bones out of the two hundred and six that made up an adult human’s skeleton- which was about a hundred more than Steve could, honestly- and knew about half of the Periodic Table. He knew the alphabet forwards and backwards, as well as a good chunk of the Greek alphabet, and could count up to two hundred and fifty without getting lost. In fact, according to Tony, he was smarter than a lot of  _adults_  he knew,which is why he'd let Peter keep his own last name when he asked to.

So it really shouldn’t have surprised Steve to find him reading a book that was supposedly meant for kids two to three years older than him.

“Whatcha reading, kiddo?”

“‘ _Click Clack Moo: Cows that Type’_.” The boy answered, never taking his eyes off the pages. “It’s ‘bout cows that go on strike.”

“Do you know what a strike is?”

“Uh-huh. It’s where you ‘fuse to do work ‘til the boss is nicer to you.”

“... Eh, close enough.”

The door next to the receptionist’s alcove squeaked as it opened.

“Peter?”

“That’s us, bud.” Steve said.

“Can I bring the book?”

“No, honey. But I bet your dad’ll buy you a copy if you ask nicely.”

“‘Kay.” Peter replied, putting the book down on the side table neatly. “C’mon, Bucky.”

Another pang. Damn that bear.

The nurse smiled at Peter as he and Steve walked inside.

“Hi, Peter.”

“... Hi.” The boy mumbled, gripping Bucky Bear with one arm and Steve’s pant leg with the other.

_Well, at least it wasn’t just us that he was shy around._

The nurse looked up at Steve, his eyes going wide.

“Oh... oh, wow, you’re-!”

“Not Dr. Stark? That’s true.”

“N-No, you’re- Well, yeah, obviously you’re not Dr. Stark, but- Wow! Captain America, holy heck!”

Steve gave him a lopsided grin. “Just Captain Rogers today, nurse. Where do we go?”

The man pointed down the hall. “Third door on your right. Dr. Nguyen should be waiting in there.” He shook his head, a goofy grin on his face. “Man, my son’s never gonna believe this...”

The soldier resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Peter, I’m gonna give you some advice: if you ever become a superhero- which, by the way, I’m not encouraging you to do, so if your dad asks, it was totally not my idea- keep your identity a secret at all costs.”

“‘Kay.” Peter was silent for a moment. “Steeb?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I be a _spider-themed_ superhero?”

Steve couldn’t help but laugh. “Sure, buddy.”

The little boy gave him a huge grin just as they reached a door labeled _Dr. Yasmin Nguyen_ , which was ajar. Cautiously, Steve knocked on the door, pushing it open.

“Uh... Doctor... Dr. Nguyen?”

A pretty Vietnamese woman with stylish glasses and her hair in a tasteful bun looked over at them, her lips quirked up in a smile.

“Hello, Captain.”

Steve _really_ had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. “Great. You want an autograph too?”

Dr. Nguyen smiled at him. “No, Captain, I’m fine. Dr. Stark informed me that you would be dropping Peter off today, so I’ve had a bit more time to prepare myself than my co workers. Forgive them, they’ve only just become used to Dr. Stark’s presence.”

She stood up, and suddenly Steve realized that she reminded him a lot of Pepper.

No wonder Tony entrusted her with his child.

“Hello, Peter.” She greeted her patient warmly, kneeling down to his eye level.

“Hi, Dr. Nguyen!”

“I see you brought Bucky today.” She glanced up at Steve, a look of concern flashing in her eyes.

“Yup! He’s my favorite!”

“I figured. I’ve set up some paper and crayons on the table, do you wanna go color?”

“Yeah!” Peter turned towards Steve, hugging his leg briefly. “Bye, Steeb!”

The soldier chuckled as the boy ran inside. “So, I should pick him up in an hour, right?”

“That’s about right.” She hesitated for a second. “He talks about you a lot, you know.”

Steve’s eyebrow arched. “Isn’t that a breach of patient confidentiality?”

Dr. Nguyen smirked at him. “Wasn’t talking about Peter, Captain.”

Before Steve could even process just what she meant by that, the door to her office was closed.

And Steve certainly did _not_ blush like an idiot when he realized just who she meant.

* * *

 

Okay. So.

Tony talked about him with his son’s therapist.

That didn’t mean anything. Tony _never stopped_ talking, he was probably just rambling and Steve happened to come up.

Why did he care, anyway?

It was just Tony.

Tony Stark.

Dr. Anthony Edward Stark.

Tony the giant dork who gave sentience to half the kitchen appliances and scared the life out of Thor (and Clint, though he refused to admit it).

Tony who had _kissed him on the cheek for some reason that Steve was having trouble comprehending._

The soldier grimaced as he stepped outside, squinting in the light. A cold, brisk wind blew past, fallen leaves moving with it. The shops across the street from the practice all had little Jack-O-Lantern’s painted in their windows, signalling the coming of Halloween.

Steve had always enjoyed the fall, loved all the colors and the cool breezes, even though prior to the serum it meant a near constant case of the flu, which meant Bucky would pretty much force-feed him chicken soup.

Bucky did not know how to make chicken soup.

Still, he’d appreciated the effort, even if the soup was more water with slightly over-cooked lumps of meat that Steve wasn’t quite sure was chicken.

Steve glanced at the shops across the street, noticing the brightly colored ice cream parlor on the corner. He wondered if Tony would object to him taking Peter for some ice cream.

Considering that he’d overheard Pepper lecturing him about how ice cream did not count as dinner, and she didn’t care if he’d given Peter a normal meal, he didn’t get to eat junk for dinner, probably not.

No matter how many times he saw it, he’d always be a little in awe of how easily Pepper made Tony go from cocky playboy billionaire to kid being chewed out by his mother. Of course, it was a little fitting; sometimes Tony seemed more like a kid surrounded by Legos than a billionaire genius who had revolutionized the energy industry.

Plus the little pout he tried (unsuccessfully) on her was really cute.

Steve blinked, feeling himself turn red.

_Wait,_ what? _Where the hell did_ that _come from?_

No. No, no, no, _no_. _Tony Stark_ and _cute_ did not belong in the same sentence, unless that sentence included Peter. Sure, sometimes the genius’ dorky tendencies could be seen as... _endearing_ , but _cute?_

That wasn’t to say that Tony was unattractive. Tony was certainly handsome, like Howard before him. He had those gorgeous brown eyes, for starters. For all Tony’s faults, his eyes were always so warm, always kind and just a tiny bit _mischievous_. And then there was that smile- not the public ‘Yes, I know I’m awesome, but tell me anyway’ smile, the Interview Smile that was part of the front Tony put up, but the real smile, the one that came whenever he beat Clint at Mario Kart (through cheating) or when Peter was telling him something. It was almost always accompanied by a laugh, and Tony had a _great_ laugh, especially when he was laughing at some stupid joke Steve had told him and _wow_ when the _fuck_ had he started noticing these things?

The soldier groaned, running a hand through his hair. Great, one little peck on the cheek and Steve was acting like a lovesick schoolboy. Over _Tony Stark,_ of all people.

_Maybe I’m overreacting. Just because I notice things about Tony doesn’t mean I have a... thing for him, right?_

Which was true. He noticed things about all of his teammates. Natasha, for example, liked to tease Clint more than anyone else in the tower. Thor was completely _smitten_ with “the Lady Jane”- the first thing he did once he figured out his Stark Phone was to get her number. From the minute she picked up, Thor was basically a wagging tail short of a golden retriever.

A six foot three, extremely muscular, magic-hammer-wielding golden retriever.

What else...? Clint liked to bug people. _A lot._ Sam was a great cook. Bruce had a dry sense of humor.

Steve bit back a groan. Who was he kidding? He hadn’t noticed that many small things about _Bucky,_ and he’d grown up with Bucky. He noticed things, of course- Bucky hated puns, couldn’t cook for shit, cursed like a sailor, had a mean left hook, and had pretty good manners when he wasn’t being a little shit.

And yeah, Tony was a little shit too. Endearing, but a little shit. Snarky, sarcastic, blunt, narcissistic, generous, golden-hearted dorky little shit.

He bit back another groan. What was he _thinking?_ Tony Stark, of all people?

Steve didn't’ have a chance in hell with the man, and even if he did, he wasn’t sure he wanted a chance.

Even if that kiss on the cheek had been kinda nice.

Tony had very soft lips.

He wondered if they’d be as soft on his.

_NO. BAD STEVE. NO._

Jesus _fuck_ , this was not good.

_I can’t think about Tony like that. Not right now. He’s got a young kid, he’d never... no way in hell... right?_

“Hey.”

Steve froze, his eyes going wide in shock when he heard the familiar voice. Suddenly, all thoughts of Tony were pushed to the back of his mind, replaced by the need to turn and look and make sure he wasn’t just hearing things, and the fear that if he looked, he’d just be disappointed again.

“What, are you ignorin’ me now? I mean, not that I don’t deserve it, but you’re not the type to hold a grudge, Winghead.”

The soldier finally couldn’t stand not looking anymore, turning his head just enough to see the familiar face.

“... Hey, Bucky.”

His old friend grinned at him. “Been a while.”

Steve tried hard not to show how relieved he was that Bucky was okay. “Six months.”

Bucky frowned. “Nearly seventy years.”

“Bucky-”

“I don’t...” The other soldier hesitated, almost seeming pained. “Can we forget about that? About... about what happened in DC?”

“You know we can’t.”

Bucky grimaced, sticking his hands in his coat pockets. “... Heard you’re living with Howard’s kid now.”

“Yeah, me and some other ‘exemplary people’.”

“What the fuck does _that_ mean?”

“That we’re all crazy enough to defend the planet from stuff no one else can. We call ourselves the Avengers. ‘Earth’s Mightiest Heroes’ type of thing.”

“Huh. So, your girl’s part of this mess?”

Steve blinked, staring at his old friend. “‘Girl’? I don’t have a _girl._ ”

“Sure you do, the uh, the cute redhead?”

The super soldier’s eyes widened. “Wh- You mean Nat?”

“That’s her name?”

“Uh, well, it’s Natasha- although I think it’s really Natalia or something, I don’t even know, but...” Steve grimaced. “Bucky, no. _Nooooo._ Never.”

“Why not? She’s cute.”

“Bucky, it’d be like dating my _sister_.”

“You don’t _have_ a sister.”

“Shaddup. It’d be like dating _you_ , then.”

“Hey, what’d be so bad about dating me?”

“I’ve had your cooking, Buck, it’s terrible. Plus you don’t shower often enough, and you use too much of that smelly hair gel.”

“Oh, look who’s talking, Mistah... weird... swoopy hair!”

Steve burst out laughing. “Is that the best ya got? Tony’s got better insults on half an hour’s sleep!”

“Liar, no one’s better at insulting you than me!”

“Please, spend an hour in Avengers’ Tower and you’d know you were beat!”

Bucky suddenly fell silent, staring at Steve with an unreadable expression. The soldier frowned, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“Bucky-”

“Don’t.”

“Bucky, really, just, just listen to me, please.”

“I... I _can’t_.”

“Bullshit, you have ears, and if this conversation is any indication, you can still hear me.”

“ _Rogers,_ you _know_ what I mean.”

“Please, Buck, just... just come back with us. We can figure this out, I promise.”

The other soldier refused to look Steve in the eye. “You’ve got Stark, the Avengers, and the kid. Seems to me like you’ve got enough on your plate.”

“Bucky, come on. You can’t just run forever. What about HYDRA? They’re gonna find you eventually.”

Bucky spread out his good arm, and Steve didn’t miss how his winced when he moved the robotic one barely half an inch. “Haven’t found me yet, have they?”

“... Buck. What’s wrong with your arm?”

“Hm? Nothing.” His friend claimed, flexing his good arm.

“The _other_ arm, Bucky.”

“... ‘m fine.”

“Bucky. I know you’re lying to me. What happened?”

“It’s... it’s nothing, really. Just a little... exposed circuitry.” He admitted, mumbling the last part.

“ _Bucky!_ Jesus H. _Christ_ , you’ve been walking around with exposed wires? You know what a fire hazard that is?”

“Well, I ain’t caught on fire yet, have I?”

“That doesn’t mean you should press your luck! Christ, Barnes, are you _stupid?”_

“Hey, I know I’m no genius, but I can take care of myself!”

Steve crossed his arms. “Oh, really? Then how come you haven’t fixed it yourself?”

Bucky grimaced, staring at the ground.

“You don’t know _how_ , do you?”

“... Maybe.”

The soldier rolled his eyes. “Fuckin’ _A_ , Buck, just... just come back to the Tower. Tony can fix your arm, hell, he’ll probably build you a new one.”

Steve saw something flash in the other soldier’s eyes- something like _guilt_ \- when he mentioned Tony’s name.

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just... I can’t.”

Steve glared at him coldly. “Fine. Then I _order_ you to return to Avengers’ Tower with us to have your arm fixed.”

“Oh? And what gives _you_ the right to order me around?”

“Last time I checked, I was your commanding officer.”

“That was in _1945._ ”

“Neither of us were ever discharged.”

“That’s because we _died_ as far as everyone knew, Rogers. I’m not a soldier, and you’re _not_ my captain anymore.” Bucky snarled, his eyes icier than the Arctic. “Get back to your kid, back to your _Avengers_. And quit looking for me, cause I certainly don’t wanna be found.”

“If you don’t wanna be found, then why’d you even come up to me in the first place?” A thought occurred to the super soldier. “And how the hell’d you even _know_ about Peter in the first place?”

The other man resembled a deer in the headlights. “I... I, uh, um...”

“Have you been spying on us?”

“Contrary to popular belief, _poster boy_ , you’re _not_ that interesting. And you can take care of yourself, unlike the kid.”

“What the hell are you...? Bucky, you’re talking like you’ve _met_ Peter.”

Bucky stared at the ground. “I just... I needed to make sure he was okay. That he was given to someone who’d care about him. That’s all.”

“Buck, what are you even _talking_ about?”

“... None of your fuckin’ business.” He growled as he turned away. “And it ain’t none of your fuckin’ business what I do now, either.”

_“James Buchanan Barnes-!”_ Steve started, reaching out to grab his old friend. Just then, though, his phone started beeping, and without thinking he moved to pull it out of his pocket.

“Oh, Peter’s done with his appoint... ment...”

The soldier sighed, staring at the empty space in front of him.

“Fuck.”

* * *

 

“We’re home.” Steve said tiredly, shifting a sleeping Peter around in his arms.

“Welcome back, Cap.” Natasha greeted him, glancing up at him over the couch. “Little guy tuckered out?”

“Yeah. We got ice cream, and then I took him to the park. He ran around playing...” Steve grit his teeth. “‘Captain America and Bucky Bear’... for about half an hour.”

It took less than four seconds for Thor, Clint, and Sam to burst out laughing. Even Natasha grinned, which for her may as well have been a laughing fit.

“‘s not that funny.” The soldier muttered, shifting Peter higher as he placed a carton of milk on the counter. “I bought milk, by the way.”

“Why’d you do that? We can just have Jarvis order more.”

“Because I passed by a grocery store on the way to the airport.”

“... Why were you at an airport?”

“Because Peter’s therapist lives in Chicago.”

“... You say that like it’s supposed to make sense.”

“Does _anything_ Tony Stark does make sense?”

“Fair point.”

Peter let out a small whine. “Shoosh, Steebie, me an’ Bucky are seepin’.”

Steve smiled softly, ruffling Peter’s hair and trying his damndest to ignore the pang of sadness that went through him. “Sorry, baby. How I about I put you in bed, huh?”

The little boy yawned, hugging his bear close to him. “‘Kay.”

* * *

 

Peter’s room was pretty much exactly what Steve was expecting.

Like every other bedroom in the Tower, it was huge, probably bigger than Steve’s old apartment had been. There was a television and several game systems on one side of the room, near a computer that looked like the one Tony kept in his workshop. Books and toys littered the floor, and one corner looked like a miniature library. The walls were an understated blue, lined with photos of a young couple with Peter, an older couple and Peter, and at least one photo of Tony and Peter. There was also a bulletin board with drawings pinned onto it, mostly of the Avengers (and a few spiders).

“I like your room, Peter.”

“Fank you.” The boy mumbled sleepily into Steve’s shoulder. “Daddy says I should clean up more, though.”

Steve snorted. “Like he’s one to talk.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Smart boy.”

Peter yawned. “‘m sleepy.”

“I can tell. Bet running around at the park really wore you out, huh?”

“Uh-huh. It was fun, though. Bucky had fun too.”

The soldier swallowed hard as he laid the little boy into bed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at the sheets covered with atoms. “You all set?”

“Yeah.”

Steve paused for a moment, considering his words carefully. “... Hey, Pete?”

“Yeah, Steeb?”

“Why do you like Bucky Bear so much, anyway?”

Peter yawned. “‘Cause he’s best friends with Cap’n ‘Merica. The museum said so. An’ he’s real brave, too.”

“Museum?”

“Daddy took me to the big museum in D.C after the lady with the suit said he was really my daddy now. We saw the exhibit on you.” He yawned again.

“Oh, you mean the Smithsonian?”

“Uh-huh. ‘m sorry ‘bout what happened to Bucky.”

Steve swallowed hard. “It’s... it’s okay. It was a long time ago.” He lied.

“Still sad. Maybe when I grow up, I can be the new Bucky.”

The soldier grinned. “I think you’re great as Peter.”

“But Bucky’s your friend.”

“So are you, honey.”

Peter looked up at him with hopeful, sleepy eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

The little boy gave him a sleepy smile. “’m happy, then.”

Steve smiled, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Peter’s temple. “Me too, bud. Get some rest, alright?”

Peter yawned, snuggling into Bucky Bear. “Wan’ Cap’n Ameri-Bear.”

The soldier chuckled, grabbing the stuffed version of himself from the edge of Peter’s bed and handing it to the boy.

“Fank you, Steeb.”

“Sure, buddy.”

* * *

 

Steve sighed quietly as he walked out of the elevator and onto the communal floor.

“He go down pretty easily?”

“Yeah. He fell asleep on the flight over, so it wasn’t much of a challenge to get him to sleep.” Steve replied as he sat down on the couch next to Natasha.

“You okay, Cap?”

“Yeah, I just...” He paused for a moment, considering his words carefully. “I saw my best friend today.”

“Uh, yeah, we know, Steve. Nat’s sitting right next to you.” Clint replied, tossing some popcorn into Thor’s mouth.

“Not that best friend, the... the other one.”

“The Son of Will is also here, Steven.” Thor stated.

“No, not Sam, either. I meant... I saw Bucky. In Chicago.”

The room was silent for a moment.

“Steve,” Clint started carefully. “I realize you’re technically a nonagenarian and all, but physically you’re like twenty-five. Please tell me you aren’t forgetting where things are.”

The soldier looked over at Natasha, eyebrow arched. The spy gave him a look, which he responded to with a look of his own. She rolled her eyes.

“Bucky Barnes is _alive,_ Barton.”

“Yeah, no, calling bull on that. He fell of a moving train. In the middle of winter. In the Alps. In _1945._ ”

“Bucky Barnes is also known as the Winter Soldier.”

At that, the archer did a rather comical spit-take, spluttering and coughing for a good minute before he could speak again.

“Wh-What? No. _Nooooo_. The Winter Soldier is a _myth_ , Natasha, remember? We used to tell that story to the baby agents to scare ‘em! He’s not _real_.”

Clint laughed nervously, and Steve arched an eyebrow.

“Barton, are you... are you _afraid_ of the Winter Soldier?”

“What? No, no, pfft, of course not! Why would I be afraid of a stupid story?”

The soldier hummed, glancing at Natasha, who gave him a sly grin.

“Jarvis, pause the movie.”

_“Yes, Agent Romanov.”_

The screen froze, stuck on an image of one of the agents talking to a man while the other was being tossed around by a tentacle monster.

“Aw, come on, that was a good part!” Sam complained.

“Bring up SHIELD File number 616-B12W.”

The screen turned into a flurry of images, then turned red, a window with the words “Password required” on the top appearing.

_“A password is required for this file. Would you like me to find a bypass? I must tell you it will take a few minutes-”_

“Red Star.” Steve said almost automatically.

There was a shrill beep, the screen turning green before the window closed.

_“Or you could just do that.”_ Jarvis remarked, sounding a little irritated. _“Is there any specific image or document you wish for me to pull up?”_

“Image number 1609-S35, please.”

_“Very well, ma’am.”_

In an instant, an image of Bucky in his Winter Soldier gear appeared, the assassin staring straight into the camera.

Clint _shrieked_ , scrambling back over the couch and falling to the floor.

“How did you know the password to the file?” Natasha asked in a whisper as Thor and Sam roared with laughter and Clint cursed them out.

“Fury gave me a dossier. Access codes were included.” Steve whispered back.

“Ah.”

“And an _especially_ big ‘fuck you’ to the Star Spangled Widow team over here!”

“Oh, fuck off, Clint. And how many times have I told you to stop calling us that?”

The archer flipped her off in response.

“Anyway,” Sam started once he was finally able to stop laughing. “What was Barnes doing in Chicago, anyway?”

“Honestly? I have no idea.” Steve replied as the movie started again.

“Ooookay. What’s he been up to?”

“Dunno.”

“... Where’s he living?”

“Dunno.”

“Did you ask him _anything?_ ”

“Believe me, I tried. Said it was ‘none of my fuckin’ business’.” He answered bitterly, purposely doing a poor imitation of Bucky’s voice for the last part.

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Part of him wanted to tell them about what Bucky had said about Peter, but he kept silent about it. With his luck, one of them would tell Tony, and then Tony would (admittedly with good reason) freak out about it.

“Hmph.” Clint muttered as he sat back on the couch. “Fuck the Winter Soldier.”

“If I wasn’t so pissed at him, I might deck you for that.”

“Well thank _god_ he’s an asshole, then.”

“That I _wouldn’t_ deck you for.”

“Why would you deck Clint?” Tony asked as he walked inside, shedding his armor with every step.

“‘Cause I insulted his best bud.”

The billionaire chuckled as he stepped off the platform. “Steve, pally, while your chivalrous nature is commendable, really, I think that Nat would deck him before you even got the chance.”

“I-!”

Natasha quickly shoved the popcorn bowl in the archer’s face.

“He’s right about that.” The spy lied easily.

Tony stared at her for a moment before seeming to decide it wasn’t worth it to question her.

“Where’s ol’ Peteroo?”

“Uh... taking a nap.” Steve answered, keeping his eyes on the TV. “We went to the park after his appointment.”

“Cool. Hope he didn’t drive you too crazy.”

The soldier grinned. “Nah. He’s a good kid... _Dr._ Stark.”

The billionaire stared at him for a moment before letting out a groan. “God fucking- I keep telling those guys to call me Tony, or at least _Mr._ Stark!”

“Aw, don’t feel bad. They respect you, that’s good.”

“Respect shouldn’t make me feel like I’m in General Hospital!”

Natasha gave the soldier a look.

“I know what that is, Tasha.”

She looked away.

Tony sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, okay. Jarvis, remind me to call Samson, tell him to get his staff to stop calling me Doctor.”

“ _Noted, sir._ ”

“And tape that interview, I want to save it for posterity. And because I’m ninety-eight percent sure that Pepper is going to yell at me for it.”

“ _Very good, sir. Shall I arrange another basket of shoes to be sent to her as well?_ ”

“Read my mind, Jarvis.”

“The hell did you do, Stark?” Clint asked warily.

“Nothing! I just... _may_ have called Reed Richards a dickhead on national television.”

Steve groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “ _Tony-_!”

“And I... might have told the world about Peter’s existence.”

“Stark, what the fu-!”

“And I also might have challenged Charles Xavier to a genius-off.”

“Stark, you know that voice in your head that tells you _not_ to say things out loud? You don’t have one!”

“Well, of course I do! I just... don’t really listen to it very often. Which is why I have to send Pepper a basket of shoes with a note attached that says: ‘Sorry I told the world that I gave you superpowers and then we broke up’.”

For a moment, the entire room was silent, save for the television.

“Wait, what?”

“Yeeeaahhh... Extremis turned out to be a _really_ bad idea.”

“And... the breakup?”

“Oh, yeah. Didn’t I tell you guys? Thought I did that already.”

“When the hell did _that_ happen?”

“Uh, l’see... my house in Miami blew up like eight months ago, right?”

“Yes?”

“Then right around then. It’s... I don’t really wanna talk about it, ask Bruce.”

“Why Bruce?”

“Because I think he was awake for that part of the story. He is a _terrible_ listener, by the way, just _awful_.”

Natasha sighed. “Okay, okay. Getting back to the interview. Besides talking shit about the leaders of other teams- and possibly incurring your ex-girlfriend’s wrath- what else did you say?”

“Uh... that, in the wake of SHIELD’s being, y’know, destroyed by a civil war, the world needs someone else to protect it. Thus, the Avengers Initiative was reactivated, and here we are.”

“And you didn’t reveal any secrets?”

“Besides the fact that you, Miss Romanov, are a _very_ good ballerina?”

The spy’s eyes went wide. “Wait, how did you-?!”

“Jarvis sees _all_ , Nat. All includes the gym.”

Natasha grit her teeth. “Stark-!”

“And I talked about Thor’s love for his ‘Lady Jane’.”

“I feel no shame in that.” Thor announced proudly. “I see myself as a fortunate man to have the favor of a woman as great as she.”

“Good for you, bud. Oh, and Clint’s freakout with the kitchen.”

“That was _not_ a freakout!”

“Totally was. By the way, Steve, though I’m sure you already figured this out, you’re the official leader of the Avengers. Congrats.”

Steve did a double take. “Wait, what? Why me?”

Tony arched an eyebrow. “You’re... you’re kidding me, right? Why is _Captain fucking America_ the leader of the Avengers?”

“Tony, technically I’m the youngest of us.”

“And technically you’re the oldest of us. Besides Thor.” Tony paused for a moment. “Hey Thor, how old are you anyway?”

Thor opened his mouth to reply, then closed it with a perturbed look on his face.

“... Old.” He said finally.

“Eh, good enough.” Tony turned back to Steve. “Anyway, it really doesn’t matter how old you are. You’ve got the most leadership experience, and out of all of us, you’re the _least_ fucked up. Which is saying something.”

“Hey, I’m not that fucked up!” Sam protested.

“Yeah, but _you’re_ not a national icon.”

The counselor shrugged. “Point taken.”

“Tony, you’re housing all of us, you’re paying for all of this, hell, you’re even doing the interviews!”

“Yeah, but see, I don’t wanna be team leader, because that means I have to do, y’know, team leader things. And I _hate_ doing team leader things. Plus, these assholes won’t listen to me.”

“Tony-”

“No, he has a point.” Natasha interrupted.

“See? Your best bud agrees with me! Listen to her, for she is wise.”

“Still mad about the spying, Stark.”

“Dammit.”

Steve ran a hand through his hair. “I just... you sure about this, Tony?”

“Absolutely positively. Trust me, Cap, this is _definitely_ the best way to go about this. Who better to lead us than the Star Spangled Man with a Plan?”

The moment that Steve heard his old moniker, he turned bright red, spluttering indignantly.

“I-I, uh, that was, it was just, uh-”

“Dude, what’s with the face?” Clint asked.

“Nothing!” Steve insisted quickly. “Nothing, nothing at all!”

“Wait, you guys don’t _know?_ ”

“Know what?” Sam asked, eyebrow raised.

Tony burst out laughing. “Oh, holy crap, you haven’t seen it, have you?”

“What is that you speak of, Anthony?”

The billionaire grinned evilly at Steve.

“Tony,” The soldier started as evenly as possible. “Tony, I’m begging you. Don’t. Tell them. Anything.”

“Oh, come on, Cap, it’s not _that_ bad.”

“Yes it is! You know how long it took me to get the guys to stop bringing it up?”

“Stark,” Natasha started, eyes narrowed. “Do it, and I’ll tell Pepper that you shocked Banner to see if you could draw out the Hulk. I know you didn’t tell her, and I doubt anyone else did.”

Tony turned a bit pale. “You know what? I lied. There is nothing to be seen. Steve is awesome, and Nat is the scariest.”

“Damn straight I am.”

Steve sighed in relief. “Thank you, Tony.”

The inventor rolled his eyes as he walked towards the elevator. “Yeah, yeah, whatever Captain Handsome.”

It was a rather lucky thing that Tony didn’t turn around just then, because if he had he would have seen Steve turn redder than his armor.

“... So, I like Stark-Rogers as a surname, what about you?” Natasha teased once Tony was out of earshot.

“You are the worst friend. The _worst_.”

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the Winter Soldier would be something veteran agents tell the baby agents to scare the pants off of them, while also being scared to death of him themselves.


	5. Peter, Mary Jane, and Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is ready to go to preschool. Tony is not ready for Peter to be ready to go to preschool. Steve is terrible at excuses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really happy about this chapter because I GET TO START WRITING MJ WOOOOOOOOOO

Tony Stark was a very strange man.

This was not a new observation. Steve had thought that Tony was strange since the first time they met in Stuttgart. Tony’s strangeness was actually one of the few things that he had in common with Howard.

Trudging into the living room, plopping down next to Steve on the couch, and leaning into Steve’s shoulder, all without saying a word, though?

That was a whole new world of strangeness. Even for Tony.

“T... Tony?” Steve asked gently, trying very hard not to turn redder than Natasha’s hair. “You okay?”

The genius mumbled something into the soldier’s shoulder.

“Tony, I speak four languages. Mumble is not one of them.”

“Just got off the phone with Nguyen.”

“Peter’s therapist?” Steve asked, suddenly feeling concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s _great!_ Pete’s made some real progress!”

The soldier let out a sigh of relief, smiling at Tony. “Well, that’s great, isn’t-?”

“In fact, he’s doing so well, she thinks it’s time to enroll him in preschool!”

At Steve’s lack of response, Tony looked up, resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder.

“What?”

“I... I don’t actually know what that is.”

Tony arched an eyebrow. “Seriously? You know what General Hospital is, but you haven’t heard of preschool?”

“Well, in my defense, I haven’t exactly been around anyone who’d be talking about it.”

The billionaire sighed. “Basically preschool is school for three to five year olds. It’s to teach ‘em numbers and social skills and shit.”

“Ah.” Steve frowned. “Can’t... can’t Peter count to over two hundred?”

“Two hundred and fifty, to be exact.”

“You sure preschool is necessary, Stark?” Clint asked, never taking his eyes off of the screen. Currently, he, Sam, Thor, and Natasha were playing Mario Kart.

Natasha was, of course, beating them all by a mile.

“Not for academic stuff. But I don’t want my kid to be like, a social _hermit_ or something.”

“He’s not gonna be a _hermit_ , Tony.”

“Steve. He could barely talk to any of you for a week. He needs to learn how to interact with people.”

“Well, true. Still, don’t you think he might get bored? He’s pretty advanced.”

“I’m aware of that.” Tony said, pride evident in his voice. “And I did talk about the idea of placing him in a higher grade, but neither of us think it’s a good idea.”

“Tony, he can _read.”_

“Yes, and I’m very proud. But the thing is, I started school a hell of a lot younger than I should of, and look how that turned out.”

“You’re a billionaire who revolutionized the energy industry. Not to mention the whole ‘beloved superhero and father’ thing.” Natasha deadpanned as she lapped Clint off for the third time. “On your left.”

“Fuck you!” Clint yelled.

“Yeah, but I was an alcoholic at _seventeen_. Also I don’t like people.”

“You like people.”

“No, I hate people. I just pretend to like people so Pepper won’t lecture me about public image.”

“You like us.”

“You don’t count as ‘people’. You’re... you guys.”

“... Thanks?” Sam replied in a confused voice before yelling about the red shell Thor had thrown at him.

“Anyway,” Steve said, trying to gently push Tony off of him. “If it’s not that he’s too advanced for preschool level work, what’s your hang up?”

“Because... he’s ready for preschool.”

“... And?”

_“I’m_ not ready for him to be ready for preschool.”

Steve blinked. “Oh. _Oh._ ”

“I... I know it’s stupid, I just...” The billionaire sighed, leaning on Steve again. “First he starts preschool, then he starts liking girls- or guys, or both, or none of the above- and then suddenly he’s graduating high school, and then college, and before I know it he’s getting _married,_ and I am _really_ not ready for Peter to get married, Steve, he’s just a little _baby-!”_

“Tony.” Steve interrupted him gently. “Tony, slow down, okay? Let’s just go back to the present day. Peter’s _four_. He’s not getting married anytime soon. He thinks girls have cooties.”

“Actually, he doesn’t. According to him, ‘cooties are a myth ‘petuated by silly little kids on the playground’.”

“You sure this kid needs preschool?”

“Social. Hermit. Besides, cooties _are_ real. We just call ‘em STI’s now.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Tony, relax. You’ve got plenty of time before Peter grows up.”

“But I don’t _want_ him to grow up. I want him to be my adorable Peteroo.” Tony whined, sounding like a petulant child.

“Well, we can’t always get what we want.”

Tony snickered.

“What?”

“Nothing, you’re right. But you know something, Steve? If you try sometimes-”

“Well ya just might find-” Clint joined in.

“YOU CAN GET WHAT YA NEED!” Sam finished with them, the three going into a laughing fit.

“... I walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

“Yep.” Natasha confirmed as she crossed the finish line. “Suck it, bitches.”

Clint, Thor, and Sam all cried out in protest.

“Why’re you leaning on me, anyway?” Steve asked among the accusations of cheating on the spy’s part.

“Cause you’re comfy. And sitting down already.”

The soldier felt the heat rising in his cheeks.

“Erm... Oh, look, Bruce is here!” Steve said quickly as the scientist arrived and sat down next to him. “Here, lean on him.”

Tony whined as Steve pushed him over to Bruce, making a grab for the soldier as he stood up.

“No, come back, you’re comfier than Bruce!” The genius paused. “No offense, Brucie Bear, you know I love ya.”

“Tony, off.”

“Yes, Your Greenness.”

Steve cleared his throat as he made a beeline for the elevator. “I, uh, I... I have to go train my shield. Er, polish in the gym, wait, no, I... oh, forget it.”

“Steve-!” Tony called just as the doors closed. He frowned, turning to look at Natasha.

“What was _that_ all about?”

The spy arched an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”

“Would I be _asking_ you if I knew?”

“There’s a distinct possibility.”

“... Well, I don’t. So tell me.”

Natasha’s mouth twisted into a sly grin. “Nope. You’re on your own with this one, Stark.”

“Aw, Nat, come on! Nobody knows Steve better than you do!”

“That’s why I’m not telling you.”

“You’re the worst, you know that? The _worst.”_

“I think I need to hang out with you people more.” Bruce muttered, looking hopelessly lost.

* * *

“You sure you’re ready for this?”

Peter hesitated, shifting Bucky around in his arms. “... Uh-huh.” He answered after a moment.

“You sure? ‘Cause, you know, we could just go home right now and watch Transformers-!”

_“Tony.”_ Pepper scolded.

“What? I’m just making sure that we’re not forcing him into anything he’s not ready for!”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “Tony, don’t be _that_ parent.”

“What parent?”

“The helicopter parent. The one who swoops into save their kid at the first sign of trouble.”

“What’s wrong with that? Superhero, Pep, remember? Swooping in and saving people is kinda my thing.”

“Tony, no.”

“‘m okay, Daddy.” Peter promised, though he still looked unsure.

Tony bit back a grimace, sighing in defeat. “You really wanna go, bud?”

“Yeah.”

The genius swallowed hard, running a hand through his hair. “... Alright. But if you get scared, I can be here in like-!”

“Tony.”

“... Fine, but... be safe, okay?”

Peter smiled up at him. “‘kay.”

Tony sighed, crouching down to Peter’s eye level and spreading his arms. “C’mere, bud.”

The boy grinned, running over and hugging his dad tightly. “Love you, Daddy!”

Tony forced a smile, pressing a kiss into Peter’s hair. “Love... love you too, baby boy. To the moon and back.”

The boy giggled, releasing his father from the hug and running over to join Pepper.

“Bye-bye, Daddy!” He waved as they made their way towards the building.

Tony swallowed hard, waving back.

“B... Bye, Peter.” He managed, trying to ignore the tears welling up in his eyes.

“First time?” A woman asked him gently.

“Yeah.” Tony admitted, his voice cracking.

The woman did a double take.

“Aren’t you-?”

“Yeah.”

* * *

Peter wouldn’t have admitted this to anyone, but he was completely terrified.

He didn’t understand why he needed to go to preschool. He could _read,_ for crying out loud! How many four-year-olds could say that?

Plus, there were so. Many. Kids. He’d just gotten used to the Avengers, now he had to get used to all of these kids?

At least the teacher let him take Bucky with him. He could always count on Bucky Bear to be his friend.

He really didn’t want to be here, though. He might have told his daddy he did, but it was only because his dad said that Dr. Nguyen was worried about his ‘social skills’, whatever those were. And Dr. Nguyen was really smart, so she probably knew best.

Still. He missed Steve and Tasha and Clint and Unca Bruce and Thor and Sam and Pepper and most of all he missed his daddy, he _really_ missed his daddy.

He wished the Avengers could have come to preschool with him.

_I’ll just draw pitchers of ‘em ‘til nap time. Aunt Pepper said that Daddy was gonna come get me after nap time._

“Hiya!”

Peter nearly jumped out of his skin, knocking Bucky off of the bench. He whirled around, staring wide-eyed at a girl with pretty red hair.

“Uh...”

“You’re new here, huh? We haven’t had any new kids in a while! My name’s Mary Jane, what’s yours?”

“Uh...”

“That’s a weird name.” She bent over, picking up Bucky. “You dropped your bear, Uh.”

Wordlessly, Peter grabbed his bear, swallowing hard.

“... fank you.”

She smiled, and suddenly Peter’s stomach felt like it was full of butterflies. “You’re welcome! So, what’s your real name, Uh?”

The boy swallowed hard, glancing at the ground. “P... Peter.”

“That’s a nice name! We don’t have any other Peter’s in this class!”

Suddenly, she sat down in the seat next to him, brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes.

“Uh...”

“We’ve got two Mary’s, an’ two Jacob’s, an’ we have _four_ Jerry’s, can you believe it?”

“I... I dunno...”

Mary Jane grinned at him. “I’m glad we don’t have any more Mary Jane’s. Eugene says it sounds like a name for an old lady, so I kicked ‘em in the shin!”

“A... Aunt Pepper says violence isn’t the answer...”

“Who’s Pepper?”

“She’s a friend of my daddy’s.”

“Oh.” The girl glanced down at Peter’s drawing. “D’you like Iron Man?”

“Y... Yeah...”

She grinned again. “Me too! I even got his shirt on, see?”

Sure enough, the girl had the image of Peter’s father emblazoned on her shirt.

“Daddy says that they don’t make his armor ‘ccurate on those shirts.” Peter commented without thinking, pushing his glasses up.

Mary Jane’s eyes widened. “Wait... are you sayin’ your daddy is _Iron Man?”_

Peter’s eyes widened when he realized what he’d said, hugging Bucky tightly. “Uh, well, I...”

The girl leaned close, her eyes narrowed in scrutiny. “Is your name Peter _Parker?”_

The bespectacled boy swallowed hard. “Y... Yes.”

She stared at him for another minute before bursting into a wide grin, grabbing Peter’s hands excitedly.

“That’s _so_ cool! So you really live with Cap’n ‘Merica an’ Thor an’ the Hulk an’ the Black Widow an’ Hawkeye an’ all them?”

“Y... Yeah... The Hulk’s never really around, though. Unca Bruce mostly just stays Unca Bruce.”

“You get to call the _Hulk_ your Unca?”

“D... Daddy said it was okay. It makes Unca Bruce happy, too.”

“That’s good! D’you call any other Avengers Unca or Aunt?”

“No, just Unca Bruce. Daddy says Aunt Pepper is an Avenger, though, but she just rolls her eyes an’ says ‘Tony, no’ when he does.”

“Does she do that a lot?”

“She says she’s gonna write an autobiography with that title.”

“What’s an autobiography?”

“I dunno, I think it’s a book.”

“Oh.” Suddenly, Mary Jane turned around, gasping. “Hey!”

She ran off, and for some reason Peter felt like his heart had dropped to the bottom of his stomach.

“... Guess it’s just you an’ me now, Bucky.” He mumbled, hugging his bear tightly and picking up a crayon.

“... c’mon, Harry, this way!”

“MJ, cool it! This is an Armani sweater!”

Peter looked up, startled. Mary Jane was dragging a boy across the floor, a brunet who looked rather disgruntled.

“Peter, this is Harry! Harry, this is Peter!”

Harry glared at her for a moment, then turned to face Peter with a serene look on his face.

“Harry Osborn.” He said diplomatically, sticking out his hand for Peter to shake.

“... Peter Parker.” The boy responded, shaking his hand.

Harry’s eyes widened. “Oh, wow, you mean like the one that Tony Stark adopted?”

Peter grinned nervously. “That’s... that’s my daddy, yeah.”

Mary Jane grinned, elbowing Harry. “See? Told ya he was cool.”

The boy rolled his eyes. “You’re insufferable, MJ.”

“Joke’s on you, I don’t know what that means!”

“It means you’re hard to be with.” Peter informed her, pushing his glasses up again.

MJ rolled her eyes. “Oh, great, _another_ smartypants!”

Peter felt his stomach drop again. “O-Oh, um, ‘m sorry. Should... Should I _not_ be a smartypants?”

Both MJ and Harry frowned, glancing at each other briefly before turning back to Peter.

“No, it’s... it’s okay, it’s good to be smart, y’know?”

“Oh, um, good. ‘Cause I’m real smart. Daddy said so.”

“Well, he’d know, wouldn’t he?” Harry said with a grin.

“I think so, yeah.”

They all laughed at that. Suddenly, Mary Jane slammed her hands on the table.

“Hey, Pete, d’you like Legos?”

“Y... Yes?”

“Great! We just got a whole buncha new ones a couple days ago!”

She grabbed Peter by the arm, dragging him out of his chair so quickly that the boy dropped Bucky. “Let’s go play!”

“W-Wait!” Peter cried, pulling his arm back.

“What?” MJ asked, looking startled.

The bespectacled boy swallowed hard, walking back over and picking up Bucky. He inspected the bear for any damage, and when he was satisfied, he turned back to them.

“I need Bucky. He used to be Daddy’s, so I gotta take good care of him.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“‘s’okay.”

Mary Jane looked at the floor, twirling her hair around her finger.

“D... D’you still wanna play with Legos?” She asked, sounding almost shy.

Peter grinned widely. “Sure.”

Harry sighed. “I’ll start plannin’ the weddin’.”

_“Harry!”_

* * *

“So he was really okay?”

The teacher rolled her eyes for what had to be the hundredth time since Tony arrived.

“Yes, Mr. Stark. Peter seemed very happy every time I saw him today.”

“You sure? Because for a four year old, he’s pretty good at hiding his feelings.”

“I’m fairly sure. He was laughing most of the time.”

Before Tony could question her further, she opened the door to the main room, where children on mats were all sound asleep.

“Be as quiet as possible, please, some of them are a nightmare when they first wake up. Peter should be next to the left wall.”

Tony nodded, taking care to step lightly as he headed towards where his son was.

When he found him, he couldn’t help but smile. Peter was fast asleep with Bucky Bear in his arms, his hand holding a sleeping redhead’s. On the other side, another boy in a sweater had appropriated about a quarter of Peter’s mat.

“Pete... hey, Peter, bud, it’s time to get up...” He whispered, shaking Peter’s shoulder slightly.

Suddenly, the redheaded girl next to him sprang up, green eyes wide for a second before fluttering closed.

“Whoops. Sorry, kiddo.”

The girl blinked at him, then gasped, her lips spreading into a huge grin.

_“Iron Man!”_ She squeaked happily.

“Shh! Don’t wake anyone else up, okay? I don’t want Mrs. Kaplan to get mad at me.”

“Oh, sorry.” She smiled up at him, still holding Peter’s hand. “My name’s Mary Jane Watson. You’re Pete’s daddy, right?”

“Yep. Mind telling me why you’re holding my kid’s hand?”

“Oh, ‘cause he said he was nervous ‘bout sleepin’ away from home, so I held his hand ‘til he fell asleep. Guess I fell asleep too.”

“That was nice of you.”

“Uh-huh.” She glanced over at Peter, shaking his shoulder slightly. “Hey, Parker, wake up!”

Peter groaned. “Five more minutes, Pepper...”

“‘M not Pepper, now wake up!” She let go of Peter’s hand and got on her knees, shaking Peter’s side. “Wakey-wakey eggs an’ bakey!”

The boy awoke with a snort, sitting up. “Optimus!”

“There aren’t any Transformers here, silly!”

Tony’s son blinked, rubbing his eyes. “I can’t see.” He announced.

“Oh, right.” Tony reached up, grabbing Peter’s glasses from the table. Carefully, he slipped them on to Peter’s face. “Here, baby boy.”

Peter blinked again, then smiled once his eyes adjusted.

“Hi, Daddy!” He greeted cheerfully, all but tackling Tony in a hug.

“Heya, squirt.” Tony replied, pressing a kiss into Peter’s hair.

Peter giggled. “‘m not a squirt!”

“Okay, a munchkin, then.”

“Not gonna ‘present the lollipop guild, Daddy!”

“Are you a Muppet, then?”

“Noooo!”

“Are you... a little monster?”

Peter giggled again. “Daddy, you’re silly! I’mma little boy!”

Tony mock gasped. “No! _Really?”_

“Yeah!”

“Well, you know what happens to little boys, don’t you?”

“No, what?”

“They get a visit from... _the Tickle Monster!”_

Peter shrieked in delight as Tony started tickling him, doing an evil laugh as he did.

“Shh!” Mrs. Kaplan hissed, startling both father and son into silence.

“Sorry!” They whispered simultaneously before dissolving into giggles.

“What’s all the yellin’ about...?” The little boy in the sweater next to Peter mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.

“Hi, Harry!” Peter greeted cheerfully. “This is my daddy!”

The other boy, Harry, blinked, his eyes going wide and his mouth dropping open.

“O... Oh, wow, you’re _Iron Man!”_

“So I’ve been told.” Tony flashed the kid his signature grin. “Tony Stark, at your service.”

“H... Harry Os-!”

“So, I see that the whole child thing wasn’t just a publicity stunt, Stark.”

Tony froze, his eyes narrowing as he picked up Peter and stood up.

“Osborn.” Tony stated as diplomatically as possible as he turned to face his old rival. “I see you’re as pleasant as ever.”

“Likewise. I’m impressed, Stark. I would have thought that you would have sent that little PA of yours to pick up your child.”

“First of all, _Norman,_ Pepper isn’t my PA, she’s the CEO of Stark Industries, has been for several years now. Second of all, even if Pep _was_ still my PA, I’d never miss out on picking Pete up from his first day of school.” He ruffled Peter’s hair. “I happen to be very fond of him.”

“I can see that.” Norman quipped, his lips curled up in a falsely-cheerful smile.

“Why are you here, Osborn?”

“The same reason as you, Stark, to pick up my son.” He leaned over, looking past Tony. “Isn’t that right, Harold?”

“Yes, Father.” Harry answered, sounding more like a robot responding to its master than a child greeting their father.

Tony arched an eyebrow. “Since when do you let your kid attend a preschool? I thought you’d have him go to a private tutor.”

“It was one of the terms of the divorce, Stark. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have _actual_ work to do. We can’t _all_ be _superheroes._ ” He turned on his heel. “Come along, Harold.”

“Yes, Father.” Harry stood up, straightening out his sweater and following his dad.

“Bye-bye, Harry!” Peter called.

Harry paused for a moment, turning around and waving to Peter with a grin.

“Harold. _Now.”_

Tony didn’t miss the way that the little boy flinched before running after his father.

_Hate that guy._

The inventor swallowed hard, forcing himself to smile for his son’s sake.

“Ready to go, bud?”

“Uh-huh. Oh, wait! I dropped Bucky!”

Tony chuckled, setting Peter down so that he could retrieve the bear.

Once the toy was in his arms, Peter paused, turning to look at MJ.

“I gotta go home now.” He stated stoically.

“I know.” Mary Jane said with a grin.

“Mary Jane!” A woman called. Most of the children were waking up now, their parents coming to get them.

“In an minute, Auntie Anna!”

Suddenly, the redhead grabbed Peter in a hug, squeezing him tightly.

“See ya tomorrow, Peter!” She said as she released him, waving as she ran towards her aunt.

“B... Bye...” Peter managed after a moment, his cheeks turning bright red.

Tony was torn between squealing over how cute it was and crying because his boy was growing up.

* * *

“We have returned!” Tony announced triumphantly as he walked into the living room, Peter sitting on his shoulder and giggling.

“Welcome back.” Pepper said as she walked up to them. “How was your first day of preschool, Peter-Peter-Pumpkin-Eater?”

The boy giggled. “‘m not a pumpkin eater, Aunt Pepper!”

“Oh? Are you Peter the one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater, then?”

“Nooo! I’m Peter Parker!”

“Oh, really? That’s news to me!”

Peter giggled. “You’re so silly, Aunt Pepper!”

She laughed, ruffling the boy’s hair. “No, you’re silly!”

“Nah-uh!”

“Yeah-huh!”

“No! Daddy’s sillier than me, ‘member?”

“You make a good point, honey.”

“I resent that remark.”

Pepper rolled her eyes as the three of them walked over to the couch, where the rest of the Avengers were gathered around watching TV. “But really, Peter, how was preschool?”

“It was lots of fun! I got to draw lots of pitchers an’ play Legos an’ Avengers with MJ an’ Harry!”

“Who are MJ and Harry?” Steve asked, glancing up from his sketchbook.

“Peter’s new best friends. Cute kids.”

“MJ talks lots an’ is real funny, an’ Harry knows lots of big words! He’s almost as smart as me!”

Pepper gave Tony a look.

“What?”

“He gets that from you.”

“What, pride in his own abilities?”

“Tony.”

“Okay, fine.” Tony said with a sigh. “Peter, honey, don’t brag so much about how smart you are, alright?”

“Why not?”

“Because then people like Pepper will roll their eyes at you.”

“Oh, okay.”

_“Tony!”_

“Well, it’s the truth, isn’t it?”

Pepper rolled her eyes.

“See? That right there is _exactly_ what I’m talking about!”

Peter giggled, hopping off of Tony’s lap.

“I’m gonna go hang up my new pitchers, okay?”

Tony ruffled his son’s hair. “You do that, bud.”

Once Peter was out of earshot, Tony let out a hefty sigh, leaning back on the couch and running his hand through his hair.

“See? That wasn’t so bad, huh, Tony?” Bruce asked, glancing up from his tablet.

“It was the longest five hours of my life, Brucie Bear, but that’s not why I’m sighing.”

Steve blinked. “What’s the matter, then?”

“Harry. Harry is the matter.”

“What about Harry?”

“Harry _Osborn.”_

Everyone except for Steve and Thor froze, staring at Tony in shock.

“No way.” Sam stated incredulously after a moment.

“You mean like _that_ Osborn?” Pepper asked.

“Yes, _that_ Osborn.”

“Are you fucking- there’s no way, Osborn wouldn’t-!”

“Oh, he would, Brucie Bear. Divorce terms, apparently.”

“Should... should the name Osborn be a red flag?” Steve asked, genuinely concerned.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Jarvis, pause.”

_“Yes, ma’am.”_

The TV froze just as a blond girl was about to stab a man about twice her size with a fork.

“Oh, come on! Why do you _always_ do that _just_ when we’re getting to the good part?” Clint yelled.

“Because I like to watch you suffer. Pull up SHIELD file 7736-20B.”

An image of a wealthy-looking man with frankly _strange_ looking hair covered half the screen, data scrolling on the other.

“Norman Osborn, owner and CEO of Oscorp, a chemical and energy company that has been the chief rival of Stark Industries since their emergence into energy.”

“He’s also a butthead.” Tony added bitterly.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Tony, just because he’s your rival-”

“No, no, he’s a butthead. It’s documented. See?” Clint pointed out.

The soldier squinted at the report. “Huh. ‘Insufferable, self-centered, slight sociopathic tendencies.’”

“Told ya.”

“SHIELD was monitoring him and his company’s activities prior to... well. There was some sort of secret project going on, but we never got enough evidence to start a proper investigation.”

“So, what, SHIELD thought Osborn was engaging in illegal practices?”

“Yes, but what we were focused on was a chemical compound being developed.”

“Oscorp was doin’ some _weird_ shit with gamma radiation for a while.” Clint added.

“They _what?!”_ Bruce all but bellowed, his eyes flashing green.

“Bruce, calm, calm down, caaalllm...”

The scientist grit his teeth. “I’m _perfectly_ calm. I just have the sudden urge to beat the _shit_ out of Norman Osborn.”

“Don’t we all, Brucie Bear.”

“You’ll be happy to know that the gamma experiments stopped almost as soon as they started. Mostly thanks to you, Banner.”

“... Ohhh.”

“Yeah. Oh. Anyway, right before the whole ‘HYDRA is back but really it never left’ thing, we discovered some evidence of another experiment, one involving something called the OZ Formula.”

“And then...?”

“And then SHIELD shut down, so we got nothing.”

“Well, crap.”

“Tell me about it.” Tony muttered. “My kid’s best friend is the son of an asshole who might also be developing some sort of super-soldier serum.”

“What are you going to tell Peter?”

Tony gave Steve a puzzled look. “Why would I tell Peter anything?”

“Because... I’m sorry, I thought this was leading up to you telling Peter he can’t be friends with Harry.”

The inventor snorted. “Oh, please. This is between me, Norman, and possibly the Avengers if anything comes out of it. My beef with Osborn shouldn’t keep Peter from making friends.”

Steve smiled. “Well, that’s very big of you, Tony.”

“You’ll find that I’m big in many ways, Cap.”

The room was silent for a moment. Suddenly, Thor snorted, then burst out laughing, Clint and Sam joining him after a moment.

“What? What’d I say?” Tony looked over at Steve. “Why are you blushing?”

“Tony,” Bruce started, clearly barely holding back laughter. “Think about what you just said.”

The genius paused for a moment, then turned brick red all the way up to his hairline.

“Wait, that’s- th-that’s not- Pepper!” He whined. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

Pepper was trying too hard not to laugh to reply.

Tony covered his face with his hands. “You guys suck!”

“Red’s a good color on you, you know.” Steve murmured absently, finding himself unable to look away.

Tony stared at him, then somehow turned even redder.

“Wait, _what?”_

Steve blinked, then felt his entire face start to burn.

“Uh... d... did I say that out loud?”

“Yes, yes you did, now explain yourself!”

The soldier swallowed hard, looking anywhere but in Tony’s eyes. “I, uh, um... woops, I forgot, I have to go... uh... work on this excuse, goodbye!”

“Rogers, come back here!”

* * *

Thor was laughing.

Laughing rather hard, it seemed.

She _hated_ how taken he was with these foolish mortal creatures.

“My lady.”

She turned around, closing the portal. “Is everything prepared, Skurge?”

The giant man nodded. “Yes, my lady.”

“Good.” The blonde woman’s lips curled up in a smile. “I think it’s about time we paid our dear prince a, ah, _visit_ , don’t you?”

“Yes, Lady Amora.”

She frowned. “Executioner. What have I told you to call me?”

“E... Enchantress?”

“Yes. And what should you do?”

“... Call you Enchantress?”

“Correct. Now, let’s try this again. What do you think about paying dear Prince Thor a little visit?”

“It’s a splendid idea... _Enchantress_.”

She smiled.

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is wondering, the Green Goblin won't be around for another ten years in this fic's universe. Gobby is Spidey's problem.  
> Also, they were watching Leverage in that last Avengers scene.


	6. Enchanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor needs to stop pissing off magic users, even if Loki wasn't his fault.

Steve liked to think that he wasn’t surprised by many things. After all, he’d fought a Nazi defector with no skin and a literally red skull, woken up after being frozen for seven decades, fought alongside a Norse god against said Norse god’s evil brother, survived the downfall of SHIELD, found out the best friend he thought had died after falling off of a train was alive (and brainwashed), and somehow managed to live with a bunch of unstable people (one of which was Tony Stark) for a month without anyone dying.

He’d have liked to think that he was pretty unfazeable.

But this?

This was just... _weird._

“Hi, guys!” Natasha greeted them in a weirdly cheerful voice. “Have a good run?”

Steve’s eyes first flickered over to Clint, who was sitting next to her on the overturned couch. The archer was sticking his tongue out and looking in a small mirror, seeming to be looking for something. Bruce was sitting at the bar and typing, clad only in underpants. Tony was in his armor, just... floating above the ground for some indiscernible reason. Peering behind the couch revealed Mjolnir on top of Thor’s clothes.

“... Okay, what the hell happened here?”

Clint rolled his eyes, putting down the mirror and making some strange motions with his hands.

“I... I don’t get it, what’s he doing?”

“He’s signing, Steve-O!”

Okay, seriously, Cheerful Natasha was fucking _creepy._

“Why does Clint know how to sign?” Sam asked.

“‘Cause he’s deaf. Long story short: sonic arrow blew up right next to his ear. Coulson chewed him out for it once he was stable.” She laughed. “Man, that was fun to watch.”

Steve didn’t need to know sign language to understand the gesture Clint made.

“Don’t be rude!” Natasha chastised teasingly, swatting Clint’s shoulder.

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, can someone- not Natasha or Clint- tell me what the hell happened?”

“Thor’s ex-girlfriend has rage issues, to put it lightly.” Bruce replied in a strangely monotone voice, his face devoid of any emotion. “She popped in her, propositioned Thor, and when he said no, she didn’t take it well.”

“How ‘not well’?”

Bruce gestured at the mostly destroyed living room. “Thor needs to stop pissing off magic users.”

“Loki was not my fault!” A muffled voice called. “... Well, _mostly_ not my fault, but no matter!”

Steve blinked, walking over to the pile of clothes on the floor, noticing for the first time the small lump wriggling around under the god’s cape.

“Curse this maze of cloth!”

“Th... Thor?” Steve asked carefully. “You in there, buddy?”

The lump paused. “Yes. It is quite dark. Could you perhaps lift this infernal cape off of me?”

Hesitantly, the soldier pulled the red cloth up, his eyes going wide when he saw his Asgardian friend.

“... Would you believe that this isn’t the first time this has happened?”

“This isn’t the first time you’ve been turned into a _toad?”_

Thor croaked sadly. “I am afraid not. Loki was fond of this trick when we were boys. It was second only to the ‘false Loki’ trick in terms of usage.”

“And... you still have hair. That’s... that’s really _weird,_ Thor.”

“Not all magic makes complete sense, Steven.” The god answered as he hopped into Steve’s open hand.

Steve frowned, standing up. “Why a toad?”

“The Lady Amora has fancied me for quite some time, which I have been aware of since she attempted to bewitch me into loving her back. She asked me to return to Asgard with her- all the while calling you all, Selvig, Lady Darcy and Lady Jane mere mortals who I’d forget soon enough- and when I refused her, she became angry. She called me an ‘idiotic, arrogant _toad_ ’ and...” Thor sighed. “Now I _am_ a toad.”

“She told me I needed to lighten up!” Natasha called, almost sounding like she was _giggling._ “And she told Clint that he needed to learn to be silent!”

Clint signed something, a glare on his face.

“I’m not repeating that, baby!”

“B... baby...?” Steve’s lips turned up in a grin as the archer turned a very interesting shade of red, furiously signing something to Natasha.

“You seemed to like it well enough last ni-!”

The archer quickly covered her mouth with his hand, glaring at a chortling Sam.

“Well, getting away from the fact that I _knew_ you two were together- I know what that gesture means, Clint, I’m old, not stupid- what about you, Bruce?”

“The other guy had a fight with Amora’s bodyguard.” He pointed to the large, man-shaped dent in the wall. “Probably knocked a few teeth out. As ‘punishment’, Amora took away my anger.”

“Your... anger?”

“And my happiness, sadness, fear, basically every emotion I was capable of feeling. I feel nothing, Captain.”

... Okay. So Natasha wasn’t the only one being extremely creepy.

Steve cleared his throat. “M... Moving on...” He glanced over at the Iron Man armor, which was still floating in the same place it had been when Steve and Sam had arrived. “What about Tony?”

“At that point, I had already been turned into a toad, and was trapped under the cloth.”

“I was trying to help Clint. Clint was freaking out because he couldn’t talk.”

“I was unconcious.”

The soldier sighed. “So, no one knows, then?”

“Nope.”

“Not a clue.”

“I am afraid not.”

“Great. Hey, Tony?”

There was no answer from the armor. Steve frowned, handing Thor off to a (somewhat disgusted) Sam and walking over to the armor.

“Iron Man?” He tried.

Nothing.

Steve leaned in, glaring at the armor. “I know you can hear me, Tony. Even if you’re not in the armor, you’re still listening, aren’t you?”

For a second, there was silent, and then suddenly Steve could make out a voice. It sounded a lot younger than Tony, as well as sounding utterly terrified.

And it was definitely coming from inside the armor.

_“Help!”_

Steve jerked back in surprise, eyes wide.

“What? What did he say?”

“There’s... there’s someone in there. A kid, I think.” The soldier replied, sounding dazed.

“Wh- Well, don’t just _stand_ there! Get him out!”

“O-Okay, okay...” Hesitantly, Steve grabbed the sides of the armor. “Sure hope Tony doesn’t kill me for this...” He muttered before pulling _hard,_ gritting his teeth and grunting from exertion before finally ripping the front of the armor away from the back. The soldier scarcely had time to toss the metal away before the person in the suit fell forward with a yelp, pushing Steve to the floor.

“Ow...” Steve groaned, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head.

“Freaking _A_ , that hurts...” The person on top of Steve mumbled as they got up. Suddenly, Steve heard a gasp, the soldier opening his eyes before nearly gasping himself.

Steve found himself staring into a familiar pair of brown eyes, but ones that were set in a much younger face, one with less wrinkles and a tiny bit of acne smattered across the nose.

“T... Tony?”

“... Huh?” The boy, who couldn’t be much older than fourteen, mumbled, brushing a lock of brown hair out of his eyes. He blinked, then flushed bright red from his chin to the roots of his hair.

“Er, I mean, yes, I is Tony, n-no, I mean, I _am_ Tony, Tony Stark, that’s my name, heh.” He paused, turning even redder when he realized the position he was in.

“Crap, uh, sorry, I-!” Tony blathered as he scrambled to get off of Steve. “S-Sorry, crap, god, I’m awful, sorry-!”

The soldier bit back a laugh as he stood up, holding out a hand to the younger version of his friend. And Tony had teased _him_ for being awkward.

“Oh, um, thanks...” The teen muttered, taking Steve’s hand. “Sorry, this... this is _awkward_ , not, not that _you’re_ awkward, no, I’m- we’re- _I’m_ awkward.” He grinned up at Steve. “You’re _gorgeous.”_

Steve blinked, swallowing hard. “P... Pardon?”

Tony’s eyes went wide, the teen flushing even more.

“That was supposed to be in my head.” He whispered in a strained voice.

“I... I figured.” The soldier couldn’t help the little grin on his face. “Thanks?”

That seemed to stun Tony into silence.

“Wow. You broke Stark. That’s impressive, Rogers.”

Tony whirled around, staring at Sam. “Wait, who the heck are you?”

Before Sam could answer, Tony had turned back to Steve.

“For that matter, who the heck are _you?_ I mean, I know I’ve admitted that I think you’re good looking, but I still have no clue who you are.”

Steve opened his mouth to answer, but before he could the teen was already off on another tangent.

“And where am I, anyway? Did you kidnap me? Cause let me tell you, that never works out well for anyone. I’ve gotten _very_ good at annoying the crap out of kidnappers.”

Clint signed something to Natasha.

“Clint! That’s mean, and besides that you know it isn’t true, silly!” The spy said as she ruffled the increasingly disgruntled-looking archer’s hair.

“Ooookay. Weird lovey-dovey kidnappers. I think that might be a new one, which is impressive considering.”

Steve sighed. “They’re not usually like this. And for that matter, you’re not usually like this.”

Tony arched an eyebrow, staring doubtfully at the captain.

“And what do you mean by that, oh handsome stranger?”

“Tony, what year do you think this is?”

“1984.”

“And you’re how old?”

“Fourteen. Duh.”

The soldier looked up. “Jarvis, what year is it?”

_“2014, Captain Rogers.”_

The teen nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Who the hell said that?!”

_“I did, sir.”_

“Why is there a- a- a _voice_ coming out of the walls?!”

_“I am an AI, sir. You programmed me.”_

“I did?”

_“Yes.”_

“When did I do that?”

_“I became sentient on October 3rd, 2003.”_

Tony blinked, running a hand through his hair. “Wait, wait, so... _I_ made you?”

_“You created me, DUM-E, Butterfingers, You-”_

“Hang on, I made _me?_ Look, voice, I’m fairly sure I came out of my mom. And sadly, my dad had something to do with it.”

_“No, You. You is one of the AI’s you’ve created.”_

“But- ugh, whatever, this is just gonna turn into Who’s On First, just... keep going, what else did I make?”

_“A variety of weapons, though you’ve expressed a certain dislike towards that portion of your life. And of course, there’s the Iron Man armors.”_

Tony blinked. “Iron... Man? The hell is that?”

_“You are standing next to one of the armors. Or what’s left of it, anyway.”_

The teen turned towards the ruined armor. “This pile of scrap?”

_“Up until around five minutes ago, it was the most advanced in the armory.”_

Steve smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Hm? Oh, it’s... it’s fine, y’know, whatever, I just... god, I actually _made_ this?”

“Yeah. Actually, I remember Fury telling me something about you upgrading the Helicarrier’s engine after you... got an upclose look.”

“Who’s Fury? And what’s a Helicarrier? And also, I still have no clue where I am or who any of you people are?”

Steve sighed. “Nick Fury is- _was_ the director of the now-defunct Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement Logistics Division, aka SHIELD. The Helicarrier was the airborne base of SHIELD. It crashed into the Potomac about seven months ago. And as for who we are...”

Steve gently grabbed Tony’s shoulder, turning him towards Clint.

“Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye. Former agent of SHIELD, Natasha’s partner- in more ways than one- and apparently a former circus brat. Yes, Clint, Natasha did tell me about the circus, did you really think she wouldn’t?”

Clint glared at him and mouthed ‘fuck you, Rogers’.

The soldier turned Tony towards Natasha next.

“Natasha Romanov, aka the Black Widow. Former agent of SHIELD, Clint’s partner, and the scariest member of the Avengers. Normally because she can kill you twelve different ways with her pinkie. Right now, she’s scary for a different reason.”

Natasha giggled.

“You’re right, she _is_ scary.”

Next, Bruce.

“Dr. Bruce Banner, aka The Hulk. The end result of an attempt to use gamma radiation to recreate the super soldier serum-”

“You mean the thing that created Captain America?”

Steve suppressed a grin. “Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, it went wrong. _Very_ wrong. Now we have a Hulk.”

“Is that bad?”

“Eh. Depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether or not he wants to smash you.”

“... What?”

“Long story. Anyway!”

He turned the teen towards Thor.

“Thor, the Norse God of Thunder. Yes, _that_ one. He’s normally not a toad.”

“Why is he a toad right now?”

“The same reason you’re fourteen and we’re going through this at all: he has a terrible habit of angering magic users.”

“Loki was not my fault!” The toad paused. “For the most part.”

“Who’s Loki?”

“Later. The guy holding Thor is Sam Wilson, aka Falcon.”

“I haven’t agreed to that!”

“You’d rather be called Birdbrain?”

“... You know what, I like Falcon.”

“That’s what I thought. Anyway, Sam’s a veterans’ counselor. And I’m...”

“Oh, wait, wait, man, let me do it!” Sam practically begged.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Oh, fine.”

Sam grinned, then cleared his throat. “Captain Steven Rogers, aka Captain-”

“Captain America...” Tony interrupted, staring at Steve with wide eyes.

“Aw, man, I never get to say it.”

“You’re... you’re Captain America.” Tony repeated, sounding dazed. “Holy _crap_ , you’re _Captain America_. _The_ Captain America.”

“That I am.”

Suddenly, Tony frowned, folding his arms and looking at the floor.

“Bet my _dad_ was happy to see you.”

Steve froze, his heart sinking.

He doesn’t know. Of course he doesn’t know, it hasn’t happened yet as far as he’s concerned.

“T... Tony... Howard’s... not around.”

The teen snorted. “Of course he isn’t. Kinda his thing, y’know?”

“No, I mean...” Steve sighed. “Jarvis, a little help?”

_“Are you quite sure you wish to tell him, Captain?”_

“Yes. It’s better that he hears it now.”

_“As you wish. Howard and Maria Stark died in a car crash that was facilitated by Hydra on April 26th, 1991.”_

Tony froze, his eyes going wide with shock.

“Wh... what?”

_“Your parents have been dead for some time now, sir. I’m very sorry.”_

The teen suddenly looked pale, staggering over and leaning on the couch.

“Tony-!” Steve started, taking a step towards his friend.

Tony waved him off. “‘m... ‘m fine, I just... where’s Jarvis?”

_“I am right here, sir.”_

“Not _you_ , I meant the _real_ Jarvis. Edwin.”

“... Who?”

“Edwin Jarvis. My butler?” Tony lifted his hand about two or three inches above his head. “About yea high, extremely British, snarky, white hair, glasses? Where is he?”

_“Sir...”_  Steve could have sworn the AI almost sounded remorseful. _“Edwin Jarvis died of cancer on October 3rd, 2002. I’m very sorry.”_

The teen didn’t speak for a moment. “O... Obie, then.” He said quietly, his voice cracking. “I want Obadiah.”

_“Obadiah Stane died in an accident involving a copy of the Iron Man armor on April 30th, 2008. If it helps, he attempted to kill you at least three times.”_

Tony was shaking now. “R... Rhodey?”

_“Lt. Colonel Rhodes is currently at the Pentagon. Would you like me to call him?”_

“What the hell do you _think?!”_ Tony snapped, his voice breaking at the end. “Half the people I know are apparently _dead,_ I’d _like_ to see a familiar face before I have a _breakdown!”_

_“As you wish, sir.”_

The teen took a shaky breath, leaning against the sofa and grabbing his chest.

His eyes went wide when his fingers brushed past the arc reactor.

“... the hell?” He mumbled nervously as he tugged his shirt outward so that he could see his chest. He shrieked when he saw the glowing circle, sliding to the floor.

“What the _fuck_ is this... this... _thing?!_ Why is there this hunk of _metal_ and this glowy thing in my chest?”

“Tony-!”

“Oh my god, am I _dying?_ I’m dying, aren’t I?” He groaned. “I’m gonna die when I’m _forty-frickin’-four!”_ The teen paused for a moment. “Oh, my god. I’m forty-four. I am _forty-four_. I’m _old._ ”

“Actually, you’re only the third-oldest member of the team!” Natasha chirped.

“Nat, not the best time.”

Tony groaned and curled into a ball. “I’m dying, I’m old and I’m dying and half the people I know are _dead_ and there’s a robot voice in the walls and a god turned into a frog and _Captain frickin’ America is standing in front of me_ oh _god._ Is this my life? This is my life, and my future self is apparently a _crazy person-!”_

The teen’s rambling halted the moment Steve wrapped his arms around him, holding him close to his chest.

“Uh... what are you doing?” Tony asked, his voice coming out as little more than a squeak.

“Hugging you. Seemed like you might need one.”

“O-Oh. Um... thanks...” Suddenly, the teen tapped Steve’s chest. “Man, your pecs are firm.”

The soldier couldn’t help but snort. “Um... thanks?”

He could feel the heat radiating off of Tony’s face. “Why do I keep saying things out loud?”

Steve chuckled, releasing Tony from the hug and helping him up. “It’s alright, really. Trust me, you’re not the first person to tell me that.”

Despite his embarrassment, Tony managed to smile up at Steve.

“There’s... there’s one more thing we ought to tell you about.”

“What, I’m married? Because the way this day is going, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“No, no, you’re not married, but... you, um... you have a son.”

Tony blinked, gaping at the soldier.

“I have a _what?”_

“A son. He’s four. His name is Peter, and-”

“No.”

This time it was Steve’s turn to blink in confusion. “Pardon?”

“No, no, no way in hell. You’re _lying_. There’s no way I have a kid, I don’t want them. _Ever.”_

The soldier stared at him. “T... Tony, I’m not lying. You have a son.”

The teen glared at him. “Listen, Captain, I can accept that future me might do something crazy like build a flying suit of armor, but I know myself well enough to know that I won’t ever have any kids.”

“Tony, you _have_ a son. A son that you love very much.”

Tony’s glare became even angrier. “Read my lips, Soldier Boy. I. Don’t. Want. Any. Children. _EVER!”_

“S... Steeb?”

Steve froze, slowly turning towards the elevator. Peter was standing next to Pepper, his eyes wide and fearful.

“O-Oh, Peter...”

Suddenly, the little boy glanced over at Tony, gasping when he saw the faint glow of the arc reactor.

“D... Daddy?” Peter asked in a barely audible voice, his eyes filling with tears.

“P... Peter, honey, wait-!”

The little boy burst into tears, pushing past Pepper and running over to the stairs.

“Peter!” Steve called uselessly. He turned, glaring at Tony.

“Nice.” He spat, storming over to the stairs and running after the boy.

* * *

Steve sighed as he knocked on Peter’s door.

“Peter, sweetie, are you in there?”

“Go way!” The boy yelled from inside, his voice making it obvious that he was crying.

“Peter, hon, I know that you’re upset right now, but if you let me in, I can explain this to you.”

“There’s nothin’ to ‘splain! Daddy doesn’t wan’ me no more, that’s all there is to it!”

“Sweetheart, you _know_ that’s not true. Please?”

“No! Go way!”

Steve frowned, folding his arms.

“Peter Parker,” He started in his best ‘Captain America’ voice, “Either you open this door, or I go get Natasha and have her pick the lock.”

This, of course, was a bluff- in her current state, Natasha would probably just tease him about how un-Captainly such an action was.

But Peter didn’t need to know that.

For a moment, all was silent. Steve was just starting to worry that the kid was going to call him on his bluff when the door opened, revealing the puffy-eyed, red-faced little boy that inhabited it.

“Oh, Peter...” Steve cooed as he scooped the boy up in his arms, cradling him gently.

“W... Why doesn’t Daddy wan’ me no more, Steeb? Did I do somethin’ bad?”

“No, baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your dad’s just... earlier today, a bad lady came by the house, and she... do you remember that movie, _Beauty and the Beast?”_

“Yeah.”

“She’s kind of like the lady that turned Belle’s prince into the Beast. Anyway, she took Clint’s voice and Bruce’s feelings, made Natasha all... _giggly_ , turned Thor into a toad-”

“Like in the story? Is a princess gonna kiss Thor, Steeb?”

Steve laughed as he sat down on Peter’s bed, the boy still in his arms. “I dunno, buddy. I think Thor would rather be kissed by Dr. Foster.”

“I think that’ll work, as long as they love each other.”

“Me too, bud. Anyway, Thor’s a toad, and your father, he’s... she turned him into his fourteen-year-old self. He doesn’t _remember_ that he has you, or how much he loves you. He doesn’t remember anything from the past thirty years.”

“So he doesn’t wan’ me to go way?”

“No, baby. In fact, I bet the minute we get him back to normal, he’s gonna give you a big ‘ol hug and a kiss.”

“Will the Tickle Monster come out?”

“That depends. Do you _want_ the Tickle Monster to come out?”

“... Maybe.”

Steve laughed. “Well, then _maybe_ the Tickle Monster will come out. But I promise, we’re gonna fix this. As soon as we figure this out, you’ll have your daddy back.”

“Cross your heart?”

The soldier smiled, pressing a kiss into the boy’s hair.

“Cross my heart.”

Peter sighed, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck.

“Love you, Steeb.”

For a moment, Steve’s heart stopped, the soldier’s mind going blank for a moment before a warm feeling blossomed in his chest.

“Love you too, Peter.”

Suddenly, someone cleared their throat, causing Steve to break away from the embrace and look at the doorway.

Tony ran his hands through his hair, looking at the floor as he hovered in the doorway.

“H... Hey.” He managed, glancing over at Steve and Peter.

“Hey.” Steve replied, ruffling Peter’s hair as he set him down on the bed.

The teen swallowed hard. “C... Can... Can I talk to the k- um, Peter? Alone, if possible?”

The soldier glanced over at the boy. “Peter?”

The child hesitated for a moment, squeezing Bucky tightly before looking up at Steve and nodding.

“Okay.”

Steve smiled, pressing a quick kiss to the boy’s forehead before standing up.

“All yours, Stark.”

As they brushed past, Steve grabbed Tony’s arm.

“Make him cry again, and we’re gonna have a problem.”

“Thought he was _my_ kid?”

“You don’t get to make your kid cry. _You_ of all people should know that.”

Tony swallowed hard, looking at the ground shamefully.

“Y... Yeah. Yeah, I do. Sorry.”

Steve sighed. “Just... be careful, okay? He’s lost a lot of people already, I don’t think he could stand to lose anymore.”

With that, Steve left the room, making a mental note to check up on them in ten or so minutes if they didn’t come back to the common room.

* * *

Tony was in way over his head, and really hating his future self at the moment.

A kid. A _freaking_ kid. A little person that depended on him for everything, and could wind up needing a lot of therapy if he fucked up.

He’d sworn to himself he’d never have kids.

He wouldn’t let himself turn into Howard.

And yet, here was this little boy, this Peter Parker, who was staring at him with both love and fear in his eyes.

“... So. You’re my kid.”

“Uh-huh.” The boy replied, squeezing a strangely familiar-looking bear tightly. “Two months now.”

“I adopted you?”

“Yup.”

“Huh.”

There was a pause in the conversation, neither appearing to know where to go from there.

Tony sighed. “Look... Peter, I... I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but... I didn’t have a very good father. He was absent, and cold, and always, _always_ on about Captain America. I’m not sure he even remembered I _existed_ half the time.”

“I know.”

Tony blinked. “You... You do?”

“Yeah. You told me ‘bout Mr. Howard when you asked me if I wanted you to be my new daddy.”

“R... Really? And... What else did I say?”

“Um...” The boy pushed up on his glasses. “You said that you didn’t know if you could be a good daddy, ‘cause you didn’t really have a good daddy to learn from.”

Suddenly, Peter smiled at him. “But I think you’re doin’ a pretty good job so far.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. You take me to the park an’ to museums an’ the library, an’ help me build robots, an’ hold me when I have bad dreams, an’ give me kisses, an’ let me play with Harry even though you don’t like Mr. Osborn, an’...” He smiled. “I really like livin’ here with you, Daddy.”

Tony felt like his heart had stopped for a second, which, considering what the machine in his chest did, wasn’t a very good thing.

“I, uh...”

“It’s... it’s okay if I still call you Daddy, right? I can call you Tony if you wan’.”

“N... No, it’s... it’s fine. Daddy is fine.”

Which was a lie. ‘Daddy’ was _totally_ not fine, and Tony was on the verge of a rather undignified freak out, but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt this poor kid anymore than he already had.

So Daddy it was.

Peter smiled up at him. “‘kay. I’m glad.”

Tony’s heart skipped a beat again. Man, this kid was _cute_ , like, _illegal_ levels of cute.

He was starting to see why his future self had gone back on the whole “never having kids _ever_ on pain of death” thing.

“So... now what?”

Peter shrugged. “I dunno. What do you wanna do?”

Tony paused, his lips spreading into a grin.

“I’ve got an idea.” He started, getting up off of Peter’s bed. “Say, you know if we’ve got a piano around here?”

* * *

Steve frowned, confused by the barely audible melody he heard as he walked up the stairs to Tony and Peter’s floor.

He’d been expecting... well, to be honest, the soldier wasn’t quite sure _what_ he was expecting, but music wasn’t it.

“ _... nine o’clock on a Saturday, regular crowd shuffles in..._ ”

Steve’s ears perked up at the singing, which was accompanied by the sound of Peter giggling. The soldier followed the melody, walking down the hall until he reached the door just before the hall curved left.

“ _... Sing us the song, you’re the piano man, sing us the song tonight! Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody, and you’ve got us feelin’ alright..._ ”

Steve’s eyes widened as he opened the door, his lips curving into a smile when he saw Tony playing the piano, Peter sitting in his lap. It was a sweet sight, especially considering how badly Tony had reacted to finding out about Peter.

It seemed that Tony couldn’t help but love Peter, no matter what the circumstances.

Steve leaned against the doorway, watching until the song ended. He started clapping, startling both Tony and Peter.

“Bravo, Stark. Didn’t know you could play the piano.”

“I, uh, yeah, I... my mom made me learn how to play when I was like six.” Tony mumbled, his cheeks turning bright red again.

“Daddy, why’re you turnin’ red?”

“Shh! Don’t draw attention to it, squirt!”

Steve laughed.

* * *

“Tony... hey, Tony, wake up...”

The teen groaned. “Go ‘way, Rhodey, I wanna sleep...”

He heard muffled laughter. “I’m not Rhodey, Tony, and you can’t sleep on the couch.”

Slowly, Tony opened his eyes, feeling himself turn red when he found himself staring into Steve’s blue eyes.

“O-Oh, um, hi... What time is it?”

“Around midnight.” Steve shifted his arms around, and Tony realized that he was holding Peter. “You and the little guy must have passed out sometime during _Hercules._ ”

Tony yawned. “Oh, right, he was... he was pretty determined to get me to watch all those movies.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not the first time you two have fallen asleep on the couch while watching movies.”

“It isn’t?”

“Nope. Didn’t have the heart to wake you up the first time. Of course, then you complained about your back the next day, so I’ve made sure to check on you since then.”

Tony rolled his eyes, stretching out over the couch. “Don’t know if you’ve noticed, Cap, but I’m not physically forty-four at the moment. I think I can handle sleeping on the couch.”

“Tony. Super soldier. If I have to, I will toss you over my shoulder and carry you into your bedroom.”

The teen glared at the soldier. “Fine, then, Captain Tightpants, I’ll sleep in my bed like a boring person.”

“You mean like a _normal_ person.”

“Eh, same diff.”

Steve rolled his eyes, walking over towards the elevator. “Goodnight, Tony. And go to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah, goodnight.”

Once Steve was gone, the teen sat up, stretching his back.

“... Hey, uh, Jarvis?”

“ _Yes, sir?_ ”

“Do... Do I have, like, a workshop or a lab or something?”

“ _You have a workshop in the basement, yes._ ”

“Cool, cool.” He paused. “And... the elevator goes down there, right?”

“ _Of course, sir._ ”

“Cool.” He stood up. “Oh, and if you tell Steve where I am, I’ll sell you to Harvard.”

“ _Sounding more and more like your old self already, sir._ ”

* * *

Tony marveled at the armor before him.

Really, he was marvelling at everything in the workshop. Even the weird little robot that seemed to be following him around.

“Wow... I made all _this?”_

“ _Yes, sir, much to the continued frustration of Miss Potts. She worries about your sleeping habits_.”

“Eh, I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Tony leaned in, inspecting one of the armors carefully. “This is all kinda amazing. I mean, _man_ , I think I may have outdone How-!”

The teen froze, swallowing hard when he realized what he was about to say.

“ _Sir?_ ”

Tony cleared his throat. “I’m... I’m fine. You know how to get this thing to open?”

“ _I’m not sure that’s a good idea, sir. You can’t even drive yet._ ”

“I live in New York, I don’t need to drive.”

“ _Very well, sir._ ”

The armor hissed as it opened up, making Tony grin.

“Thank you Jarvis.”

“ _Your wish is my command... sir. Will that be all?_ ”

Tony paused for a moment. “A... Actually... there’s something I’d like you to find for me, if possible.”

“ _Of course, sir. How may I assist you?_ ”

“Well... there’s an audio file I’d like to hear. Specifically, the one that your voice pattern is based on.”

“ _Easy enough, sir. One moment._ ”

There was silence for a moment, then a short, shrill beep.

“ _You’ve reached the phone of Edwin Jarvis. Leave a message after the beep. And sir, if you’ve been thrown in jail again, know that it would have been better to call your lawyer rather than myself._ ”

Tony was torn between laughing and crying, and in the end he did both.

His future self was more of a sentimental old man than he’d thought.

****  
  


 

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally planned to have Stephen Strange in this chapter.  
> It didn't happen.  
> Some notes:  
> In the MCU, Tony's birthday is listed as April 26th, 1970 (yes, there was a purpose to the day of Howard and Maria's deaths). Also, for the purposes of this fic, Peter's birthday is April 14th, 2010.  
> In related news, I'm thinking of making a series of oneshots related to this fic, like Tony making Jarvis, Clint and Nat getting together, Tony telling Rhodey he wants to adopt Peter ("The sock, Rhodey. Look at it, it's tiny and adorable and it has wittle spiders on it!" "You're an idiot."), just bits and pieces I can't fit into the story itself.


	7. Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane is confused, but that's normal for her. Steve is apparently worthy. Stephen wishes that curse escape clauses were more creative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I don't actually have a headcanon actor for Stephen Strange. I just kinda imagine him looking like his comicbook self but with darker skin.  
> Oh, wait, I think that's Doctor Orpheus. No more Venture Bros for me.

Jane was confused.

This was actually nothing new. ‘Confused’ had pretty much been her default state since the night she hit a god with her car, followed by said god being tasered by her assistant.

Still.

She _had_ been expecting a tall, muscular blonde man who was a _lot_ older than he looked to pick her and Darcy up at the airport.

However, the man she was thinking of had much longer hair and happened to be the God of Thunder.

_Not_ Captain America.

“Uh... hello?” She started cautiously, trying to keep her tone level.

“Ah, um, you’re Dr. Foster?”

“I am. You’re... Captain America?”

He grinned at her. “That I am. Sorry, I know that you were expecting Thor to come get you, and he wanted to, really, but... something came up.”

“What do you mean?” Jane asked, aware of the concern that leaked into her voice. “Is everything okay?”

“He’s okay... ish.”

She crossed her arms, giving the captain her best imitation of Darcy’s “you better not bullshit me right now” look. “What do you mean, ‘ish’?”

“Well-!”

“Jane!” Darcy shouted as she ran over, her intern/ boyfriend (Ian, Jane reminded herself) struggling to carry her numerous bags behind her. “Janie, don’t run off like that! Just ‘cause you haven’t gotten laid in a month-!”

_“Darcy!”_  Jane squeaked, her face turning bright red.

“What? I’m guessing Thor hasn’t gotten laid in a month eith... er... Oh.” Darcy trailed off as she looked over at Steve. “You know, on closer inspection, that is _not_ Thor.”

“Ya _think?!”_

Darcy grinned. “Hey. I’m Darcy, I tasered Thor.” She jerked a thumb to point at Ian. “This is Ian the Intern. He’s my dude.”

“Your... dude?”

“She means boyfriend.” Ian explained, shifting Darcy’s suitcases around.

“Ah.” Steve moved forward, taking a couple bags from the other man. “Here, let me help you with that.”

“Ah, no, I’ve got-!”

“Ian. I know you’re British and all, but that’s _Captain fucking America_. When he offers you help, you damn well take it.”

“... Okay, then. Thank you, Captain America.”

“I prefer Steve when I’m in civilian clothes, Ian.”

Ian smiled. “Alright, then, Steve.”

Steve grinned. “Now, then, if you’ll just come with me...”

* * *

“So, where’s Mr. Hammertime?” Darcy asked as she fiddled around with the radio in Steve’s car (which was technically one of Tony’s many, many cars that the soldier was just borrowing, but they didn’t need to know that).

“Hm? Oh, you mean Thor? I imagine he’s back at the Tower.” _In the little terrarium Tony set up for him._

Jane cleared her throat and brushed a lock of blondish-brown hair out of her eyes. “Has... has he, um, been doing well?”

“I’d imagine you’d know, he does call you everyday.” Steve answered dryly as he pulled up to the stoplight. “It’s kinda funny, actually- I never thought an Asgardian could look so much like a golden retriever.”

A small smile appeared on Jane’s face. “Really?”

“Oh, yeah. I think he said that he considers himself lucky to ‘have your favor’ or something like that.”

“My... favor...?”

“Thor loves Janie!” Darcy teased in a singsong voice.

“Darcy, please! He’s not even _here!”_

“It’s making _you_ blush, isn’t it?”

_“Darcy!”_

Steve chuckled. They’d fit right in with the crazy people who made up the Avengers.

* * *

“Duuuuuddeeee...” Darcy breathed as she looked out the window on the communal floor. “You can see, like, all of New York from here!”

“Darcy, don’t fog up the glass.”

“Aw, come on, boss, Stark’s richer than Richie Rich, he can pay for a window cleaner!”

“Actually, I think there’s a robot that does that.” Steve said as he set his share of Darcy’s luggage down next to the couch.

“Whoa, seriously? Where? Does it look like that cute little cleaner-bot from that Pixar movie?”

Steve chuckled. “Yes, in storage, and I’m fairly sure Tony based the design upon the Pixar robot.”

Darcy grinned hugely. “Ian, come fog up the glass with me, I wanna see the robot!”

“Uh, Darcy, I think I’ve told you this, but I’m afraid of heights.”

“Ooh, better! If you throw up, the robot will definitely come out!”

“Darcy, don’t be mean to him.”

The woman pouted. “You’re no fun, boss.”

“ _Someone_ needs to be serious in this relationship.”

“Haven’t you ever heard that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?”

“I play!”

“Well, yeah, I live with you, boss, I can _hear_ you and Thor when you’re-!”

_“Darcy!”_

“What? We live in a tiny apartment! The walls are _thin,_ Jane. I had to buy the biggest, most sound-blocking-iest pair of headphones I could find for under fifty pounds.”

“I paid for them.” Ian mentioned.

“Which is why I set a cap at fifty pounds.”

Jane covered her face with her hands.

“I am _so_ sorry about her.”

Steve chuckled. “It’s alright, really. Trust me, she’s nothing compared to Clint.” _You know, when he can talk._

“I... I know, it’s just...”

The soldier arched an eyebrow. “It’s just what?”

“Well, I, um...”

“Oh, for the love of- She’s trying to say that she doesn’t want to offend your delicate forties-style sensibilities!”

“Darcy, oh my _god!”_

“See, this is why you need me, Janie. To say what you actually mean but are too polite to say!”

Steve rolled his eyes. “You know, we _did_ have sex in the forties.” _I mean, I_ personally _wasn’t having any, but sex was a thing that happened back then, it’s not a new invention! “_ I mean, we made your parents, didn’t we?”

The room was silent for a moment, then Darcy and Ian burst out laughing. Even Jane giggled a little.

“Oh, wow, totally wasn’t expecting _that_ to come out of Captain America’s mouth!”

“Hey, I’m old, not old-fashioned.”

Okay, he was a _little_ old-fashioned- he prefered a canvas to digital art, no matter what Tony said- but they didn’t need to know that.

Jane smiled up at him. “Sorry if I offended you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve kinda grown a thick skin about it.”

She sighed. “A... Anyway... this is changing the subject, but can you tell me where Thor is?”

Steve frowned, swallowing nervously. “Er... are you sure you wanna do that right now?”

Her smile became tight, and suddenly Steve was reminded of the regular Natasha.

“Captain,” She began slowly, “I have been on a plane for _eight. Hours_. I accidentally set off the metal detector with the metal underwire in my bra and got a full-body pat down. The flight was delayed for _three hours_. I sat in front of a rowdy three-year-old who kicked the seat constantly and screamed for almost an hour straight. Meanwhile, the person next to me snored so loud that I couldn’t hear myself _think_ , let alone get a wink of sleep. I had to go through customs _twice_ because of a miscommunication between TSA agents. And I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a _month._ I. Want. Thor.”

The soldier swallowed hard. _No wonder Thor likes her so much._

“Y... Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

When Steve saw what was happening in Tony’s lab, he was almost tempted to turn around and walk right back out, Thor’s tiny scary girlfriend be damned.

“Tony,” He started slowly. “What are you doing?”

_“Uh... Using the armor?”_ The teen answered nervously.

“Uh-huh.” Steve crossed his arms. “And what did I tell you specifically not to do before I left for the airport?”

_“... Raise the dead?”_

“No, but don’t do that, either. The last thing we need is a zombie apocalypse. Now, what did I really tell you not to do?”

_“... I’ll take ‘Not Use the Armor’ for three hundred, Alex.”_

The soldier rolled his eyes. “Tony. On the ground.”

The teen did a flip in mid-air.

_“Aw, come on, Cap, I really think I’m getting the hang of it!”_ Tony said, clicking his heels together.

Before Steve could respond to that, the armor let out a loud whir.

_“... Uh-oh.”_ Tony managed to get out before the repulsors on his feet blasted him towards the ceiling. He screamed right up until he crashed into the ceiling, though thankfully he didn’t go through.

“You okay, Daddy?” Peter called.

_“... ‘m good... how was my time?”_

“Um...” Peter pushed up his glasses, looking at a stopwatch. “Five minutes an’ thirty-two seconds!”

_“Sweet, new record!”_

“Steve, why is Iron Man on the ceiling? And why does he sound pubescent?”

“Well, you see, Miss Darcy, your good friend Thor has a lot of enemies. Enemies with powerful magic.”

The woman frowned, turning to Jane. “I thought you said Thor’s supervillain brother died.”

“He did.” Jane turned to look at Steve. “He _did,_ didn’t he?”

“As far as we know, anyway. No, this is a different magic user. Ex-girlfriend.”

“O-Oh.” The scientist said, sounding a bit surprised. “I... I didn’t realize Thor... nevermind. Where is he?”

Steve rubbed the back of his head anxiously. “Er... well...”

_“Hang on, you didn’t tell her?”_ Tony asked as he floated down to the ground.

“It didn’t exactly come up in conversation!”

Tony sighed as he stepped out of the armor. “Dangit, Steve, we all agreed that you were gonna tell her before she got here so we could avoid a potential freakout!”

“It’s not exactly something you can just _say!”_

“That’s why you work up to it!”

“Boys, boys, boys, enough, you’re both pretty!” Darcy finally yelled. “Now, if we can just get back to Thor and where the hell he is, I’m sure everything will be fine and why is that frog with blonde hair trying to climb out of its terrarium?”

The shift between her rant and the question was so seamless that it actually took a minute for both Steve and Tony to process it.

“Thor!” Tony yelled without thinking, running over to the little tank and scooping the god-turned-toad into his hands. “Dangit, man, I told you, stay in your terrarium! You’re tiny and there’s a lot of stuff that could smash you into a gross mess of frog guts!”

“Ewww!” Peter commented, making a face.

“See? Squirt agrees with me!”

“First of all, Anthony, I. Am. A. _Toad.”_

“Eh, same difference.”

“No, not at all the same! Toads do not-!”

“T... Thor?”

The Asgardian froze, suddenly appearing a bit ashamed, or as ashamed as a toad could look, anyway.

“... Hello, Jane.”

The scientist practically sprinted over to them, taking her boyfriend out of Tony’s hands gently.

“Thor, what happened? Why... why are you a toad?”

The god seemed to brighten at the fact that she got his species right. “The Enchantress- whom, by the way, I have _never_ had romantic or even _fond_ feelings for- is a rather vengeful woman. She asked me to return to Asgard with her, I refused, she got angry and turned me into a toad, and did several other unpleasant things to my teammates.” He looked over at Tony. “Exhibit A.”

“That’s... what?”

“Yeah, I thought it was pretty weird too.” Tony agreed. “Of course, I’m pretty much out of my element entirely here, seeing as I’m fourteen when I’m supposed to be forty-four. On the upside, _robots._ Like that one, over there.”

He pointed to a strangely colorful android near one of the benches.

“Ooh, cool!” Darcy remarked as she ran over to it. “What does it do?”

“I have _no_ idea!” Tony replied as he joined her. “Seriously, no clue, apparently I use a lot of shorthand in my designs and notes and stuff. Apparently I also have no sense of color coordination, I mean, green and red, really? Am I making a Christmas themed robot?”

“They’re kinda garish, too.”

“Agreed. Although, I did find this design for this _awesome_ cape, it’s all _billowy_ and stuff-!”

“Tony.” Steve interrupted sternly. “Now is not the time to talk about robots.

“No, see, Cap, that’s where you’re wrong. There is _never_ a bad time to talk about robots.”

“Agreed.”

“See? She agrees with me!” Tony paused, turning to look at the woman. “What’s your name, by the way?”

“Darcy.”

“Cool. Tony.”

“I know.”

_“Tony.”_ Steve interrupted again, even more irritated than before. “Not. Now.”

The teen turned to the captain, glaring. “As childish as this may sound, you _aren’t,_ in fact, the boss of me. If I wanna talk about robots, I’ll talk about robots.”

Steve folded his arms. “You’re right, that does sound childish, and you should probably think about what that attitude says about you.”

“Uh, that I’m an extremely bitter teenager who doesn’t like authority? Newsflash, Captain, I _know_ I’m a stinker. And I don’t really care.”

“You should, what kind of example are you setting for Peter?”

“The kid’s _my_ son, and if the things I’ve read about myself are any indication, then he’s gonna have to grow a thick skin sooner or later!”

“Would you two cease this incessant bickering? We have larger problems than Anthony’s attitude!”

“Oh, can it, Frog-face, this whole mess is your fault anyway!”

“For the last time, I. Am. A. TOAD! And you should take care how you speak to me, for even in this form I am still the Son of Odin!”

“Oh, good for you, you’re a literal god. You’re still an amphibian who’s likely to get stepped on!”

Thor all but growled at the teen. “I swear, if you were not but a child and I was back to my normal form-!”

“Swear all you like, Mr. Toad, it’s not really all that intimidating.”

“Tony, Thor, that’s enough. Bickering isn’t going to solve any of our problems-!”

“Big talk coming from the guy who was calling me immature not even a minute ago!”

“You were _being_ immature!” Steve grimaced. “What’s your problem with me, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I think it all started the day I was _born_ and my dad was disappointed because I wasn’t _you!”_

“Wh- Look, Tony, I know that Howard was a horrible father, probably a horrible person in general long after I knew him, but you can’t honestly blame me for something he did!”

Tony glared at him. “Jarvis, instruct one of the bots to put the noise-cancelling headphones on Peter, I’m going to say a whole bunch of _rude_ things to the good captain.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

“Jarbis-!” Peter started to protest as one of Tony’s many robots slipped the headphones on the boy.

Before Steve could start chastising Tony for that, the teen jabbed a finger into his chest.

“Fuck. You. Old. Man. Where do you get off trying to weasel your way out of the blame, huh? My dad spent my _entire life_ looking for you, ignoring me and my mom! You know that he didn’t even care when my mom had a miscarriage? I spent my sixth birthday in the hospital, not knowing whether I’d have a mother the next day!”

Steve’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? Your... your mother... I didn’t-”

“Oh, you didn’t know? Well, you can thank dear old dad for that one; he cared just e-fucking-nough to keep the press in the dark! You know where he was when the doctor called him? The _Arctic_. Looking for _you.”_

“Tony, I didn’t _ask_ Howard to look for me!”

“Yeah, and I didn’t fucking ask to be compared to a frozen guy for my whole life, but here we are!”

“You honestly can’t blame me for-!”

“I _hate_ you, and I can so blame you-!”

The two of them started yelling louder and louder, each trying to speak over the other. Thor started shouting as well, trying to get them to calm down, but only served to make it worse as they started to yell at him as well.

“SHUT IT!” Jane finally bellowed in a shrill voice, startling everyone in the room (except for Peter, who was still wearing headphones). Slowly, they all turned to her with a shocked expression, making Jane blush down to the tips of her toes.

“U-Uh... sorry, that was... that was a lot louder than I thought it would be.” The scientist muttered, brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes.

“Dude, that was _awesome!”_ Darcy exclaimed, running over to Jane. “Man, you could _totally_ turn that into a superpower!”

“I... I think that there’s already a fictional character with that power.”

“Boss, your boyfriend is a literal god, no copyright can stop you!”

Jane sighed, turning to Thor, who was looking at her with adoration.

“Thor, do you know how to fix this? I mean, you’re cute as a toad and all, but I kinda prefer you when you’re _not_ all... toad-y.”

The Asgardian sighed. “I’m afraid not, my love. Were it Loki that cast this spell, then I would assume it would wear off in a week. However, Lady Amora prefers to cast weaker curses that can only be broken one way, and I do not know what breaking this particular curse will entail.”

“So, you’ve got no idea how to reverse her magic?”

“Ooh! Jane, Jane, what about that guy?”

“... What guy?”

“You know, the guy! Salt-and-pepper hair, talks all weird, likes capes, you worked with him when you were trying to get Thor back before we moved to London? He had a weird last name, if I remember right?”

“Wait, you mean Stephen?”

“Yeah, him! He’s the Sorcerer something-or-other, right?”

“No!” Tony yelled. “Nuh-uh, no way, no more magic! Magic got us into this mess, and I don’t have any interest in joining Thor in toad-dom!”

“Dude, you’re fourteen, you don’t have a say.”

“Darcy! I thought you were cool!”

Darcy jabbed her finger in Jane’s direction. “Tones, she hasn’t gotten laid in a month. She’s all cranky and uptight. The sooner Thor’s back to normal, the better.”

_“Darcy!”_

“What? You are!”

Jane groaned. “Why do I bring you places?”

“Because you loooooovvveeee me!”

“‘Love’ is a strong word...” Jane muttered.

“Jane.” Thor said softly. “Do you believe that this ‘Stephen’ can help us?”

“Well, I got as close to finding you as I ever did when we were working together. It certainly can’t hurt.”

“Then I believe it is in our best interests to contact him.”

Jane smiled. “Alright, I’ll call him. But first I need either a long nap, or a bottle of tequila as big as I am.”

* * *

Rhodey was used to weird. Weird was pretty much his life nowadays, thanks to one Tony Stark.

But sharing an elevator with a man in a cape?

New level of weird.

Luckily for him, Cape-Guy didn’t seem too keen on talking.

However, he did seem to be going to the same floor as Rhodey.

Which was also weird.

Tony owed him one _hell_ of an explanation.

_“Hello, Lt. Colonel Rhodes. It is good to see you again.”_

The soldier smiled. “Good to see you too, Jarvis. Er, well, not _see_ you, but... you get what I mean, right?”

_“I do, sir. And you must be Doctor Strange, correct?”_

“That I am.” The other man answered, speaking for the first time since he’d gotten in the elevator with Rhodey. “I was told that Dr. Foster required my assistance?”

_“Yes, Dr. Strange. She and the others should be up right about...”_ The elevator dinged behind them. _“Now.”_

“RHOOODDEEEYYYYY!”

The soldier barely had time to turn around before he was tackled by an extremely excited teenager.

“The hell-?!” Rhodey blinked, not quite believing his eyes. “T... Tony?”

“Yep! _Man,_ you got old.”

“Excuse me?”

“Hm.” Strange muttered. “It seems that Dr. Foster was not mistaken, then.”

“What, you think I’d lie to you, Stephen?” Dr. Foster said in a teasing tone as she walked out of the elevator, a toad in her hands. “And I think I told you to call me Jane.”

“No, Jane, I didn’t believe that you’d lied to me. When you are in my line of work, you learn to take every claim of magic with a grain of salt.”

“What took ya so long, Stephen? Did you take the bus or something?” Darcy asked as she followed Jane into the living room.

“I drove here.”

“Like a common _muggle?_ Can’t you apparate?”

“Yes, but that is a misuse of my powers, Miss Lewis.”

Darcy pouted. “You’re such a bore.”

Strange rolled his eyes, then frowned, arching an eyebrow at the sight of the toad in Jane’s hands.

“Jane, why are you holding a toad?”

“Oh!” Jane lifted the strangely-blonde haired toad up a bit. “Stephen, this is Thor.”

“... As in, the God of Thunder?”

“Yes.”

“... Are you quite sure?”

Thor let out a rather angry-sounded ribbit. “I am fairly certain of my own name, Sorcerer!”

“Ah. So, you are a victim of magic as well, then?”

“Sadly.”

“Hm.” Strange straightened, turning to Steve. “Has anyone else been affected?”

“Yeah, Bruce, Clint, and Natasha.”

“I see. Round them up for me, would you? I can see what their curses are, and perhaps find a way to break them.”

“Can do.”

“Wait a moment, where are my clothes? And Mjolnir?” Thor asked, glancing at the spot he had been standing in.

“Oh, those? I put them in your room.” Steve answered.

“And Mjolnir?”

“In your room.”

Thor gaped at Steve incredulously. “You... moved Mjolnir?”

“Y... Yes? I’ve done it before, you kinda have a habit of leaving it where someone could trip over it. Like Peter, for example, or Tony when he’s in coffee-zombie mode.”

“I do _not_ have a coffee-zombie mode!”

“Not yet anyway.”

He turned back to Thor, only to find that the toad, Jane, and Darcy were all staring at him.

“What?”

* * *

_“Learn to be silent, mortal!”_

Clint cringed as Amora’s voice echoed around him, looking almost afraid.

“That is all I need.” Stephen told him, letting his magic subside. He turned to Natasha, lifting his hand again.

_“You are so bitter for such a lovely girl, so serious and angry. You should learn to laugh more!”_

Natasha giggled, and even Stephen looked a little creeped out at that.

“M... Moving on.”

Next, Bruce.

_“Monster! That temper of yours is so unattractive- in fact, your emotions only serve to make you a beast! Let’s see how useful they find you when you cannot feel at all!”_

Thor.

_“You wish to be with these mortals, you idiotic, arrogant toad? Fine! Then be a toad, for all I care!”_

Finally, Tony.

_“You’re one to talk, mortal. Always hanging over the captain, fawning over him like an infatuated schoolboy! How dare you call me childish?! If anyone’s a child here, it’s you!”_

Tony blushed to the roots of his hair. “Hate my future self _so_ much right now.”

_“Let it never be said that I’m unfair. I will allow you a way to break these curses. True Love’s Kiss. If your Jane loves you so, Thor, then you will have no trouble, will you? But when it turns out she doesn’t love you, well... you’ll have to come crawling back to me, won’t you?”_

Amora’s voice faded out, and Stephen sighed tiredly.

“True Love’s Kiss. How cliche.”

“What, exactly, does that mean?” Rhodey asked.

“It simply means that you must be kissed by someone who truly loves you. Honestly, can’t they be any more creative? This is the third ‘True Love’s Kiss’ in a week!”

“Clint, what are you- mmph!”

The archer had taken his girlfriend’s face in his hands, pulling her lips to his gently, softly. Natasha’s eyes fluttered closed, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Eugh.” Tony remarked, covering Peter’s eyes.

“Hey!”

“Sorry, kid, you’re not old enough for th-! HEY!’

“Oh, hush.” Steve teased, keeping the teen’s eyes covered.

The two finally pulled apart, staring at each other for a moment in silence.

“Did it work?”

“I dunno-!” Clint paused, then grinned. “Yes, yes it did.”

Natasha cracked a small smile, leaning up and pressing her lips to Clint’s again.

Steve cleared his throat loudly. “Still here, guys.”

They broke apart, Clint turning brick red while even Natasha blushed a bit.

Thor chuckled, then turned around, facing Jane.

“Well?”

Jane gave him a smile that seemed a bit forced.

“Ready if you are.”

Thor smiled, then closed his eyes, leaning towards her. The scientist swallowed hard, puckering her lips as she brought the toad closer to her. Just before their lips touched, though, Jane cracked an eye open.

“EUGH!” She bellowed, jerking back so quickly that she accidently dropped Thor. The scientist dove for him, grabbing him just before he hit the floor.

“Sorry! Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry, it’s just... you’re a _toad_ , and- and it’s just _really_ weird, I’m sorry-!”

Thor chuckled. “It is alright, Jane. I understand. I was not exactly pleased when I looked into a mirror.”

Jane allowed herself a small smile. “I just... can... can I maybe have a little while to adjust?”

“Of course, my love.”

She sighed. “Thank you, Thor.”

Steve smiled. He never would have thought of Thor as being gentle, but after seeing him with Peter and now Jane, it was now pretty much cemented in his mind.

It was really nice, actually.

* * *

Around eight o’clock, there was a knock at Steve’s door.

“It’s open!” He called, figuring that it was just Peter coming in to say goodnight.

The doors hissed open, and Steve looked up, surprised to see Tony lurking just beyond the doorway.

“... Hey.”

“Hey.” Steve replied, standing up. “Something I can help you with?”

Tony flushed, turning his attention to the ground and mumbling something.

“I don’t speak mumble, Tony.”

“I’m _sorry,_ okay?!” Tony blurted out, his hands balled up into fists. “I’m sorry I was such a dick to you earlier, a-about Howard and... I’m sorry!”

Steve blinked. “Tony-?”

“A-And I _know_ it’s not your fault that he ignored me, or that he ignored Mom, or- or anything, I just- I’ve been living in your shadow all my life, and _god_ , you’re just as perfect as I thought you’d be, and- I don’t hate you, alright? I just hate how my dad put you on a pedestal, and you live up to it-!”

“Tony!” Steve finally managed to interrupt, grabbing the teen’s shoulders gently. “Tony, it’s okay. I’m sorry too. You’re right, I was treating you like a child, and you’re not.”

“... Kinda am. Can’t drive.”

Steve laughed. “Well, okay, technically you aren’t, but you’re not immature. Believe me, I’ve seen the videos from before the whole ‘Iron Man’ thing.”

“I tried to watch them. Pepper apparently set up parental controls on my computer.”

The soldier laughed. “Yeah, probably for the best.” He smiled at Tony, ruffling the teen’s hair. “Trust me, Tony, I’m not mad at you. If I could, I’d go back in time and punch Howard in the face.”

“Could I come and watch? Might help with some of the daddy issues.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Tell ya what. You invent the machine, you can come along.”

“Deal.”

They were silent for a moment.

“Well... goodnight, I guess.”

“Y... Yeah.” Tony turned towards the door. “Night.”

The teen got as far as the doorway before stopping and lingering.

“... Arno.”

Steve paused. “Pardon?”

“Arno. That... that’s what they were going to name him.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “O... Oh.”

“Yeah. I was really excited to have a little brother, too.”

“Sorry.”

“Nothing for you to be sorry for.” He turned, flashing Steve a clearly forced grin. “Besides, one less kid for Howard to ignore, right?”

The soldier swallowed hard. “T... Tony-!”

Before he could say anything else, the teen was gone.

Steve sighed.

_Wish I could punch Howard Stark in the face right about now._

__****  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should note that this fic's universe is only compliant with AoS up to the first season's finale. TEAM COULSON STICKS TOGETHER DAMMIT  
> And I'm definitely not taking Ant-Man (or quite a bit of Age of Ultron) into account. I WILL HAVE MY JANET VAN DYNE


	8. The Scientist and the Toad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puking scientists are not something Natasha has dealt with before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took longer than usual- it's been a bit of a busy week.

_“You wanna run that by me one more time?”_

Natasha sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone.

“Okay, okay. Thor’s mentally unhinged ex... something or other, who also happens to be some sort of magic user, came by the tower about two days ago. She asked Thor to return to Asgard with her, and when he said no, she lost it and destroyed part of the communal floor’s living room. She turned Thor into a toad, made Bruce about as emotionally diverse as a robot, turned Stark into his fourteen-year-old self- and by the way, he’s got the _biggest_ crush on Steve, it’s really cute- made me all... _giggly_ , and turned Clint into Ariel in the second half of _The Little Mermaid.”_

_“And I’m guessing that you two are better now?”_ Coulson asked, sounding unphased.

“Yep.”

_“Hm. By the way, I got a call from a Dr. Stephen Strange earlier. He told me just about the same story you’ve told me.”_

The spy froze. “O-Oh, really?”

_“Yes. Funny, though, he did say something about ‘True Love’s Kiss’. Something you’ve neglected to mention.”_

_Shit._ “Uh...”

_“Something you wanna tell me, Tasha?”_

“... How long have you known?” She asked with a sigh.

_“Budapest.”_

“Phil, Clint and I didn’t get together until _after_ SHIELD got shut down.”

_“I know. I figured out that there was something there in Budapest.”_

Natasha leaned against the wall. “That obvious, huh?”

_“If it makes you feel any better, you weren’t the one who I figured it out from. Clint didn’t leave your bedside the entire time, you know.”_

Despite herself, the spy smiled a little. Just like Clint to be such a sap.

_“By the way, how’s Dr. Foster doing?”_

“Well, I think the whole ‘my boyfriend is an amphibian’ thing freaks her out a bit, to be honest. She also bolted when she walked into the kitchen before dinner yesterday.”

_“Why?”_

“No clue, but when she smelled the steaks cooking she turned pretty green.”

_“Odd. Is she a vegetarian or something?”_

“Don’t think so, she ate her steak at dinner-!”

Just then, there was a crash.

“Jane, wait-!” The spy heard Thor call from the living room.

Jane dashed past Natasha, her face pale and her hand over her mouth as she bolted towards the nearest bathroom.

_“What was that?”_

“I... I think I’m gonna call have to call you back.”

* * *

Natasha had seen some truly odd things throughout her life. Coulson claimed that her near indifference to oddities was what made her such a great agent. She could look a ten foot fish-man right in the eye and take him down without even blinking.

However, even with that in mind, it still surprised her to come upon one Jane Foster emptying her stomach into a toilet the morning after she and her little helpers arrived at Avengers Tower.

“Stomach bug?” She asked, leaning against the doorframe.

Jane glanced up at her, smoothing her hair back. “N... No. Least I hope not.”

“Well, unless you actually found a bottle of tequila as big as you are, I doubt it was alcohol, seeing as Stark’s on the wagon.”

“Oh, really? Good for him.”

“Yeah. Don’t say anything about it, he thinks we don’t know.”

The other woman nodded, then turned pale, whirling around to dip her head back in the bowl as she vomited yet again.

“Ah, jeez, you’re gonna get it in your hair!” Natasha chastised, running over and kneeling down behind the scientist. She quickly gathered up the long locks, relieved when she saw that it was clean.

“Thank you...” Jane mumbled, resting her head on the toilet seat. “Also, I was kidding about the tequila.”

“What, you on the wagon too?”

“Nope.”

The spy frowned. “Not to change the subject, but if you’re not on the wagon, and you’re not sick, what brought this on?”

“... Thor told me he was gonna ask me to move in with him. Before the whole ‘toad’ thing.”

“Ah.” Natasha pulled her own ponytail loose, using the tie to hold Jane’s hair back. “So, stress vomiting, then?”

“No. Well, yes, partially, actually probably a lot of it, but...” The scientist grimaced, holding her stomach. “I’ve... been doing a lot of vomiting lately.”

The spy blinked, suddenly understanding exactly why Jane was getting so sick.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Have... have you told Thor yet?”

Jane groaned, turning around so that her head was in the toilet bowl again.

“How can I? With all the crap that’s going on right now, I don’t know how big of a deal this is.”

“Toad or no toad, I think a _baby_ is a pretty big deal.”

The scientist groaned again. “God. A _baby_. An _Asgardian_ baby. Have you seen how _big_ they are? I have. I’m gonna be _fat.”_

“I think Thor will love you even if you’re fat.”

“I know-!” Suddenly, she retched again. “... I need to call my mom and apologize for ever belittling morning sickness.” She paused for a moment. “Maybe I should do that in person.”

“Probably. You’re gonna have to tell him sooner or later, you know.”

“I know, but... god, how do you even bring that up? ‘Oh, hi, honey, I see you’re still a toad, oh, by the way, I’m pregnant with your demigod offspring!’ I don’t even know if Thor _likes_ kids!”

“Please, Thor _loves_ kids. And if Peter’s anything to go by, kids love him. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard an Asgardian play Optimus Prime.”

“Aww-!” Jane vomited again, which sort of sent a mixed message. She groaned. “I think... I think that’s the last of it.”

Natasha sighed, grabbing a towel and handing it to the scientist. “Here. Clean up.”

“Thank you.” Jane mumbled, wiping her mouth off.

“No problem. Now, are you gonna tell Thor or what?”

The other woman didn’t speak for a moment.

“It’s... it’s not just the baby. Thor’s... Thor’s a literal _god._ He’s basically immortal, and... well, I’m _me._ I’m human. I’m not gonna live forever, and... and what if this baby’s mortal too? What if Thor has to watch  both of us grow old and die? Or worse, what if the baby’s like Thor? They’ll have to watch me grow old while they stay the same!”

“Jane-!”

Jane curled up into a ball, tears in her eyes. “Not only that, but Thor’s a _prince_. A real-life Disney-style prince, who- who has a magic hammer and a freaking _rainbow bridge!_ I’m just... I do my work in my pajamas, and wear flannel, and I could probably live off of instant ramen if I wanted to, I did it for like a _year_ in college, and I’m _awkward_ and _short_ and-!”

“And Thor loves you. Jane, he loves you so much that even Clint can’t make fun of how dorky it is. He thinks you’re brilliant and funny and witty...”

Hesitantly, the spy placed her hand on Jane’s shoulder.

“He thinks you’re the most amazing woman in the nine realms, Jane. I’m sure he’ll be ecstatic about it.”

Jane looked up at her, her eyes watery and her lip trembling. Without warning, the scientist tackled Natasha in a hug, sobbing on the spy’s shoulder. Natasha’s first thought was to push her away, but she ultimately ignored that urge, instead choosing to pat Jane on the back awkwardly.

“Uh... there, there?” Natasha offered, wishing that Coulson was here. He was a lot better at this sort of thing than she was.

To her relief, Jane let out a little laugh that was more of a snort than anything. She sat up, wiping a few tears from her eyes.

“Sorry, I just... thanks. For reminding me.”

Natasha gave her a small smile, standing up and holding out her hand. “Just telling you the truth.”

“I know.” Jane replied, taking Natasha’s hand. She stood slowly, her legs shaking a bit. The spy helped her up, not letting go until she was sure that Jane was steady.

“You good?”

“Y... Yeah. I think... I think I’m gonna tell him.”

“... You should probably brush your teeth first.”

“Good point.”

* * *

“It’s not _that_ bad, Thor.”

The Asgardian-turned-amphibian glanced up at Steve, not moving from the rock his was moping on in his terrarium. Tony had set up a second one in the living room for him, saying that it was kinda awkward trying to work with the toad in his workshop.

“It is, Steven. Jane became _physically ill_ at the idea of living with me. What am I supposed to think about that?”

“Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with you. Maybe she just... has the flu, or something!” Tony tried. “Or... or she could have food poisoning!”

“I’m going with food poisoning, personally. Bruce ain’t that good a cook.” Clint remarked idly.

_“Tony. Clint.”_ Steve hissed at the teen before turning back to their increasingly-worried-looking friend. “I’m sure she’s not sick, Thor, just... maybe a little stressed out?”

“Because I am imposing on her.”

“No! No, no, I’m sure that’s not it, she-!”

“She feels we are moving too fast?”

“No- Well, _maybe_ , I mean, I’m not Jane, but-!”

Thor sighed. “Perhaps it is for the best. She has done some of her best work in England; I would not want to stand in the way of her success. Perhaps she is moving past me.”

“Aw, Thor, no, she’s-!”

“Th... Thor?”

All of them turned towards the entrance to the hall, looking over at a rather nervous-looking Jane.

“J... Jane...” Thor said softly, sounding anxious.

The scientist hesitated in the doorway, then seemed to gather her courage, swallowing a lump in her throat and striding over to the terrarium.

“Can... can I talk to you?” She asked as she pulled her boyfriend out of the case. Jane glanced at the other men. “Alone, preferably?”

Thor seemed to deflate. “J... Jane...” He let out a quiet sigh. “I understand, you don’t have to say it.”

Jane’s eyes widened. “Wait, you _knew?”_

“You were ill at the mere mention of it, it was not difficult to figure out.”

The scientist looked confused. “What?”

“You... you do not wish to move in with me, correct?”

Jane’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? Thor, that’s... that’s not what I’m talking about, I’d _love_ to move in with you-!”

“Really?!” Thor exclaimed, instantly perking up.

“Of course I would! It’s just...”

“It’s just...?” The toad prompted, looking suspicious.

Jane hesitated for a moment. “Can we maybe talk about this in private?”

The Asgardian nodded, turning around in her hands so that he faced the others.

“Leave.” He demanded in his most no-nonsense voice, the one that said ‘I am the Prince of Thunder and I shall smite you if you don’t do as I say’.

“Thor!” Jane chastised before smiling sheepishly up at the other Avengers.

“We’ll... be out on the balcony.”

With that, the scientist scurried out on the deck, shutting the door behind her. Without warning, the blinds closed, concealing Thor and Jane from the other three.

“Aw, come on!” Clint and Tony cried at the same time.

_“It is very rude to spy, Agent Barton, sir.”_ Jarvis chastised.

“I _am_ a spy!” Clint protested.

“I thought _I_ was the spy in this relationship.” Natasha commented as she walked into the living room. “Where’s Thor?”

Steve jerked his head towards the balcony. “He’s having a talk with Jane.”

“Ah.” The spy replied as she sat down on the couch, draping her legs over Clint’s. “Glad to see she didn’t chicken out, then.”

Clint gave her a suspicious look. “What do you mean by that?”

“Let’s just say I just had a _very_ interesting conversation with one Jane Foster. Don’t worry, you’ll know soon enough.”

Before any of them could question them further, there was a great flash of light behind the blinds, followed by the sound of Jane squealing loudly and Thor’s boisterous laughter. The door to the balcony burst open, revealing a _very_ naked Thor holding Jane in his arms.

“Thor, what-?!” Steve started, covering Tony’s eyes.

“I am going to be a _father!”_ Thor announced happily before kissing Jane deeply.

“That’s... that’s great buddy, now _please_ put on some pants.” Clint practically begged, covering his eyes.

Steve chuckled, then glanced over at Tony, who had managed to peek over the super-soldier’s fingers and was staring at Thor in fascination.

_Well, at least I know it’s not just me,_ he thought as he covered Tony’s eyes with his other hand.

“Hey!” The teen protested.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Nat, could you toss Thor the throw blanket?”

Natasha sighed overdramatically as she grabbed the blanket. “I have to do _everything_ around here.”

The soldier rolled his eyes again. “So, I guess that this means you’ll be staying, Dr. Foster?”

“Y... Yes...” Jane managed as Thor set her on the ground, her face bright red. “I mean, I’ll probably have to go back to London and settle some things, but I’m pretty sure I can find something in the city.”

“I own a company, I can give you a job!” Tony remarked as he tried to pry Steve’s fingers off of him.

“It’s not _that_ kind of company, Tony.”

“I’ll make a new division!”

“Uh-huh. And Pepper and Maria will chew you out for making such huge decisions without consulting them, and I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

“So? My superpower is _money,_ Steve, I’m basically _Batman.”_

Steve rolled his eyes again.

* * *

“Is the new baby gonna live here?”

Tony chuckled, ruffling Peter’s hair. “Probably. Looks like you’re not gonna be the youngest in this tower anymore, huh?”

“Uh-huh! D’you think Miss Jane an’ Thor are gonna get married?”

“Well, I don’t really know, kid. I mean, they did break the curse with ‘True Love’s Kiss’, so I think that’s a pretty good indicator of their compatibility.”

Peter hummed, kicking his legs as he drank his juice.

“Hey, Daddy?”

“Yeah?”

“D’you think that _you’ll_ ever get married?”

The question shocked Tony so much that he accidentally dropped his wrench.

“I, uh, I-I, um... well, I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never been really good at the whole, y’know, _relationship_ thing, but... maybe?”

Peter giggled. “Maybe you’ll marry Steeb someday!”

The teen blushed all the way up to the roots of his hair. “W-Wait, _what?_ Wh-Wh-Why, uh, why would I ever marry Steve?”

“‘Cause you like him.”

“I do _not!”_

“Do so! You’re always so happy when you’re with him, an’ you think he’s handsome, don’t you?”

Tony hesitated, then sighed, recognizing that he was beat.

“He’s the reason faces were invented.”

“I knew it! You _do_ like him!”

“Yeah, yeah, just... don’t go spreading it around, okay? Last thing I need is for people to know about it.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s kinda embarrassing, you know?”

“Why?”

“Because... it just is, okay? You’ll get it when you’re older.”

Peter pouted. “I’m real smart, I bet I’d get it now!”

Tony chuckled. “Trust me, kid, you won’t understand what I mean until you find yourself swooning over fancy hair and a great butt.”

“Why are you two talking about butts?” Steve asked as the door to Tony’s workshop opened.

“‘Cause-!”

Tony quickly moved to cover Peter’s mouth, turning a little bit red again.

“Beeeecaaaaaauuuussseee.... uh... we can?”

Steve arched an eyebrow, but seemed to decide to let it go.

“Dinner’s ready.” He told them. “We ordered pizza.”

“PIZZA!” Both Tony and Peter cheered, running up the stairs.

* * *

“You’re gonna have a baaaaaaaaaaaaabbbbyyyyyyy!” Darcy cooed, cuddling up to her boss. “You’re gonna be a mooooommmmmyyyy!”

Jane rolled her eyes. “Eat your pizza, Darcy.”

Her assistant didn’t seem to hear her, leaning down to talk to Jane’s stomach.

“Hello, tiny Jane or Thor! Try not to make your mama too fat, okay? Or blow things up!”

“Darcy, the baby’s not gonna be another me or another Thor.”

“You know, I think I found something about a second Thor in future me’s notes. Except it was about cloning, and about how that was a _really_ bad idea. Something about a Civil War dream or something.”

“That’s pretty weird, Tony.” Clint commented before turning back to his plate, only to find it empty.

“Hey!”

Natasha smirked at him before taking a big bite of his slice.

“You are the _worst_ girlfriend.”

The spy leaned over, pecking him on the lips quickly.

“... Well, maybe not the _worst_ girlfriend.”

Jane grinned, leaning into Thor.

She’d been worried that she’d feel out of place with the Avengers.

She’d never been so happy to be wrong.

* * *

“No, no, no, no, _no, NO!”_

 

Amora grit her teeth, grabbing the nearest pointy object and slashing through the image of that _idiotic_ mortal woman’s smiling face.

It wasn’t fair. Not at all.

Thor was supposed to be with _her_ , the spell was supposed to make him _see_ , he wasn’t supposed to return to his normal form with her-!

_“IT’S NOT FAIR!”_ Amora screamed, grabbing one of her vases and hurdling it at the portrait of Thor as hard as she could.

The doors swung open, Skurge running inside.

“My lady?”

“... It’s not fair. He’s supposed to be _mine_ , Skurge, not that- _that mortal harpy’s!”_

“En... Enchantress?”

Amora straightened.

“You know what? Fine. If I can’t convince Thor to return to Asgard of his own volition...”

Her hands tingled as they were enveloped in magic.

“I’ll simply have to leave him no other choice.”

 

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I just make Civil War into one of Tony's nightmares?  
> Yes, yes I did. Because that arc was a NIGHTMARE. Personally, I'm Team Grimm- Move to France until people are done being stupid.


	9. Behold, the Vision!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Amora, no one gets to see the Boxtrolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't gotten to see the Boxtrolls either.

“How do you propose marriage on Midgard?”

Steve nearly spat out his coffee. He stared up at Thor, who was looking at him with an odd mixture of concern and slight amusement.

“I- I’m sorry, _what?”_

“How. Do you. Propose. Marriage. On Midgard?” Thor repeated, slowly, with emphasis on each word.

“Why are you asking _me?”_

“Because you are the oldest of us, besides myself. It stands to reason you would know more, correct?”

“W-Well, I guess, but... Thor, I’ve never proposed to anyone in my _life,_ why would I know?”

The Asgardian shrugged. “It was you or Barton, and when I asked him he fell off his perch and screeched ‘How did you _know?!’”_

Steve blinked. “I... I really don’t wanna think about the implications of that, so moving on. Thor, are you going ask Jane to marry you?”

“That is the plan. I wish to spend every moment I can with her, and nothing would make me happier than if she was my wife. Unfortunately, I do not believe the traditional Asgardian proposal will appeal to her, and I do not know what the traditional Midgardian proposal is.”

The soldier arched an eyebrow. “Out of curiosity, what _is_ the traditional Asgardian proposal?”

“Well, in the old days, you would have to best the lady’s father in single unarmed combat. If there was no father, then a brother. Unfortunately, Jane’s father is long dead, and she has no brothers. Her mother may have been a worthy substitute, though; I have seen Mrs. Foster take down men twice her size with something called a ‘judo throw’.”

“Wow.”

“Indeed. Mrs. Foster is small, but mighty, much like her daughter. In any case, that practice is very much outdated, and in more recent times has been replaced by the practice of slaying a mighty beast and bringing back its head.” He shrugged. “I do not believe Jane would be extremely appreciative of this manner of proposal.”

“Yeah, me neither. Well, um... I guess typically you’d get a diamond ring, get down on one knee, and ask.”

Thor arched an eyebrow. “That’s it?”

“Yeah, it’s... it’s not very grand, I guess. Sometimes people will personalize it.”

“Hm...” Thor rubbed his chin in thought. “I could spell her name in the stars.”

“H... How would you even go about _doing_ that?”

“I am very old and have many friends, Steven.”

Just then, Jane shuffled out of the elevator, her hair a mess of tangles with a few strands stuck to her face.

“Coooofffeeeeeeeeee...”

Thor chuckled, standing up and walking over to his girlfriend. “Good morning, my love. And I’m afraid that I cannot allow you to drink coffee, for many of the websites I looked at have told me that it is bad for pregnant woman.”

The scientist looked up at him, pouting. “But I want coffee!”

“No, Jane.”

“But coffee!”

“My love, you will simply have to live without caffeine for the duration of this pregnancy.”

“But how am I supposed to be chipper in the morning without coffee?”

Thor grinned at her. “I can think of a few ways.”

Jane blinked, then smirked back at him, her cheeks flushing a bit.

“Why, Mr. Odinson, are you trying to seduce me?”

The Asgardian chuckled, leaning down to kiss his lover. “Perhaps.”

“Uh, hey, could you guys maybe, I don’t know, _not_ make out where we eat?” Steve asked, smirking into his coffee.

Jane blushed from her chin all the way up to the roots of her hair.

“Oh my god Steve I am so, _so_ sorry I didn’t realize you were here this is entirely inappropriate Thor get off of me-!”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Thor?”

“Indeed.” The Asgardian lifted his girlfriend up over his shoulder with ease, carrying her towards the stairs as she continued to babble an apology. They passed by Tony on their way up, who gave them a confused look.

“What’s with her?”

“Hell if I know. Morning.”

“Yeah, morning. Squirt up yet?”

“It’s Sunday, so probably not. He likes to sleep in on Sundays.”

“Heh, guess we got that in common.”

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “It’s eight thirty in the morning, I’d hardly call that sleeping in.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly _sleep,_ so...”

“Tony. Why didn’t you sleep?”

“Because I was trying to figure out future me’s notes on that cool robot in the workshop, duh.” The teen answered as he poured himself a glass of orange juice.

“Tony, I don’t think ‘Future You’ is going to appreciate you screwing around with his projects.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t even know if future me is coming back, so I don’t know how much it really matters.”

“What?” Steve asked, not even caring how shocked he sounded. “Tony, what do you mean by that?”

Tony didn’t speak for a moment. “N... Nevermind. It’s nothing.”

“Tony.” The soldier stated sternly.

“I said it’s nothing. Forget it.” The teen muttered bitterly, taking his juice and walking out of the kitchen.

“Tony, it’s obviously _not_ nothing, what’s wrong?”

“What do you care?” Tony yelled back, nearly bumping into Peter on his way down the stairs.

Steve opened his mouth as if to call after Tony again, then sighed, slumping back in his chair defeatedly.

_Please, God, let Peter be an easier teen than Tony._

Suddenly, there was a small tug on Steve’s pants. The soldier looked down, giving Peter a quizzical look.

“Don’t worry. He likes your butt an’ your fancy hair. I know. He said so when he was tryin’ to work with the robot.”

“He thinks it’s fancy?”

* * *

“Stupid Steve.” Tony grumbled as he fiddled with one of the many weird doo-hickeys he’d found in his bedroom. “Stupid Steve and his stupid... caring-ness and abs and arms and puppy dog eyes and... stupid.”

The little machine suddenly let off a spark, making Tony yelp and drop it to the floor. Thankfully, it didn’t catch fire, instead making a few pathetic little beeps before shutting down.

“Dammit...” The teen muttered under his breath, picking the device up and setting it aside. “Can’t even go a single day without screwing up my own tech...”

Tony sighed, leaning back in his chair.

_This is gonna be my life now, isn’t it? I’m gonna have to live my life over. If I can age at all. Maybe I’m stuck like this until the end of time. Maybe Peter’ll be older than me someday. That’s a weird thought._

A little voice in the back of Tony’s head (one that sounded suspiciously like his mother) told him that he was being pessimistic, that he’d find someone who’d love him and he’d go back to normal.

“Pfft. Yeah right, like that’ll ever happen.” He mumbled, grabbing another device and prying it open.

_After all, I don’t even really know what love is._

“Daddy?”

Tony couldn’t help but grin as he turned towards his door.

“Heya, squirt. What can I do for ya?”

Peter grinned, pushing up on his glasses. “Steeb wanted me to ask if you wanted to go see _The Boxtrolls_ with us later.”

Tony frowned, wondering for a moment why Steve wouldn’t just ask him that himself.

_Because you are an_ ass, _duh._

“Daddy?”

The teen blinked, clearing his throat. “Ah, um, sorry. I’d... I’d love to go, but I’m right in the middle of working on this... thingy.”

“Oh.” Peter’s face fell, turning his gaze to the floor. “Okay, bye, then.”

Tony felt his throat tighten, a pang in his heart when he saw how dejected the poor boy looked.

_“Daddy! Daddy, look what I made!”_

_“Wh- Maria, get him out of here! I don’t have time for this!”_

The genius sucked in a breath, feeling as though his blood had turned cold.

_No. I am_ not _going to let myself turn into Howard. Not ever._

“W-Wait, um...” Tony called, stopping his son just before he could leave the room. “Y-You know, I think that I’d actually rather go to see _The Boxgoblins.”_

_“Boxtrolls.”_

“Right, that. How about it?”

The kid grinned hugely. “Okay!”

Suddenly, Peter ran over, climbing up into Tony’s chair and wrapping his arms around his father. After a moment’s hesitation, the teen hugged him back, a warm feeling spreading throughout his chest.

_Well, hell, if I have to grow up again, at least I’ve got this little guy with me._

“We gotta go now, though, or else we’re gonna be late.”

“... Peter, exactly _when_ is ‘later’?”

“Twenty minutes from now.”

“That is _not_ later.”

* * *

“Peter, wait up!”

The little boy giggled, running back to Steve and grabbing the soldier’s hand with one of his and Tony’s with the other.

“Come on, come on! We’re gonna miss the movie, Steeb! You too, Daddy!”

“Pete, stop trying to pull us, you’re gonna get hurt.” Tony warned him half-heartedly, unable to suppress a grin.

In response, the child stuck out his tongue, then tried even harder to pull them along, grunting for effect.

Steve rolled his eyes, kneeling down and scooping Peter up in his arms.

“You’re a silly kid, you know that?”

“Nah-uh, _you’re_ silly, Steeb, _I’m_ pah’sistent!”

“Oh, really? And who told you that?”

“Aunt Pepper.”

“Of course.” Steve said as they walked up to the ticket office. “Hi, three for _The Boxtrolls_ , please-!”

“Oh my god!” Someone on the street screamed.

Almost on instinct, Steve turned around, squinting at the sky. His eyes went wide when he saw something bright streaking through the sky, something that seemed to be getting bigger and bigger, almost like it was-

_Oh, crap._

“Tony. Get inside.” The soldier said as evenly as possible, never taking his eyes off of the object hurtling towards the earth.

“What? Steve, we haven’t even bought our tickets-!”

_“Get inside!”_ Steve yelled, grabbing Tony and pulling him into the theater’s lobby. Before a single word could leave the teen’s mouth, the object rammed into the street outside, the resulting explosion shattering the glass windows of the theater. Instinctively, the soldier got in front of Tony, holding Peter close to his chest and bracing for impact.

“Sue!” Someone yelled over the sound of car horns blaring.

Steve paused, slowly turning around. His eyes went wide when he saw the forcefield covering the lobby, shielding everyone from the glass. A blonde woman stood in the center of the room, her arms outstretched.

“What the...?”

“All I wanted to do was go see a movie. Is that too much to ask?” She muttered to herself as she relaxed her arms, the forcefield fading as she did. The glass fell to the ground, shattering.

“... That. Was. AWESOME!” Peter announced. “Can we do that again?”

“Absolutely not.” Steve replied.

“What just _happened?!”_ Tony finally yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. “Why did a giant blame of flaming _death_ just crash into the street?! Is this _normal_ for you people?!”

“Pretty much, yeah.” A man with brown hair that was slowly turning to silver replied. Suddenly, he stretched out, as if he was made of rubber. “Is everyone alright?”

“Are... are _you_ alright, sir?” Steve asked as various people in the lobby replied in the affirmative.

“Hm? Ah, yes, I’m perfectly fine.” He said, returning to normal.

“You... you just stretched out to inhuman lengths, that’s not normal. At _all.”_

“He’s Mr. Fantastic, Steeb, it’s what he does.” Peter told him matter-of-factly.

Before Steve had time to question that, there was a sound like a lion roaring outside.

“Please tell me that was someone’s stomach.” Steve said quietly.

Just then, one of the cars out on the street was lifted up into the air, a horrendous creature that appeared to be made up entirely out of some kind of green energy underneath it.

“No such luck.” Sue muttered, creating another force field just as the monster hurled a car at them. “Reed, call Johnny and Ben, and tell Johnny if he burns another four into the ground, I won’t let him make up origin stories anymore.”

“Right-!” Reed started to reply, but just as he did, more of the energy creatures started to crawl out of the crater, running towards the theater and pounding on Sue’s force field. “Uh... honey? I think we might need more backup.”

“I can help with that.” Steve said as he dug his comm out of his pocket. “Avengers, this is Captain America. Get to the movie theater on 34th street, we’ve got a situation. And someone bring me my shield!”

Steve then turned to the crowd.

“Everyone, please make your way into the theaters. We need this area cleared out.”

As was to be expected, the crowd listened, the sound of footsteps nearly deafening as they ran into the rooms.

The soldier turned to Tony, handing Peter to the teen.

“Take Peter and get into the theater. And _don’t_ try to be a hero.”

Tony opened his mouth as if to protest.

“And don’t try to deny it, Stark, I know you too well.”

The teen closed his mouth.

_“Cap, this is Falcon. We’re on our way. What’s the situation?”_

Steve gave Tony a look.

“I’m going, I’m going.” Tony muttered, shifting Peter around in his arms as he ran towards the entrance to the theaters.

Before he went in, however, he glanced back at Steve, who was talking to Sue and Reed.

“... Be safe, Steve.” He whispered before ducking inside.

* * *

One thing people didn’t really know about Tony Stark: He was a fidgeter.

This was probably because, according to Pepper, Tony had gotten a handle on his fidgeting as he’d gotten older.

At the age of fourteen, though?

Tony was almost physically incapable of sitting still. Especially when he was worried, or frustrated, or anxious.

And right then, sitting in the dimly lit movie theater as a horrendous battle raged outside?

He was all three.

Peter, on the other hand, had managed to fall asleep in the seat next to Tony, snoring softly despite the near constant explosions and crashes.

Tony envied him for it.

_I feel so_ useless. _I’m supposed to be one of the biggest superheroes on planet Earth, and yet here I am, sitting in a movie theater with a sleeping toddler while my friends are fighting angry energy monsters outside._

The teen clenched his fist, then unclenched it.

_But what can I do? I’m just a kid, I don’t even know how to drive yet, much less fly a weaponized suit of armor._

He tapped his foot.

_And even if I could, I can’t leave Peter. He’s just a little kid, there’s no way he could protect himself if he were left alone._

He ran his fingers through his hair.

_Argh! Why didn’t future me program some kinda robot that could do the fighting for him?!_

Tony suddenly stopped tapping his foot.

_Wait a minute... future me didn’t program any sort of robot, but I did!_

Quickly, but quietly as not to disturb Peter, Tony pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket.

“Please, please, please...” He muttered under his breath as he scrolled through the apps. “No... no... no... yes!”

Tony quickly pressed the icon, and the screen starting glowing a faint blue.

_“Yes, sir?”_

“Shh!” Tony hissed. “Keep it down, Jarvis, Peter’s asleep!”

_“Apologies, sir. How may I help you?”_

Tony hesitated for a moment. “... Project 108835-V. I need you to activate it, _without_ giving me lip.”

_“I’m afraid I cannot do that at this time, sir.”_

“Why the hell not?!”

_“Project 108835-V cannot be activated until it has a set vocal pattern and a brain map to work with.”_

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, okay. Base the vocal pattern on the same one yours is based on, and...”

He hesitated once more.

_“Sir?”_

“Can you do a remote scan of a brain map? Say, over the phone?”

_“Yes, sir.”_

Tony took a deep breath.

_Here goes nothing._

* * *

They were losing.

Losing pretty badly, to be frank.

“Heads up!” Johnny yelled as he blasted past Steve, just barely managing to avoid singing off the top of Steve’s hair.

“Watch it!” The soldier yelled before hurling his shield through a herd of the beasts, slicing them all in half. They all let out a terrifying screech as they dissipated, but just as soon as they were gone, another bunch replaced them.

“And Hydra’s the one that uses the ‘cut off one head’ thing...” Steve muttered darkly as he caught his shield.

“Indeed!” Thor agreed as he sent out a shockwave towards another bunch of the creatures. “I have slain a hundred of these beasts, and still more appear!”

“... Why are you keeping track?” The soldier asked as he rammed a particularly bold one with his shield.

“The one known as ‘The Thing’ and I have made a bet! Whoever slays more will be treated to a burger by the loser!”

“... Seriously?” Steve asked, raising his fist and hitting one of the creatures without even looking.

“‘S the standard bet for me and the Big Green Dope.” Ben informed Steve as he threw a whole bunch of the creatures down. “One hundred and _ten,_ Hammerhead!”

Thor glared at the Thing. “You shall not be smug for long, Grimm!”

“We’ll see about that!”

Steve sighed as the two ran off into a crowd of the creatures. “Why do I have a feeling that this won’t end well for anyone?”

“It probably won’t.” Natasha told him as she landed next to him, taking out a few of the monsters with a sweep of her leg. “They’ve expanded to 9th Avenue. Barton and Storm are doing their best to keep them out of the subway, but they won’t be able to hold them back much longer. Got a plan?”

“Does it look like I have a plan?”

Natasha shrugged. “You’re the Star Spangled Man, you tell me.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “All I got is ‘attack and hope that they stop re-spawning’.”

“That’s not a plan.” The spy told him as she snapped one of the creature’s necks.

“It’s all I’ve got, okay?! I don’t know how to stop this, or where they came from-!”

Suddenly, there was a great boom behind them, followed by Ben screaming as he sailed through the air above them. The creatures dispersed, revealing an astoundingly huge man holding up Thor by the throat.

“What would I give to simply clench my fist and _end you,_ O Prince of Thunder.” The man commented in a low, gravelly voice, spitting Thor’s title as if it were a curse. “Alas, the Enchantress requires that I bring you back to her alive.”

Thor let out a strangled gasp, trying to pry the man’s fingers from his neck. “S... Skurge... unhand me...”

“Hm. If you insist. But first... Amora told me to bring you back alive, not _unharmed._ ” Skurge grinned. “And as we all know, Asgardians can take quite a bit of abuse without dying.”

With that, the brute hurled Thor at the nearest building, the god crashing straight through the wall.

“Thor!” Steve yelled. He grit his teeth, turning towards the beast of a man and hurling his shield at him as hard as he could. Just before the disk could bash him in the head, though, Skurge caught it, smirking at the captain.

“Oh, _please._ Did you _really_ think that would _work?”_

“I’m gonna be honest here, I kinda did.” Steve muttered, taking a step back. “Is your mistress the one causing this?”

“As you mortals say, _duh._ Be gone, now, I have no quarrel with you.” He walked over to where Thor was lying, slinging the barely conscious Asgardian over his shoulder. “I am only here for Thor.”

“Yeah, no. That’s not happening.” Steve replied, glaring at Skurge. “Put him down, and we won’t have a problem.”

The Executioner let out a hearty laugh, as if that suggestion was the funniest thing he’d ever heard in his life.

“Are you _serious?_ Tell me that you jest, mortal, because it seems so unlikely that anyone could be so stupid. What could you do to harm me?” He held up Steve’s shield. “After all, you’ve already given me your best weapon.”

He started to squeeze the disk in his grip, and to Steve’s shock the vibranium actually started to _crack._

“I suggest that _you_ run instead, Captain.”

Before Steve could reply to that, there was a sudden, sharp beep overhead.

“Target acquired.”

The soldier blinked, looking up.

“J... Jarv-?!”

A blast like a laser suddenly shot out of the newcomer, hitting Skurge square in the forehead and knocking him back.

“What the hell...?”

Skurge growled angrily as he sat up. “You’ll pay for that!” He yelled as he tossed Thor aside.

“Target is still mobile. Initiating combat protocol.”

The newcomer landed on the ground softly, their cape swishing as they stood.

The Executioner charged at them, fist raised, but the newcomer easily dodged the blow, moving to the side and kneeing him in the stomach. Skurge let out a strangled gasp, but somehow managed to turn around, grabbing them and hurling them at a nearby building. Steve braced himself to see the crash, but to his amazement the newcomer managed to phase right through the wall, coming back out completely unharmed and shooting another repulsor blast at the giant.

Skurge growled once again. “What in the nine realms _are_ you?”

“I am Project 108835-V. I was designed to be perfect, to help foster in an era of peace.” The android replied as they landed, easily dodging blows from the swarm of creatures around them before turning and zapping them all out of existence. They grabbed the Executioner by the front of his armor. “And you? You seek to destroy any chance of that. You are your mistress’s guard, her lackey. She calls on you to scare people into agreeing with her. I know. I have seen the footage of the attack. I have a master as well, but do you know what I am to my master?” They raised their fist.

“I am my master’s perfect vision for the future.”

With that, the robot headbutted Skurge and decked him in quick succession, then dropped the now unconcious brute onto the ground. Around them, the monsters dissipated into thin air.

“Target immobilized.”

“... Holy _shit.”_ Steve stated incredulously.

The android turned to him. “Captain Steven Rogers?”

“Uh... yes?”

The robot raised their hand. “Target acquired.”

Steve’s eyes widened. “W-Wait, _what?!”_

“In the past year alone, the members of the Avengers have caused millions of dollars in property damage, the collapse of at least one government agency, and leaked immensely sensitive information out to the general public. You all constitute a threat to any hope of peace. Therefore, the logical course of action is to eliminate you.”

“Are... are you _serious?!”_

The android paused for a moment, then actually grinned, lowering his hand.

“No. I am not serious. I was simply, as they say, _screwing_ with you.”

Steve gave the robot an incredulous look. “Why?!”

“I thought it would be amusing. I was correct, it was _very_ amusing.”

“You’ve _seriously_ got one screwed up sense of humor.”

“I possess the same sense of humor as my master, as my mind is mapped after his.”

“And... who is your master, exactly?”

“Anthony Edward Stark.”

“... Of course he is.” Steve blinked. “Hang on, I saw you in the workshop yesterday, you weren’t even _close_ to done! How are you active?!”

“I do not know. I have only been active for the past thirteen minutes.”

Before the soldier could ask him any more questions, there was a loud groan, Thor sitting up near them.

“What... what happened?” The Asgardian asked. He blinked, looking around. “Where are the creatures?”

“Oh, they disappeared a minute ago... wait, why did they do that?”

“My scan indicates that all magical activity has halted. I do not know why.”

“Hey, Avengers!”

They all turned, watching as Sue walked over to then, Amora slung over her shoulder.

“You’ve got a way to send her back, right?”

* * *

“Man, I am seriously envious of your ability to sleep through anything.” Tony mumbled.

Peter simply sighed in his sleep.

“I think it might be a superpower.” A familiar voice said with a chuckle.

Tony looked up, smiling a bit.

“Hey, Steve. Glad to see you’re still kicking.”

The soldier grinned at him. “Well, we had a bit of help with that.”

He stepped aside, revealing the brightly colored android behind him.

“Master.”

Tony’s eyes widened, his mouth dropping open in shock.

“No way...”

Steve cleared his throat. “Y’know, I distinctly recall this project being far from done yesterday. You wanna tell me why they’re walking around?”

The teen grinned sheepishly.

“Well... funny story, did you know that Jarvis can make brain maps over a cell phone?”

* * *

“You are making a mistake.” Amora yelled as she struggled against her chains.

Thor rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time.

“If that is indeed the case, Amora, then I would ask that you allow me to make it. I am very happy with my friends and my dearest Jane here on Midgard. Here, I can protect people. I can make a difference.”

“You are as a good as a _king_ on Asgard. You would sacrifice that to live amongst mere mortals?”

The prince smiled sadly at her. “I pity you, Amora, I truly do.”

“Oh? And why’s that?”

“Because you don’t understand love. Not the sort of love I feel for this world, for its people, for my friends and Jane.”

Thor smiled, bringing his girlfriend close to his side.

“The love I feel for our child.”

Jane smiled up at him, then turned to glare at Amora.

“That’s why he stays, Enchantress. And that’s why he won’t go back with you.”

Amora lunged forward, only held back by Steve’s grip.

“I wouldn’t do that, ma’am.”

Just then, a blast of light bore into the ground, so bright that everyone had to look away. When it finally receded, Sif was walking towards them.

“Lady Sif.” Thor greeted her happily, pulling her into a hug with the arm that wasn’t around Jane.

“My lord.” Sif replied, grinning at him, then Jane. “And Milady.”

“M... Milady? What-?!”

“So, then. Heimdall?”

“Of course. We are all very happy. Your father has asked me to tell you to bring Jane to Asgard when you marry.”

“Wh-Wh-?! _When?!”_ Jane squeaked.

Thor frowned. “Do you not _wish_ to be married?”

“Well, of _course_ I want to marry you-!”

“Truly? Will you, then?”

“Will I what?”

“Marry me, of course! I have yet to purchase a ring for you, but I will!”

“Wh- Well, not right _now!”_

Sif chuckled as she took hold of Amora. “You two will have a happy marriage. And Lady Jane? Freya told me to tell you that your babies shall be quite healthy.”

“O-Oh, well, thank- _did you say babies.”_

“Yes, according to Freya you shall have _twins!”_

Jane let out a noise that sounded a lot like a dying whale.

* * *

“All-Father!”

Odin turned to face Sif as she led the chained Amora along.

“Ah, Lady Sif. You have returned with the Enchantress, I see.”

“Yes, milord. Thor sends his love. Lady Jane was only able to make sounds like a wounded bilgesnipe, I’m afraid.”

The king chuckled. “Yes, well, hard to blame her.”

He turned his gaze to Amora, glaring at her coldly.

“Lady Sif, I ask that you leave Lady Amora and I alone for a moment. I would like to have a word with her.”

The warrior gave him a confused look. “Milord?”

“Just for a moment, Sif.”

She still looked unsure, but Sif bowed to him, then exited the room, ushering the guards out with her.

Amora glared up at Odin as he walked towards her.

“You are a fool, Amora.”

“Oh, what, are you going to lecture me? That worked _so_ well with Loki, after all. Save your words, you old _tyrant,_ for there is nothing you can say that your _idiot_ son has not-!”

Suddenly, the king slapped her, knocking her to the floor.

“Don’t you _ever_ refer to Thor that way, you little _harpy!_ You have no right to his love, and you are a _fool_ for thinking otherwise. If he wishes to be with the mortals, so be it. After all, that only helps _me_ in the long run.”

Amora stared at Odin, her eyes wide.

“A... All-Father?”

The king’s lips turnt up in a malicious smirk. “I admire your efforts, Amora, but I will not have anyone else tormenting dear Thor so. After all...”

Odin suddenly started to morph, becoming leaner, younger, paler. Amora gasped when she saw a familiar pair of green eyes.

“That’s _my_ job.”

“L... _Loki?_ H... How? What have you done with the All-Father?!”

Loki chuckled. “Oh, do not fear, he lives. He is on Midgard. I wiped his memory when I took his place. He now believes himself to be an old man by the name of Captain Benny Morgan. He runs a pirate-themed boat tour in the Caribbean.”

Amora lunged forward, struggling against her chains. “Why are you telling me this?! We have never been friends, Trickster, I would feel no remorse for telling everyone the truth!”

“I know. But really, when it comes down to it, who are people going to believe? The woman who threw a magical temper-tantrum when Thor rejected her?”

Loki morphed back into Odin. “Or the All-Father?”

“You... You _beast!_ I hope you rot in _Hel_ for what you’ve done!”

“Only if you will join me there, dear Amora. Have fun in prison. I’ve made sure to place you in the cell across from your sister.”

* * *

“Captain?”

Steve nearly jumped right out of his skin, his tablet falling into his lap.

“Gah! Jeez, man, learn to make _noise_ when you walk!”

“I did not walk, Captain, I flew and manipulated my density so I would be able to phase through the floor.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “You know what I meant.”

“I do not.”

The soldier sighed. “Look, just... what do you need, uh... you... you don’t have a name yet, do you?”

“I have not been given a designation other than Project 108835-V.”

“Fine, fine, then... we’ll call you Vee.”

“Vee. I suppose it shall do.”

“Good. Now, what do you need, Vee?”

“Master and the small one have fallen asleep on the couch in the workshop. I am wondering if I should just leave them there or not.”

“The... small one? You mean Peter?”

“I was unaware of his name. He will not speak to me.”

“Yeah, he does that.” Steve sighed. “Well, I guess Tony could sleep on the couch, but Peter has pre-school in the morning. He should probably should sleep in his own bed.”

“I agree. Please take him.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I tried. The child made noises when I attempted to pick him up, so I dropped him back onto my master. Then my master started glowing and became older.”

Steve froze. “Wait, what?”

“There was a smacking sort of noise when I dropped the boy. Now my master is older. I do not understand why this is a difficult concept.”

_True Love’s Kiss..._

The soldier stood up, all but running to the elevator.

“Captain? Why are you running?”

“I think you might’ve just helped break the curse!”

“Illogical. Curses do not exist.”

“... Oh, you’re _adorable.”_ Steve stated as he exited the elevator. “Jarvis, open the door, please.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

The door to the workshop hissed open.

“Well I’ll be damned.” Steve whispered to himself as he entered the area, looking down at the couch with a smile. Peter was laying on top of the now-adult Tony, his lips pressed to his dad’s cheek. The soldier walked down to the couch, placing his hand on Peter’s back and rubbing it gently.

“Peter, honey, wake up...”

The little boy groaned a bit, moving his head so that he was cheek-to-cheek with Tony. He then paused, rubbing his face on his father’s beard before opening his eyes wide and gasping.

“Daddy!” He exclaimed as he sat up, a huge grin on his face.

Tony woke with a snort. “Wuzzat? Peter? S.... Somethin’ the matter-?! Oof!”

Peter practically tackled him in a hug, which, though he looked confused, the billionaire returned.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Steve grinned at him, reaching over and ruffling Tony’s hair. “Welcome back.”

“Did... did I go somewhere?”

Before Steve could answer that, Tony’s eyes went wide.

“What are you doing? Why are you active, you are not _ready_ to be active!”

“I did not make that decision, master.” Vee replied.

“And why do you sound like Jarvis?! What am I _missing?!”_

“It’s a long story. See, there was this sorceress...”

****  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost done with this arc! Just one more chapter, and I get to do something I've been REALLY excited about!  
> Well, two things, actually.  
> Also, I imagine the Fantastic Four looking like their reboot actors in this one. As much fun as Johnny-and-Steve look-alike jokes are, it just gets old after a while.


	10. Sensational

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony really wishes his friends would stop breaking things. He has to pay for them, you know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. AGE OF ULTRON TEASER. BOBBI MORSE ON TEAM COULSON. QUICKSILVER AND THE SCARLET WITCH. SKYE MIGHT BE AN ALIEN.  
> THIS IS A BIT MUCH, MCU.  
> (also remember when I said I got to do two things I've been looking forward to in this chapter? I lied. I get to do five or six)

“I already knew I was an idiot when I was a kid. This? This just _proves_ it.”

“I am in the room, master.”

Tony glared at Vee. “I’m well aware of that, thanks. And stop calling me that!”

“Do you mean that you wish for me to stop addressing you as ‘master’?”

“Yes! It sounds... _weird.”_

The Vision was silent for a moment. “Very well, then... my lord.”

“No, not that either.”

“Sir?”

“I already have one of you that calls me that.”

“My liege?”

“No.”

“Creator?”

“No.”

“Sensei?”

_“No.”_

“Sifu?”

“Are you just looking up titles now?”

“Yes.”

Tony sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Ugh, look, just... call me Tony, alright? Just until I can figure something else out?”

“... May I make a suggestion?”

“Sure, why not?” Tony said as he took a swig of his coffee.

“I feel it would be appropriate if I were to address you as ‘Father’.”

The genius spat out his coffee, gagging and coughing in shock.

“Wh... I’m sorry, _what?!”_

“You are my creator, correct? I believe that ‘Father’ is an accurate term for me to use.”

Tony gave him a wide-eyed stare, trying to come up with a good counter-argument.

“I... I already have a kid.” He tried lamely, a little ashamed that it was the only thing he could think of on such short notice.

“Is it not normal for a parent to have more than one child? When I was doing a search of popular media last night, I found that most families in domestic sitcoms have two or three children. Is that only in fiction?”

“W-Well, no, it’s actually pretty common in real life, but...” The inventor sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Look, Peter will get home in a couple of hours, we’ll discuss it then.”

“If that is what you would prefer.”

“Good. Now, moving on, we need some other name to call you besides Vee.”

“Understood.” The Vision’s eyes flashed briefly. “I have found a name that I find acceptable.”

“Alright, what is it?”

“Victor Frankenstein.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Understood.” Another flash. “Henry Jekyll.”

_“No.”_

Flash. “Jonathan Harker?”

“No, just- nothing copyrighted, alright?”

“Understood.” Flash. “Frank Castle.”

“... Well, it’s not copyrighted, but... I don’t know, something about it just seems kinda... _murder-y.”_

“‘Murder-y’ is not a word.”

“Jarvis, remind me to program a better sense of humor into this guy.”

_“Yes, sir. While I have your attention, there is a call for Dr. Banner.”_

“So tell _him_ that.”

_“He has asked not to be disturbed. The young gentleman on the other line sounds quite desperate to speak to him.”_

Tony sighed, digging his phone out of his pocket.

“Probably just another fanboy. Connect him to me, I’ll scare him off.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

The dial tone rang for a moment, then stopped mid-beep.

_“Dr. Banner, I’m so glad that-!”_

“Sorry, kid, Bruce isn’t able to come to the phone right now.”

_“O-Oh, um, sorry... who is this?”_

Tony paused. “This... this is Tony Stark. Y’know, Iron Man? The Avengers?”

_“I... I don’t watch the news a lot, sorry.”_

“Hm. Well, kid, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave Brucie Bear alone. I understand that you’re a fan and all, but-!”

_“Oh, no, I’m not a fan!”_

Tony blinked. “Wait, you’re not?”

_“Well, I mean, I have great respect for Dr. Banner, sure, but I’m not really into science, that’s... I should probably introduce myself. My name is Matt Murdock. I’m an intern under Miss Jennifer Walters.”_

“You mean that defense attorney that helped Xavier overturn the Mutant Registration Act?”

_“Yes, that would be her. I’m still not sure how she did it- I’ve watched the tapes a hundred times, and I still can’t believe it. Anyway, Miss Walters is Dr. Banner's cousin. Surely he's mentioned her?”_

The inventor thought for a moment. “Huh... he said something about a ‘Jen’ once.”

_“That would be her. Look, I... I really need to talk to Dr. Banner, there’s... there’s been an accident.”_

* * *

There were many reasons that Bruce was alright with not feeling anything.

No more other guy, for one. When he had emotions, the Hulk was a constant presence, always there in the back of his mind.

Now? It was like the beast was sleeping.

Bruce was at peace.

Another reason was that, without emotions, he could think so clearly. In the past few days alone, Bruce had been able to do more work than he had been in the past _year._

And in this moment, he found a third reason: if he’d had emotions, then there was no way he would have been able to look at Jen lying in that hospital bed.

“I’d ask if you were alright, but I know better.” Tony said, his arms folded as he leaned against the wall.

“Because you know me, or because of how I am now?”

“More the latter, but if you’d let me call Betty-!”

“We have had this discussion, Stark. I have not changed my mind.”

Tony frowned. “Bruce, come on. Everyone else has broken their curse-!”

“I do not see why that means I must break mine. It’s better this way, isn’t it? No chance of me losing control?”

“Yeah, at the cost of you becoming less emotionally diverse than _the Vision!_ Are you _that_ afraid of the Hulk?”

“... No.” He glanced over at Tony, his eyes cold. “But I know that _you_ are.”

The inventor’s eyes widened. “Wh... What do you-?!”

“The Hulkbuster, Stark. I saw the plans last night. How long until you built it?”

“B-Bruce... Bruce, I made those plans before I _met_ you-!”

“The technological specs on them were on par with the current Iron Man armor. You drew up those plans in the last eight months, while we were _working together.”_

Tony looked down at the ground in shame. “I... I have a kid now, Bruce, and... I got worried, alright? You’re my best friend, but the Hulk sure as hell isn’t, and if he were to try to hurt Peter-!”

“You would not have to worry about the Hulk hurting Peter. He is very fond of the child. In fact, he refers to him as ‘little man’. Still, I do not blame you for being afraid.”

“Y... You don’t?”

“No. It is only logical. See the woman in there?”

He tapped the glass, pointing at his comatose cousin.

“That’s Jen, right?”

“Yes. I have known Jen since I was six years old, since the day she was born. She is my closest friend, and one of the only people I have ever considered to be family.”

Bruce paused for a moment.

“Before I went to India, I visited Jen. She tried to hide it, but I know she was afraid. I didn’t even stay the night. I found her sleeping with a revolver under her pillow. I know that, if I’d changed while I was there, she wouldn’t have hesitated to try and kill me.”

He stopped.

“And I don’t blame her for that. I did leave a note telling her that bullets would only make the Hulk angrier.”

“She was sorry about that, you know.”

Both the scientist and the inventor turned. A red-haired young man- more of a teenager, really- wearing dark sunglasses walked towards them, smiling politely.

“I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Matt Murdock. I spoke on the phone with a Tony Stark?”

“That’d be me, yeah. You’re the intern?” Tony asked, taking a step towards the redhead and holding his hand out.

Matt shook it. “Officially.”

“What are you, twelve?”

“I’m sixteen, thanks.”

“And you’re an intern for one of the most high-profile attorneys in the country?”

“‘Intern’ isn’t really the right word. We’ve agreed on ‘unofficial partner’.”

Tony’s eyebrow arched. “Yeah, you’ll have to pardon me for being skeptical.”

“I suppose I will. Dr. Banner, thank you for coming.”

“Jen is the only family I have, did you believe that I wouldn’t?”

“Seeing as I had to go through Mr. Stark in order to contact you? There was a distinct possibility.”

“I would glare at you, but I can tell it would have no effect.”

Matt smirked. “I’m impressed. It takes most people longer to figure it out.”

Tony frowned, bemused. “Figure what out?”

“You see, that’s more normal.”

Before the inventor could continue questioning them, a young woman walked up to Bruce.

“Dr. Banner?”

“That would be me.”

“We’re ready to do the transfusion.”

“Good.”

“Transfusion? What transfusion?”

“Jen and I have the same blood type, Stark, you figure it out.”

 _“What?!”_ Matt yelled, pushing past Tony and grabbing Bruce’s arm. “Are you _insane?!”_

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“You can’t do this! What if Jen-?!”

“If I do not, Jen may never wake up. And even if she does... well. I’ve read her file. Extensive nerve damage, collapsed lung, massive brain trauma... If Jen does wake up, then the best case scenario is that she’ll be unable to walk or continue her career as a lawyer.”

Bruce pulled his arm away from the intern.

“We both know she’d rather be dead. If my blood can save her, then it is logical that I try.”

“And what if it makes her like... like...”

“Like me? Unlikely. Now, then, if you’ll excuse me, I have to save my cousin’s life.”

Matt grit his teeth. “Your cousin’s life is at stake, and you’ll settle for _unlikely?!”_

“She is the only family I have left. There is a better chance that it saves her than that it kills her.”

With that, the scientist walked off, leaving Tony and Matt alone in the hall.

“Y... You okay, kid?” Tony asked, placing his hand on the intern’s shoulder.

The teen shrugged it off.

“I’m... I’m fine, it’s just... Jen’s... she’s important to me, too.”

* * *

“Beginning transfusion now.”

Tony glanced over at Bruce, who was leaning against the wall, watching.

“You okay?”

“You know the answer.”

The inventor sighed, turning back to the bed. Matt was sitting next to Jen, holding her hand tightly and staring off into space.

_What is it with that kid? You’d think he’d look at Jen._

The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room as Bruce’s blood flowed into his cousin. Almost immediately, she began to change- the bruises on her face disappeared, the color returning to her cheeks.

“Oh my god...” One of the nurses whispered.

“What? What’s happening?” Matt asked, sounding concerned.

“She is getting better.” Bruce replied.

Tony frowned. The kid was sitting right next to her, how wasn’t he seeing this?

Before he had time to ask, though, the shrill beeping became faster and faster.

“She’s coding!”

“Wha-!” Matt started before a nurse pulled him out of the way, handing him over to Tony. When they collided, the intern’s glasses fell off.

“Sirs, please leave the room.”

“Jen-!” Matt yelled as the door closed. He ran towards it, pounding on the steel door.

“Kid, stop, you’ll be a lot more help to Jen if you’re not-!”

“My glasses! She knocked them off, I need them!”

Tony frowned. “Matt, it’s seven o’clock at night, why would you... oh.”

The teen turned to him, glaring. His eyes were almost completely _white;_ they were covered in cataracts.

“... You’re... you’re _blind,_ aren’t you?”

“No shit, Sherlock!” Matt yelled before turning his glare on Bruce. “This is _your_ fault! You and that... that _monster!”_

“My calculations-!”

 _“Fuck_ your calculations! Jen was the only family I had, and you killed her!”

“Matt-!”

The teen shoved Tony away from him, running down the hall.

* * *

_“... And in other news, the vigilante known as ‘Daredevil’ made another appearance last night, this time at a local bank robbery. When asked for a comment on this new hero, the Avengers, represented by Hawkeye, had this to say...”_

The broadcast switched over to a video of Clint and Natasha, the latter of whom was glaring directly at the camera.

 _“The Avengers’ official stance on this ‘Daredevil’ character is that we don’t care. Now please, I’d like to enjoy my lunch in_ peace.”

Steve sighed. “Why is that whenever a new hero appears, they _always_ ask Clint?”

“Because Clint’s an idiot?” Tony suggested, not looking up from his phone.

The soldier hesitated for a second.

“Still trying to get a hold of Bruce?”

“... He hasn’t come out of his lab in two days.”

Steve resisted the urge to comment on how ironic it was that _Tony_ was trying to get someone out of their lab.

“He just needs time, Tony.”

“Isn’t two days enough?”

“She was his only family.”

“She _is_ his only family. Jen’s not dead yet.”

“You know what the doctor said.”

Tony didn’t speak for a moment.

“I just... I don’t want him to let this break him.”

“It won’t.”

Steve and Tony turned around, blinking in shock.

“Bruce...”

“But you are right. I should go see her.”

* * *

“You usually don’t look so peaceful when you’re sleeping. You drool. A lot.”

Jen, of course, didn’t reply.

“The others, they came too, you know. The Avengers, I mean. And Pepper and Peter. I think you’d like Peter. You always said you wanted a child someday. Though I guess you have Matt now.”

The heart monitor beeped steadily.

“He seems... intelligent. There’s something about him, though.”

A breeze ruffled the curtains.

“He loves you, though. I can see that. He said that you’re his only family, too.”

Nothing.

“... This is my fault. I wish that I could say I feel guilty, but... I’ve never been able to lie to you, Jennifer. It’s why you know me better than anyone.”

Slowly, he took her hand.

“I can’t say I’m sorry, either. I can’t say that I’m sad, or angry at myself, or at the drunk driver in the SUV...”

Bruce took a deep breath.

“But I can say that I’ll take care of you. As long as I live, I will wait here, by your side. No one will ever hurt you. I promise. And...”

The scientist paused, then lifted Jen’s hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it.

“And not a day will go by that I won’t miss you terribly.”

Bruce wished that he could cry.

“I love you, Jennifer.” He said, closing his eyes.

Suddenly, he heard a familiar snort.

“Geez, Bruce Goose, are you this dramatic when you’re with the Avengers?”

The scientist’s eyes widened, his head jerking up in shock.

His jaw dropped open when he found himself looking into a pair of big, brown eyes.

“... Jen?”

She grinned at him as she sat up in bed. “The one and only, ya big ‘ol dorkus.”

Jen leaned over, enveloping her cousin in a hug. Then she pulled back, glaring at him.

“Is it too much to ask for a damn phone call? A text? A letter? _Smoke signals_ would have worked.”

“It... It has been an eventful few years.”

“Too eventful to call your favorite cousin?”

“You are my _only_ cousin.”

“Which means I’m your favorite.”

“I suppose so.” He paused for a moment. “It is good that you are all right.”

Jen rolled her eyes, then grinned.

“Aw, c’mere, Spock!”

Before Bruce could stop her, the lawyer pressed a kiss to Bruce’s cheek.

Suddenly, something _snapped_ inside him, bursting like a dam. All of his emotions returned in an overwhelming flood, making his heart race faster and faster.

_No... no, please, no, stay asleep, no-!_

“B... Bruce?”

The scientist practically jumped out of his chair, pushing his cousin away.

_Calm down, calm down, calm down!_

“Bruce, you’re _scaring_ me! What’s wrong?”

_No, no, not Jen, not her, no-!_

An angry roar _exploded_ in Bruce’s head, making him scream.

“What’s going on-?!” Steve yelled as he burst into the room.

_Stay back, stay back-!_

_**No.** _

Bruce’s eyes widened. “Get... out...”

“Oh, no.”

The scientist suddenly felt hands on his shoulders. He looked up at Steve, who was looking at him with a sort of desperate concern.

“Bruce, it’s alright, just... just keep it together, you’re alright-!”

_**ANGRY!** _

Bruce gasped, cringing. “No, no, no, can’t stop-! Can’t-!”

_**My turn.** _

The Hulk glared down at the blonde man, baring his teeth.

“Leave. Hulk. ALONE!” He yelled, throwing Star-Man through the wall.

A woman screamed in terror. The Hulk turned, glaring at the green-eyed woman for a moment before his eyes widened.

He knew her. Or, rather, Banner knew her.

She was nice. She helped Banner.

_**Lady... scared?** _

“S-Stay back!” She warned, holding up a nearby lamp. “I-I’m warning you, I know how to use this... lamp... in an awesome, kung-fu type way!”

_**Hulk scare Banner’s friend?** _

“Unca Bruce!”

The Hulk turned around, swallowing hard when he saw the Little Man.

“Peter, get away from there!” The Tin Man yelled, running towards the Little Man. Terror was clear in his eyes, as it was in all of the others. Star-Man, Arrow-Head, Spy-Lady, Hammerhead...

 _**Hulk scare** _ **all** _**Banner’s friends.** _

“Hulk, stand down! We don’t want to hurt you!” Spy-Lady told him, even with a gun still trained on him.

_**They no trust Hulk.** _

The Hulk glared at all of them, then kneeled down, placing a finger on the Little Man’s head.

“Hulk go. Little Man stay. No following.”

Little Man’s eyes widened. “Wh... What?”

“No. Following.” He stood up, baring his teeth.

_**Hulk leave.** _

“ANY OF YOU! NO FOLLOWING! LEAVE HULK ALONE!” He bellowed.

With that, the monster turned, smashing out of the window.

* * *

“Is everyone alright?” Steve asked, looking around the room.

Tony sighed, standing up and holding a crying Peter in his arms.

“I think so. Peter, what on _Earth_ were you thinking? You could’ve gotten hurt, or _worse!”_

“Unca Bruce wouldn’t h-hurt me!”

“No, but the Hulk might!”

“Nah-uh! He’d never hurt me!”

“You can’t _know_ that!”

“W-Well you can’t know that he w-would!”

“Yes, I can! The Hulk is a _monster!”_

“No he isn’t! An’- an’ you shouldn’t talk so mean ‘bout your friend!”

“That _thing_ is _not_ my friend!”

Peter glared at him, then took a deep breath.

“What are you-?”

Suddenly, the child let out an _ear-piercing_ scream, startling Tony so much that he accidentally dropped the boy.

“Peter-!”

“I _hate_ you!” Peter yelled, dashing out of the hospital room.

“Peter Richard Parker!” Tony called as he chased after him.

Once they were gone, someone cleared their throat.

“Um... excuse me?”

Steve turned towards Bruce’s cousin, then immediately looked away.

“Oh, _jeez.”_

The green-skinned, seven-foot-tall woman grinned sheepishly, covering herself with her hands as best as possible.

“Can... can someone maybe get me a bigger hospital gown?”

“What the- HEY!” Matt yelled as Clint covered his eyes.

“Sorry, kid, you must be eighteen or older to view this content.”

Matt swatted the archer’s hands away.

“I’m _blind,_ asshole, I couldn’t see her if I wanted to!”

“And he doesn’t.” Jen added as she wrapped the bedsheet around herself.

“No I do not.”

* * *

“You’re gonna feel a slight pinch.”

Jen rolled her eyes as the needle was stuck in her arm.

“Please. Doctor Lady really think tiny needle will hurt She-Hulk?”

At the doctor’s fearful expression, Jen sighed.

“Relax, Doc, I’m not gonna hulk out. I’m just fuckin’ with you.”

The other woman looked relieved.

“Jeez, you guys have less of a sense of humor than Bruce does...”

“You’d be surprised.” Tony said as he walked back in the room.

“Where’s Peter?” Steve asked.

“I sent him home with Pepper. After I grounded him.”

The soldier didn’t miss the look on Tony’s face when he said ‘grounded’, but decided against bringing it up.

“So... I caused my cousin to go bananas?” Jen asked after a minute as the doctor took the needle out, having gotten enough blood to test.

“Yeah, sorry. See, there was this sorceress, and she had a thing for Thor-!”

“So, crazy magic shit. Gotcha.”

Steve chuckled, then turned to stop the doctor before she left.

“Hey, um, Doctor...?”

“Isles!” The woman replied cheerfully, her British accent thick. “Dr. Jane Isles.”

“Right, um, Dr. Isles, I was just wondering when we’d see the results from those tests?”

“Oh, well, um, I’m not actually sure, you’d have to check with my super- erm, my boss.”

“Your... boss?”

“That’d be me.” Another woman said as she walked inside. “I’m Maura Rizzoli.”

Steve blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“Have... have we met before? You look kinda familiar.”

“I think I’d remember meeting Captain America.” Dr. Rizzoli joked. “We’ll probably have those tests to you by next Monday.”

Before Steve could ask anything else, the two women were gone.

* * *

“Dammit!”

Steve flinched as he walked down the stairs to Tony’s workshop. Cursing wasn’t exactly an _uncommon_ occurrence with the inventor, but it was almost never a good sign.

“You alright, Tony?”

“Oh, just _peachy!”_ Tony yelled, turning towards Steve. “My best friend freaked out, destroyed a hospital room, and fucked off to god-knows-where, my son _hates_ me, there’s a second Hulk running around, and to top it all off, _I can’t even get this fucking thing to work right!”_

“Tony, Peter doesn’t hate you-!”

“He said so himself!”

“Tony, _you_ said you hated me, and you didn’t mean it!”

The inventor paused, turning around. “When did I do that?”

“While you were fourteen.” Steve flushed a bit, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “There’s... there’s, um, something else I need to talk to you involving that... ‘s why I came down here, actually.”

Tony sighed, leaning back against the table.

“Shoot.”

The soldier swallowed hard.

“Um... did you, possibly... did you have a crush on me when you were a teenager?”

Tony’s eyes widened, his hand slipping off of the table.

“I, uh, I, what, you- How did you find- I- What?!” The inventor babbled on as he turned red from his chin to the roots of his hair.

“You, um, well, while you were fourteen... it was kind of obvious.”

Tony groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Well, that’s just fucking _great.”_

“I’m... I’m guessing you did, huh?”

“... Yes. It- It was a long time ago, don’t worry, I don’t... I don’t have a _thing_ for you anymore, so there’s no need to get, y’know, _offended-!”_

“Wait, what?” Steve asked, trying to ignore the little pang that when through him when Tony said that he didn’t have feelings for him anymore. “Why would I be _offended?”_

“Uh, because you’re from the Forties? People like me weren’t exactly _liked_ back then.”

The soldier crossed his arms. “People like you.”

“Yeah, pansexuals. You know what pansexuality is, right?”

“Sexual attraction regardless of gender identity, yeah, I got it. Are you trying to say that you think I’m _homophobic?”_

“I’m saying that you’re a product of your time. I get that I probably made you uncomfortable, and I promise that it won’t happen-!”

Tony suddenly found himself shutting up, his mind going blank when Steve grabbed his face and pressed a kiss to it that was half on his cheek, half on his lips.

“I am _not_ homophobic, Tony. I have _never_ been homophobic- I was in the army, I worked with guys like you, and most them kicked just as much ass as I did. I only brought it up because I didn’t want you to have to hear it from someone else.”

“... guh...”

“You’re my _friend_ , Tony. The fact that you _used_ to have a crush on me isn’t gonna change that. And frankly? I’m a little offended that you thought it would.”

With that, the soldier stormed out of the workshop, leaving a blushing billionaire in his midst.

It wasn’t until he’d reached the communal floor that it hit him.

_Oh, crap._

“Dude, you okay? You just started _blushing_ all of a sudden.” Clint asked.

* * *

“I still can’t believe _you_ met Tony Stark before _I_ did!”

Simmons rolled her eyes for the third time that evening.

“You’re not even an _engineer,_ why didn’t _I_ get to meet... uh...”

“Him?”

“Right, that.”

She sighed, leaning over and ruffling her partner’s hair.

“Sorry, Fitz, it just worked out that way.”

The engineer pouted. “‘S not fair. You got to meet _my_ idol _and_ spend time with your new... new...”

“Best friend?”

“No, that’s not it...”

“Girlfriend?” Skye chimed in.

“That’s it!”

“What?!” Simmons squeaked, turning bright red. “Wh- no! No, no, Bobbi- _No!”_

Fitz gave her a look. “Jemma. We all know.”

“Th-There’s nothing to know!”

 _“Koenig_ knows!”

“Koenig is wrong! Y-You’re all wrong, and I am _leaving,_ goodbye!”

Just as the British woman was about to leave, though, Bobbi walked in, the two colliding.

“Whoops. Sorry, Simmons.”

Simmons turned bright red, letting out a short squeak before fleeing.

“What’s with her?”

Both Skye and Fitz shrugged innocently.

“Hm. Well, I’m just here to check on the sample-!”

Suddenly, her phone chimed. Bobbi groaned, digging it out of her pocket.

“Dammit, Clint.”

“What’s up?” Fitz asked as he took a step towards her.

“Oh, nothing. Hawkeye’s just an asshol- HEY!”

“‘Nice work faking out Cap, “Dr. Rizzoli”. You and “Dr. Isles” are cute together’, winky face.” Skye read.

Another chime.

“‘I ship it’.”

“Give me that!” Bobbi yelled, reaching for her phone as it chimed again.

“‘Natasha says she also ships it.’ Ooh, the famous Black Widow thinks you and Jemma are cute together!”

“I am going to _murder_ them. After I murder _you!”_

Chime.

“‘Thor says that he also ships the “nice lady doctors”.’ Wow, you are on a _roll!”_ Skye teased as she ran out of the lab.

“You are _dead,_ Skye!” Bobbi yelled as she chased after her.

Fitz chuckled, gathering up his notes. He turned, then stumbled back, dropping them when he found himself staring into the eyes of a stranger.

“Wh-Who-?!”

“Fitz-Simmons?” The stranger asked, his voice husky.

“Uh... just Fitz, actually...” The engineer managed.

The man said nothing for a moment before shedding his coat, revealing a rather sorry-looking prosthetic arm, one that had _wires_ sticking out of a gash in it.

“... I don’t know how to fix it.” The man admitted quietly.

Fitz swallowed hard.

“I’ll... I’ll, um, go... go get Mack.”

****  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skye totally picked the doctor names.  
> Also, Bobbi wasn't supposed to appear in this fic, but then she was awesome and I started shipping her with Jemma.  
> Also also, I imagine Jen Walters being played by Rashida Jones.  
> Also also also, I don't have a headcanon actor for this Matt Murdock yet. He's being played by Charlie Cox in his new series (yes that is a thing, they are also doing Power Man and Iron Fist (separate shows)) but this Matt is much younger, so... I'll have to think about it.  
> And yes, there is a Punisher in this fic's universe. Or rather, there WILL be.  
> One last thing: Is there a Vision tag? I looked and couldn't find one.


	11. Frankly, My Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds himself adopted into Team Coulson, and Steve still has a thing for Clark Gable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bleh, I've got a stomach ache.

As an agent of SHIELD, Mack was used to weird. Weird was practically his job description.

However, this was the first time he had worked on something like a bionic arm.

The owner of said arm was quiet; his trenchcoat was draped over his shoulders, hiding the fact that he was missing a limb.

Fitz cleared his throat. “Soooo... what’s your... um...”

The engineer snapped his fingers, furrowing his brow in thought.

“Name?” The stranger finally said, speaking for the first time since Fitz had dragged Mack into the lab.

“Yeah, that.”

“... James.”

“Is... is that it, then?”

“‘S all you need to know.”

“Ah.” Fitz glanced over at Mack, who shrugged.

“So, um, James- may I call you Jim?”

“No.” James replied firmly.

“Okay then, James, um... how’d you know about us?”

“I know a lot of things. Comes up in my line of work. Or it did, when I still had a job.”

“And... that is...?”

“Classified.”

The engineer looked over at Mack, who sighed.

“How’d you do this to your arm?” The mechanic asked.

“Let’s just say it was kinda hard to quit my job.”

Before Fitz or Mack could question him any further on that, the door to the lab opened, Skye running inside.

“If Bobbi asks, I’m not-!”

The former hacker blinked, pursing her lips when she saw James.

“Okay, one, who is that, two, how did he get in here, and three, why is Mack tinkering with a bionic arm?”

“Well, it’s kinda a long-!”

“Skye, I swear to god, if you don’t give me my phone back, you won’t live to see your next... birthday-!”

Bobbi’s eyes went wide when she saw the stranger sitting on one of the lab tables. Without blinking, she drew her gun, pointing it directly at James.

“Hands up, _now!”_

James rolled his eyes.

“Hand.” He corrected as he raised it. “My other one is over there.”

“Bobbi, what the hell-?!”

“James Buchanan Barnes, alias the Winter Soldier-!”

 _“What?!_ ” Fitz yelped, practically scrambling over one of the tables to get away.

“You are hereby under arrest for the murders of Howard Stark, Maria Stark, Richard Parker, Mary Parker-!”

“I get it, I killed a lot of people. We’ll be here all night if you list ‘em all.”

Bobbi glared sharply at him, never tearing her eyes away as she walked over to the assassin.

“No sudden moves.”

“Please, if I wanted any of you dead, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you about it, now would I?”

She still kept the gun to his head as she secured him.

* * *

Coulson was not having the best week. Or month.

 _Year,_ really.

“Let me get this straight. In addition to the other problems I have, which include: rebuilding SHIELD from the ground up, undermining Hydra, keeping an eye on the crazy people who make up the Avengers-!”

The director paused, glancing over at Clint and Natasha.

“No offense.”

“Sir, we _live_ with the Avengers-” Natasha started.

“And Darcy.” Clint added.

“And Darcy. We’re well aware of how questionable everyone’s sanity is.”

“Right, then. I’ve got the Avengers, the US Army on my ass, one Hulk on the loose, another Hulk... what was she doing?”

“Talking to Stark about super-stretchy purple fabric. Or really, talking _at_ him; he’s being broody because Peter had a bit of a tantrum and said he hated him.”

“Right, that, plus a costumed vigilante running around New York City-!”

“It’s not a costume, it’s a red hoodie with little devil horns! And a pair of sunglasses! That’s not a costume, that’s something a middle-schooler would wear!”

“Barton, shut up.” Coulson sighed again. “I’ve got all of that to deal with, and now you’ve brought me the _goddamn Winter Soldier?!”_

“... Yes?” Bobbi replied carefully.

The director was silent for a moment, then smiled.

“Well done, Mockingbird. One less thing for me to worry about.”

“Wait, _what?!”_ Fitz cried. “But- But- He came up to _me!”_

“It’s true. Scared the piss out of him.” Bucky agreed.

“Wh- You did _not!”_

“Really? Then what do you call this face?”

Bucky’s eyes went wide, his mouth forming a perfect, upside-down “U”. Most of the younger agents burst out laughing, Coulson chuckled, and even Bobbi and May smirked a bit.

“Oh, you all _suck!”_

Coulson cleared his throat.

“In any case, well done to you as well, Fitz. Now, Mockingbird, Agent Hunter, please escort Mr. Barnes down to the cell next to Ward’s. We’ll find him a more permanent arrangement-!”

“Hey, hey, wait, no!” Bucky protested, lurching forward. In an instant, every gun in the room was pointed at him.

“... Really? If you haven’t noticed, I’m kinda crippled at the moment.”

The assassin sighed as the weapons were put away.

“Look, I... I’ve left Hydra. I don’t have any interest in hurting anyone anymore. I just... I want to figure things out. I want to remember who I used to be, and maybe if I’m lucky...”

He trailed off, staring at the floor.

“I just want to have my arm fixed, and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

Coulson didn’t speak for a moment.

“Fine.”

Everyone in the room turned to stare at the director in shock.

“Wait, what?” Simmons asked, sounding shocked.

“Agent Mackenzie, finish repairing Mr. Barnes’ arm. Agent Hunter, Agent Morse, keep an eye on them. You have permission to use deadly force if the situation calls for it.”

“Sir-!” Fitz started to protest as Mack, Bobbi and Hunter left the room.

“Agent Fitz, Agent Simmons, Agent Skye, please leave the room.”

Skye opened her mouth as if to protest.

“Agent Skye, I still have the cuffs.”

She closed her mouth, and with a quick pout she left the room, the other two junior agents following her.

Clint turned to Coulson, eyebrow arched.

“I know that look.”

“What look?”

“Don’t play dumb. That’s the look you gave _me_ when you first brought me into SHIELD.”

Coulson smiled, then glanced up at May. The agent rolled her eyes.

“Fine, but this is the last one. If you adopt one more troubled orphan after this, I’m going to start calling you Bruce Wayne.”

* * *

“And... that should do it!” Mack said as he finished attaching Bucky’s metal arm. “Wiggle your fingers for me, please?”

The former assassin did so, flexing them easily.

“Huh. Works better than it used to.”

The mechanic grinned. “Thanks, I try.”

Bucky hopped off the table, grabbing his coat and putting it on.

“Thanks for the help.”

“You’re really going?” Fitz asked, sounding disappointed.

“Trust me, kid, it’s better that I don’t stay here. You’ll be better off if I get gone.”

“Just a minute.”

All three men turned towards the door. Coulson was leaning against the doorframe casually.

“Agents, would you kindly clear the room?” He asked- though his tone implied that they didn’t really have a choice- as he gestured behind him.

Mack and Fitz shared a look, but did as they were told, exiting the lab quickly.

Bucky arched an eyebrow as Coulson closed the door behind him.

“Are you gonna threaten me or something?”

The director was silent for a moment.

“Let me tell you a story, Mr. Barnes.” Coulson started. “Once upon a time, there was a skinny kid from Brooklyn. There wasn’t really anything special about him, at least not at first glance.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“You know that I _lived_ that story, right?”

“I know. The skinny kid’s not the one I was gonna talk about. He had a friend. Now, this friend, he was a little shit. Insubordinate, snarky, stubborn, and altogether kinda obnoxious.”

The former assassin gave Coulson an unimpressed look.

“But even with that said, he was loyal to the end to the skinny kid, even when the skinny kid wasn’t so skinny anymore. Together, they helped create one of the greatest teams in history. And you know something? Without the friend, the kid never would have broken out of being the U.S.O’s dancing monkey.”

Bucky stared at the floor, saying nothing for a moment.

“I... I know what you’re trying to do. And it won’t work. I’m... I’m not that guy. Not anymore.”

“Maybe not. But maybe you could be.”

“Doubtful. I’ve done things, Coulson. Things no one should ever be forgiven for.”

“An argument could be made about that, but that’s not my point. My point is, that guy, the one that followed the skinny kid from Brooklyn wherever he went? He’s still in there.”

“A lot of people would say differently.”

“Maybe. I’m making a different call.”

The former assassin gave him a look.

“What do you want?”

“To make you an offer. Join SHIELD.”

Bucky arched an eyebrow.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. You want to start making up for what you’ve done? Help us take down the people who made you do it.”

He extended his hand.

“It’s your choice. You can go, or you can stay, and I won’t comment either way. It’s your life, Bucky. I’m just giving you options.”

The soldier glanced between Coulson’s hand and his face, then focused his gaze on his hand.

After a moment, he shook it.

“Welcome to SHIELD, Agent Barnes.”

* * *

“I’m just gonna say it right now: I think this is a _bad idea.”_

Coulson rolled his eyes.

“Yes, thank you for your input, Agent Barton, it’s very much appreciated. Now, then, does anyone else have anything to say?”

At the group’s silence, Coulson moved on.

“Good. Now then, Agent Simmons?”

The British woman nodded, walking towards the soldier with a pile of neatly folded clothes in her arms.

“These are for you. We had to estimate the size, but there’s a tailor we can take you to if adjustments are necessary.”

Bucky thumbed through the stack, frowning when he got to a particular article of clothing.

“The hell is this thing?” He asked, pulling a pair of blue boxers out of the pile.

“Uh... Calvin Klein?” Simmons guessed. “I didn’t actually look at the packaging-!”

“No, I mean... what _is_ it?”

“... You mean boxers? They’re... they’re underwear.”

Bucky gave her a blank look.

“You... you _do_ know what underwear is, right?”

“Not a clue. I’ve... I’ve only been remembering some of the bigger things. My real name, for example.”

“O... Oh. Well, um... underwear... Fitz, you do it.”

* * *

“I don’t like it.”

Natasha rolled her eyes.

“You have to wear underwear, Barnes.”

“I can’t move as easily!” The former assassin protested.

“You get used to it.” Clint told him.

Bucky glared at him, brushing some of his hair out of his eyes.

“Oh, that reminds me. Hold still.”

“What are you- HEY!” The soldier protested as Natasha got behind him. “Get your hands offa- Oh.”

Bucky blinked, pursing his lips as Natasha pulled his hair into a ponytail.

“Huh. That’s actually a lot better.”

“I thought it might be.”

Bucky allowed himself a small grin.

“You know, you’re a lot nicer than I thought you’d be. After what happened in DC, I mean.”

“Well, I’m off the clock right now.”

“And you were on the clock in DC?”

“Unofficially.”

“Hm.” He turned to Clint. “And what about you? Why didn’t you show up in DC?”

“I was busy saving Indianapolis.”

“I didn’t hear anything about Indianapolis.”

“That’s because I do my goddamn job.”

Natasha rolled her eyes, shoving him a little. He stuck his tongue out at her.

Bucky blinked.

“Oh.”

Both of the agents turned to face him.

“What?”

“Nothing. I just see now that Steve wasn’t being stubborn when he insisted you weren’t his girl.”

Natasha made an extremely ugly face.

“What’s with her?”

“Oh, she does that whenever someone mentions her and Rogers being a couple. Steve does it too. It’s a contest. There’s a small community on Tumblr dedicated to making gifs whenever they do it in interviews.”

“He has a folder of them.” Natasha mentioned.

“Yes I do, and they are _awesome._ Besides that, Steve and Nat would never date, even if I wasn’t around. Cap’s too head-over-heels for Tony-!”

 _“Clint!”_ Natasha hissed through grit teeth.

“What? He is-! Oh. Oh, um...”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Would you two relax? I already knew that Steve’s not a hundred percent straight.”

Both of the spies blinked.

“You... you _did?”_

“Two words: Clark. Gable. Plus, there was this guy back in the war- he wasn’t officially a Howling Commando, but we pretty much called him one- what was his name, uh...? Oh, Howlett! Yeah, James Howlett, that was it. Anyway, Steve totally had a thing for the guy, and we all knew it. There was a betting pool. Pretty good amount of money on it if I remember right.”

“Why wasn’t this ‘Howlett’ an official member?”

Bucky rubbed his chin in thought.

“Can’t quite remember. There was something... _weird_ about him, though. We called him indestructible, and I remember this weird noise, it was like _‘snikt’_ or something.”

“Huh. And... Clark Gable?”

“Oh, well, see, back in ‘39, _Gone With the Wind_ came out, and we couldn’t afford tickets, so we snuck into a theater...”

* * *

“We’re back!”

“Welcome back. How was ‘dinner’?” Steve teased, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Natasha rolled her eyes.

“It was fine, Rogers, and stop wiggling your eyebrows. It looks _wrong_ when you do it, and it _was_ just dinner.”

“Right, and Tony’s the President of the United States of America.”

“Well, I would be if Pepper had let me accept!”

Jen looked up at the sky. “Thank you, God, for Miss Pepper Potts.”

Tony stuck his tongue out at her before turning back to work on the tiny Transformer in his hand.

“What’cha got there, Stark?”

“... Peace offering.” He muttered simply.

“Ah.”

Steve smiled, ruffling Tony’s hair, but not pressing him to reveal anymore than that.

Clint’s eyes widened.

“Oh.”

“What?” Steve asked, eyebrow arched as he turned towards the archer.

“Oh, nothing.”

 _He’s got a type._ Clint signed to Natasha.

_What, you’re just figuring that out now?_

_Whatever. In other news, I’m never letting Peter near a horse._

_Clint, Peter isn’t Bonnie Blue._

_He totally is!_

_Wouldn’t that make Steve Scarlett O’Hara?_

Clint paused for a moment.

_Point taken._

“Someday, I’m going to learn ASL, just so you two can’t have secret conversations.” Steve claimed. “What’s in the bag, Barton?”

“Oh, well, Nat and I just stopped by Wal-Mart and picked up something for movie night.”

“Oh, really? What is it?”

Clint flashed Natasha a grin as he pulled the DVD out.

“I was thinking we could watch _Gone With the Wind.”_

Steve blinked, then turned absolutely _brick red._

“Wh- Uh, um, that... that’s a long movie, I’m sure... I’m sure that no one wants to sit around that long! R-Right, um, Tony?”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” The inventor quoted.

Clint had to try very hard not to bust out laughing when Steve managed to turn even redder.

_You’re terrible._

_I’m gonna try ‘snikt’ next!_

* * *

Tony grit his teeth as he stood outside his son’s door, his fist raised to knock on it.

_Come on, just... just knock. It’s not that hard, just do it!_

He still couldn’t move.

 _You spent three hundred dollars, five hours, and called in a favor from_ Peter freakin’ Cullen _for this, just knock!_

Tony screwed his eyes shut, then, leaning away from the door, knocked.

“... Who is it?”

The inventor swallowed hard, hiding the tiny Optimus Prime behind his back.

“It’s... it’s me, Peter.” He took a deep breath. “Can... can we talk, please?”

There was silence on the other end for a moment, and Tony was almost afraid that Peter would ignore him. Then he heard a soft _click,_ the door opening to reveal a nervous-looking Peter half-hidden behind it.

“... Hi.”

“Hi.” Tony gestured inside with his free hand. “May I... may I come in?”

The door opened all the way. “‘Kay.”

Tony smiled nervously, making sure to keep the toy hidden from Peter’s view as he walked inside. He took a seat on the floor, the boy plopping down across from him.

“... Are you still mad?” Peter asked after a minute, looking at the floor.

The genius sighed, running his free hand through his hair.

“No, I’m not mad, I just... what you did was _so_ dangerous, Peter, I got scared.”

“... He didn’t hurt me before, the first time we met.” Peter mumbled, hugging Bucky Bear close to him.

“I know, baby, but... the Hulk’s unpredictable, I can’t know that he wouldn’t hurt you, or even that he _would._ Bruce might love you, but Bruce also loves Jen, and I’m pretty sure that if Steve hadn’t intervened... the Hulk and Bruce aren’t the same person, Peter. And I’d never be able to live with myself if you got hurt.”

The boy looked up at him, his eyes wet.

“I was just tryin’ to help...” Peter said.

Tony smiled sadly, crawling over and pulling his son close to his chest.

“I know you were, honey, and your intentions were _good,_ believe me, but... I’ve been in battle with the Hulk, I’ve seen what he can do. It’s really hard for me not to worry about what might happen to you if... I’m sorry I got so mad, but I need you to be more careful, alright?”

Peter sniffed. “‘Kay... I-I’m sorry I scared you, Daddy.”

Tony pressed a kiss into Peter’s hair. “It’s alright, baby boy.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Peter took his glasses off, wiping the tears out of his eyes and grinning a little.

“What do you got behind your back, Daddy?”

“Aw, can’t keep anything from you, can I?” He pulled the toy out from behind his back.

“... Daddy, I’ve already _got_ an Optimus.”

“Yes, but you don’t have one like _this_ one. I figured that I might need a peace offering, so... I called in a little _favor.”_

He set the toy down, pressing a tiny button on its back. Prime immediately lit up, turning to face Peter.

_“Hello, Peter Parker. I am Optimus Prime, last of the Primes and leader of the Autobots. Will you assist me in defeating the forces of the Decepticons?”_

Peter’s squeals of joy could be heard all over the Tower.

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did Peter Cullen owe Tony a favor, you ask?  
> Let's just say Transformers Prime ended a LITTLE differently in this universe.  
> Also, if you've seen a post on Tumblr about Bucky knowing about Steve's thing for Clark Gable, that is mine. I made that post. It is one of my favorites.


	12. Scarlet and Silver, pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan hates his life most days. That includes today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be doing my homework. Instead, I am doing this.

“Shazam!”

Jen frowned, staring at her still-human hand. She grit her teeth, raising it up to the sky once more.

“Gamma prism power, make-up!”

Normal.

“By the power of Grayskull!”

Still normal.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight! Let those who worship evil’s might, beware my power- She-Hulk’s light!”

Normal.

“Okay, admittedly that one doesn’t really work... hm... To infinity, and beyond!”

Nope.

“HULK SMASH!”

Nada.

“Hulk... on?”

Normal as fuck.

“What the hell, powers?! Why don’t you work?!”

Suddenly, Jen heard a weary sigh behind her.

“Jen, what are you doing?”

The lawyer turned around, grinning when she saw her unofficial partner.

“Hey, Matt. Trying to, y’know, hulk out.”

“Why. _Why_ would you want to do that.”

Jen struck a pose, then remembered that Matt couldn’t see her.

“‘Cause I got Stark to make this _awesome_ suit out of the same material he made Bruce’s magic pants out of. My butt looks _amazing_ , by the way.”

“Didn’t need to know that. You mean the ones he won’t wear?”

“Yep, ‘cause he’s a spoilsport. Anyway, I wanna see if this thing really works.” She frowned. “But I can’t get my damn powers to kick in!”

Matt arched an eyebrow. “Jen, Bruce’s powers are based on _emotion_ , not any sort of magic word mumbo-jumbo. It stands to reason that yours would be too.”

“Yeah, but see, I was feeling a _lot_ of things the first time I transformed. I’ve got no clue-!”

 _“Avengers!”_ Tony yelled over the intercom.

The lawyer screamed, stumbling back. Within seconds, she’d transformed into a green, seven-foot-tall Amazonian.

“... Objection. This is the stupidest transformation trigger ever.” She muttered in irritation.

“Well, at least now you know what it is.” Matt commented. “Fear.”

“You’re fired.”

“No I’m not.”

“... Okay, you’re not, but I’m docking your pay.”

“I get paid?”

Suddenly, Steve ran into the training room in full Captain America gear.

“Jen, what are you doing? We need to go, _now!”_

Jen blinked. “What? Why?”

“There’s a situation over in Westchester County- a rampaging mutant. Apparently, he can manipulate metal or something.”

“... Goddammit, Xavier, is it too much to ask that you keep your boyfriend grounded...”

* * *

This was just not Logan’s day.

Of course, that statement really applied to most days Logan had, but whatever.

 _Chuck, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Letting fuckin’_ Magneto’s _kids move into the mansion was a mistake._ He thought as he dogged the front bumper of a truck.

_Oh, shut up, Logan. Hank, have you gotten all the students and the citizens to safety?_

_Almost, although I can’t seem to find-!_

Suddenly, a red blast of light bounced off of Erik’s helmet.

_Nevermind._

“Dammit, Summers!” Logan barked as he ran over to the teen, pulling him out of the way of an oncoming truck. “I told you to help McCoy get the other kids and the citizens to safety!”

“Yeah, and when the hell have I ever listened to _you?!”_

“... Fair point.” _Chuck, tell the kid not to be an ass._

_Language, Logan. Scott, he’s right. You cannot put yourself in needless danger._

_It’s not needless, it’s part of a plan!_

_What plan?_

“Hey, Lehnsherr!”

“... Fucking hell.”

Logan watched as Jean telekinetically threw a tree at Erik, knocking him into the ground, digging up several feet of grass in the process.

“Why don’t you make like a tree... and get outta here!”

The Canadian pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Okay, who let Jean watch _Back to the Future?”_

Scott looked at the ground.

“Dammit, Summers!”

“S-She used the puppy dog eyes! You know I can’t resist the puppy dog eyes!”

“It’s true, he can’t.” Jean agreed as she landed next to them.

Logan sighed. “Grey, when we say ‘don’t use your powers for evil’, we mean _all_ of your powers. That includes puppy dog eyes.”

The thirteen-year-old pouted, batting her eyes.

“Which, by the way, don’t work on me.”

“You’re no fun.” Jean complained.

“If you want the fun parent, talk to Hank. I’m here to make sure you kids don’t get yourselves _killed_ pullin’ stupid shit like this.”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

Logan rolled his eyes, then froze.

“Get down!” He barked, grabbing Scott and Jean and tossing them down before they could be impaled by the metal grating that had been around the tree.

Slowly, Erik rose, glaring at them.

“I told you, _stay out of this._ This concerns neither you nor Charles.”

“Newsflash, Lehnsherr, Wanda and Pietro are _students._ We wanna find ‘em as much as you do. Our way just doesn’t involve _killing_ people.”

“Your way involves waiting while my children could be being _tortured!”_ Erik yelled as he tossed the teacher into a wall.

Logan groaned as he stumbled out of the rubble. “If ya haven’t noticed, Erik, your daughter’s a fuckin’ _reality warper._ Hell, you can see that by lookin’ at a mirror or at your boyfriend.”

“Charles is _not_ my boyfriend!” Erik yelled just as Charles thought the same thing, substituting Erik’s name for his own.

Logan rolled his eyes. “Right. And the Pope ain’t Catholic. You’re not foolin’ anyone, you know that-?!”

The Canadian found himself turned upside down all of a sudden, Erik using his powers to repeatedly ram him into the hard dirt below.

“Ow! Ow! You always! Do this! When you want! To win! An argument! Ow!”

_Clang._

Suddenly, Logan found himself dropped on the ground, groaning in pain.

“The fuck...?” He looked up, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to stop dropping that man on his head.”

Logan rolled his eyes, tempted to let himself drop to the ground again.

“Great. Now the goddamn _Avengers_ are here.” He groaned as he got to his knees. “This day just keeps gettin’ better and better.”

“Hmph. Captain America. Come to save the day?” Erik asked, raising his hands.

“Duh.” He replied before shielding himself from the barrage of nails Erik tried to throw at him. “Avengers, assemble!”

_“Knock, knock.”_

Erik turned just in time to be nailed in the face by a repulsor blast, one that knocked him back several feet.

Iron Man landed next to Logan, extending a hand to the Canadian.

_“Need some help?”_

The teacher swatted his hand away as he stood up.

“Hmph. Not from the son of an anti-mutite I don’t.”

 _“Wh- Hey, now, that statement was taken_ way _out of context, and he didn’t know that the Sentinel Program- wait, why I am defending my dad? I_ hate _my dad!”_

“Join the club.”

“You little _rat!”_ Erik yelled as he stood up.

_“No, no, see, you’re supposed to say who’s th- oof!”_

Tony yelped as the mutant threw him into the side of an abandoned eighteen-wheeler.

_“N... Note to self... don’t borrow jokes from a four-year-old...”_

“I think the lesson here is, don’t take on a metal-manipulating mutant when you’re in a suit of armor.” Erik commented as he turned to the genius. “Have you got anything else _funny_ to say, Stark?”

Iron Man looked up.

_“Not really. But I do think that you’ll be hearing from our attorney.”_

Erik gave him a confused look, then turned around when someone tapped his shoulder.

“Hello.” A tall, green woman told him with a smile before punching him right in the face and sending him flying.

She wiped her hands. “The defense rests.”

“... Jen?”

The woman blinked, turning towards the Canadian mutant.

“Logan?”

“What the hell _happened_ to you?!” Logan asked. “Last time I saw ya, you definitely weren’t this tall! Or green!”

Jen rolled her eyes. Within an instant, the green woman was back into her old form, looking up at the mutant with her hands on her hips.

“A life-saving blood transfusion courtesy of one Bruce Banner. You like it?”

“Suits you. You’re already always threatenin’ to toss people through walls, now you can back it up.”

“Big talk coming from the guy who threatened to slice up a Sentinel for interrupting his game.”

“That never happened.”

“I can quote it. Verbatim.” She cleared her throat.

“I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do is-” She started in a gravelly voice, swinging her fist in an uppercut. “WATCH HOCKEY! WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT! WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT! It’s my moral right as a Canadian.”

Scott and Jean both burst into giggles, only to shut up the instant that Logan glared at them.

“Them’s fightin’ words, lady.”

“Oh? You wanna make something out of this?” Jen asked, poking Logan in the chest.

“Do you?”

“Maybe. You’re one of the only guys I know who can keep up with me, after all.”

_Logan. Still here. There are children present._

_“Anyone else hear a voice in their head?”_

* * *

“You know, I was under the impression that Charles Xavier was an older fellow.” Steve commented as they followed Xavier into his study.

The professor smiled softly.

“Yes, well, you can thank Miss Wanda Maximoff for that. Her emotions influence her powers quite a bit, and when she found out just how old her father and I are, well... “

He gestured to himself.

“To my best estimate, I am around thirty-three, and Erik is around thirty-five. Physically, anyway. We both retain all of our memories.”

“Unfortunately.” Lehnsherr muttered.

Xavier sighed, the wheels on his chair whirring as he made his way over to the other mutant.

“You know that what you did was wrong.”

“And the _humans_ stealing my children wasn’t?”

“Erik. We’ve talked about this. You cannot take your anger out on innocents.”

“Innocents?! After what they’ve done to us?!”

“Erik.”

Xavier gave the other mutant a rather sad look, one that reminded Steve of the look Jane would give Thor to get him to eat vegetables.

“... Fine. I apologize.”

“Thank you, Erik.”

The other mutant simply grimaced.

Xavier sighed, turning towards Steve.

“I am very sorry about this, Captain. He’s usually-!”

Suddenly, a book toppled down from high on the shelf, followed by a small squeak, cutting Xavier off.

The telepath sighed.

“Kurt, get down from the bookshelf.”

For a moment, there was silence. Then, a small, blue child dropped down from atop the shelf, landing on his feet.

“Why were you hiding on the bookshelf, Kurt?”

The boy, who couldn’t be much older than Peter, rung his strangely three-fingered hands.

“... [I just wanted to see the Avengers.]” He mumbled in German, staring at the floor. “[Especially Captain America and Iron Man.]”

Steve smiled softly, kneeling to Kurt’s eye level.

“[Well, you didn’t have to hide. I would’ve been happy to meet you.]”

The young mutant’s eyes went wide.

“[You... you speak German?]”

“[German, French, Spanish, and English. Natasha is teaching me Russian. Languages are kind of important in my line of work.]” He extended his hand towards the boy. “[My name is Steve Rogers. What’s yours?]”

Hesitantly, Kurt shook it. “... [Kurt Wagner. I’m five years old.]”

“[Five, huh?]” Tony asked, sitting on the floor next to them. “[I’ve got a son around your age.]”

“[I-I know. I saw it on the news.]” Kurt replied, twisting his tail nervously.

Xavier chuckled. “[You see, Kurt? Sometimes it’s easier to just ask.]”

“[And sometimes asking gets you hurt.]” Lehnsherr muttered.

“ _Erik._ [You are _not_ helping.]”

“[If I were trying to help, Charles, you would know it.]”

Xavier rolled his eyes.

“Logan, could you please take Kurt back to Ororo? I know that he’s supposed to be in class right now.”

Kurt shrank down a bit.

“[I am not mad, Kurt, you don’t need to look so ashamed.]”

“[I... I am sorry, Professor.]”

Xavier sighed, moving over to Kurt and ruffling his hair.

“[It is alright, Kurt. No harm done.]”

Logan walked over, picking the child up.

“C’mon, Elf, let’s get you back to class. If you’re good, maybe we can mess around with Hank’s chem set later.”

“He... he was _wütend_ \- I mean, _angry,_ the last time we did that.”

“What Beast doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

“But he _will_ know! He knows _alles_ \- I mean, _everything!”_

Steve chuckled as the two mutants exited the study.

“I didn’t know you spoke German, Tony.”

“I’m a man of many talents, Steven.” Tony replied before turning back to Xavier. “Cute kid. Didn’t know mutant powers manifested that young.”

“Technically, Kurt’s powers have _not_ manifested yet. His appearance, while a sign of his mutation, isn’t a part of his abilities. Those come in around puberty.” Xavier sighed. “And unfortunately for Kurt, that means that he’s had to deal with anti-mutant sentiment since the day he was born.”

Steve’s heart broke a little upon hearing that.

“I... I saw some of your other students. They’re all a _lot_ older than Kurt.”

“Yes, well. I met Kurt on a trip to Bavaria a few months ago. It’s... not a happy story.”

“I see.”

The soldier made a mental note to look into the mutant rights struggle. If little kids were getting hurt because of something they couldn’t control... well. Steve had never liked bullies, after all.

“Moving on, though, I’m curious. What was with the angry rampage?” Tony asked as he took a seat on the couch.

Xavier sighed.

“It’s my fault, really. Three of our students, two of whom happen to be Erik’s children, managed to sneak out of the Mansion last night.”

His chair whirred as he rolled over to his tablet, picking it up. With a few swipes, the device was projecting an image of a young girl.

“This is Rogue, real name unknown. She’s around thirteen, and has always been a bit... rebellious. Which really shouldn’t surprise me, seeing as she’s Logan’s favorite student besides Kurt. Her mutation is that she can absorb the powers and/or memories of anyone she makes skin-to-skin contact with.”

Another swipe, and another image appeared, this one of a young boy.

“Pietro Maximoff, aka Quicksilver, as he insists on being called. He’s twelve, and, like Rogue, quite the little rebel.”

“How so?”

“We first found out about him when he tried to break into the Pentagon. Erik, don’t look so pleased at that. His mutation allows him to travel faster than the speed of sound on foot. He mainly uses this to prank people.”

Swipe. Another image, this one of another girl, younger than Rogue.

“Wanda Maximoff, aka the Scarlet Witch, as Pietro has dubbed her. Like her twin, Pietro, she is twelve years old, and much better behaved. Her powers allow her to warp reality at will, although she hasn’t quite mastered the art of not letting her emotions influence her powers.”

The professor gestured at himself and Lehnsherr.

“Exhibit A.”

“What have they got to do with what happened?”

“Last night, Pietro attempted to sneak out of the school for as of yet unknown reasons. Wanda followed him, and Rogue in turn followed them both in order to, and I quote ‘drag their sorry lil’ butts home before they got themselves in a whole heap of trouble.’”

“And you know this...?”

“This morning, Rogue returned to the school in a rather beat-up state, alone. She said that Wanda and Pietro had been kidnapped, and that is all she was able to tell us before passing out.”

“So, what you’re saying is that we’ve got two missing mutant children, one of whom is powerful enough to alter reality itself?”

“That is indeed what I’m saying, Captain.”

“... Well then, Professor. I think we ought to get looking for them.”

* * *

Pietro slammed into the wall for what had to be the hundredth time that day, groaning when the sensors shocked him.

Not even a dent.

“Dammit!” He cursed, stumbling back. He glanced over at his sister, who was still out cold.

“C’mon, Wanda, wake up!” He begged, shaking her shoulder.

Nothing.

Pietro ran his hands through his hair worriedly.

He hadn’t even been going to do anything _bad;_ he was just going to buy his sister a birthday present, that was all!

_Why does the universe hate me?_

The speedster stood, bracing himself, then speed forward into the door.

Still nothing. Pietro let out a nasty curse.

“... language...”

The speedster gasped, rushing over to his sister’s side.

“Wanda!” He yelled, wrapping his arms around her.

“Pietro, what the heck is _wrong_ with you?! Why did you sneak out so late?! You could have gotten hurt!” She paused, touching the bruise on her brother’s forehead gingerly. He hissed in pain, pulling back.

“Aw, man, you _did_ get hurt! What the heck, Pietro?!”

The speedster grinned sheepishly, pulling a slightly-crushed envelope out of his pocket.

“... Happy birthday?”

Wanda arched an eyebrow, taking the envelope from her brother and opening it.

She gasped when she saw what was inside.

“Y... You got me tickets to _Wicked?_ On _Broadway?!_ Pietro, how did you _afford_ these?!”

“Oh, you know, I did a bunch of odd jobs. Walked dogs, cleaned out attics, mowed lawns, helped destroy important documents, y’know, anything I could get.”

Wanda rolled her eyes, leaning over and ruffling her brother’s hair.

“You are both the worst and the best brother _ever.”_

“I try.”

“Well, now _my_ present for you looks _lame.”_

“What did you get me?”

“This junky old Pac-Man arcade thingy I found on Amazon. I figured you might like to restore it- oof!”

“Youarethebestsisterever!” Pietro cried, tackling his sister in a hug.

“Oh, uh... you’re welcome?”

Just then, the door to their cell opened, one of their captors tossing a man inside.

“Hey!”

Pietro sped over towards the door, but unfortunately it closed just before he could get to it, so he ended up just slamming into it.

“Ow.”

“You okay?”

“My node id bleeding.” He told her, taking off his jacket and holding it up to his nose.

The man that they had tossed inside groaned, sitting up.

“I... I can take a look at that, if you want.”

Pietro eyed him cautiously.

“Who are you?” Wanda asked.

The man sat up, running a hand through his hair.

“My name is Bruce. I’m a doctor.”

****  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My excuse for having Erik and Charles aged down physically? It's happened to Magneto like a hundred times in the comics.


	13. Scarlet and Silver, pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several discoveries are made. Some are more painful than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, before I move on: while Agents of SHIELD Season 2 is not going to be followed in this fic (even though I'm lovin' it so far), I will be using some elements of it, such as Fitz' hypoxia and Bobbi Morse joining Team Coulson. Sorry for the confusion!  
> Now, back to the mutants and Avengers!

“Okay, the good news is that your nose isn’t broken.”

“Oh, thank _god.”_ Wanda breathed.

“What’s the bad news?”

Bruce held up Pietro’s jacket, now covered in blood. “You’re gonna need a new jacket.”

“Aw, man! I liked that one!” The speedster complained.

“Don’t you have one just like it at home?”

“Yes, but this one was from Kentucky!”

Wanda rolled her eyes.

Bruce sighed, leaning back. “Do either of you have any idea where we are?”

“Nope.”

“Not a clue.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Great. And I don’t have my Avengers comm on me, thanks to the other guy-!”

“Avengers?” Wanda asked.

“The ‘other guy’?”

The twins looked at each other, their eyes going wide.

 _“Bruce Banner?!”_ They shouted simultaneously.

“Y... Yes?”

In an instant, Pietro was in Bruce’s face.

“OhmygoddoyoureallydotheHulkthingandlivewiththeAvengersisIronManasmuchoffanassasheseemslikeheisonTVcanyouliftThor’smagichammeristheBlackWidowreallythatscaryinreallife-?!”

“Pietro!” Wanda shouted, dragging her brother away from the scientist. She smiled nervously.

“I am so sorry about my brother, don’t mind him, he’s just... stupid.”

_“Hey!”_

“Shut up!”

Bruce rolled his eyes.

“If you’re worried about the other guy, don’t. They’ve got me on some kind of suppressant, I couldn’t hulk out even if I wanted to. Which also means I can’t help you bust out of here.”

“Eh, no problem.” Pietro turned to his sister. “Wanda, do the thing.”

The witch rolled her eyes.

“Pietro, if I could do anything about our current situation, don’t you think I would have done it by now? I’ve only had my powers for like a _month,_ and I don’t really know how to _use_ them!”

“What about the thing with Dad and Xavier?”

Wanda blushed.

“That was... I freaked out, okay? Dad’s _old,_ for god’s sake, and- and we’d only known him for a _year_ when the powers showed up! I just... wanted to give him a little more time.”

“And Xavier?”

“I like the Professor. He keeps Dad grounded. The longer he’s around, the better.”

“Good point.”

“Anyway,” Bruce started again. “We don’t exactly have an easy way out of here. If they gave you whatever they gave me, it’s probably worked its way out of your systems by now. However, since Wanda can’t use her powers at will, that leaves you, Pietro. Do you have a plan?”

“Does ‘run around banging into walls’ count as a plan?”

“No.”

“Then I got nothing.”

Bruce groaned, running a hand through his hair.

“Great.”

* * *

_Malum prohibitum: an act prohibited by law, such as jaywalking, copyright infringement, illegal drug use, or illegal immigration._

Matt kicked the air, then turned and did a spin kick.

_Malum in se: an action that is evil in itself, such as assault, rape, murder, white shoes after labor day-!_

The blind teen faltered, just barely able to keep himself from falling flat on his ass. Matt grit his teeth.

_Note to self: Stop watching Legally Blonde with Jen._

He sighed, spreading his feet and pulling his cane into nunchaku.

 _Focus._ He thought as he began his forms.

_Nullum crimen, nulla poena sine praevia lege poenali: There exists no crime and no punishment without a pre-existing penal law appertaining. A basic maxim in continental European legal thinking. Written by Paul Johann Anselm Ritter von Feuerbach as part of the Bavarian Criminal Code in 1813._

He combined his nunchaku back into a single staff, using it as a ballast for an aerial kick.

_This maxim states that there can be no crime committed, and no punishment meted out, without a violation of penal law as it existed the moment the offence occurred. A consequence of this is that only those penalties that had already been established for the offence in the time when it was committed can be imposed._

Matt tossed his staff in the air, performing a back handspring, then a flip, all before landing on his feet and catching the staff.

_Therefore, not only the existence of the crime depends on there being a previous legal provision declaring it to be a penal offence, or nullum crimen sine praevia lege, but also, for a specific penalty to be imposed in a certain case, it is also necessary that the penal legislation in force at the time when the crime was committed ranked the penalty to be imposed as one of the possible sanctions to that crime, or nulla poena sine praevia lege._

He stuck the staff in the ground, swinging around on it.

_This basic legal principle has been incorporated into international crime law. It thus prohibits the creation of any ex post facto law to the disadvantage of the defendant._

Matt sighed, wiping his forehead as he bent his staff into two parts, slipping it back into the holster on his left pant leg.

_Switch to boxing. Hope Cap doesn’t mind if I use his ohhhhhh crap Radar._

“Wow...” The kid- Peter, Matt remembered- breathed. “That was so cool!”

“How the heck did you...? Nevermind. You saw _nothing.”_

“Nah-uh! I saw you bein’ _awesome._ Like a _ninja!”_

“Hey, whoa, not a ninja! No! No ninjas!”

“Why not?”

Matt sighed, sitting down on the floor with his legs criss-crossed.

“Trust me, kid, ninjas? They aren’t _nearly_ as fun as you’d think.”

“Fine, then, you were like...!”

Peter gasped, and the redhead cringed.

_Oh, here it comes._

“Are... are you...?”

_I can see the headlines now: NYC Teen Lawyer Revealed! An Interview with Peter Parker, the Four-Year-Old Who Discovered Daredevil’s Identity!_

“Are you _Batman?!”_

Matt blinked. “... No.”

 _I_ wish _I was Batman._

“Oh. Are you the Daredevil guy, then?”

“... Seriously, your first guess was _Batman?_ He’s _fictional,_ for cryin’ out loud!”

“Was I right the second time?”

Matt sighed. “Yes. I’m Daredevil.”

He heard Peter giggle, followed by the sound of tiny footsteps. Before Matt knew it, his hands were being held by a pair of tiny ones.

“That’s so _cool!_ Did you really knock out all those bank robbers an’ punch that Owl guy in the face? How come your costume’s just a hoodie and some sunglasses? Where did you get that neat cane? Can you train me in bein’ cool like you? How-?!”

“Whoa, whoa, kid, slow down!” Matt finally cried. _Geez, this from the kid who wouldn’t say two words to me or Jen this morning._

“You’re... you’re not gonna tell on me, are you?”

“Why would I do that? You’re a good guy! You stopped the bank robbers!”

Matt blinked. “Uh... because I’m a minor?”

“What’s a minor?”

“... Right, you’re four. A minor is someone who’s under the age of majority, which is usually eighteen.”

Peter shrugged. “I’m a minor, too, then, an’ I still don’t see why I would tell on you. ‘Sides, Clint says that the Avengers’ ‘fficial stance on Daredevil is ‘we don’t care’. He says that I’m the Avengers’ mascot now, so I don’t care neither!”

_... You know what, I’m gonna take it._

“Okay, then. You won’t tell them, I won’t tell them.”

“Cause I don’t care!”

“Right, that. Now then, to answer your questions, I did, in fact, knock out all the robbers and punch the Owl in the face. But he deserved it, he’s a very, very bad person. Don’t punch people in the face unless they’re bad, okay? And as for my costume...”

* * *

Tony whistled appreciatively as he looked around the room that contained Cerebro.

“I gotta say, Xavier, I’m impressed. Especially since you started building this ‘ol dinosaur in 1962. ‘S older than I am.”

Xavier smirked. “Yes, well. I’ve always had a bit of a fondness for old things.”

Tony was kind enough not to mention how he glanced at Lehnsherr when he said that. Subtle as a brick to the cranium, those two.

“Anyway, we should probably get down to it. I’ve got a feeling that if Thor hangs out with your kids too long, he’s never gonna want to leave. And then Jane will be mad at us, and that’s just no fun for anyone at all.”

Lehnsherr narrowed his eyes.

“Impatient. Another way in which you are like your father, Stark.”

The genius bit back an angry retort about how Magneto wasn’t exactly a shining example of patience either.

“I’ll admit, my dad and I have a few things in common. Dashing good looks, brilliance, smug asshole-ness...” He listed as he leaned back against one of the panels.

“But y’know, we’ve got more differences than commonalities. For instance, I like to think we’re _very_ different when it comes to how we raise our sons. And under my guidance, SI’s become one of the biggest equal opportunity employers in the energy biz. My dad, on the other hand, specifically barred certain brilliant people for reasons that can only be described as entirely bigoted.”

He shrugged. “But, y’know, whatever.”

Lehnsherr glared at him. “And yet I still seem to remember a certain someone presenting a plan for a new and improved Sentinel to a Congressional sub-committee.”

“First of all, _Erik_ \- can I call you Erik? Oh, wait, I don’t care- that robot wasn’t meant to be used by the Mardies, it was for the regular military, and secondly, it never even got _produced.”_

“Yes, I remember you saying quite clearly that you were shutting down weapons production. While you were sitting on the floor. Eating a burger.”

“I was a _prisoner of a terrorist group!”_

“So was I! We just didn’t call them that!” Lehnsherr yelled back. “You think you are the _only_ one who was taken from everything they loved, Stark? You at least had age and experience on your side when you were taken! I was _nine.”_

“Erik, Anthony, that’s enough now, both of you!” Xavier snapped. “You’ve both endured hardships, I understand that. And I’ll be the first to admit I’ve never faced such things. However, arguing about the past won’t help us to change the future. It certainly won’t help us get Wanda and Pietro back. What I need you two to do is to _shut your traps_ and help me narrow down the search!”

Both of the other men were quiet for a moment as the telepath

“... Damn. For a second there I thought you were a British Steve Rogers.”

Xavier turned around to face them, a pleased look on his face as he lifted the helmet onto his head.

“Why, thank you, Mr. Stark.”

“Great, now he’ll be _impossible_ to live with.” Lehnsherr muttered.

“Oh? Are you interested in living here, Erik?” Xavier teased.

The other mutant spluttered, turning bright red.

“Huh, now that I think about it, where _is_ Steve, anyway?”

“With Logan. And Rogue.”

* * *

“Y’all will have to forgive me if I’m a little bit unclear on what I’m s’posed to say.”

Steve chuckled.

“Just tell us what you remember, Miss Rogue. That’s all I need from you.”

The young mutant hesitated for a moment.

“I... It was ‘round ten o’clock at night. I was ‘bout to head off to bed when I heard that fool-headed Pietro tryin’ to sneak out.”

She sighed.

“I probably woulda just let him go, but then I saw Wanda goin’ after him. Now, Wanda, she’s a good kid, keeps her brother grounded-!”

Logan snorted.

“Ya say ‘kid’ like you’re _not_ barely a year older than either of ‘em.”

“Shaddup, Logan. Anyway, I figgered that if Wanda was goin’ after him, somethin’ had to be up. So I followed them, mostly to drag ‘em back home if things went bad.”

Rogue paused for a moment.

“All I remember is gettin’ to Broadway, an’ then... there was a guy, actually, there were a _lotta_ guys, and they did somethin’. I think they mighta used some kinda stun gun on Wanda, and I remember Pietro screamin’, and then... that’s all I got.”

“Do you remember anything specific about these men? Anything at all?”

“... Snakes. I remember there bein’ snakes on their uniforms.”

Steve’s eyes widened.

“S... Snakes?”

“Yeah. Something about hailin’, too.”

_Hydra._

The soldier stood up, forcing a smile.

“Thank you, Miss Rogue. You’ve been very helpful.” Steve told her, trying his hardest to mask the fact that the only thing he was capable of thinking at the moment was the word ‘fuck’ repeated over and over again.

Logan sighed, grabbing a tissue and pressing it against Rogue’s forehead with a gloved hand. He then pressed a kiss against the tissue.

“Get some rest, alright, kid?”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard ya, old man.”

The Canadian rolled his eyes.

“I mean it. Sleep.”

“I know, I know, don’t get your panties in a bunch, Jackman.” Rogue muttered as she laid down.

Logan chuckled as he closed the door behind him.

“Sometimes, I get the feeling that if I had a daughter, she’d be just like that girl.”

Steve didn’t answer, instead staring at the mutant.

“What?” He asked, picking up a water bottle. “Somethin’ on my face?”

“Hm? Oh, no, it’s just... sorry, but you wouldn’t happen to be related to a guy named James Howlett, would you?”

Logan snorted. “Buddy, even if I am, I wouldn’t know. My memories go back about five years. Before that? I don’t know shit about myself. Only thing I do know is that I’m Canadian and my real name’s probably not Logan.”

“O-Oh. Oh, um, sorry, I just... sorry, you just look a whole lot like someone I knew back in the War.”

“Hmm.”

_Snikt._

Steve’s eyes went wide, his heart stopping when he heard that familiar sound.

_“Holy-!” The soldier stumbled back, nearly toppling over some supply crates._

_Howlett threw back his head in laughter._

_“Shit, I always love the look on people’s faces the first time they see it.”_

_Steve glared at him. “You’re weird.”_

_“So’re you, don’t hear me complainin’ about it.”_

_The captain hesitated for a moment, then scooted a bit closer to the Canadian._

_“Can... can I...?”_

_Howlett rolled his eyes. He lifted his hand, displaying the bone claws proudly as he took a swig of his beer._

_“Knock yourself out, kid.”_

_“Come on, you’re not_ that _much older than me.”_

_The Canadian chuckled humorlessly._

_“Cap, I’ve been around a_ lot _longer than you think.”_

_The soldier gave him a look, but let it slide, instead choosing to peer at Howlett’s claws._

_“Does... does it hurt when they come out?”_

_“Every damn time. Hurts goin’ in, too. You learn to ignore it.”_

_Howlett chuckled._

_“What’s the matter, Cap, you never seen a guy with bone claws before?”_

“What’s the matter, Cap, you never seen a guy with metal claws before?”

Steve swallowed hard, staring at the mutant.

“I...”

Just then, Jen passed by, sashaying her hips as she walked past Logan and turned the corner.

“You know what, hold that thought.” The Canadian said as he started to follow the lawyer. He tossed Steve the now-empty water bottle, which had gotten its top sliced off.

“And recycle this for me, would ya?”

The soldier blinked, his heart beating irratically.

“J... James?”

* * *

“Well, if we were to try and attack them here-!”

“No good, we’d never get out of there in time.”

Pietro sighed, grimacing as Bruce and Wanda attempted to find an escape plan.

They’d been at it for _three. Hours._

Honestly, the speedster was tempted to shout “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRDDDDSS!” at the top of his lungs just to see what would happen.

More than likely a lecture from Wanda, so he kept his mouth shut.

“I think there’s a gap in the guards at the Northeast perimeter.”

“Yes, but we’re in the Southwest, we’d never make it there without getting noticed.”

The twelve-year-old sighed, leaning against the door.

He _really_ wished he’d remembered to charge his iPhone. Even if his mom _had_ turned the phone setting off after he’d made one too many prank calls to Australia, at least he’d have his music.

_God, I’m bored._

The speedster looked down at his hand, letting it twitch a bit.

A little more.

A little faster.

Faster, faster, faster-!

Pietro shouted as he fell backwards.

“Pietro!”

“Where the hell’d the door go?” He asked as he sat up, rubbing his head.

He frowned when he saw the way that Wanda and Bruce were staring at him.

“What?”

“P... Pietro, you... you just fell _through_ the door!”

He blinked.

“What?”

Wanda rolled her eyes.

“Just- Just vibrate again.”

“... You know how weird that sounds, right-?”

_“Pietro.”_

“Okay, okay.”

The speedster took a deep breath, then started to vibrate, faster and faster. He leaned back inadvertently, and when he opened his eyes, he had rolled to the other side of the door.

“... Sweeeeeeeet. I am _so_ gonna use this for my own nefarious purposes!”

“Just open the goddamn door, Pietro!”

“First, _language_. Second, isn’t there a song about _closing_ the goddamn do-?”

_“Pietro.”_

“I’m openin’ it, I’m openin’ it!” He yelled before slipping on his goggles and speeding up to break the locks down.

“Who’s awesome?” He asked as he opened the door. “That’s right, it’s me-!”

Suddenly, an alarm started blaring.

“... Crap.”

The speedster grabbed his sister and the scientist, making sure to support their heads.

“What are you doing?”

“Supporting your necks so you don’t get whiplash.”

“... What?”

Pietro rolled his eyes.

“Whip. Laaaaaashhhh.”

“No, no I understood-!”

“Great!”

“I just wanted to know what you whoooooooooooaaaaaa!”

Bruce screamed as the kid started moving them at the speed of sound. Suddenly, they stopped just outside of the exit, and the scientist was well aware of the fact that the only reason his neck didn’t snap back was because of the boy’s hand.

“Pietro-!” Bruce froze, his eyes wide when he saw the speedster lying on the floor, groaning in pain.

Wanda looked queasy.

“I’m never gonna get used to that.”

“Oh that’s too bad.” A voice said, one that was cold and sounded amused. “Because you’re going to be experiencing quite a bit of that.”

A man stepped out of the shadows.

“I don’t believe we’ve yet had the pleasure of meeting. My name is Baron Wolfgang von Strucker.”

He smirked at them.

“And I believe that it would be in your best interest to stop fighting me.”

Wanda stood up, her legs shaking.

“Wh... What do you want from us?”

“Oh, my dear, dear girl. Haven’t you figured it out yet? All I want from you is your _power._ Simple enough, yes?”

She swallowed hard.

“L... Like _hell_ it is. My Dad’s one of the most powerful mutants in the world.”

“Oh, what, are you going to say that your Papa is going to beat me up, _Fräulein?”_

“Nope.”

Wanda lifted her hands, and suddenly they were cloaked with a red light.

“If you’re _lucky,_ I’ll let you live long enough to meet him.”

The witch raised her hands to the sky, and suddenly the entire warehouse began to shake erratically; the ground was glowing with a dim, red glint to it.

Strucker stumbled back.

“What the-?! How?! You can’t even _use_ your powers-!”

“I can when I’m emotionally unbalanced. Especially when I’m angry. And Strucker?”

She smirked, lowering one of her hands.

_“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”_

“... She does it better than I do.” Bruce muttered.

There was a huge boom as Wanda dragged her hand upward.

“Shields, now!” Strucker yelled just as the world went white.

* * *

Bruce groaned as he came to, holding his head.

“Did... did we get out...?”

There was a chuckle.

“Not quite, Doktor Banner.”

The scientist’s eyes went wide as he looked up at Strucker.

“A commendable effort on your part, Banner. But alas, what can one feeble scientist and two children do? Especially when you’re going up against someone like me.”

The baron lifted his foot, stomping on Bruce’s back. The scientist cried out in pain.

“Welcome to Hydra, Doktor Banner.”

He smirked.

"Or should I say... _Weapon X."_

****  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that Weapon X wasn't a part of Hydra in the Comics-verse (at least not that I can tell), but I'm fairly sure that SHIELD wasn't riddled with Hydra members from the beginning in the comics either. Besides, this is fun.


	14. Scarlet and Silver, pt. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pietro isn't quite sure how he ended up being the sane one, Frank is very tired of Matt's shit, and Tony Stark is not jealous. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my brain is just like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH" from all the news we've gotten, how about you guys?

Pietro woke with a start, bolting upright. His skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat, and his heart was racing wildly. The walls in front of him were blank; in every direction the speedster only saw white.

“Where the hell-?” He froze, his eyes going wide. “Wanda!”

“Oh, good, you’re alive.”

Pietro frowned, turning in the direction of the speaker.

A young, blond-haired boy, one that couldn’t be much older than that Wagner kid, grinned back at him from the bed on the other side of the room.

“I thought they mighta dropped a dead person in here by mistake. Again. You’d be surprised how often that happens.”

“Who... who _are_ you?”

The boy just grinned again, hopping down and strolling over to the speedster.

“I think the better question is, _who...”_ The kid poked Pietro in the chest. “Are you?”

“... Uh, Pietro Maximoff. Now will you tell me who you are?”

The kid shrugged.

“Who I am doesn’t matter.”

He suddenly turned away from Pietro.

“Besides, I’m sure you guys’ll figure it out soon enough.” He said to no one in particular. “Right about now, I’m guessing.”

“... Who the hell are you talking to?”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Quicksilver.”

Pietro’s eyes widened. “H... How did you-?!”

“Oh, I know lots of things, Maximoff.” The boy grinned a little creepily. _“Lots... of... things...”_

_... God, I realize that I’m not your most faithful... whatever it is you have, I forget, but please, keep this kid from murdering me in my sleep._

The blonde kid laughed.

“Aw, heck, don’t worry! I’m not gonna kill ya!” He frowned, suddenly looking serious.

“Unless, of course, you’ve got a habit of hurting little kids. Or if you say that the Star Wars prequels are better than the originals.”

“First, dude, the prequels _sucked_. And... well, okay, there was that one time I put all those little plastic giraffes all over the mansion and Kurt freaked out a little, but he wasn’t _physically_ harmed!”

To his relief, the other kid laughed.

“Oh, man, I gotta remember that one! Okay, we’re good.”

Pietro still made sure to keep his distance.

“R... Riiiight... Well, um, it’s been nice meeting you, but I really gotta find my sister.”

He jumped off the bed, facing the door.

“So... see ya.”

“Ah, I wouldn't-!”

Pietro sped forward, manipulating his molecular density so that he could pass straight through the wall. Instantly, an alarm started to blare, panels on the walls opening up and revealing six-foot-tall Sentinels.

_“Warning. You are in a restricted area, Pietro Maximoff. Return to your quarters.”_

The twelve-year-old rolled his eyes.

“Oh, _please._ What’re you gonna do, shoot... me...?”

He trailed off, swallowing hard as he saw all the guns pointed right at his head.

_“You have until the count of ten to return to your quarters, or we are authorized to shoot.”_

The speedster held up his hands as he backed up towards the wall.

“I’m goin’, I’m goin’...” He muttered, phasing back into his quarters.

“So. I see you’ve met the guards.”

“Shut up.”

* * *

“You’re late.”

Matt sighed as he landed on the roof of the 19th Precinct building.

“Oh, hello, Frank, it’s so nice to see you too. What’s that? Oh, no, it’s no trouble at all, it’s not like I’m in the middle of moving-!”

“That’s _Sergeant Castle_ to you, Murdock, and you know it.”

“Sure, Sarge, just go ahead and broadcast my identity so that _every cop in the building_ can hear you.”

He heard Frank sigh, and he was fairly sure the police sergeant rolled his eyes.

“Kid, the floor below us is being fumigated, there’s nobody that can hear us.”

“... Damn, you’re right. I _hate_ it when you’re right.”

Frank chuckled.

“It does happen on occasion, you know.”

Matt hummed, then frowned when he felt something being pressed into his hand.

“What’s this?”

“Goggles. I figured that, if you’re gonna be swinging around the city, you should wear something that _isn’t_ likely to fall off your face and hit somebody.”

Matt grinned up at the sergeant.

“Aw, Frank, you _do_ have a heart inside that ice chest you call a body!”

He bit back a chuckle as he sensed Frank’s heartbeat picking up. No doubt that the sergeant was blushing like an idiot.

“Aw, shaddup, I just don’t want you to get caught, cause I know that you wouldn’t hesitate to name me as an accomplice.”

Matt mock gasped.

“Frank! I thought we had something _special!”_

The sergeant snorted.

“Please, Murdock, you know the only reason I’m even helping you at all is ‘cause your old man asked me to look after you.”

“Jerk.”

“Punk.”

Matt gave him a lopsided grin.

“How’re the kids?”

“They’re fine.”

The lawyer hummed.

“So, what did you call me down here for? And make it quick, I left Stark’s kid with Foster and her assistant, and I’m sure no good can come from that.”

He felt a small folder fall into his lap. He picked it up, opening it.

“What do you think?”

“I think it’s a lovely picture of Paris, Frank. Have you forgotten that I’m _blind?”_

The lawyer felt the folder leave his hands, and when it came back it was opened to a page written in braille.

“Ah, see, that makes more sense.”

Quickly, Matt ran his hand over the page.

“... ‘Kingpin’? What, was ‘The Boss’ already taken?”

“I ain’t here to criticize names with ya, kid. I’m here to warn you.  You remember those goons you beat the crap out of last week?”

“Gonna need to be more specific, Frankie.”

“Bank robbers? Held a whole ton of hostages? Killed at least two?”

“Little more specific than that.”

Frank sighed.

“One of ‘em called you a ‘soulless bastard’ and you knocked some of his teeth out.”

“Oh, those guys! What about ‘em?”

“One of ‘em’s making a plea deal. Witness protection for info on this guy.”

“And you laughed in his face, right?”

The sergeant groaned.

“He’s getting the deal, kid.”

“What?!” Matt shouted. “What the _fuck,_ Frank, you’re giving this guy what he wants?! He _killed_ people!”

“Murdock-!”

“I can’t believe this! People call you _‘The Punisher’_ for god’s sake! The Frank Castle I know would never-!”

_“Matthew.”_ Frank stated sternly, instantly shutting Matt up. “Look, I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t think you’d run into him. But now... this guy, the Kingpin, he’s _dangerous,_ Murdock. Half of the cases we’re running right now lead back to him, and half of those are murder. And what’s worse? The guy’s a _ghost_. This is the first time we’ve gotten anybody working for him to talk, and the ones that didn’t talk? Their bodies were in the morgue a week later.”

“So?”

The sergeant jabbed the lawyer in the chest.

“So, I’m tellin’ you to stay away from him. In fact, I’m telling you to keep your head down entirely, cause I’m afraid that somebody’s gonna put a bullet in it otherwise.”

Matt rolled his eyes.

“I can take care of myself, Castle. I’m not afraid of this ‘Kingpin’ asshole.”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard what the news called you.” Frank sighed. “‘The Man Without Fear’.”

“Fits, don’t it? Y’know, cause I’m _Daredevil?”_

“You’ve been dyin’ to make that joke, haven’t you?”

“Nope, already made it.”

“To who?”

“Stark’s kid. He’s a smart cookie.” He chuckled. “Although his first guess was that I’m Batman.”

Frank sighed.

“Matthew, I’m asking you as a friend. Don’t get mixed up with the Kingpin. Just hang up the hoodie, and go back to defending people. In court.”

The teen was silent for a moment.

“... You know, my dad, he was a good guy. He wasn’t perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination. When things got tough, he did some pretty shitty things for some pretty shitty people. And he had his vices. The drinking.”

He paused, waiting for Frank to say something. At the sergeant's silence, he moved on.

“But when push came to shove, you know what Jack Murdock did? He looked those shitty fuckers right in the eyes, stuck both his middle fingers up, and said ‘up yours’. Maybe he got sick of saying ‘yes sir’ to scum. Maybe he got tired of seeing himself in his kid’s eyes and hating what he saw. But one day, he dug deep and found that part of him that used to be good and noble, uncompromised by the world.”

Matt slipped off his glasses, stowing them in a pocket and putting on the goggles.

“Jack Murdock wouldn’t run from the Kingpin, and neither will I!”

“Matthew-!” Frank started, but he was too late.

Matt was already gone.

* * *

Tony Stark was not a happy billionaire at the moment.

There were three reasons for this: one, Darcy hadn’t called him to tell him how Peter was doing in over an _hour._

Two, Clint was trying to "help" the Vision choose a name. By which Tony meant that he was suggesting all the  most ridiculous names he could think of.

Three, Steve kept sneaking glancing at that Logan guy.

Admittedly, the genius kind of understood why. The guy looked like a slightly more rugged _Hugh Jackman,_ for crying out loud, he was pretty damn easy on the eyes.

Still, the guy had the personality of a wet cat, and this was coming from somebody who _also_ had the personality of a wet cat.

What did that asshole have that Tony didn’t have?

The genius blinked, then quickly put his face plate down so that no one could see how red his face was.

No. No, no, no. Tony Stark was _not_ jealous of a jerkass Canadian Hugh Jackman look-alike, that was _not_ a thing that was happening!

Because that would mean that he, y’know, _felt something_ for one Steven Grant Rogers, aka Steve, aka Captain _motherfucking_ America.

Which he did not.

Anymore.

No matter what anyone (ex. Clint Barton) said.

He just... thought that Cap could do better than Logan, that’s all!

Steve looked at Logan again, and Tony clenched his teeth, resisting the urge to throw the mutant out of the plane.

_I wonder if Xavier would let me upgrade his plane so that it would get places faster._

_No. No I would not._

Tony nearly jumped out of his skin.

_Jesus, man, stop doing that!_

_I apologize, Mr. Stark. Have you thought of telling the Captain how you feel?_

The inventor felt himself blush even more.

_I don’t... I don’t feel_ anything _for Steve!_

_Anthony. Who is the mind reader here?_

_... Oh, fuck off. Besides, it’s not like Steve would ever... right?_

_Well, you won’t know unless you try, will you?_

_Uh-huh. So I take it that you’ve tried with Lehnsherr, then?_

_I-I, uh, I-! Oh, look at that, Mr. LeBeau’s blown up the statue in the courtyard again, I really must get on that, goodbye!_

Tony chuckled. Stark one, Xavier zero.

“Somethin’ funny, Stark?” Logan asked, eyebrow arched.

_“Oh, just... just remembering something Peter told me. He’s a funny kid.”_

“Really?” Steve asked as he turned around in his seat, a smile on his face. “What did he say?”

_“... Uh...”_ Tony said dumbly, wishing that Steve would stop smiling, because really, it was _very_ difficult to convince himself that he _wasn’t_ hopelessly in love with him when he was smiling like that. _“Y... Y’know what, it just... it completely slipped my mind, forget it.”_

“Oh. Well, if you remember, tell me, alright? Like you said, he’s a funny kid.”

Tony was _very_ glad that Steve couldn’t hear his heart thumping in his chest.

Logan snorted.

“Jeez, and I thought Chuck and Magneto were bad.”

Before either Tony or Steve could respond to that, there was a shrill beep.

“Heads up, guys, we’re closing in on the coordinates Xavier found on Cerebro.” Natasha told them.

Tony nodded, standing up.

_“Finally, some action. See you on the other side, Cap.”_

“Wait, Tony, what are you-?!”

That was all Steve managed to get out before Tony jumped out of the plane.

* * *

_This guy’s weird._ The boy thought.

**So are we, you aren’t complaining about that.** White replied.

**_I think he’s awesome! Did you see how he phased through that wall?_** Yellow cheered.

**Did you see how he got caught almost immediately after he left?**

**_Details, details._ **

_Dudes, shut up, we’re missing what he’s saying!_

“... and so then we were like ‘Bruce _Banner?!’_ and he was like ‘Yes?’ and then I _calmly_ asked him some questions, and then Wanda called me stupid for no reason at all, and then they spent like _three hours_ trying to come up with a plan...”

_**Uuuuuuuuuuuuggghhh, this is so boring! Seriously, he’s worse than the geeks!** _

“... and then Wanda was like ‘You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry’ and then she blew stuff up with her powers-!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, Flash. Your sister’s powers involve blowing things up?”

“Well, actually, it’s more like she can warp reality at will, but-!”

“Innnnterrestiing.”

_You guys thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?_

**... Oh, no.**

_**Yes! We’re finally bustin’ out of this joint!** _

The boy got off of his bed, slipping underneath and pulling up a loose floor tile.

“Uh... what’re you doing?”

“Congrats, P, I’ve decided that you and your sister- and the Hulk- are worthy causes!”

“... What?”

The blonde grinned as he got out from under his cot, dragging a backpack with him.

“You might wanna stand back for this.”

“Why would I-?!”

Pietro’s eyes widened when the boy took out some C4.

_“Why do you have a bomb?!”_ He screeched as he backed up against the wall.

“Why _wouldn’t_ I have a bomb?”

_Geez, this guy doesn’t know_ anything!

**That’s because he’s a normal child.**

_**I don’t really think a kid with white hair and superspeed counts as normal.** _

**He does when he’s compared to us.**

The kid pursed his lips as he faced the door.

“Hm... how much C4 is this gonna take?”

**No more than twenty ounces.**

**_What?! I hate the metric system! How much in American?_ **

**We’re _Canadian,_ you twit. Now, let’s see, uh... carry the seven-!**

“Dude, _forget_ math! Just use all of it!”

The boy ran over, grabbing onto Pietro.

“Might wanna start phasin’, Speedy!”

He knew that the other kid wanted to argue, but he didn’t, instead grabbing the blonde and pulling him through the wall just as the bombs exploded.

“Woo! I love the smell of C4 in the morning!” The younger boy yelled as he sat up.

“... You’re _insane.”_

“Sure am! What’s your point?”

He stood up, holding out his hand to Pietro.

“Come with me if you wanna not die.”

The white-haired boy looked up at him, his eyes narrowed.

“Tell me your name first.”

“Dude, I told you, it’s not important-!”

“Just tell me!”

The blonde rolled his eyes, staring out into space.

“Can you believe this guy?”

He looked back at Pietro.

“My name is Wade Wilson. I’m six years old, and I was born in the Ontario lab. I’m what the geeks call ‘Weapon XI’. I have a very specific set of skills- most of which involve fighting- and a healing factor that makes Wolverine’s healing factor cry at night. And also? I _hate_ these Hydra bastards.”

Wade offered his hand to Pietro again.

“Now, are ya comin’ or what?”

After a moment’s hesitation, the speedster took his hand.

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned I love Wade? Because I do.


	15. Scarlet and Silver, pt. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rescues happen, a Hydra base blows up, and everyone is very tired of Charles and Erik's thinly veiled UST.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this arc!

“Everything’s clear on this end, sir.”  The agent said into his comm as he looked around, keeping his finger on the trigger just in case.

_“Keep looking. We have Magneto’s children, after all, and there’s always our... special guest.”_

“Understood.”

Suddenly, the agent was tapped on the shoulder.

_“Hi there.”_

Before the agent could even say a single word, Tony lifted his finger, firing off a mini-repulsor blast that knocked the goon flat on his ass.

_“Bye.”_

_One down, god knows how many to go._

The goon groaned.

“A... All units, get to the Northeast end! We’re under atta-!”

Tony fired off another blast, this one a stun beam.

_“Nighty night.”_

He frowned when he heard the sound of footsteps coming closer.

_“Alright. Time to have some fun.”_

The genius fired up his repulsors, moving into a steady pose. Before a single agent came into his line of fire, though, the glass ceiling up above shattered.

“Cease and desist, or I will be forced to subdue all of you.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

_“Dammit, Vee, you_ never _let me have fun!_ ” The inventor complained as he shot up into the air.

“I do not understand how being ambushed by Hydra agents would constitute ‘fun’.” The Vision commented as they went intangible, the bullets fired by the gang below phasing right through them.

_“Whatever. Set phasers to stun, Data.”_

“That is a reference to the science fiction franchise known as Star Trek, correct?”

_“Yes, you got it, good for you. Have a cookie.”_

“I do not eat.”

_“I’m going to install a sense of humor in you if it’s the last thing I do.”_ Tony muttered as they both fired stun beams at the troop below, knocking all of them out.

“As you wish. While I have your attention, I feel that there are things I should share with you.”

_“Alright, shoot.”_ The inventor prompted as they landed.

“I have decided that I wish to be referred to using the pronouns ‘he’, ‘his’, ‘him’, and ‘himself’. Although I lack any sort of external sexual characteristics, I feel that I am a male.”

_“Alright, congrats, you’re a real boy.”_

“I do not understand that reference.”

_“Jarvis, can you pencil in ‘Show the Vision Pinocchio’ for me?”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

“That is another thing. With Agent Barton’s help, I have found a name that I believe we shall both find acceptable.”

_“Seriously?”_ Tony asked, surprised evident in his voice as he backhanded one of the goons as he tried to charge at them.

“I am as surprised as you are. Mostly because many of the other names he suggested were ridiculous, such as Dalek, Tom Servo, Cy-”

_“What’s wrong with Cy?”_

“It stands for ‘Cyborg’.”

_“Ah.”_

“However, he did suggest one name that I found to be acceptable. Virgil.”

_“... Huh. That’s actually a pretty good name.”_

“Indeed. Virgil Amadeus Stark.”

_“Wh- Stark?!”_

“Normally, the child shares their last name with their parent, correct?”

_“W-Well, yeah, but- Peter doesn’t share my last name!”_

“Peter already had a last name when you adopted him, and when given the choice you allowed him to keep it.”

_“... Okay, look, let’s talk about this later.”_

“As you wish. There is something else I wish to discuss with you anyway.”

_“Alright, what is it?”_

“Your attraction to Captain Steven Grant Rogers.”

Tony spluttered.

_“Wh- I-I don’t-! I’m not-! I’m_ not _attracted to_ Steve!”

“Every time the Captain looks at you, your face becomes flushed and your heart rate elevates. You are either attracted to him, or have a very strange medical condition.” Virgil replied in a way that made it clear that, if he had eyebrows, one would be arched.

_“... Sh-Shut up.”_

“Am I to assume by your defensive reaction that you do, in fact, have feelings for Captain Rogers?”

_“I... I’m not in love, if that’s what you’re asking.”_

“It is not. I am only asking if your feelings towards the Captain are not platonic in nature.”

_“... I... I don’t know. Just... I’m not in love, okay? Don’t forget that.”_

“The more you deny it, the more it sounds as though it is true. Interesting.”

Before Tony could start yelling at Virgil, the doors to the warehouse burst open, the rest of the Avengers (plus Wolverine) running in.

“Dammit, Tony, what were you _thinking?!”_

_“Uh, that there are two little kids possibly being tortured in here? In case you’ve forgotten, Steve, I’m a dad. Kinda a bit of a big deal in my eyes.”_

“I thought that the Maximoff twins were both nearly teenagers.” Virgil commented.

_“Shut up, Virgil.”_

* * *

Wade kicked out the grate, crawling out of the air vent. Behind him, Pietro slowly got out, gasping for air.

“The hell did you _eat?!_ It smelt like _death_ in there!”

“That’s what happens when you mix C4 and bean burritos, dude.” The blonde commented as he helped the speedster up. “C’mon, we gotta get something before we bust your sister and Banner out.”

Pietro gave him a look.

“What is it?”

“Well, it’s not really an _it-_ more of a _she,_ really. This way!”

The kid started jogging towards a door, the speedster following after him.

Wade put his finger to his lips, pulling a stun gun out of his backpack before tossing the door open.

“Howdy!” He greeted before firing.

There were several gasps of pain, followed by quite a few thuds.

“Okay. The people are unconcious.”

Pietro poked his head through the door, eyebrow arched.

“Hiya, kid!” Wade cooed as he walked up to a small crib. “How are ya?”

There was a giggle.

“Way! Way!”

The speedster’s eyes widened as the blonde pulled a small, tanned-skinned girl, around one or so, out of the crib.

“Who... who is that?”

“Ah!” Wade grinned, turning to the other kid with the baby on his hip.

“Maximoff, meet Laura. She’s my little sister, and the cutest dang baby on the planet.”

Laura giggled.

“Your... sister?”

“I know, the resemblance is uncanny.” Wade frowned, shifting the baby around a bit.

“Geez, kid, what have they been feeding... you...”

The blonde trailed off, his eyes going wide when he looked at the girl’s hand.

“No...” He whispered, fumbling for the clipboard on the table next to him. He scanned it, then grimaced and threw it on the ground.

_“Dammit!”_

“Whoa! Geez, what’s the matter with you?”

“They did it.” Wade spat. “The adamantium. They started experimenting. I... I’m too late, I...”

Tears started to well up in the kid’s eyes.

“Way?” Laura asked, sounding concerned. She placed her tiny, chubby hands on his face. “Way?”

“I’m so sorry, sis...”

The baby frowned, wrapping her arms around Wade’s neck.

“No cry! Way no cry!”

The boy snorted.

“Aw, Laura, it’s... it’s not that easy...”

Laura pouted.

“Way no cry!”

Wade laughed, wiping tears from his eyes.

“I’m trying, sis. Believe me, I am-!’

He froze, turning towards the door.

“Pietro. Take Laura and run for it. Don’t stop running.”

“What-?”

Wade handed his sister to the speedster.

“And I swear to god, if you stop before you get out of here, you’re a dead man, you got that?”

Pietro swallowed hard, nodding.

Wade narrowed his eyes at him, then looked at Laura, his gaze softening.

“I love you, Laura. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Way?”

The blonde pressed a kiss to the baby’s forehead.

“Go!” He yelled, pulling a pair of sai swords out of his backpack.

“Way!” Laura whined as Pietro sped off with her.

The blonde moved into a wide stance, spinning his sai around.

“Alright, you snake bastards, _come and get me!”_

* * *

“Let me out!” Wanda screamed, banging on the door over and over again. In frustration, she lifted her hands, focusing as hard as she could on blasting the door down.

Nothing.

“Dammit!” She screeched.

“Language.” Bruce reminded her.

“Shut up!”

Wanda sat down, resting her head on her knees.

“Why am I so freaking _useless?!_ I’ve got all this power, and I can’t even _use it!”_

She heard footsteps behind her.

“You aren’t useless, Wanda. Take it from someone who knows: your powers don’t define you. You’re more than just your abilities.”

Wanda glared at Bruce. “So freakin’ what? That doesn’t help us! I need to be able to get us out of here, and I _can’t!”_

The scientist sighed, sitting down next to her.

“Have you ever considered the idea that you might be trying too hard to get your powers to work?”

Wanda frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you’re so focused on getting them to work, you’re not thinking of _how_ to make them work. Try relaxing. Focus on _you,_ not on what you want your powers to do.”

The witch gave him a skeptical look, but took a deep breath, closing her eyes and holding out her palms.

_Alright, focus... what helps me focus again? Oh, right... eleka nahmen ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen..._

Suddenly, she started to feel sparks dancing across her skin, warm and tingly.

“W... Wanda? I think you might wanna open your eyes...”

Slowly, the girl opened her eyes, gasping at the sight before her. Red light swirled around above her palms, every tiny movement she made causing it to dance and twist.

“H... Holy _crap!”_

Wanda turned, facing towards the bed and concentrating. She shifted her fingers upward, and the bed followed, the frame creaking as it moved.

“See? You _can_ use your powers, you just have to relax.”

The twelve-year-old grinned, letting the bed fall back to the ground unceremoniously. She turned towards the door, holding her palm out again. Before she could start doing anything to it, though, there was a crash outside of it, followed by the sound of gunshots and electricity.

“What the...?”

After a moment, all was quiet. Then there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, anyone in here?” A woman asked.

Wanda swallowed hard.

“Y-Yeah, we’re-!”

‘ “J... _Jen?!”_ Bruce shouted, his eyes wide.

“Bruce?! The hell are you doing in there?!”

“The... the other guy might’ve tried to smash a Hydra base and ended up getting captured.” The scientist admitted sheepishly. “Wait, why’re _you_ here?!”

The woman outside didn’t speak for a minute.

“I... I’m gonna come in, but... just... don’t freak out, okay?”

“Jen-?!”

There was a loud bang as the door was knocked down, shattering into pieces as it landed. On the other side, a statuesque woman with green skin and hair smiled at them sheepishly.

“... Hi?”

Bruce’s mouth had dropped open, his eyes basically bugging out of his skull as he looked at the woman. He made several squeaking noises before his head jerked back, clearly about to scream.

“Please don’t freak out!” Jen yelled quickly.

The scientist stopped, his face frozen for a second before he forced his mouth closed.

“I’m not freaking out are you freaking out no I’m just very interested in the fact that my cousin is now seven feet tall and green how long have you been able to do that?!” He blurted out in one breath, clearly forcing a grin.

“Uh... well... remember the blood transfusion?”

Bruce stared at her for a second, then covered his face with his hands.

“Fuck me.”

“Ew, no.” Jen responded with a grimace as she walked over to her cousin, shifting back into a more normal form. She kneeled down next to him. “Look, see, I’m fine! I can change back!”

“I’ve ruined your life.”

“Bruce Goose, you gave me _super powers_. That is _not_ ruining my life. That’s not even _close_ to ruining my life!”

“You’re seven feet tall! And green!”

“And it is _awesome!_ Bruce, c’mon, you saved my life! I’m not mad, if anything I’m _grateful!”_

Bruce looked up at her.

“Really?”

“Of course! I saw the chart, cuz. I mean, I had to get one of the nurses to explain it to me, but from what it said, if you hadn’t given me that transfusion, I might not have woken up, and even if I had, I would’ve basically been a vegetable. I think have a super-powered alter ego is worth being able to keep living my life. So thank you, Bruce. Really, thank you.”

Slowly, the scientist smiled, spreading his arms a bit.

“Awkward sibling hug?”

Jen smiled back at him.

“Awkward sibling hug.” She agreed, wrapping her arms around her cousin.

“... Pat. Pat.” She added after a minute, actually patting Bruce on the back. The scientist laughed.

“Wait, I thought you guys were cousins?” Wanda asked, confused.

“Long story. In a nutshell- his dad was an asshole, my mom was- and is-  awesome, and we grew up in the same house.”

“Ah.”

“Excuse me.” Someone said from the doorway.

The witch whirled around, her eyes going wide.

_“Sentinel!”_ She screeched, quickly using her powers to lift one of the pieces of the door and hurl it at the robot. It hit them square in the forehead, making them fall backwards.

“I believe the proper reaction to this is ‘ow’.” The android commented, sitting up. There was a huge dent in their forehead.

_“Guys, we’ve got a- Bruce?! The fuck are you doing here?!”_

“I was-!”

“He tried to break Hydra and got thrown in a cell.”

Bruce glared at his cousin. “... The Hulk did it, not me.”

Iron Man sighed. _“Okay, save the story for later, we need to get- Okay, who dented Virgil?”_

“V... Virgil?” Wanda asked, surprised. “Why did you name a Sentinel?”

“I am not a Sentinel.”

“You’re not?”

_“Does he_ look _like a Sentinel?”_

The witch paused, then made a vague, wiggly hand gesture. “Lil’ bit.”

_“... Dammit. Vee, when we get home, I’m making you a new chassis.”_

“Could I perhaps have a different voice, as well? Matthew has mistaken me for Jarvis several times now.”

* * *

_“Warning. This unit is authorized to use deadly force. Surrender now, and no harm will-!”_

Logan growled as he sliced through yet another Sentinel with his claws.

“Here’s a suggestion, bub: _blow it out your ass!”_

“Howl- _Logan,_ I don’t think that robots technically _have_ asses!” Steve said before throwing his shield. “Heads up!”

The mutant ducked just as the disc came towards him, slicing off the head of the Sentinel that had been trying to sneak up on him.

“It’s a snappy one-liner, Cap, it don’t gotta be accurate!”

The soldier swallowed hard, trying not to think about how Logan had already told him that once.

Suddenly, the rampaging robots all came to a halt, surrounding Logan and Steve in a circle. One by one, they all crumpled to the floor, their eyes blank.

“... I’m gonna say that ain’t good.” The Canadian muttered, keeping his claws out in case of a surprise attack.

“In my experience, it usually isn’t. Keep on your guard, Jam- er, Logan.”

The mutant paused, looking at the captain suspiciously.

“Why do you keep doin’ that?”

“Doing what?”

“You keep starting to call me another name. Why?”

Steve swallowed hard. “Er... well... Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.”

Logan snorted.

“Rogers, I teach at a school for kids with super powers. ‘Crazy’ is a pretty damn apt description of my life.”

“Well, I- Wait, you teach?”

“What, you think Chuck just keeps me around cause I’m pretty?”

“N-No, it’s just... what on Earth do you _teach?”_

“Art.”

Steve almost wanted to ask if he was joking, but the look on Logan’s face made it pretty damn clear that he wasn’t.

“A... Anyway, I... the thing is, I think that you might-!”

Suddenly, there was a loud whirring sound.

_“Target acquired.”_

Both of them turned just in time to see a giant Sentinel pointing a cannon at them.

“... Aw, shi-!”

Logan’s curse was cut short by the projectile that was launched at him, knocking him back several feet.

“James!” Steve cried before he could stop himself, taking a step towards Logan before he heard another whirring noise.

_“Analyzing: Steven Grant Rogers. No active X-Gene found. Designation: No Danger. Return to stasis mode.”_

The soldier turned to glare at the robot.

“Not dangerous, huh? We’ll see about that!”

He launched his shield at the retreating Sentinel’s head, slicing into it. The giant android dropped to its knees, falling flat on its face as Steve’s shield returned to him.

Logan groaned behind him.

“Fuck...”

The soldier ran over to the mutant’s side, kneeling down next to him.

“James, are you alright? Can you speak?”

Logan turned his neck to look at Steve, grunting in effort.

“Who... who the hell is James?” He managed to mutter before he fell into unconsciousness.

Steve swallowed hard, his heart pounding in his chest.

_“Who the hell is Bucky?”_

“... Looks like that’s another friend named James who doesn’t remember me.” He muttered to himself as he slung Logan’s arm over his shoulder, lifting the mutant up with relative ease.

_“Cap!”_

Steve turned around just as Tony landed next to him.

“Where are the others?”

_“On their way. You’ll never believe who was with the Maximoff girl- apparently Bruce got himself caught by Hydra!”_

“Well, at least we know where he is now- wait, just the girl? What about Magneto’s son?”

_“He wasn’t in there. Thor and Falcon are still looking-!”_

Just then, something whipped past them, stirring up a breeze that nearly knocked Steve over.

“What the hell-?!”

There was another gust of wind, and when it subsided a young boy holding a baby was staring at them.

“... Okay, first question: Why is Captain America holding up my art teacher?”

“Pietro!”

A young girl ran up to the boy, wrapping her arms around him. The rest of the Avengers followed behind her.

“Thank _god_ you’re okay-! Why do you have a baby? Did you steal a random baby _again?_ Pietro, we’ve _talked_ about this-!”

“I didn’t steal this baby! And the other one was an accident and you know it, Wanda!”

Wanda gave Pietro a look.

“Then where the heck did you get the baby?”

“It’s... It’s a long story. See, there was this kid-!”

Suddenly, the ground started to rumble below them.

“What’s happening?!”

_“Jarvis, do a scan of our surroundings!”_  Tony paused. _“Uh-oh.”_

“‘Uh-oh?’ Why ‘uh-oh?’” Sam asked.

_“According to Jarvis, this place is rigged to blow in about... two minutes.”_

“... Uh-oh.” Steve repeated, shifting Logan around so that he was carrying him. “Alright, everyone, we gotta move!”

“Wait, we can’t-!” Pietro started.

Wanda grabbed him by the arm, dragging him out of the base.

“There’s no time to waste, Pietro, we have to get out of here!”

“Stop! There’s another kid in-!”

_Boom._

In an instant, the entire base went up in flames, every Avenger (plus the kids) watching it burn.

“... No...” Pietro whispered, shifting the whining child around in his arms.

“P... Pietro? What’s wrong?”

“... There was a kid in there. A boy. He was six.” The speedster swallowed hard. “His... his name was Wa-!”

There was a small explosion, and screaming was heard as something sailed overhead and landed in a nearby tree.

“... Ow... That... that hurt a lot more than I thought it was going to.” A kid mumbled.

“Wilson?!” Pietro yelled incredulously.

A small boy dropped out of the tree, rubbing his head.

“Oh, good, you’re alive. And you have Laura. Yaaaay...”

“How the heck did you-?! The building just blew up!”

“There are some things you’re better off not knowing, P. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna take a nap.”

With that, the boy feel to the ground, completely unconcious.

* * *

“You think that he’ll be alright?”

Xavier sighed, looking at the sleeping child in the infirmary.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if he’s ever been alright. From what Pietro has told me, Mr. Wilson has been part of the Weapon X program since he was born. He’s never known anything except for Hydra. And when I attempted to look into his mind...”

The telepath shuddered.

“I don’t really want to talk about what I saw in that boy’s mind.”

Tony sighed. “Poor kid. By the way, has Logan woken up yet? I haven’t heard anyone yelling ‘what’ at the top of their lungs, so I’m guessing he hasn’t, but I could be underestimating the guy.”

Xavier chuckled.

“No, as far as I know Logan is still unconcious. And I think that you aren’t underestimating him, if I know him at all.”

“Know who at all?”

Both the inventor and the telepath turned towards the stairs. Logan was looking at them as he walked down, seeming both confused and disgruntled.

“Ah, Logan, you’ve woken up. We were just talking about you.”

“Well, that’s never a good sign.”

Xavier chuckled, making his way over to the Canadian.

“Here.”

Logan frowned.

“Chuck, why’re you giving me bullets?”

“Those came out of the child in the infirmary.”

“Freaked Hawkeye the fuck out when he tried to pick the kid up.” Tony added.

“I’m sure it did, Anthony. Anyway, the boy in there? He’s completely unharmed, despite the fact that he was shot at least three times. And somehow managed to survive a huge explosion.”

There was a sly glint in the telepath’s eye.

“There’s only one person on Earth that I know who can do that.”

“... Aw, fuck, don’t tell me-!”

“We ran a test. Mr. Wilson and Miss Kinney are, from a genetic standpoint, your children. According to what I’ve gleaned from Miss Kinney’s mind- and yes, I did try Mr. Wilson’s first, it is not an experience I’d like to repeat- both of them were created using your DNA and surrogates.”

Logan groaned. “Great. I started this day single and childless. Now I have two kids, and one of ‘em scares you.”

Xavier smiled.

“Yes, well. It was bound to happen eventually.”

“You’re lucky you’re my best friend, Chuck.”

* * *

“That, by far, was the absolute _stupidest_ thing you have _ever_ done, both of you! Sneaking out in the middle of the night-!” Lehnsherr started angrily.

“It was ten o’clock!” Pietro protested.

“Don’t interrupt, you’re in enough trouble as is! What on Earth were you thinking?! Do you realize what could have happened if- Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! And- and very reckless! I was _so worried_ about you two, what on _Earth_ could you have been doing out so late?!”

“... Getting my birthday present?” Wanda asked sheepishly, holding up a small envelope.

Lehnsherr blinked.

“What.”

“I... I bought Wanda tickets to Wicked on Broadway for her birthday. I was picking them up.” Pietro admitted, rubbing the back of his head.

The mutant stared at them for a moment, then pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Let me get this straight. You two snuck out of one of the safest places on the planet, at _ten o’clock at night,_ to go into the city and pick up _theatre tickets?!”_

“Actually, Pietro snuck out to get the tickets. I snuck out to make sure he wasn’t doing something stupid, like robbing a convenience store. _Again.”_

“Oh, _one time-!”_

“One time too many!”

_“Silence!”_ Lehnsherr shouted, startling both of his children.

After a moment, the mutant kneeled down, holding out his arms.

“ _Um Gottes willen_ , get over here and hug me already.”

The twins grinned at each other before running over and nearly knocking their father over in a hug.

“I love you two very much. Don’t _ever_ do that again, do you understand?”

“Believe me, Dad, we have _no_ desire to do that again. Next time, I’m having Wanda’s present delivered.”

Lehnsherr smiled, releasing them from the hug.

“Good. Because you’re both grounded.”

“What-?!”

“For a month.”

“But _Dad-!”_

“Do you want it to be _two_ months?”

Pietro looked over at Xavier, pouting.

“Professor...”

“I agree with Erik, Mr. Maximoff, what you and your sister did was very dangerous, and you should be punished for it.”

Wanda joined her brother in pouting.

“... But... perhaps a month is a bit excessive?”

“Wh- _Charles_! Do _not_ undermine my authority!”

“Come now, Erik, Pietro _was_ doing something nice for his sister, you can’t punish him for that!”

“They got themselves captured by _Hydra!”_

Xavier quirked an eyebrow.

“Are you blaming your children for Hydra being evil?”

“No, Charles, I’m blaming them for breaking curfew! The curfew _you_ set up!”

“Yes, and I agree that they ought to be punished. However, a month? Really, Erik, they _are_ only twelve.”

Lehnsherr groaned in frustration.

“This is _so_ like you, Charles; you’re _always_ soft on your students!”

“I am not!”

“Yes you are! Remember the incident with Hank’s chemistry set?”

“Erik-!”

The mutant shuddered.

“ _I_ remember the incident with Hank’s chemistry set. You punished _Logan_ more harshly than Kurt, and they blew up the Danger Room!”

“Logan is an _adult,_ Kurt is _five!”_

“Blew up. The Danger Room. There were expensive things in there!”

“Have you forgotten that I’m one of the richest men in America? In fact, if Mr. Stark wasn’t here, I’d be the richest man in this room!”

“He’s right, he would be.” Tony remarked.

_“Stay out of this!”_ Both mutants yelled before turning back to argue with each other.

Clint elbowed Steve.

“Hey, look, it’s you and Stark as old men.”

“Sh-Shut up, Hawkeye!” Steve barked lamely, trying very hard not to blush.

Pietro rolled his eyes.

“Okay, that’s it.” He muttered, pulling his goggles down.

“And for another thing, I’m not the one who stole a _stadium-!_ O... Oh.”

In an instant, Xavier was out of his chair, being held in Lehnsherr’s arms. Both men turned bright red, seeming unable to move.

Lehnsherr swallowed hard.

“U-Um-!”

Suddenly, a small green sprig hit him in the face.

“What the-?!”

Pietro grinned down at them from above, holding a fishing pole that was connected to some mistletoe.

“Now kiss so we can all move on with our lives! Seriously, the sexual tension thing is annoying.”

“That better not be _my_ fishing pole, Maximoff!” Logan barked.

“Of course not! It’s Hank’s.”

“Hey!”

“I-It’s not even Christmas!” Xavier shouted.

A white-haired woman- Ororo, Steve reminded himself- sighed, raising her hands. Her eyes flashed, and there was a great _whump_ outside. Peering out the window revealed that the front lawn was covered in snow.

“There. Now it’s Christmas. Kiss already, we’re tired of watching you dance around each other.”

“Ororo!” The telepath whined.

“We all know, Chuck.” Logan said with a chuckle. “Hell, if you were anymore obvious about it, we’d have started callin’ ya Professor Xavier-Lehnsherr.”

“Logan, you are _grounded!”_

“I ain’t a kid.”

“I-I’m docking your pay!”

“Ya don’t pay me.”

Xavier groaned, then, turned to Lehnsherr, his gaze softening.

“Pietro, you are even _more_ grounded than you were bef-!”

Lehnsherr stuttered to a stop when Xavier put his hands on his cheeks.

“Ch... Charles-?”

“Oh, what the hell?”

With that, the telepath leaned in, pecking Lehnsherr on the lips lightly. The magnet-controlling mutant’s eyes widened for a moment before fluttering closed as he kissed the other back.

A great cheer came out of every single mutant in the room.

“Ah, now they’re _really_ you and Stark as old men.”

“Clint, I swear to god!”

* * *

“Try to keep those two out of trouble, alright? I mean, I loved working with Xavier and all, but I do have other clients. Plus, y’know, Avenger.”

Logan chuckled. “I’ll do my best.”

Jen smiled at him, leaning up and pressing her lips to the mutant’s.

“Later, Gaston.”

“After a while, Perkins.”

The lawyer shot him a smirk, swishing her hips as she walked away.

“Do you make a habit out of sleeping with your clients?” Bruce asked dryly as they entered the Quinjet.

“ _Xavier_ was my client. Logan was _not._ I don’t sleep with clients. Besides, Xavier isn’t my type.”

Steve chuckled as the cousins walked out of earshot.

“So. You and Jen?”

“Sorta. We drink together and sometimes- okay, most times- we do it. That’s about it.”

The soldier hummed. “So I don’t need to worry about you stopping by the Tower for dates, then?”

Logan snorted. “Hell no. If she wants me, she knows where to find me. That’s our deal.”

“Hm.”

The mutant looked at him for a moment.

“Ya know, you never _did_ explain that thing to me.”

“What thing?”

“Why you keep almost callin’ me a different name.”

Steve froze, swallowing hard.

“O-Oh, um, that... it’s... it’s nothing...” He lied as he walked towards the Quinjet.

“Nice try, Cap. I know it ain’t nothing.”

The soldier hesitated for a moment.

“... Don’t... don’t worry about it... Howlett.”

Before Logan could ask him anything about that, the door to the Quinjet was closed.

* * *

“Hey.”

Steve jumped, turning around towards the doors to the balcony. Tony hovered in the doorway, staring back at the soldier.

“H-Hey yourself.”

The genius hesitated for a moment.

“L... Look, there’s something... something I need to ask you, but... I’m kinda afraid you might freak out about it.”

Steve quirked an eyebrow, folding his arms across his chest.

“Have you _ever_ known me to freak out?”

“There’s a first time for everything, Cap.”

The soldier rolled his eyes.

“Just ask, Tony.”

The billionaire was silent for a moment.

“L... Look, do you... do you have a _thing_ for that Logan guy?”

Steve blinked, then turned a bit pink.

“Wh-What?! No! No, no, no, I-I don’t-! No, Tony!”

“You sure? You kept staring at him for like, the entire mission.”

“Tony, I don’t-! That’s not-! No!”

“Steve, it’s okay. It’s perfectly fine if you like guys, I mean, bisexuality is a thing! And admittedly, he _is_ hot; he looks like Hugh Jackman for god’s sake!”

“You’ve got it wrong, I don’t-!”

“And, yeah, there might be some assholes who try to make a big deal out of it, but c’mon, you’re _Captain America,_ you’re the _definition_ of patriotism-!”

“James Howlett!” Steve finally shouted, flustered beyond belief.

Tony blinked, looking confused.

“What?”

The soldier sighed.

“James Howlett. That’s... that’s Logan’s real name. I knew him during the war, he... he was pretty much one of the Howling Commandoes. And he was my friend, too.”

The billionaire stared at him, incredulous.

“S... Steve, that... if you’re right, then Logan would be pushing _ninety-!”_

“More than ninety, actually. He told me he was a lot older than I thought. And he was right.”

“What do you mean?”

“The only ‘James Howlett’ I could find was an heir to a large estate in Alberta. According to the birth certificate I found, James Howlett was born on January 12th, 1890. I found a photograph, too.” He sighed. “There’s no doubt in my mind that the James Howlett born in 1890 was the one I met in 1943. And the guy definitely didn’t look like he was fifty-three, Tony, he barely looked older than I did!”

“You’re saying that Xavier’s art teacher is an _one hundred and twenty-four year old World War II vet?!”_

“We called Howlett ‘The Indestructible Man’ for a reason, Tony. And the claws... they were bone when I knew him, but Logan has the same number and shape as Howlett did. Logan either is Howlett, or there’s a _really_ uncanny familial resemblance.”

Tony groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation.

“Cap, this is all sounding _really_ unbelievable-!”

“More unbelievable than a supersoldier frozen in time, the Norse God of Thunder, two green emotion-based monsters, two spies, and a man with a powered suit of armor living under one roof?”

“... Point taken. Still, how can you be sure?”

Despite himself, Steve grinned a bit.

“Because no one but James Howlett could be that much of an ass and still be endearing.”

Tony snorted. “Geez, Cap, you sound like you’re in _love_ with the guy.”

Steve rolled his eyes as he passed by the genius.

“Right. Whatever. I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Tony.”

As the soldier walked up to his room, though, he frowned, a memory pushing its way to the front of his mind.

* * *

“So, you’re really going, huh?”

Howlett looked back at him.

“Yep. No offense, Cap, but stealth really ain’t my thing.”

Steve snorted.

“Yeah, I know. Phillips still hasn’t gotten off my ass about Stuttgart.”

“Stuttgart wasn’t my fault.”

“I know some SSR agents who would beg to differ.”

Howlett rolled his eyes.

“... When are you gonna come back?”

The Canadian took a long drag on his cigar.

“Dunno.”

“You’re gonna come back, right?”

“Maybe. Haven’t decided yet.”

Steve hummed, leaning against a tree and trying very hard to ignore the way his heart dropped when Howlett said that.

“... You know, you _could_ join us. For real.”

Howlett snorted.

“Kid, you’re America’s Golden Boy. You don’t want a freak of nature like me on your team.”

“You’re not a freak of nature!”

The Canadian looked up at him.

“Then what would you call me?”

“I’d call you _gifted,_ James, because that’s what you are! You can get shot a hundred times and still keep going, that’s... that’s a gift from God Himself!”

Howlett laughed humorlessly.

“A ‘gift’? If what I am is what God thinks is a _gift_ , Steve, then I sure as hell don’t wanna see what He thinks is a curse.”

Steve grimaced, then grabbed the other man, stamping out the cigar when it fell to the ground. There was a loud crunch as he drove it into the snow.

“Hey, that was my last-!”

“You listen to me, James Howlett. You are _not_ a freak of nature. You’re one of the best men I know, and that’s saying something. The things you can do are _amazing,_ and I’m sure as hell glad that you’re on our side, because otherwise we’d have lost this war a long time ago. So you better not refer to yourself as cursed again, because I hate liars almost as much as I hate bullies.”

Howlett stared at him for a moment, the look in his eyes unreadable.

“Ah, what the hell.” He finally said.

Before Steve could say a word, the other man had taken his face in his hands, pressing his lips to Steve’s softly, gently. The super soldier turned bright red; he felt like he was paralyzed, unable to make a single move of any sort.

After what felt like a lifetime, Howlett pulled away, his cheeks just a bit red, though if that was from the cold or from the kiss Steve couldn’t tell.

“Heh. Not bad, Rogers. For a beginner, anyway.”

“I...”

The Canadian chuckled, ruffling Steve’s hair.

“Good luck on the train tomorrow, kid.”

The soldier swallowed hard, watching as Howlett disappeared into the woods.

“... Huh.”

Well.

That was unexpected.

“Hey, Rogers, get inside! You may not be skinny anymore, but I don’t want you freezing to death!” He heard Bucky call.

“Y... Yeah, okay, I’m coming!”

He took one last glance before walking inside, only able to think about one thing.

Captain Steven Grant Rogers, aka Captain America, the Star-Spangled Man, was probably just a little bit in love with one James Howlett.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, I've based a little bit of Wade's character off of the version of him from 'Ask The Little Heroes' on Tumblr. Cutest. Blog. Ever. Mostly it's just his relation to Logan, though.  
> Note on Laura: The version of her that I know best is the one from X-Men Evolution, who was a little darker than Logan skin-wise. With that in mind, I decided 'what the hell, let's make her mixed race'.   
> And yes, Sarah Kinney is dead in this verse. There will be an Ends and Odds one-shot about it.  
> And on the Gaston thing: Hugh Jackman once played Gaston in a production of Beauty and the Beast. That is my excuse.  
> Translation:  
> Um Gottes willen- For God's sake


	16. Savage Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is not allowed to have a dinosaur, and Matt is good at sneaking up on people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do an ASS-TON of research for this one, because I wanted to make the Savage land as accurate as possible.

“Alright, the transfer should be done... now!”

Virgil blinked a few times as he booted up, looking down at Tony with a blank expression on his face.

“How you feeling, Vee?” The inventor asked.

“... Fine.” He said after a moment. He blinked in surprise.

“Oh, look at that. New voice. Much better.”

Tony grinned at him as he took a few steps towards the android, holding out a hand for him to take.

“Like the new chassis? I put in a protocol for you to be able to morph, so you don’t have to worry about clothes.”

“I do. And thank you. Although I wonder if perhaps watching Teen Wolf while designing it was not influential.”

“Hey, Tyler Posey is hot, what can I say?”

“I do not dispute that he is aesthetically pleasing, although I personally find that Miss Maximoff is much more aesthetically pleasing.”

Tony blinked.

“Oh, no. No, no, no, no. That is a can of worms you do not want to open, my friend.”

“I do not understand how worms are involved.”

“Okay, so the understanding of metaphors hasn’t kicked in yet... look, Virgil, Wanda is the daughter of one of the most powerful mutants on the _planet!”_

“And the sky is blue.”

Tony blinked again.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, I thought we were saying things that didn’t matter.” The android replied, arching an eyebrow.

“... And there’s that sense of humor. Virgil-!”

“I did not say I wish to do anything with Miss Maximoff, I simply stated that I find her to be beautiful. And even if I did, I do not see how the identity of her father has any bearing on what Miss Maximoff does or does not do. She is her own person, isn’t she?”

“... Fair point. Okay, fine, date Magneto’s daughter if you want, but don’t blame me if you end up a big ball of metal.”

“I would be unable to blame you in such a situation, because I would be dead.” Virgil replied, more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Tony rolled his eyes.

“This is changing the subject, but have you thought about what we discussed the day after I was activated?”

The genius hesitated for a second, considering what he wanted to say carefully.

“I... I have. And I talked to Peter about it, but... he says that he wants a puppy first, then he’ll be okay with a brother.”

“I see.”

Tony snorted. “I told him he’s getting a brother, and there will not be any puppies in this... house...”

The inventor frowned when he saw that he was alone.

“Virgil?”

No answer.

“The hell...? That’s it, I’m putting a bell on that guy.” He muttered, sitting down and turning back to his computer.

Tony was just about to start the blueprints on a new project when he heard something clattering on the floor behind him. The genius frowned, spinning around in his chair.

His eyes went wide when he saw the silver cannister on the floor.

“Oh, that can’t be-!”

The cannister opened up, hissing as it released a grey gas all over the lab. Tony started coughing uncontrollably. His lungs felt like they were on fire as he fell to the floor, his vision starting to go black around the same time that he started to lose all feeling in his fingers and toes.

Just before the genius lost consciousness, he saw a pair of nice, black shoes slowly making their way towards him.

* * *

 

“...ony... Tony, come on, wake up...”

The brunet vaguely registered that he was laying on the grass, a pair of big, warm hands on his chest.

“Stark, come on, I need you...”

Tony coughed weakly, slowly opening his eyes to find himself staring right at one Steve Rogers.

A very worried looking Steve Rogers.

Who was basically on top of him.

For some reason.

“S... Steve...?” He managed, trying very hard not to turn bright red.

The soldier sighed in relief.

“Oh, thank _god._ I was so worried, Tony, you wouldn’t wake up-!”

“Steve...”

“And you were barely breathing-!”

_“Steve...”_

“I could barely find a heartbeat-!”

_“Steve!”_ Tony finally shouted, surprising the other man.

“What?”

“Could you please get off of me?”

Steve blinked, then turned a bit pink.

“O... Oh. Um.” He grinned sheepishly as he got off of the inventor, bumping into his shield. “Sorry.”

Tony sighed, running a hand through his hair as he sat up.

“It’s... it’s fine, just...”

He blinked, looking around.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are we?”

The soldier frowned, glancing at their surroundings and looking surprised.

“Oh, uh... y’know, I actually didn’t notice that until you pointed it out.”

“You didn’t notice that we’re in the middle of a friggin’ _jungle?”_

“I’m sorry, I was kind of focused on the fact that you were breathing shallowly!”

Tony rolled his eyes as he stood up.

“Jarvis, what’s our location?” He said into his watch.

He received only static as a response.

“Jarvis, status.”

Static.

“Huh. Okay.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Well, either Jarvis is broken- unlikely- or we’re out of range.”

“We’re... out of range.”

“Yep.”

“Tony, you literally went under water with Jarvis once, how are we out of range?”

“Well, Cap, as I see it there are three possibilities. One, we’re in Latveria, which is unlikely since this looks nothing like Latveria.”

“Why would Jarvis be out of range in Latveria?”

“Because Doom is an ass who likes to mess with my tech. I could probably get around it, but I don’t really visit Latveria often enough for it to be worth it. Now, option two is that we’re in Antarctica.”

The genius gestured at their surroundings.

“As you can see, probably not Antarctica. And before you ask, Antarctica is out of range because the cold does, in fact, bother me. And finally, option three, and which is, strangely enough, the most plausible possibility at this point: we are no longer on planet Earth.”

“You’re... you’re saying that you think we’re on another planet?”

“Well, out of the three possible scenarios for Jarvis being unreachable, it’s the only one that really makes sense.”

“Us being on an alien planet makes _sense?!”_

Tony threw his hands up in the air.

“I got knocked out by mystery gas and woke up in the middle of a jungle, what do you want from me?!”

“Something _plausible!”_

“Oh, come on, Thor’s basically an alien, you’re saying you don’t believe?”

Steve groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Tony, whether or not I believe in aliens is pretty irrelevant to our current situation. I really doubt that we’re on an alien planet.”

“Well, then just where the hell do you think we are?!”

“I don’t know! The rainforest, maybe?”

Tony snorted.

“Cap, Jarvis reaches the rainforests. All of them. I checked.”

The soldier sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Look, I... I just have a feeling we’re still on Earth.”

“A feeling?”

“Yes.”

Tony arched an eyebrow, but before he could say a single word, the trees behind them started to shake, the ground rumbling as the sound of footsteps came closer and closer.

“Get down!” Steve barked as he all but tackled Tony, getting both of them out of the way just as a pack of what could only be described as _hadrosaurs_ ran past them, screeching noisily.

“... Please tell me you also saw the dinosaurs and I’m not going crazy.” Tony said weakly after a moment.

“You’re... you’re not going crazy.” Steve confirmed. “Those were definitely dinosaurs.”

“... Steve?”

“Yes?”

_“Why are there dinosaurs.”_

“I... I don’t know, I was kind of hoping that no one told be about the part of history where dinosaurs were brought back from extinction.”

“No, you didn’t miss that, because up until this moment I was also under the impression that dinosaurs were extinct.”

“Damn.”

The soldier stood up, holding out his hand to help Tony do the same.

“Okay. So. There are dinosaurs. New theory: Alternate dimension.” The inventor stated as he grabbed Steve’s hand and got up.

“Honestly, I’m starting to think that might be possible.”

“Because of the dinosaurs?”

“Because of the dinosaurs.”

Tony pursed his lips in thought.

“... Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“How mad do you think Pepper would be if I were to, say, steal a dino egg and take it back home with me?”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“Very mad, and you wouldn’t let your kid have a _puppy,_ how do you think Peter will feel if you bring home a _dinosaur?”_

“Well, I’m not gonna keep it! I’ll give it to a zoo!”

“Tony, do you actually think there’s a zoo capable of containing and caring for a dinosaur?”

“... Point taken.”

The soldier sighed again.

“Okay, so we’re stuck in a jungle where there are dinosaurs. We have no way of contacting anyone. For all we know, we’re the only non-dinosaurs in this place. What do we do-?!”

There was a huge roar behind them, cutting Steve off.

“... Well, this is just a suggestion, but maybe we can try to _not_ get eaten by whatever that is?”

The trees behind them started to shake.

“Yeah, I like that idea!” Steve agreed quickly as he moved towards the inventor. Tony yelped as the soldier swept him off his feet and put him into a bridal carry, turning bright red as Steve started sprinting away from the oncoming footsteps.

* * *

 

“Thor?” Jane called as she walked into the kitchen. There was no sign of her Asgardian boyfriend as she peered around the corner.

“Damn. I thought for sure he’d be in here.” She complained, folding her arms. The scientist rubbed her ever-so-slightly protruding stomach absently as she tried to think of where else she hadn’t checked.

“Looking for someone?”

Jane yelped, turning towards the speaker in shock.

“O-Oh, Matt! You scared me!”

“Sorry. I’ve been told that I have a tendency to sneak up on people.”

The scientist sighed, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear.

“It’s... it’s fine. You haven’t seen Thor, have you?”

“Oh, of course I have! Two hundred feet tall, green scales, rose out of the depths of the sea to terrorize the citizens of Tokyo, right?”

Matt then waved his hand in front of his face.

“... Was that really necessary?”

“Hey, I can be mopey about being blind, or I can make jokes. Your choices.”

“... Fine, make jokes if you have to.”

“I do. Anyway, I haven’t heard from Thor in a while. Actually, I haven’t heard from any of the Avengers in a while.”

Just then, Clint walked in, carrying a bag of chips.

“... What?”

“Okay, now I _have_ heard from an Avenger. In the loosest sense of the word.”

“Hey!”

Jane rolled her eyes, turning to the archer.

“Clint, have you see Thor? I’ve been looking everywhere for him.”

“Nope, sorry.” He paused for a moment. “Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t really seen anyone for a while.”

“Weird. Is there a mission?”

“Nah, I’ve had my comm in all day. Plus, no alarm, so...”

“Don’t you wear hearing aids?” Matt asked.

“The comm is part of my hearing aid.” The archer frowned. “Did you check the lab?”

“I sent Darcy down to check, I figured that we might actually be able to find Thor if we divide and conquer. You seriously haven’t seen anyone?”

“Not since this morning, no. Which is pretty weird. I mean, I’m used to not seeing Stark for long periods of time, if it weren’t for Steve and Peter he’d probably live in that lab, and Bruce is... Bruce, but Sam, Jen and Thor are social creatures...”

“And you’re planning on asking Natasha to marry you, so I’m guessing that you’d be seeing her pretty often.” Matt commented idly, flipping through channels.

Clint spluttered and turned red.

“Wh- _How did you-?!”_

“Lucky guess. It appears I was right.”

“... You little shit.”

“Sorry, ‘little shit’ is a Frank-only nickname, pick another.”

“Who the fuck-? You know what, nevermind.”

Jane smiled at him.

“Congratulations, but getting back to the point, how is it possible that every single Avenger except for you seemed to have disappeared?”

Before the archer could answer that, though, Jane’s phone pinged.

_Boss, u might wanna get down here I found something weird in T’s bot-hospital -Darcy_

The astrophysicist frowned at her phone.

“What’s up?”

“Darcy just texted me that she found something in Tony’s workshop.” Jane replied as she walked towards the elevator, the archer following her.

“Weird how?”

She shrugged.

“Guess we’ll have to see.”

“See what?”

Both of them shrieked as the elevator door closed, turning towards Matt.

“Again, Matt? Really?”

The teen shrugged.

“I can’t help it if you people aren’t very observant.”

“Make noise when you walk!”

“I do.”

“Make _more_ noise when you walk!”

“What fun would that be?” Matt asked as the elevator dinged and the doors opened.

Clint rolled his eyes as he walked towards Tony’s workshop.

“You’re an ass, kid. Jarvis, if you please.”

_“Certainly, Agent Barton.”_

The door to Tony’s workshop hissed as it opened, squeaking slightly since it was still fairly new.

“Darcy? Where are-? Darcy, what are you doing.”

“Oh, hi, Jane.” Her assistant replied. “Hiding from whatever that is on top of this ladder.” She explained, pointing at a small, silvery cannister with her foot.

Jane pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

“First, Darcy, that’s a _step-ladder.”_

“So? What’s the difference? You need to stop judging things based on narrow-minded cultural assumptions, Janie!”

The astrophysicist stared at her for a moment.

“R... Riiight... moving on. Second, what is that thing?”

Darcy shrugged. “I dunno. It hissed when I kicked it.”

Clint frowned, walking over towards the object and kneeling.

“It looks like one of the containers we used to use for large doses of knock-out gas.”

Jane frowned.

“Why would there be knock-out gas in Tony’s workshop?”

“Yeah, isn’t he all about the, y’know, _pew-pew?”_ Darcy asked as she got down from the step-ladder, making guns with her fingers.

“Literally nothing Stark has ever made has gone _pew-pew.”_ Clint said, making the same motion. “Which is pretty lame, to be honest. But in any case, this doesn’t look like Stark Tech.”

The archer picked up the cannister.

“Stark’s out of the weapons game, and that includes espionage gear. This isn’t one of Tony’s.”

Just then, Matt straightened, turning towards the window above the workshop.

“Get down!”

Before any of them could question that, the window shattered, the glass raining down on the area directly below the window. Several men, all dressed in black, landed on the floor, guns drawn.

“Matt, get back-!”

The teen knelt down as the men ran towards him, doing a sweeping kick and knocking one down. He sprang up, delivering an uppercut to another’s jaw.

“What the-?!” Clint started before just barely dodging a punch to the jaw. He grabbed the goon by the shoulders, kneeing him in the stomach and knocking him out with a blow to the head.

One tried to grab Jane, but unluckily for him, a certain former SHIELD agent had been teaching her some self defense. She elbowed him in the stomach, then moved away just as Darcy tasered him.

“What the _fuck_ was that?!” Jane yelled. “Why were we attacked?! This is weird even for you people!”

“I’d take offense, but she’s right.” Clint turned to look at Matt. “Where’d you learn moves like that, Toph?”

“First, I want to say that there is a very large part of me that wants to squeal in joy, but as it’s inappropriate I’ll keep it to myself. Second, I picked up some boxing from my dad.”

“Kid, I’ve seen boxing. That ain’t boxing.”

“... Okay, so maybe I’m versed in martial arts, but I don’t really think that now is the time to be talking about it. We need to get out of here before anyone else comes looking for us.”

“Right.”

Clint grabbed the cannister, pulling out his phone.

* * *

 

“What do you mean, don’t come to the Tower? Barton, I have three children on a playdate and I need to be at a meeting in twenty minutes!”

_“I’m sorry, Pepper, but the Tower’s not safe.”_

“Not safe? Clint, the only place on Earth that’s more secure than the Tower is _the Fridge.”_

She paused for a moment.

“Which I know nothing about.”

_“Sure you don’t. Look, Pepper, trust me. You need to take them somewhere else, anywhere else, but not the Tower.”_

Pepper grit her teeth.

“Clint Barton,” She started, keeping her voice as level as possible, “I have a meeting with the King of Wakanda about importing vibranium in twenty minutes. There are three little kids waiting outside of Avengers Tower to watch Disney movies and pretend to be superheroes. So you had better have a _damn good reason-!”_

_“Pepper. Tony is missing.”_

The CEO blinked.

“Wh... What?”

_“Tony is missing. The entire team is missing. We found a cannister of knock-out gas in Tony’s workshop. There’s probably several all over the Tower. And Jane, Darcy, Matt and I were just ambushed. It’s not safe.”_

Pepper took a deep breath.

“Okay. Okay, I’ll... I’ll just have to have Maria look after them.”

_“Whoa, no, bad idea, Maria is_ terrible _with kids-!”_

“Well it’s not like I have any other choice! I’ll keep Peter, MJ, and Harry occupied, and Barton? If Tony isn’t home by the time I finish convincing T’Challa to share his magic metal, I will have Jarvis play ‘Old McDonald’ every time you enter the living room for a month.”

_“Geez, a guy buys_ one _farm...”_

Pepper rolled her eyes.

“Get to work. Bye.”

The CEO hung up on him, then turned to the kids.

“Okay, kids, change of plans: we’re going to Stark Industries.”

“Why?” Peter asked, looking confused.

_Because your dad is an idiot, because Clint is an idiot, because I’m at the end of my rope, the list goes on._

“Avengers business, sweetie. Don’t worry, you can still play, Miss Hill is just gonna be the one to keep an eye on you.”

* * *

“I think we lost him.” Steve said as he put Tony down, wiping sweat from his forehead.

The inventor sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Fuck.” He cursed as he sat down on a nearby log. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. We’re in the middle of the fucking jungle, there are fucking _dinosaurs_ running around, we’ve got no clue where we are, and- and I _smell,_ and...”

Tony trailed off as he caught sight of Steve unbuttoning his shirt, revealing the perfectly sculpted chest beneath the cloth. Time seemed to slow down as the blonde shrugged off his button-up, using it to wipe at his sweat-covered brow.

“... What?” The soldier asked after a minute, brow arched.

The genius turned bright red.

“N-Nothing!” He insisted, quickly turning away. “I just... I’m tired. I’m really, really tired, and... I want a burger.”

Steve snorted, sitting down next to him as he slipped his shirt back on.

“A burger sounds pretty damn great right now. Especially this one burger- You ever been to the diner on East 46th? I swear, they make the best damn burger you’ve ever tasted.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, really. They cook it slow, but never over-cooked, and the meat’s always so tender-!”

Suddenly, Tony’s stomach growled so loudly that Steve could hear it. The inventor turned pink.

“Well, now you’ve gone and made me hungry...” Tony muttered.

Steve laughed, standing up.

“Alright, alright. Hang on a sec.”

Tony watched as Steve climbed a nearby tree, a curious look on his face.

“What are you doing?”

The tree shook a little.

“Catch!”

The inventor yelped as a large fruit landed in his hands. Steve chuckled as he got out of the tree, holding the same kind of fruit.

“What... what is this?”

“A mango.”

“N- Well, yeah, I know that, but... why?”

“You’re hungry. It’s food. Eat.”

Tony pouted for a moment, then took a tenuous bite.

“Great. I’m eating fruit for dinner. Fuck this day.”

Steve chuckled again.

“Well, at least it can’t get any worse, right?”

The inventor nearly dropped his fruit, staring at the captain with wide eyes.

“Oh, no. You did _not_ just say that.”

“What do you-?”

_Boom._

In an instant, it started to pour rain on them.

“... Oops?” Steve said sheepishly, a shit-eating grin on his face.

Tony simply glared at him.

* * *

“I’m sorry, Tony.” Steve said for what had to be the hundredth time, holding his shield over the genius and himself to protect them from the downpour.

“I’m cold, Steve. I am cold and wet and altogether a very miserable billionaire.”

The soldier sighed.

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Make it stop raining.”

“I don’t control the weather, Tony.”

“Have you tried?”

Steve grimaced, then lifted his free hand to the sky.

“Oh, great gods above, cease this downpour!”

The downpour continued.

“Now I have. And I can’t control the weather.”

“Smart ass.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“Look, there’s a cave over there, so we can just wait out the storm in there. How about it?”

Tony grimaced, then sighed.

“Fine, fine, whatever.”

* * *

“Cold?”

Tony shivered, not looking at the soldier.

“N... No.”

Steve sighed.

“Stark, you’re shivering. It’s pretty obvious that you’re cold.”

“I’m not cold!” The genius insisted before shivering again.

“Tony,” Steve said softly, scooting towards the brunet. “Tony, it’s okay to admit that you’re cold.”

Tony still wouldn’t look at him.

“... maybe I’m a little cold.”

The soldier smiled, then, a little hesitantly, wrapped an arm around the billionaire. Tony’s shoulders tensed almost immediately.

_“What are you doing.”_

“Sh... Sharing body heat? You’re cold, so I thought...”

Steve swallowed hard, then removed his arm from around Tony.

“Nevermind.”

They didn’t speak for a moment, neither man looking at the other. Suddenly, Tony started leaning on Steve.

“... I miss Peter.”

The soldier sighed.

“Me too.”

“I want to go home. I want to go home and eat a burger and see my kids-!”

“Your... your ‘kids’? As in, more than one?”

“Virgil’s my kid too. Technically.”

“Ah. So, you’ve finally accepted it, then?”

“... Yeah. Yeah, I...” Tony sighed, looking up at Steve. “I just want to go home.”

“Me too.” Steve agreed. He then paused, looking down at their hands. “Uh... Tony?”

“Hm?”

“... Why are you holding my hand?”

Tony’s eyes widened, turning bright red as he let go of the soldier.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry I didn’t-!”

“H-Hey, wait, no, it’s...”

Hesitantly, the soldier slipped his hand back into Tony’s.

“It’s nice.”

The billionaire blinked.

“It... it is?”

“Y... Yeah. Really, really nice, actually.”

Tony stared at him, eyes wide.

Steve swallowed hard, finding himself unable to look away from those big, brown eyes.

He wasn’t quite sure who made the first move, but the next thing he knew his lips were on Tony’s.

****  
  
  


 

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwahahahaha.  
> Also, I will admit to watching Teen Wolf while writing this chapter.


	17. Jungle Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two Avengers are extremely embarrassed. One Avenger (Natasha) is very amused. Maria does not know how to deal with children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just putting this out there, the beginning of this one is a little... raunchy. Nothing actually happens, so I don't think it warrants a rating jump, but I still feel I should warn you.

The kiss probably lasted less than half a second, and it was barely even a kiss at all; it was light, chaste, but so very, very _warm._

It wasn’t perfect, of course. Tony’s lips were chapped, and Steve wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, and neither of them smelled particularly nice at that moment.

But it was _good._

They broke apart almost reluctantly, staring at each other with uncertainty in both of their eyes.

Steve bit his lip, and Tony’s eyes widened. In an instant, the genius had pulled the soldier back into another kiss, this one deeper, more desperate than the last. Tony’s hands were tangled in Steve’s hair, and the soldier had his arms wrapped around Tony’s torso. The inventor turned his head slightly, rolling over so that he was now straddling Steve’s lap.

“Tony...” The soldier whispered breathlessly against the other’s lips, his hands moving to rest on Tony’s hips.

Suddenly, Tony rolled his hips against Steve’s, eliciting a moan from the blonde man. Steve pressed his lips against Tony’s again, running his tongue over the genius’ bottom lip experimentally. Tony made a surprised, but pleased, noise in his throat, moving his hands underneath Steve’s still-unbuttoned shirt. The soldier’s breath hitched as the billionaire’s fingers brushed over his skin, and without thinking he grabbed a hold of Tony’s sides, lifting him off of his lap and laying him on the ground.

Tony stared up at him, his eyes dark and his face flushed as Steve leaned over him.

“Steve...” He panted, biting his lip slightly. The soldier bit back a moan, leaning down and kissing Tony deeply once more. Tony moaned into his mouth, wrapping his arms around Steve’s shoulders and his legs around Steve’s waist and moving his hips ever so slightly.

“ _God,_ Tony!” Steve whined, grinding involuntarily against the other man. He couldn’t _remember_ the last time he’d been this turned on, and he might be embarrassed about that if he didn’t know for a fact that Tony was just as aroused as he was.

Tony’s hands were in his hair again, rubbing the back of Steve’s head as the soldier moved to kiss at his jaw. The genius let out a whimper when Steve pressed a kiss to his neck.

“N... Not there, not my neck!”

Steve immediately moved away, staring at Tony with wide eyes.

“Oh, um... is... did something happen involving-?”

“N-No, it’s not... um...”

Tony blushed, and Steve arched an eyebrow.

“Tony?”

“... It’s... it’s a _sensitive_ area.” Tony mumbled, blushing profusely.

Steve stared at him for a moment, then grinned mischievously.

“Oh, _really?”_

“Steve, what are you- _STEVE!”_

The soldier bit back a laugh as he nuzzled Tony’s neck with his nose, relishing the little hitch in the genius’ throat and the bright red blush creeping up Tony’s neck.

“S... Steve, I- mm- I-I, you, guh-!”

Tony let out a wanton moan, one that made Steve blush all the way down to his toes. The soldier quickly moved away, biting back a moan of his own when he saw the look on Tony’s face.

“... Oh. You weren’t... Y-You weren’t kidding.”

“Of _course_ I wasn’t kidding, now get back down here!” Tony snapped, his grip on Steve’s shirt tight.

“Sir yes sir.” Steve replied, kissing Tony again. He moved his hands back down to the genius’ hips, holding them steady as he ground his own against him. Tony gasped into his mouth, pressing his hand to Steve’s bare chest.

“Oh, Tony...” Steve sighed, glancing up unintentionally. “To- _Natasha?!”_

“Wait, _Natasha?!”_ Tony yelled, sounding hurt.

The spy gave Steve an amused look.

“Good to see the dinosaurs didn’t eat you two.” She stated evenly.

Steve turned bright red, scrambling to get off of the other man. He grabbed his shield, planting it in front of his lap, which he almost immediately realized served to make his... _problem_ more obvious, but he couldn’t back down at that point.

Tony, on the other hand, seemed to be paralyzed, lying on his back and staring up at the spy. After a minute, he turned just as red as Steve, practically bolting up to a sitting position and hunching over.

_“Oh my god.”_ Tony all but squeaked, looking completely humiliated. He glanced up at Steve, their eyes meeting for only a second before they both looked away.

“I... I need some air.” The billionaire stated quietly, standing up and walking out of the cave almost robotically.

Steve fixed his gaze on the ground, trying to will his face to turn back to a normal color and his _problem_ to go away.

“So,” Natasha started, kneeling down next to Steve. She sounded far too amused. “Not into guys, huh?”

“Shut up. I’m begging you, just... shut up.”

* * *

_Okay. So. That happened._

Tony took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down as he leaned against a tree.

_I kissed Captain America. Captain America kissed me back. We made out._

He ran his fingers through his hair.

_There is a very good chance that, had Natasha not shown up, I would have had_ sex _with Captain America in a cave._

The genius swallowed hard.

_Sex. With Captain America. Oh, if fifteen-year-old Tony Stark could see me now._

Tony sighed, moving his back against the tree and sliding to the ground.

Holy fuck. He came within minutes of having _sex_ with _Captain America._

No. Sex with _Steve Rogers._

Steve Rogers, his teammate.

Steve Rogers, his leader.

Steve Rogers, one of his best friends.

Steve Rogers, the guy that fourteen-year-old Tony had apparently had the most blatant crush on.

And apparently, the guy that forty-four-year-old Tony wanted _really fucking badly._

And not just physically, even though he _definitely_ wanted that. He wanted to make Steve laugh with stupid jokes, and hold hands, and to hold Steve and to be held by Steve, and to just be with Steve, and...

_Shit._

There was no point in denying it anymore.

Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, aka the man who had changed the face of the twenty-first century, was completely, stupidly, _madly_ in _love_ with Steve Rogers.

He was _so_ screwed.

* * *

 

“Clint?” Jane started carefully as the archer parked the Quinjet in an unfamiliar hangar. “Where are we?”

“Classified.”

The astrophysicist looked over at Darcy, who rolled her eyes.

“Barton, just tell us. We promise not to tell.”

Clint said nothing to that, instead walking past the other three and getting out of the jet.

“I can’t tell you, but I _can_ show you.”

Jane frowned as she followed him out.

“What do you... mean...?” She trailed off as she got out of the jet, her eyes going wide when she saw a familiar logo.

“Hey, it’s the guys who stole your research and my iPod that one time!” Darcy all but yelled as she entered the hangar, attracting the attention of every single SHIELD agent within a thirty-foot radius. Immediately, every gun in the room (excluding Clint’s) was trained on them.

The archer sighed.

“It’s cool, guys, they’re with me. Stand down.”

A murmur ran through the room as the weapons were put away.

Clint turned to the group, shrugging.

“Welcome to SHIELD.”

* * *

_“Clinton Francis Barton!”_

The archer flinched, turning just in time for Bobbi to grab him by the collar.

“H... Hi, Bobbi, have I mentioned that I love what you’ve done with your hair-?”

“Save it!” She all but growled, ramming him against the wall. “The _fuck_ were you _thinking?!_ You brought civilians here?! Are you _insane?”_

Clint shrugged.

“It’s a possibility.”

The other agent glared at him.

“Coulson is going to _murder_ you, and I’m going to laugh while he does.”

“Yeah, kinda doubt Coulson would murder me for getting civilians out of danger and bringing to his attention that seven Avengers- including one of his top agents- are missing.”

Bobbi blinked, her grip on Clint loosening enough for the archer to drop to the floor.

“Wh... What?”

“All of the Avengers- besides yours truly- are missing.” He handed her the cannister. “We found this in Stark’s workshop. Looks like a container for knock-out gas. No prints, but I think there’s enough residue from the gas to analyze.”

The other agent stared up at him.

“You’re saying that someone _kidnapped_ the Avengers?”

“Not all of them. I’m an Avenger, remember?”

“Let it go, Clint.”

“Never. Also, we were attacked- and by ‘we’, I mean Jane, Darcy, Matt, and myself- by some dudes, they’re currently tied up at Avengers Tower. I’ve made sure that Pepper knows not to take Peter back to the Tower. Apparently she’s going to have Maria watch him and his playmates.”

“... Maria.”

“Yep.”

“As in, Maria Hill.”

“That’s the one.”

“As in, the woman who hated children when she _was_ a child?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m hoping some SI employee has the good sense to record what happens.”

Clint could tell that she was barely holding back laughter; her eye was twitching.

“I know. In any case, we’ve got seven missing Avengers- two of whom are Hulks- and someone out there who tried to kill the loved ones of the Avengers. Plus one Avenger.” He folded his arms across his chest.

“That’s definitely a problem.”

* * *

 

“Come again?”

Pepper sighed, brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes.

“I need you to watch Peter, Mary Jane, and Harry on their play date while I go to this meeting.”

“Okay, one, why are they even _here,_ and two, why do _I_ have to do it?” Maria asked, folding her arms across her chest.

“Because there’s some Avengers-related bullshit going on at the Tower that makes it unsafe for _anyone_ to be in, especially small children. And as for the second question, because I trust you and I’m your boss.”

“And why can’t you just drop them off at daycare?”

“Stark Daycare is for employees of Stark Industries only. Neither of Mary Jane’s parents work here, and Harry’s father is the owner and CEO of our rival company. Peter is the only one who could get in, and they’re on a _playdate,_ Maria, you can’t split them up!”

Maria opened her mouth to reply, but before she could even get a single word in edgewise, a dark-skinned woman in a nice suit poked her head into the room.

“Miss Potts? We are ready to begin now.”

“Alright, just a moment.” Pepper said, forcing a polite smile. She turned back to the other woman.

“Maria, I need you to do this for me without complaining. You only have to watch Mary Jane and Harry for a couple of hours until they get picked up, and then Peter until Tony gets back from wherever the hell he is. And he will be back.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I threatened Barton with ‘Old McDonald’.”

“Ooh, good move.”

Her boss smiled at her.

“Miss Potts, His Majesty is wondering-!”

“Just. A. Moment.” Pepper repeated, her tone stern enough that the messenger shrunk back. She sighed.

“Look, I gotta go. Just make sure they don’t get themselves hurt, and keep them from getting too bored.”

She handed Maria a bag.

“I’ve packed Peter’s inhaler, a change of clothes in case of an accident, and some snacks if they get hungry.”

“Pepper-!”

Her boss turned on her heel.

“Good luck, Maria. Miss Okoye, I’m very sorry to keep you and His Majesty waiting.”

“Wait, Pepper, I don’t know how to deal with-!”

The door closed.

“... Kids.”

Maria swallowed hard, slowly turning towards the three children.

The red-headed girl smiled politely at her. The bespectacled boy seemed intent on hiding behind her. And the other boy gave her a disinterested look before turning back to his phone.

_Should have taken Coulson’s job offer, Hill._

* * *

 

Natasha glanced back at the other two Avengers following her. Currently, the two of them were staring straight ahead, occassionally glancing at each other. Once, they locked eyes for half a second; both turned scarlet and quickly looked away.

The spy rolled her eyes.

_Part of me really regrets not letting them finish. If only because the tension is fucking unbearable._

Logically, she knew that she’d done the right thing. They needed to get back home as soon as possible, and stopping to fuck? Not really productive towards that goal.

Plus, she doubted Steve wanted to lose his virginity in a cave.

... Okay, fine, so _she_ didn’t want her best friend to lose his virginity in a cave. Caves were damp and gross, and Steve was a romantic, he’d regret losing it in a goddamn _cave_ for the rest of his life!

Of course, she did make a mental note to lock them in a bedroom when they got back. They could screw each other silly once they got home, but right now, they needed to actually _get_ home.

Steve cleared his throat.

“Have... have you found anyone else?”

“Yeah. Sam was close by when I woke up, and we found Thor after he used Mjolnir to summon a thunderstorm-!”

_“That was him?!”_ Tony shouted angrily. “We got _soaked!”_

“Told you it wasn’t my fault.” Steve said with a smirk.

“Shut up, Rogers! Besides, _you’re_ the one who tempted fate!”

“Like you don’t tempt fate all the time?”

“In fact, I don’t-!”

They both froze, looking at each other for only a moment before turning away. Both of their faces were bright red.

Natasha rolled her eyes again. Great, now the unresolved sexual tension thing was going to be even worse.

“Anyway, Thor and Sam are waiting for us back at the camp we made, but there’s been no sign of either of the Hulks or Hawkeye.”

She had to try very hard not to let her voice catch when she said “Hawkeye.”

She brushed aside some trees, revealing Thor and Sam sitting on logs.

“Ah, there you three are!” Thor exclaimed cheerfully. Unlike the rest of them, the Asgardian didn’t look like crap. “The Son of Will and I were just discussing whether or not to send out a search party for you!”

“You _have_ been gone for the better part of an hour.” Sam added when Natasha gave him a look.

The spy rolled her eyes.

Tony sighed, taking a step towards the other Avengers (and away from Steve).

“Okay, do any of you have any idea where we are? Or, more importantly, _why there are dinosaurs?”_

“We’re in the Savage Land.” Natasha replied evenly.

“... How do you _know_ that? And- And just what the hell is the Savage Land?”

The spy sighed.

“The Savage Land is a tropical region surrounded by volcanoes deep in Antarctica.”

“Wait, _Antarctica?!”_

“Told you we were on Earth.”

“Shut up, Steve.”

Natasha gave them both a look.

“Anyway, about seven years ago, a British explorer by the name of Robert Plunder managed to find his way here while looking for vibranium. He reported the find to SHIELD, but as soon as he did, he and his son, Kevin, disappeared. Nobody’s heard from them since.”

She sat down next to Sam. “SHIELD’s been keeping an eye on this place since we found it. I went here once with Barton, there’s a SHIELD base just south of the Prehistoric Refuge, which is where we are.”

“Uh, there’s no SHIELD, Nat, I don’t think that the base would be-!”

“SHIELD is still around.”

All of them turned to stare at her.

“... Wait, what?” Steve asked after a minute.

“SHIELD is still around. It’s not as big as it used to be, in fact there’s probably more people living in _Sealand_ than there are agents of SHIELD, but... it exists.”

“What the _fuck?!”_ Tony yelled. “Why are you just _now_ telling us this?!”

“Because I was under orders from the Director of SHIELD not to reveal the rebuild unless it was absolutely necessary. Considering we could all be eaten by dinosaurs, I think it’s time I told you.”

“Director-?”

“Fury ordered you not to tell us?” Steve asked, eyebrow arched.

“Uh, isn’t Fury-? God... God _dammit,_ Fury’s alive isn’t he.”

“That he is. But he’s not the Director of SHIELD.”

The super soldier blinked.

“Then... who is?”

“If we get outta of here, you’ll find out. And likely you’ll yell at him. He deserves it.”

Before any of them could start asking more questions, the spy stood up.

“Now come on. We’ve got two Hulks and a Hawkeye to find.”

* * *

 

Jen groaned as she sat up, rubbing the back of her head gingerly.

“Fucking hell, what did I do last night...” She mumbled, getting to her feet.

The lawyer blinked, looking around at her surroundings.

“Okay, I _know_ I didn’t drink this much.”

Suddenly, she heard growling behind her. Slowly, Jen turned around, dread creeping up on her.

The fact that she found herself staring into the eyes of a rather angry-looking tiger did nothing to dissuade her fears.

“I... I’d back off, if I were you. You’re scaring me, and buddy? You wouldn’t like me when I’m scared.”

The tiger growled angrily at her.

“Yeah, I agree, it’s kinda lame.”

The beast leapt at her, and Jen screamed, feeling herself change.

_Rip._

“Aw, man, I liked that shirt!”

She grabbed the tiger by the scruff of its neck, hurling it into the treetops.

“And don’t come back!” She yelled.

Behind her, there was a sudden thud, followed by a low groan.

Jen paused, turning towards the source of the noise. As quietly as possible, she walked over to it, shifting back to normal before peering behind a set of bushes.

“Oh! Hello, there!”

The young man- a teen, really, probably around Matt’s age- looked up at her, blinking rapidly. His cheeks were pink as he brushed a strand of his long, blonde hair out of his eyes. She knew he was trying to be sneaky about it, but she could tell that he looked at her boobs.

Honestly, she couldn't blame him too much, they  _did_ look awesome in the uniform.

“Uh...”

“You okay, kid?” Jen asked, walking into the bushes and crouching down.

“Uh...”

“Oh, um... do you not speak English? Cause that’s gonna make this a lot harder, but I’m sure we could find a way to-!”

“I... I speak English, Miss.”

Jen blinked. “Oh. Oh, you’re... you’re British, huh?”

“Y... Yes. I think.”

The lawyer quirked an eyebrow.

“You think?”

“I... I don’t really remember all that well.”

“Hmm. Well, let’s start with something easy. What’s your name?”

“... My name is Ka-Zar.”

“... Okay. My name is Jen.”

The lawyer stood up, holding a hand out to the teen. Ka-Zar took it somewhat reluctantly, standing up himself.

“Whoa, geez, you’re a tall guy, aren’t ya?”

Ka-Zar blushed, clearing his throat. “I... I suppose. To be honest, you’re one of the first humans I’ve seen in quite some time.”

Jen frowned.

“Wait, seriously? Where are we, anyway?”

“We are in the Savage Land. My home.” He started to walk away. “And I suggest that you find a way to leave, for outsiders are not welcome in my home.”

“... Big talk coming from the guy who was staring at my boobs half a minute ago.”

She had to try very hard not to laugh at the poor kid when he tripped over his own two feet.

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two reasons why I had Natasha find them: because of course Nat would find them, and because there is at least one universe out there where it would be perfectly acceptable for Steve to say the name "Natasha" while with a Stark.   
> And yes, the HIMMYD references are completely necessary.


	18. Greens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is a terrible liar. Clint is not helping. At all. Jen knows all of Bruce's weaknesses. All of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has nothing to do with anything, but GO SEE THE BOOK OF LIFE. DO IT.

“So.” Natasha started, walking next to Steve as they made their way through the jungle. “Stark, huh?”

The soldier nearly jumped out of his skin.

“What no definitely not! No Stark, nothing there, nope!” He yelled, turning beet red from his chin to the roots of his hair.

“Right. Because I totally didn’t catch you two about to fuck like bunnies.”

“W-We weren’t going to fuck like bunnies!”

The spy gave him a look.

“... Okay, maybe we would have had sex, but not like bunnies!”

“Yeah, probably, since I doubt either of you have lube or condoms on you, making it pretty much impossible to have sex like rabbits. Besides, rabbits generally have very quick, unfulfilling sex. And considering the way that you two have been eyeballing each other, plus the fact that you’re supposed to have this great endurance-!”

“Tasha _oh my god.”_

She smirked at him.

“You like him.”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes, you do, Steve, you’re a terrible liar, remember?”

“I don’t-! I’m not-! I don’t have feelings for Tony!”

Natasha smiled.

“Who do you think you’re kiddin’? He’s the earth and heaven to ya-!”

“Tasha no.”

She gave him a look.

“... Look, I... I care a lot about Tony. I can’t help but feel happier when I’m with him, and- and I find myself thinking about him when we’re apart, and..”

“And you’re a little in love with him, aren’t you?”

Steve grimaced, staring at the ground.

“... Yes.”

Natasha smiled, bumping her arm against his.

“Good. I was starting to run out of people to tell you to ask out.”

Steve groaned. “Why did I agree to search for the Hulks and your boyfriend with you again?”

“Because I’m your best friend and you love me. And because it got you away from Stark for a little while.”

“‘Love’ is a strong word.”

Natasha pouted, batting her eyes.

“... Fine, I love you, but you’re still the worst.”

She punched his arm lightly. Steve rolled his eyes, then paused when he heard rustling next to him. He held out his free hand to stop the spy, lifting his shield up in front of him as he took a step towards the source of the noise.

He barely had time to cover himself before a growling, snarling, _extremely angry sabertooth tiger_ lunged at him, making a clang ring out as its teeth collided with Steve’s shield. The soldier grunted as he hit the ground, using his legs to try and force the beast off of him.

Natasha sprung into action, grabbing a rock and throwing it at the tiger to distract it. With the beast dazed, Steve was able to kick it off, knocking it onto its back. The tiger rolled over, but before it could get up the soldier sat on it, pinning it to the ground. Steve lifted his shield over the beast’s head, ready to ram the disc into the tiger’s skull.

“Stop!”

Both the soldier and the beast froze, looking up into the trees. A young man jumped down, glaring at Steve.

“Get. Off. Of. Zabu.”

“... What?”

“The tiger, Rogers, just get off of it.” Jen told him as she emerged out of the bushes. “And for god’s sake, Ka-Zar, quit the tree thing, you aren’t _Tarzan!”_

The soldier blinked, slowly getting off of the tiger and backing away.

Ka-Zar knelt down, holding his hand out. The tiger gradually got to its feet, stretching and walking over to the blonde teenager.

“... Okay, one, Jen, where did you find a teenage boy in the middle of the jungle, and two, how is it that you keep finding teenage boys?” Natasha asked, eyebrow arched.

“Well, one, I didn’t really find him, we met when he fell out of a tree, and two, I dunno about Matt, but with this dude I’m pretty sure it has something to do with boobs.”

“I-It has nothing to do with breasts!” Ka-Zar exclaimed, turning bright red.

Zabu growled softly.

“No I’m not! Shut up, Zabu!”

Steve considered asking why the teen was talking to a tiger as if it understood him, but decided that he really didn’t need to know the answer, because it probably boiled down to “This place is crazy.”

“Anyway, Jen, have you seen Hawkeye or Bruce?”

“You mean you haven’t? Damn. I was hoping you-!”

Just then, there was a distant roar, followed by the ground shaking a bit.

_“HULK NO LIKE LIZARD!”_

Seconds later, a velociraptor flew over their heads, crashing into the trees.

“... Okay. Well. There’s Bruce.”

Jen looked over at Ka-Zar.

“Hey, kid, you ever fought a giant green man before?”

“... N... No?”

“Well, you’re about to. Better clench up, Tarzan.”

* * *

_Okay, so far so good._

Maria hung back, watching the three children playing with Legos.

Honestly, they weren’t very difficult. They seemed more interested in each other than Maria, which was perfectly fine with the former SHIELD agent. She was _not_ good with kids.

Okay, so she wasn’t really good with people in general, but kids especially.

She blamed her dad.

Of course, she blamed her dad for a lot of things.

She felt a tug on her pants leg.

“Miss Hill?”

Maria looked down at  the girl- Mary Jane, she remembered.

“Uh... yes?”

“I gotta go potty.”

She blinked.

“Oh. Oh, uh, okay, um... it’s over there.” She told the little girl, pointing across the hall.

Mary Jane gave her a look.

“Miss Hill, I’m four years old. I can’t go into a bathroom by myself unless I’m at home. That’s Auntie Anna’s rule.”

Maria bit back a groan. “Ugh, fine, fine, just... Hey, you two, I’m taking Mary Jane to the bathroom, stay here.”

One of the boys- Harry- gave her a look similar to the one Mary Jane had just given her.

“Miss Hill, we’re four an’ tiny. We could easily get kidnapped. An’ then Miss Pepper would be real mad at you.”

The former deputy director pinched the bridge of her nose, peering out the window to try and think.

“Happy!” She shouted when she saw the security chief, grabbing MJ’s hand and walking out with her. “Happy, do me a favor and watch those two while I take this one to the bathroom, thanks!”

“Wh-?”

Maria all but slammed the bathroom door behind her.

* * *

Happy blinked, staring at the girls as they walked into the bathroom. He turned around, looking at Peter and Harry.

“She’s not very good with kids, is she?”

“Nope.” Peter confirmed solemnly. “Is it true that she used to be an agent of SHIELD?”

“Deputy Director, actually. Second in command under Nick Fury.”

“SHIELD? You mean those guys who tried to investigate Father?”

“Your daddy got investigated? Why?”

Harry shrugged.

“I dunno, but it sure made him grumpy for a long time. The agents were pretty nice, though. Like this one lady, Agent Simmons, she’s a scientist, an’...”

Happy chuckled, following the boys as they walked inside. He was glad that Peter had managed to make a couple of friends, especially since the first time that Happy had met the kid, the boy seemed determined to avoid eye contact with anyone and everyone. He probably said two words through the entire visit, and they were both to Tony.

So it was pretty nice to see that he had found someone to be friends with, even if that person happened to be the son of a giant dickhead.

“We’re back!” The girl- Mary Jane- announced as she ran inside.

“Hi, MJ!” Peter greeted as she rejoined them.

Maria sighed as she walked in, all but collapsing into her chair.

“This was not what I had in mind when I applied for a job at Stark Industries.” She muttered, running her hand through her hair.

“Hey, Miss Hill?”

“Yeah?”

“Happy says you were the Deputy Director of SHIELD.”

“... I was.”

“Did you know a lady named Agent Simmons?”

Maria blinked, straightening a bit.

“Uh, well, yes, actually. Not very well, but yes.”

Harry smiled at her.

“Cool! Hey, there was this other guy, Agent Fitz, he was pretty cool. Didja know him?”

“Yes.”

“What about Agent Ward? He was all tough and stuff!”

“... Oh, boy.”

* * *

_Why must this place be so big?_

Jane groaned as she turned yet another corner. She had just gone to the bathroom, how was it that she managed to get so lost?

Darcy would probably cite this as a reason why Jane wasn’t allowed to drive.

The astrophysicist paused, backing up and looking into the lab she had just passed. Inside, a woman was working all alone, busily moving between a computer and a microscope.

After a moment’s hesitation, Jane knocked on the window.

“Um... excuse me?”

The woman jumped, whirling around and staring at Jane with wide eyes.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to scare you!”

The other woman blinked, her mouth dropping open in shock.

“You’re... you’re Jane Foster!” The apparently British woman managed to say.

“... Yes?”

“Oh, wow, I... I love your work! I mean, you’re the one who pretty much confirmed alien life, that’s- wow!”

Jane smiled warmly. “Oh, um, thank you, Miss...?”

“Simmons!” The other woman chirped, walking over to the astrophysicist. “Jemma Simmons.”

Jane smiled, shaking Simmons’ hand.

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Agent Simmons, but I’m really just looking for a way back to the offices. I told Agent Morse that I’d be right back, and to be honest she scares me a little, so I think I ought to find my way back.”

Simmons rolled her eyes.

“Oh, don’t worry about her. I know she’s all...”

The other woman put her hands on her hips, puffing her chest out.

“‘I’m Bobbi Morse. I’ve got a code name and know thirty ways to kill a man with just my thumb.’”

Jane giggled a little, and Simmons grinned.

“But that’s the same woman I caught dancing around to 80’s pop music in a Hello Kitty t-shirt and sweatpants.”

“Oh, like I didn’t catch you pretending to do kung-fu with the chopsticks you got from a Chinese take-out place?” Bobbi teased as she walked inside.

Simmons turned scarlet.

“Y-You promised not to tell anyone about that!”

“And you promised not to tell anyone about the Hello Kitty incident, so I think that we’re even.”

Simmons stuck her tongue out at the other agent.

“Oh, very mature, Miss ‘I have two PhD’s in hard-to-pronounce-fields.’”

“That’s twice as many as you have.”

“At least I eat pretzels in a normal amount of bites.

Simmons rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, _that_ again?”

“ _Three bites,_ Jemma! Normal people eat them in two!”

“Well, at least I use the right type of scale and unit of measurement for temperature!”

"Fahrenheit is for people with freedom."

Jane watched as the two women continued to bicker.

_Jeez, and I thought Steve and Stark were bad._

Suddenly, the astrophysicist felt a hand on her shoulder. She whirled around, her eyes widening when she saw who it was.

“C... Coul-?!”

Coulson held a finger up to his lips, shushing her quietly. He jerked his head towards the door.

Jane arched an eyebrow in confusion, but left the lab as quietly as possible, glancing back at the agents just once before closing the door.

“Sorry about that. I just don’t want to interrupt those two. I’m fairly sure that their first kiss will be during an argument.”

Before Jane could speak, there was a shriek from inside.

“Barton!”

Bobbi stormed out of the lab, an arrow with a pink suction cup on one end and a pink heart on the other in her end.

“I am going to _end_ Hawkeye.” She growled, snapping the arrow in two as she walked away.

Coulson sighed.

“Dammit, Clint.”

Jane just stared at the man, too shocked to say anything for a moment.

“What?”

“... Th... Thor said that you died. His brother stabbed you in the chest with the staff thing.”

Coulson cleared his throat.

“Yes, well. He’s not wrong. It’s a long story.”

The astrophysicist arched an eyebrow, leaning against the wall and folding her arms across her chest.

“My boyfriend- though I suppose that _fiancé_ is a more accurate description of the relationship at this point- is missing, along with most of his teammates. I can’t go back home, because there is a chance that ninjas will try and kill me. Coulson, I’ve got nothing but time.”

* * *

“I still can’t believe that Nat agreed to being chipped.”

Mack shrugged, glancing back at the other agent.

“I don’t pretend to know the Black Widow's reasons for doing anything, but it's a lucky thing for us that she did. Hopefully we can use it to find her, and possibly the other Avengers.”

“Except for me.”

“Let it go, Barton.”

“Never. I’m going to hold it over their heads until the end of time.”

“You know, it’s completely possible that whoever took them didn’t see you as much of a threat, hence why you were left behind.”

Clint blinked, his facial expression unreadable.

“... This is the first time you’ve thought about it like that, isn’t it?”

The archer nodded.

Mack rolled his eyes.

“What’s with him?” Bucky asked as he walked into the lab.

“Oh, he just realized that his being left behind may imply that people don’t see him as being as much of threat as the other Avengers.”

The former assassin snorted.

“He’s just realizing that now?”

The mechanic rolled his eyes again, turning back to the computer.

He blinked, peering at the screen in confusion.

“Huh. That’s weird.”

“What?”

Mack pointed to the lower half of the screen.

“According the Black Widow’s tracking chip, she’s somewhere in Antarctica.”

“Why would she be in Antarctica?”

“Dunno, maybe this thing is off. Give me a hand with it?”

A moment later, a metal arm landed in front of the mechanic.

“That wasn’t funny the first time, it’s not funny now.”

“Fuck you, it was hilarious then and it’s hilarious now.” Bucky replied as he reattached his arm.

Mack rolled his eyes once more.

“Have you checked the legitimacy of the signal?” He asked as he reattached his arm.

“Yeah, looks right, but why Antarctica-?”

“Antarctica?” Clint asked, walking over to the computer.

“Oh, good, your brain is working again.”

“Shut it.”

Mack rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, yeah, it says Antarctica.”

The archer peered up at the screen, his eyes going wide after a moment.

“Zoom in on Natasha’s position.” He ordered, his voice steady.

Mack and Bucky looked at each other for a moment, but the mechanic did as the archer asked, adjusting the settings so that the location was as accurate as possible.

 _“Shit!”_ Clint cursed, running out of the room.

“What’s with him?”

“How the hell would I know? And what the hell is the ‘Savage Land?’”

* * *

“Okay, Hulk, I’m only gonna ask you this one more time. Put. Down. The velociraptor.”

The gamma beast glared at Steve before roaring and launching the reptile over their heads.

“No one bites Hulk! No one!”

The soldier sighed.

“Dammit, Hulk...”

“Did you really think that was gonna work?” Natasha asked, eyebrow quirked.

“Shut up, Nat. Well, I’m out of ideas. Anyone got a plan?”

Ka-Zar lifted up a spear, angling it at the Hulk’s head.

“Wh- No! No, bad idea!” Jen scolded, quickly grabbing the teen’s arm before he could launch the weapon. “No killing! My cousin shares a body with that guy, and I happen to be pretty damn fond of my cousin!”

The jungle-dweller glared at her.

“Well, do you have any ideas on how to keep him from throwing dinosaurs around?”

The lawyer grinned.

“Actually, I do.”

She turned towards the monster, then took a deep breath.

“Hey, Hulk!”

The Hulk turned towards her.

“You’re a total _weakling,_ you know that?”

_“Weakling?!”_

Steve backed up, as did everyone but Jen.

“Uh, Jen? Your plan involves you living through this, right?”

She shot him a grin.

“Yeah, a _weakling!_ You can’t even lift Thor’s puny hammer!”

The Hulk growled angrily.

“Lady wrong! _Hulk strongest there is!”_

The gamma beast barreled towards the lawyer, the woman hulking out just before he grabbed her.

“Ah, Hulk, you beautiful green simpleton,” Jen started as she wriggled out of his grip, moving behind him and locking her legs around the monster’s waist. “You might be the one in control, but this is still Bruce Goose’s body.”

The Hulk tried to shake her off.

“Get off!”

The lawyer grinned.

“No, Hulkie Wulkie, that’s not happening. You see, I grew up with Bruce. I know all of his weaknesses. And there’s one thing that never fails to bring my cousin to his knees.”

Jen had a rather odd look on her face as she all but whispered that last part. She dragged her hands across the beast’s chest.

“Uh... Jen?” Steve started, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

She winked at him, then moved her hands under the Hulk’s armpits.

“Here’s a secret, Cap. One that I learned when I was about twelve. Bruce is extremely _ticklish_ under his armpits.”

She wiggled her fingers, and to everyone’s surprise, the monster snorted, bursting out laughing when Jen continued to tickle him mercilessly.

“S-Stop!” He gasped in between laughs, his knees starting to buckle.

“Never, for I am the Tickle Monster, torturer of Hulks and Bruces!” The lawyer replied, cackling evilly.

Slowly, the green skin started to fade to a normal color, the creature shrinking as Bruce returned to them.

“S-Stop! Jenny, stop, I’m- ahahahaha- I’m gonna pee, stop it!” Bruce begged, kicking his legs uselessly.

His cousin relented, placing Bruce back on the ground before shifting back to her normal form.

“Sometimes, you just need a cousin’s knowledge to tame the savage beast.” Jen quipped as she knelt down next to the gasping scientist.

Bruce glared at her, though he was still grinning.

“You are... you are the _worst.”_ He managed.

“Oh, am I?”

“Yes. You are the worst and I hate you.”

The lawyer grinned at him, grabbing his wrists and pinning them above his head as she got on top of him.

“Oh, you asked for it, Bruce Goose.” She teased, leaning down.

Bruce’s eyes widened.

“W... Wait, Jen, no, don’t-!”

She grinned at him again, moving down his chest.

“Uh, guys? We’re still-!” Natasha started, sounding almost as uncomfortable as Steve felt.

Jen interrupted her by blowing a raspberry on her cousin’s stomach.

Bruce _howled_ with laughter.

“YOU S-S-SUCK!”

Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Suddenly, I’m very glad that I don’t have siblings.”

* * *

 

“You’re sure?”

Clint nodded.

“Absolutely. Nat’s tracker puts her right smack dab in the middle of it.”

Coulson groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Great. Just... just fucking great. As if we don’t have enough on our plates, now there’s a good chance that we’ll have to fight dinosaurs.”

“I thought dinosaurs were extinct.”

Both the archer and the director nearly jumped out of their skin, whirling around to stare at the intruder.

“Dammit, Matt!”

“Director Coulson, sir, if I may make a suggestion: train your agents on being more aware of their surroundings.”

Coulson rolled his eyes.

“Mr. Murdock, this is a restricted area. Please return to... wherever it is that you’re supposed to be.”

The teen smiled.

“No.”

The director blinked.

“I’m sorry?”

“No. I don’t think I’ll do that, Director, because I’m going with you to get the Avengers back.”

Coulson folded his arms across his chest, arching an eyebrow.

“And why would I let you do that?”

“Because I’m a skilled fighter with a personal interest in the success of this mission. Namely, the return of my only family.”

Clint snorted, grabbing the stress ball Skye had given Coulson off of his desk.

“Oh, please, kid. I think you’re forgetting one little detail. _You’re blind.”_

With that, the archer launched the toy at the teen’s head, only to be shocked when Matt actually caught it.

“Technically, that’s true. But then again, it’s also not true.”

“H... How did you-?”

“You know how losing one sense makes the others stronger? Well, when you add a radioactive substance to that, they become superhuman.”

“Radioactive?”

“Long story short, I was twelve, and I stopped a blind guy from getting hit by a truck. It crashed, and for my troubles I got an eyeful of radioactive waste.”

He smirked.

“Of course, that only took away my sight in the conventional sense. I’ve never once been completely blind. I know where everything is. I can hear every breath you take, can feel every move from the vibrations. I can see.”

Clint crossed his arms.

“Okay, fine. But you still can’t come. You’re a kid, and we can’t exactly concentrate on the mission if you’re screaming in terror.”

Matt chuckled.

“Oh, you wouldn’t have to worry about that. After all...”

The teen lifted his leg, pulling a cane out of the holster. Within second, it transformed into a staff.

“There’s a reason they call me ‘The Man Without Fear’.”

Before the director or the agent could respond to that, Matt had turned away.

“Now, are we doing this or what?”

****  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Simmons would geek out a little upon meeting Jane. And I love writing Bruce and Jen's interactions.  
> And in this universe, Team Coulson was part of the investigation into Oscorp that was going on when SHIELD fell.


	19. Out of the Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt is a little shit. Tony does not like bugs or nosy teammates. Bucky is either trying to help Steve, or sabotage him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before this chapter starts: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
> You shall see the reason for this.

“First thing when we get home, we’re getting you a better costume.”

Matt rolled his eyes.

“I’m a blind sixteen-year-old with approximately _no_ knowledge of sewing. Tell me, what exactly were you expecting?”

“Something better than a red hoodie with little devil horns.” Clint replied as they boarded the Bus. “Seriously, you’re _sixteen_ and have a law degree, you should dress better than a goddamn middle-schooler.”

The lawyer rolled his eyes again.

“Tell me, are you this snarky with your future wife?”

“Wait, _what?!”_ Skye cried as she joined the other agent and the teen, her eyes going wide with shock.

“Oh, yeah, he’s going to ask Natasha to marry him. At some point in time. Personally, I’m betting on them being engaged by New Year’s.”

“Well, finally.” Bobbi commented, sitting down on one of the couches. “I was starting to think that you’d never ask.”

“Shut up, Bobbi.” Clint muttered, sitting down on the other side of the same couch. “Besides, you’re one to talk. You still haven’t asked Jemma out, and it’s pretty obvious that you’re crazy about her.”

The other agent turned red.

“I am _not_ crazy about her!”

Clint turned to the others.

“Hey, guys, is Bobbi crazy about Jemma?”

“Yep.” Skye confirmed.

“Uh-huh.” Triplett agreed.

“I’m conventionally blind and I can see that she’s crazy about Agent Simmons.” Matt added.

Bobbi glared at them, folding her arms.

“You guys suck.”

_“Kids, stop arguing and buckle up. Three minutes to takeoff.”_ Melinda paused for a moment. _“And for the love of god, Morse, please just ask Simmons out so we can get on with our lives.”_

* * *

“I hate bugs.”

Sam rolled his eyes for what had to be the hundredth time since he, Thor, and Tony had started their search through the dense jungle.

“There are bugs in the jungle, Stark, there’s no getting around it.”

Tony grimaced. “Doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it.”

Thor chuckled, ruffling Tony’s hair.

“Complaining will not make the insects stop biting you, Anthony.”

The genius pouted.

“Thor, I’m very grumpy. I’m not in the mood for banter.”

“And yet you still bantered with Steven earlier.”

Tony jumped.

“Wh- How did you-?!”

“Your voices carried. We could hear you arguing about the rain.” Sam told him, ducking beneath a low-hanging branch.

Thor laughed.

“You two act as if you have been married for a very long time.”

“We do _not!”_

“Do so. You literally argued about directions once. And then there’s the fact that you’re obviously more comfortable with him than anyone else on the team. Even Bruce.”

“I am _not!”_

“Are so. You two all but cuddle during movie night. Plus, why do you think Steve was the one to tell you we all know about the lifts in your shoes?”

Tony grimaced.

“Still mad about that.”

“There is no shame in being somewhat short, Anthony.”

“You’re a _giant,_ Thor, that’s not really comforting coming from you.”

“I am not a giant, I am an Asgardian.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“But seriously, Stark, are you ever going to ask Steve out for real, or are we gonna have to lock you two out of the Tower until you go to dinner or something?”

Tony turned bright red.

“I-! I-It’s not like that!”

“Anthony, it is quite obvious that you have feelings for the good captain. And it is just as obvious that he shares them.”

The genius hesitated for a moment, then sighed.

“God, you make it sound so simple...”

“Is it not that simple?”

“No, Thor, it’s not.”

“Why not?”

“Because... it just can’t be that simple, right? Nothing in my life has ever been that simple, there’s always a catch.”

“Well, maybe you and Steve don’t _have_ to be complicated.” Sam said, leaning up against a tree. “You like Steve, Steve likes you. Who says it needs to be any more complicated than that?”

“Uh, the universe in general?”

Sam rolled his eyes.

“Tony, you’re a futurist. You’ve pretty much dedicated your life to breaking the rules. You’re seriously gonna let something good and simple slip away because of some rules you think exist?”

Before Tony could answer that, a rustling sound came from the treetops. Thor immediately got into a defensive position, his hammer bristling with lightning. Less than a second later, a creature burst out of the leaves, landing on its feet a small distance from the three men.

“WOOHOO!” Jen cheered from the creature’s back. “That was _awesome!”_

Bruce groaned, looking quite queasy as he leaned on the sabertooth tiger.

“This was a bad idea. Why did I let you talk me into it?”

“Because I know all of your weaknesses, duh.”

The scientist glared at his cousin as he got off of the beast’s back.

“You are the worst.”

“You love me.”

Bruce rolled his eyes.

“Sorry to interrupt this _fascinating_ conversation, really, but where the hell did you get a sabertooth tiger?” Tony asked.

“Hm? Oh, you mean Zabu? We’re borrowing him from Ka-Zar.”

Zabu growled indignantly.

“Sorry, I don’t speak tiger.” Jen stated, shrugging.

“He says that he belongs to no one.” Thor told her.

Everyone turned to stare at the Asgardian, each wearing confused expressions.

“What?”

“You speak tiger?”

“I speak everything. The All-Speak is an innate ability for Asgardians.” Thor replied with a shrug.

The tiger growled again.

“Aye, it would be helpful if everyone had the All-Speak.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, moving on from the fact that Thor apparently can communicate with tigers, have you two seen anyone else?”

“Well, yes.” Steve confirmed as he walked out of the trees, followed by Natasha and a tall, blond-haired teenager. “We did find them, after all.”

The teen walked over to the tiger, scratching under his chin.

“Thank you for helping, Zabu.”

The tiger growled softly.

“Well, I’m sorry, but the more we help them, the faster they will get out of here, so you’re just going to have to suck it up.”

Zabu glared at him.

“Don’t give me that look.”

Tony looked over at Steve.

“Okay, who’s He-Man Jr. over here?”

“He-Man Jr.?”

“Thor’s already He-Man.”

The Asgardian looked pleased at that.

Steve rolled his eyes.

“That is Ka-Zar. He lives here.”

The genius arched an eyebrow.

“Here, as in the place where there are dinosaurs?”

“Yep.”

“... Okay, then. So, we’ve found everyone except for... oh.”

Tony trailed off, looking at Natasha.

“Yeah.”

The spy sighed, sitting down on a nearby rock and running a hand through her hair tiredly. She kept her gaze on the ground, her hand moving to hold her arrow necklace.

Steve sighed, sitting down next to her.

“You okay?”

Natasha didn’t answer. Steve didn’t try to make her.

“He could... he could still be out there-!” Tony started.

“We’ve searched the entire area. We haven’t found him. And Clint doesn’t have the sense of direction to find his way out.”

She was silent.

“Cardinal rule of being a spy. Don’t fall in love.” Steve murmured, putting his hand on her shoulder. “You taught me that.”

Natasha laughed humorlessly.

“Guess I’m not much of a spy after all, then.”

* * *

“Seriously, how big can one jungle be?”

Clint shrugged.

“Jungles aren’t planned, so pretty damn big.”

Skye groaned.

“This sucks.”

“Agreed.” Matt said as he followed behind them. “There is a reason that I quit Boy Scouts.”

He paused.

“Well, two reasons, but one of them is that I _hate_ the great outdoors. And if all the times I’ve gotten poison ivy are any indication, the feeling is mutual.”

Clint rolled his eyes.

“You city kids and your aversion to nature. Shoulda gone with Bobbi and Triplett.”

“Shut up, Farm Boy. Besides, you were in the circus, you spent plenty of time in cities.”

“Yes, but I also spent a lot of time with animals. Big animals. Big animals that pooped a lot and would spray me with water for a joke.”

He grimaced.

“I will never forgive that elephant.”

Skye rolled her eyes.

Suddenly, Matt froze behind them.

“Did you guys hear that?”

“Do we have superhuman senses?”

“... Point taken.”

“What do your superhuman ears hear, Matthew?”

For a blind guy, Matt was pretty good at giving people unimpressed looks.

“Was that necessary?”

“Yes. Yes it was. Now, what did you-?!”

There was huge roar behind them.

“That. I heard that, although it was significantly farther away when I heard it.”

Clint pulled out his bow.

“Tactical retreat?” Skye asked, her hand on the grip of her gun as she started to back away.

“Tactical retreat.” Clint agreed as they ran into the more forested part of the jungle, weaving under branches and vines.

Matt turned his cane into a grappling-hook type thing, using it to swing into the trees as they ran through the jungle. However, within five minutes there was a crash, followed by yelling as Matt and another guy fell to the ground in a heap.

“Ow...”

“You okay, kid?” Clint checked as he ran over to the two guys, extending a hand to help the blind teen up.

“Yeah, think so...” Matt mumbled, taking the archer’s hand and standing up.

The other guy- a teen, really, one that couldn’t be much older than Matt- groaned as he sat up, rubbing the back of his head gingerly.

“Ow...” He mumbled quietly.

Clint frowned, walking over and crouching to the other teen’s eye level.

“Okay, one, who are you, and two, how did you get here?”

“I’m fine, thanks for the concern.” The blonde muttered as he stood up. “As for who I am, I am Ka-Zar, and this is my home.”

The archer gave Ka-Zar a look.

“You live here? As in the Savage Land?”

“Yes. You’re at least the third person to ask me that today, you know.”

“Wait, who else-?”

“Ka-Zar!”

Clint jerked his head up, his eyes going wide as a familiar face emerged from the trees.

“Jen?”

“Oh, hi Clint-! Oof!”

The lawyer grunted as her partner nearly tackled her to the ground.

“Matt?! What the hell are you-?!”

She paused, then grinned a little.

“Are you _crying?”_

“N-No!” He insisted, his voice muffled by her shoulder.

She ruffled his hair.

“You totally are.”

“No I’m not! Shut up!”

Jen sighed, pushing him back a bit and pressing a kiss to the blind teen’s forehead to comfort him.

“... Wait a minute. Why the _fuck_ are you here?! There are _dinosaurs!_ Angry dinosaurs! The Hulk threw like five of them!”

Matt grinned nervously.

“Well... uh... y’see...” He swallowed hard. “I’m Batman?”

“... No you’re not.”

“No I’m not, no. But I _am_ Daredevil.”

Jen blinked, her eyes widening when she comprehended what he just said.

_“WHAT?!”_

Before Matt could get a single word out, someone ran out of the trees.

“Jen, what’s-?! Matt?!” Steve yelled.

“Hi, Steve.”

“You. Are. Grounded. Grounded, do you hear me? For- until you’re my age!”

“Am I grounded from practicing law?”

“Yes! You are grounded from doing anything that doesn’t directly affect your survival!”

Matt pouted.

“That’s not gonna work, and you know it.”

He continued to pout.

“... Dammit. Fine, you’re not grounded from practicing law.”

Still pouting.

“I’m not gonna budge on the superhero thing.”

“Damn.”

“What’s going on?” Natasha asked as she emerged from the trees.

Clint couldn’t help but sigh in relief, smiling.

“Hi, Nat-!”

The archer blinked as she ran over to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

“... Uh, you... you okay, Tasha?”

“Shut up, Barton.”

He smiled, holding her and saying absolutely nothing.

“Ah, friends!” Thor greeted as he walked into view, followed by the other Avengers. “Barton! You live!”

“... Yes?”

Skye rolled her eyes, but Clint could tell she was barely holding back an excited squeal.

“Alright, good, we found everyone. Can we go home now?”

“Not yet, we still have to rendezvous with Bobbi and Triplett.”

“Ah, I can help with that!” Thor said as he lifted Mjolnir to the skies.

Tony’s eyes widened.

“Wait Thor don’t-!”

_Boom._

“... I hate everything.” Tony muttered darkly as they were all drenched in rain.

* * *

“This is the worst day. The worst!”

Steve rolled his eyes as they got off of the Bus.

“Tony, you’ve been complaining all the way here.”

“I will complain as much as I want to, I have had a _horrible_ day.”

The soldier sighed, then looked around at the hangar.

“So. This is SHIELD now, huh?”

“Technically, it’s just the hangar.” Natasha told him as she walked in front of them. “Alright, Avengers, follow me. We’re gonna meet the Director.”

“Wait, what?!” Skye yelled. “No, no, that’s-!”

Clint chuckled, ruffling Skye’s hair.

“Unofficial SHIELD Rule #1, kid: Don’t fuck with the Black Widow.”

* * *

“Yes, Major, I understand that the SHIELD collapse was very sudden, and I know that technically SWORD is still a government affiliate while SHIELD has been branded a terrorist organization. However, you and I both know that I’m not running a terrorist organization.”

Coulson paused for a moment.

“Because I am far too busy fighting Nazis to try and make that clear to the government. Besides, you’ve met Talbot. He is literally one of the least pleasant people on the planet.”

There was a knock at the door.

“It’s open!” He called, figuring it was just Simmons dropping off some test results or something.

“Hello, Director _Coulson.”_

The director froze when he looked up, his stomach dropping when he saw Natasha smirking while the rest of the Avengers stared at him in shock.

“... Major Danvers, I’m gonna have to call you back.”

Coulson hung up the phone, swallowing hard.

“... Well. First things first, I suppose. Not dead.”

“Clearly.” Tony replied, sounding a bit dazed.

Coulson turned to glare at Natasha.

“Why?”

“Because we almost got eaten by dinosaurs, sir.”

Before the director could yell at her, Thor pulled him out of his chair, squeezing him tightly. Coulson grunted in pain.

“Thor, ribs!”

“What’s going on in here-?”

Steve blinked, whipping his head around.

“Bucky?!”

“... Shit.” The former assassin muttered before turning on his heel and fled in the opposite direction.

“Barnes, come back here!” The soldier yelled as he chased after his old friend. He managed to catch him by his metal arm, but just as he was about to begin to talk...

_Pop._

“Wh- Hey! Don’t you need this?”

“Acceptable losses!”

“It’s an _arm!”_

“I can get a new one!”

Steve rolled his eyes, handing Bucky’s arm to Thor and running after the other man.

“Bucky! Just- wait up!”

“Never-! Oof!”

The soldier grunted as he tackled Bucky to the ground, sitting on his chest so he couldn’t get away.

“Why are you at SHIELD? What did you do?”

“... can’t... breathe...”

Steve blinked.

“Oh. Oh, shit, sorry!”

The soldier quickly got off of his friend, grabbing onto his shirt for good measure. Bucky gasped for air, coughing.

“Fucking... that was okay when we were twelve and you weighed seventy-five pounds soaking wet, it ain’t okay now that you’re built like Superman.”

Steve grinned, pulling Bucky into a hug.

“I missed you, asshole.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Punk.”

* * *

“Ah, home sweet home!” Clint declared as he walked through the doors to the communal floor. “I’m gonna veg out on the couch for two-!”

Natasha grabbed him by the collar, dragging her partner over to the elevator.

“Or I guess I’ll go this way.”

Steve rolled his eyes as the elevator doors closed.

“Tony, have I ever told that I’m very grateful that you soundproofed every room in the Tower?”

“No.”

“Well, I am.”

Tony sighed, collapsing on the couch as Thor walked into the floor, Jane in his arms.

“Honey, you don’t have to carry me.”

“You said that your feet hurt, my love.”

“That was a general statement, I wasn’t asking you to do anything about it.”

“Aye, but what sort of lover would I be if were to allow my future wife to be in pain?”

“... Okay, fair point.”

The Asgardian chuckled, walking over to the elevator.

“Ah, Nat and Clint just took the elevator, it’s probably not gonna be back for a couple of minutes.”

Thor nodded.

“I see. Then we shall take the stairs. Goodnight, friends.”

“Goodnight, Thor.” Steve replied as the Asgardian ascended the stairs, sighing as Bucky walked inside.

“Welcome to the Tower, Buck.”

The other soldier looked around the communal floor.

“... Kay. I’ve seen it. Can I go home now?”

“What, not impressive enough for ya?”

“It’s nice. I just wanna go home before Hunter eats all the pizza rolls again.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

_“Sir, Master Peter is home.”_

Bucky nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Who the hell was _that?!”_

_“I am Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, or Jarvis.”_

“Where are you?!”

_“I am everywhere.”_

Tony rolled his eyes again as he stood up.

“I regret watching _Lucy_ with you, Jarvis.”

_“I am aware, sir.”_

Tony rolled his eyes again, opening his mouth to speak when he accidentally bumped his arm against Steve’s.

“Oh, um, sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Steve assured him, biting back a wince at how quick his response was.

Tony smiled at him for just a moment. Steve smiled back.

Bucky cleared his throat, eyebrow arched and mouth twisted into a mischievous grin.

“Hey, Stark, did you know that Steve here has a ten-inch-!”

“Bucky _oh my god!”_ The soldier yelled, turning bright red as he rushed to cover his friend’s mouth.

Tony cleared his throat, his face flushed as he looked away.

“I... I’m, um... I’m gonna go see my son.”

“Y-Yeah, you, um, you should do that.” Steve agreed as he struggled to keep Bucky’s mouth covered.

The genius didn’t look at him, keeping his eyes elsewhere as the elevator doors closed.

Steve sighed, then realized that his palm was wet.

“Ew! Bucky!”

The former assassin stuck his tongue out at the soldier.

“Real mature.” He grimaced. “Why the hell did you say that?”

“To help you get laid. Duh.”

“Why would I-?” Steve blinked. “W... Wait, you... you knew that I’m-?”

“Not straight? Yes.”

“B... But how did you-?”

“Clark Gable.”

“Wh- but-!”

“And James Howlett.”

“Th-That was-!”

“The most obvious thing in the entire world, Rogers.”

Steve grimaced.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything? You know how afraid I was that you’d hate me if you found out?”

Bucky gave him a confused look.

“I... I did talk to you about it. After the movie, remember?”

“Wh-? Bucky, you literally just asked me if I thought Gable was handsome, and after I said yes you told me I was your best friend no matter what.”

“That’s talking.”

“No it-!” Steve groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. “God, you’re awful.”

“Coming from the guy who’s obviously got the biggest damn crush on someone and can’t spit it out to save his life? I ain’t that offended.”

Steve flushed, swallowing hard.

“I... I, um, actually... we may have almost had sex earlier.”

Bucky blinked.

“You... almost had sex with him.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re gonna have actual sex with him later, right?”

“Wh-! No!”

“Why not?”

“B-Because we didn’t talk about it, I don’t know where I stand!”

“You... haven’t talked to him about almost having sex.”

“No.”

Bucky paused for a moment before slapping his old friend upside the head.

“Ow! What was that for-?!”

“Talk to him. Right now. You are _not_ allowed to make this into another Peggy, Rogers.”

“Wh-! Bucky-!”

The other soldier grimaced.

“Actually, scratch that. Take a shower first, you are _ripe.”_

* * *

Steve swallowed hard, staring at Tony’s door.

_Okay, Rogers, you can do this. Just... just take a deep breath, and knock. Don’t think about what you thought about you thought about in the shower earlier._

He paused.

_... Crap, now I_ am _thinking about that._

Before Steve could get too flustered about that, though, Tony’s door opened, revealing the billionaire behind it.

“O-Oh, um, hi... sorry, am I in your way?”

Tony cleared his throat, glancing at the floor.

“W-Well, no, uh... Jarvis actually told me that you were here.”

“Oh.”

_Damn you, Jarvis._

Neither of them spoke for a moment, not making eye contact. Finally, Steve sighed, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously.

“L... Look, I... I think we should... should talk. About what happened earlier, I mean.”

Tony swallowed hard, glancing up at Steve with a nervous look in his eyes.

“You... you don’t have to say it, I understand.”

The soldier blinked.

“W-Wait, you... you do?”

“Yeah, of course. I get that you were, um, caught up in the moment, and- and I’m sorry if I took advantage-!”

“Wait, what? Oh, Tony, no, I...”

Hesitantly, the blonde took one of Tony’s hands in his.

“Tony, I... I _wanted_ to do that. I _really_ wanted to do that.”

The genius blinked, looking at Steve with wide eyes.

“You... really?”

“Y... Yeah. I... I, um... I still want to.” He admitted, flushing a bit.

The next thing the soldier knew, Tony was kissing him.

“Come in.” Tony whispered against his lips.

Steve smiled, picking Tony up.

“Can do.” He said as the door closed behind them.

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I repeat: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
> (also I wrote the sex scene between Steve and Tony. I shall be posting it tomorrow under the title "Sleeping With a Friend")


	20. Over and Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and Pepper are so done with Steve and Tony. Bruce does in fact have a life outside of Tony. Virgil returns with a new family member.

_“... Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play, and the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, I shake it off, shake it off!”_

Steve groaned, rolling over and fumbling with the alarm for a moment before managing to hit the snooze button.

“‘S too early for Taylor Swift...” He murmured, closing his eyes again.

Then he opened them wide, realizing that he wasn’t in his own bed. The mattress was too soft, and in any case he’d set his alarm to beep rather than play music.

_Oh, god, no. No, no, no. Not again. Please, not again._

Steve’s heart was racing wildly, his stomach dropping in dread.

Had he gone under again? Was that why he was in a bed other than his own? Oh, god-!

“Mmm...”

Steve blinked, sitting up slightly and looking to his right. Tony was fast asleep beside him, snoring softly into his pillow.

_Oh._

Relief spread through him as he laid back down.

He hadn’t gone under. He was still in 2014. He was just in Tony’s bed, that was all.

Steve snuggled into the other man, feeling blissfully content.

Then he realized that he was in Tony’s bed.

His eyes went wide, feeling like his face had been lit on fire.

_Holy shit I am in Tony Stark’s bed._

His heart raced wildly.

_Oh my god I had sex with Tony Stark. I had really_ good _sex with Tony Stark. I had really good sex with the man I love with all my heart and he is asleep next to me and drooling into his pillow and oh god he’s so cute and-!_

Steve sat up, running his hand through his hair.

_Okay, okay, calm down. It was just sex. Sex for the first time. Sex for the first time both in general and for the first time with Tony fuckin’ Stark._

He glanced down at Tony, who was still asleep. His beard was looking a little unkempt, and his hair was a complete mess (both due to sleep and to Steve), but he looked so damn peaceful like that, so carefree and content.

Despite the fact that he was still a little freaked out, Steve smiled. God, he had it bad for this man.

As quietly as possible, the soldier leaned over, kissing Tony’s forehead gently. The genius stirred, rolling over and yawning before opening his eyes.

“Oh, um, sorry.”

Tony looked over at him with bleary eyes, staring for a second before comprehending what he was looking at and bolting upright.

“S... Steve?!” He asked (though it was more of a squeak really) as his eyes went wide and his face turned red.

“Y... Yeah. Good morning.”

“Wh-Why are you in my-?! Oh.”

Steve rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Y-Yeah.”

“W... We had sex.”

“Yes we did.” He swallowed. “W-Well, not, um, y’know, _sex_ sex, but... sex.”

Tony snickered.

“What?”

“Butt sex.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“Really?”

“Hey, Shakespeare liked sex jokes and puns too, pal, and fancy-ass scholars sing his praises all the time.”

Steve sighed.

“You’re impossible.”

Tony smiled, leaning over and pressing his lips against Steve’s softly. Steve smiled into the kiss, tangling one of his hands in Tony’s hair.

_“... ooh, ooh, you got me in the mood, mood...”_

Tony’s eyes widened, the genius immediately pushing Steve away.

“Shit! I have to go to a shareholder’s meeting today, shit!”

“Wh-?”

Tony bolted out of bed, dashing over to his bathroom and all but slamming the door behind him.

“... Okay, then.” Steve mumbled to himself, running a hand through his hair. “Guess that’s my cue to leave.”

The music played on as Steve gathered up his clothes and got dressed.

_“... But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end, I said, ooh, ooh, we’re in danger, sleeping with a friend...”_

The soldier snorted.

“You got that right.” He muttered bitterly as he closed the door to Tony’s bedroom.

“G’mornin’, Steeb.”

Steve nearly jumped out of his skin, whirling around.

“Oh, um, Peter! G... Good morning!”

The little boy yawned, shifting Bucky bear (he needed to show that to Bucky, the look on his face would be _priceless)_ in his arms.

“Why were you in Daddy’s room, Steeb?”

_Shit, shit, shit! Okay, thinkthinkthink._

“Uh...?”

“Steeb? You okay?”

_Can’t think, work on instinct._

“We... we weren’t doing anything weird.”

_Instincts bad._

Peter gave him a confused, yet sleepy look.

“What were you doin’, then?”

“... Talking.”

“About what?”

“... Grown-up things.”

The little boy stared at him for a moment, then yawned.

“‘Kay. What’s for breakfast?”

Steve sighed in relief.

_He bought it._

“I dunno, kiddo. Let’s go see.”

Peter trudged forward, grabbing Steve’s hand as they walked towards the stairs.

As the little boy started talking about what he wanted for breakfast, Steve glanced back at Tony’s door.

_It’s... it’s better this way... right?_

* * *

Natasha was suspicious.

This was pretty normal for her; she was a spy, after all, it was her _job_ to be suspicious.

However, she usually wasn’t suspicious of one Steve Rogers, who hadn’t even touched his french toast, despite the fact that it was his favorite non-Irish breakfast food (all she knew about that was that it had something to do with Steve’s mom).

“You alright there, Cap?” She asked before taking a sip of her coffee.

The soldier’s shoulders jerked upward, his face turning red.

“F-Fine! Perfectly fine!”

The spy quirked an eyebrow.

“You sure? You haven’t even touched your french toast.”

“Which I slaved over.” Clint added.

“Shut up, Clint. Seriously, Steve, are you alright?”

“I-!”

Just then, Tony burst out of the elevator, shrugging on a grey suit jacket.

“Late, late, I’m gonna be late and Pepper is gonna kill me, late!”

“Good mornin’, Daddy.” Peter greeted cheerfully.

Tony hummed in response, running over and pressing a kiss to his son’s forehead as he grabbed a piece of toast.

“Morning, baby. Steve, can you take Peter to school for me?”

“W-Well, I-!”

“Great, thanks, he needs to be there in an hour, I’ll have Jarvis program in the address for you one of my cars, keys’ll be on the hook over by the door to the garage, thanks again, I love you Peter, bye!”

“Tony-!” Steve called just as the doors to the elevator closed.

The soldier sighed, running a hand through his hair. Despite the weariness of the sigh, there was a small smile on his face.

Natasha’s eyes narrowed.

“Okay, that’s it.”

“Wh- Hey!” Steve protested as the spy grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, dragging him into another room and slamming the door behind them.

“Alright, talk. What’s going on between you and Stark?”

Steve hesitated for a moment, his cheeks turning red.

“... Tony and I had sex last night.” He admitted quietly.

Natasha blinked.

“You... you had sex.”

“Y... Yeah. W-Well, not, um, _sex_ sex...” He mumbled, making a rather lewd gesture with his fingers. “But... yeah.”

“You and Tony.”

“Yes.”

The spy paused for a moment, then smiled.

“Well, finally. Thought you two were never gonna get together.”

The soldier grimaced, hesitating for a moment.

“We’re... not actually _together,_ so to speak.”

“... What?”

“Well, um, we didn’t really talk about what last night meant in the context of, y’know, a relationship, so I don’t really think I can say that we’re, um, _dating_. Plus, I, um... I never actually told him how I feel...”

“... You slept with the guy you’re crazy about, and you didn’t talk about what it meant, nor did you tell him you’re in love with him.”

“Th-That’s about it, yeah.”

Natasha paused for only a moment before slapping him upside the head.

“Ow! Why do people keep doing that?!”

“Вы тупица!”

“Я нет!”

“Вы так тупица! Ты ослепления, чем Мэтт!”

“... Okay, I didn’t get most of that.”

Natasha rolled her eyes.

“I said, ‘you are so a dumbass! You’re blinder than Matt!’”

“H-How am I blinder than Matt?”

“Because you can’t see what’s right in front of you!”

“Well, technically neither can he-!”

“Shut up!”

The spy groaned, running a hand through her hair.

“My _god_ you’re dense.”

“I am not!”

“Yes you are. Now, when Tony gets home, I want you to tell him how you feel.”

Steve blushed.

“I... I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“No I can’t.”

She sighed again.

“Say ‘I love you’.”

The soldier gave her a confused look.

“I... I love you?”

“Great, now just say that to Stark.”

“Wh- Natasha, it’s not that easy!”

“Why not?”

Steve groaned, running a hand through his hair.

“It just... it isn’t, okay?”

“Yes, it is, Rogers. Just tell him. I’m fairly sure you’ll be happy with his answer.”

“... And what if I’m not?”

“Then I’ll punch Stark in the face and we will have a rom-com marathon and eat way too much ice cream. Duh.”

Despite himself, Steve smiled.

“... Thanks, Tasha.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m great, whatever. Now, go take a shower, and wear that light blue button up, it looks good on you. I’ll take the kid to school.”

Steve sighed.

“Fine, fine...”

She rolled her eyes as the soldier walked over to the stairs.

“Hey, детеныш?”

“Yeah, Tasha?”

“Is it alright if I take you to school instead of Steve?”

“Uh-huh!” Peter paused for a moment. “How come Steeb can’t take me, though?”

_Because he needs to not stink when he says something very important to your father._

“He’s just really tired, sweetheart.”

“‘Kay!”

* * *

“Alright, so it’s the red one, right?”

_“That is correct, Agent Romanov.”_

The spy hummed a bit, twirling the keyring around with her finger.

“Good. Do you need help buckling up, Peter?”

“Yup!”

Natasha chuckled as she helped the boy into his carseat, making sure the straps were all tight and buckled.

“You all set?”

“Uh-huh!”

The spy smiled as she closed the door, getting into the driver’s seat and starting the car.

They drove in silence for a while, content to be quiet.

“... Hey, Tasha?”

“Yes, милый?”

“Are my daddy an’ Steeb in love?”

Natasha blinked, then smiled.

“You figured it out, huh?”

“Uh-huh. They look at each other like Mama an’ Papa used to.” He paused for a minute. “Hey, d’you think that if Steeb marries Daddy, I’ll get _two_ ice creams for Father’s Day?”

The spy couldn’t help but laugh.

* * *

Tony sighed as he walked out of the boardroom, leaning against the wall and running a hand through his hair.

“That went well, and surprisingly enough I’m not being sarcastic.” Pepper said as she walked out of the boardroom herself.

The inventor hummed distractedly, never looking at her.

Pepper sighed.

“Alright, Tony, what’s wrong?”

“Wh- Nothing’s wrong, why would something be wrong?” Tony replied quickly, looking up at Pepper.

Pepper rolled her eyes.

“Anthony Edward Stark, I have worked with you long enough to know that you don’t put that much effort into corporate stuff unless you’re trying to keep your mind off something. Fess up.”

Tony swallowed hard, turning his gaze back to the floor.

“I... I don’t know where to begin.”

“... Does it have something to do with the guys who kidnapped you and the other Avengers?”

“No, it’s not... I slept with Steve last night.”

The CEO blinked.

“You... you what?”

“Steve and I had sex.”

“You had sex with Steve.”

“Yeah.”

“As in, Steve Rogers, aka Captain America?”

“I don’t think I know any other guys named Steve.”

“... You’re serious.”

“As a heart attack.”

Pepper stared at him for a moment, then smiled.

“Well, finally.”

Tony did a double-take.

“Wh- Wait, y-you _knew?!”_

“Tony, you were so obvious about the fact that you’re head-over-heels in love with the guy that I’m surprised Steve himself didn’t know.”

She paused.

“He _didn’t,_ did he?”

“... No.” He hesitated. “And... he doesn’t actually know _now.”_

She stared at him for a minute.

“What.”

“I... I didn’t actually _tell_ him that I’m... y’know.”

“You didn’t _tell him?!_ Tony, you had _sex_ with him, how can you not have _told_ him?!”

Tony threw his hands up in the air.

“I don’t know, it- it just sort of happened, okay?! Look, we... we made out when we were in the Savage Land, and when we talked about it later, we... it just happened, Pepper, I didn’t have time to plan out a big speech or something!”

The CEO groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration.

“Okay, okay. Go home.”

Tony blinked. “Wait, what?”

“Go home, Tony. I can handle the other meetings, and you have got to tell him how you feel, do you hear me?”

“B-But-!”

“No buts. Go home.”

* * *

Steve sighed as he got out of the shower, grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist.

_Okay, you can do this. For real this time. You’re gonna put on that blue shirt you look nice in, go up to Tony, and say “I love you.”_

He swallowed hard as he dried his hair off.

_Easy enough. Just... just gotta say it, that’s all._

Suddenly, there was a knock at the super soldier’s door, startling Steve as he finished putting on his pants.

“Just a sec!” He called, tossing the towel to the side as he walked over to the door and opened it.

“Yeah-? Oh.”

He cleared his throat, looking Tony right in the eyes.

“Um... hi.”

“Y-Yeah, um, hi... You’re all wet.” Tony commented.

“W-Well, um, I was... I was just in the shower, so...”

“Oh, um, that makes sense...”

They both looked away, faces flushed.

“I-!” They both started, stopping when the other spoke.

“Oh, um, you go first...”

“N-No, it’s, um, you can go first...”

Neither of them ended up speaking.

Tony’s eyes darted down to Steve’s chest, the genius biting his lip.

Steve swallowed hard, running a hand through his hair.

“So, I, uh...”

Tony practically lunged forward, pulling Steve down so that he could have better access to his lips. Steve wrapped his arms around the inventor’s waist, lifting him up easily.

He all but slammed the door behind him.

* * *

“You had sex with him _twice?!”_

“Uh-huh.” Steve admitted miserably.

“And you _still_ didn’t tell him?!”

“Nope.”

Natasha stared incredulously at the soldier for a moment, then threw her hands up in the air.

“One job, Rogers! _One_ job!”

“Hey, I’m not happy about it either!”

He paused for a moment.

“Well, that’s a lie, I’m _very_ happy about the sex thing, but I’m not thrilled about the fact that I still haven’t gotten up the courage to tell Tony how I feel.”

Natasha sighed, covering her face with her hands.

“You are _hopeless.”_

“I know.”

* * *

Bruce was pretty used to Tony’s weirdness at this point. It was a normal part of his everyday life now.

However, that didn’t mean that he appreciated his friend barging into his lab.

“I am _awful.”_

“Is that a general statement, or is there a reason for your awfulness? Also, thank you for knocking, it’s much appreciated-!”

“I slept with Steve.”

Bruce blinked, turning away from his computer.

“Uh... Tony?”

“I slept with Steve last night, and also today, we actually had sex like _twice_ today-!”

“Tony-!”

“And god, Bruce, I am _completely_ in love with him, but I can’t fucking spit it out-!”

“Tony!” Bruce finally shouted.

“What?”

He pointed at the screen.

“Have you met my girlfriend Betty?”

Tony’s eyes widened.

“Oh.”

Betty waved.

“Hello, Tony. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Uh... hi.”

He gestured to the door.

“I’m... I’m just gonna leave now.”

“You do that.”

Betty laughed as Tony left the room.

“You’re right, he _is_ a giant dork.”

 

* * *

 

_Okay. So. I just revealed the fact that Steve and I did it to a perfect stranger. Well, not a perfect stranger; Bruce has told me enough about Betty that I pretty much know her already, but still. I am an_ ass.

Tony grimaced as the elevator doors opened, walking through the communal floor.

When he passed the couch, he paused, walking back.

“... Okay, who gave Barton a puppy?”

“I did.”

Tony whirled around.

“Virgil! Where the _hell_ have you been?!”

“Obtaining a puppy.”

Tony blinked.

“Why?!”

“Because you said Peter wanted one. As his big brother, I am obligated to attempt to fulfill his wishes.”

“Wh- That is not how it works at _all!”_

“I _wish_ that was how it worked.” Clint commented as the puppy attempted to lick him again. “Why couldn’t you have been _my_ brother?”

“You _have_ a brother.” Natasha said.

“Barney is an asshole.”

Natasha shrugged.

“True.”

Tony groaned.

“You can’t keep the puppy.”

“But we already named him! His name is Lucky.”

“No.”

Clint pouted, holding the dog up.

“Pleeaaasseee?”

“... The dog has one eye, Barton.”

“He is a very healthy dog. I checked.” Virgil informed him.

“One. Eye. Peter will freak out!”

“Why would I freak out, Daddy?” Peter asked as he walked into the communal floor, Steve trailing behind him.

Before Tony could say a single word, Peter gasped, his eyes going wide.

“PUPPY!” He squealed, running over to the dog.

Clint looked up at Tony.

“Freak out, huh?”

“Shut up.” Tony sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Fine, you can keep the puppy.”

Both Peter and Clint cheered, Lucky barking happily along with them.

“Pretty cool big brother, right?” Virgil asked, ruffling Peter’s hair.

The boy frowned.

“I’m the big brother.”

“What? No way.”

“Yes way! I’m older than you!”

“Uh, I’m a mental age of fourteen, you’re four, I’m older.”

“Nah-uh! I saw you gettin’ built, so I’m older!”

Tony groaned.

“And the sibling rivalry begins...”

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus begins the argument that never ends. Not even when they have kids of their own.  
> Also, I was very tempted to make the chapter title "Avengers Origins: Pizza Dog."  
> Translations:  
> Вы тупица!: You dumbass!  
> Я нет!: I am not!  
> Вы так тупица! Ты ослепления, чем Мэтт!: You are so a dumbass! You're blinder than Matt!  
> детеныш: Cub  
> милый: Dear


	21. Galactic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil and Darcy are not allowed to be in the same room without supervision anymore. Gamora is still surrounded by idiots. Steve is very good at comforting people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished a paper, so I'm pretty tired, but here ya go.  
> Also AoS is on Netflix now and I'm mad because I already bought the whole season on Amazon. I WASTED MONEY.

Steve exhaled as he rolled over to his back, running a hand through his sweat-drenched hair.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.” He breathed.

“That’s a new one.” Tony commented, propping himself up on his elbow and grinning at the super soldier. “Really tuckered you out, huh? And all it took was a week for me to figure out how.”

“I literally just shagged you stupid, you’re in no place to be givin’ me cheek.”

The genius blinked, giving Steve a confused look.

“What’s with the sudden change in accent?”

Steve frowned.

“What d’you mean?”

“See, there it is again!”

“Tony, don’t be cute now, just tell me what you’re on about!”

“Hey, I’m always cute! You said so yourself!”

“What are you-? Oh.”

Steve flushed, covering his face with his hands.

“Feckin’ hell.”

“Okay, seriously, what is with the accent? When did Captain America become all ‘Faith and Begorrah?’”

The soldier sighed, looking up at his lover.

“First, that is probably the worst Irish accent I’ve ever heard. Second, no self-respecting Irish person has ever said the word ‘Begorrah’ without being sarcastic.”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“Fine, whatever, don’t trust Hollywood, but _what_ is with that accent? Have you been pretending to be American this whole time?”

“I was born in Brooklyn, Stark, I’m American. My ma was an Irish immigrant, and for the most part the only people I knew for the first five years of my life were Irish too.”

“Seriously?”

“Yep.”

A second or two passed before Tony burst out laughing.

“Wh- It’s not funny, ya dope!”

“Y-Yes it is! Captain America is _Irish!”_

Steve groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Lay off! I’m tired, okay? And- And it’s not as if it happens all that often, anyway! Only when I’m really tired!”

Tony snickered, moving over to straddle the soldier’s lap. He gently took Steve’s hands in his, lifting them off of his face.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Cap. It’s just... I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”

The genius leaned over, pressing a kiss against Steve’s lips.

“Besides, it’s cute.”

Steve blinked, then blushed, smiling just a little.

“R... Really?”

“Yeah.” Tony smirked. “‘s kinda _hot,_ actually.”

The soldier paused, then smiled, moving his hands to rest on Tony’s hips.

“Maybe I’ll be usin’ it more often, then.”

“Ah, but then people might think you’re not American.”

“Mm, _is féidir leo go léir póg mo thóin._ ” Steve replied, rolling them over so that he was on top of the inventor.

Before they could even think about going for round two, though, there was a shrill beep.

_“Sir?”_

“Mm, go away Jarvis, I’m busy.” Tony commanded as Steve moved to kiss at his collarbone.

_“I can see that. However, I’m afraid that there’s been an incident in your workshop.”_

The genius sighed as his lover started to kiss his way down his chest.

“So? That’s why the workshop has a separate sprinkler system-!”

Tony suddenly giggled.

“Aw, come on, Steve, you know I’m ticklish near my belly button!”

The soldier stuck his tongue out at the inventor, then moved his head down.

_“Sir, it is not that type of incident. Do you remember that strange portal that was found near the Amazon?”_

“Ugh, Jarvis, you’re killing my boner here.”

_“I am sorry, sir, but I don’t think you can get out of this. Dr. Foster has requested your presence.”_

“Aw, come on!” Tony whined.

Steve sighed, getting off of his lover and grabbing his pants.

“Come on, you know how she gets when she gets cranky.”

“Yeah, yeah...”

Tony paused for a moment.

“Uh, Steve? You know you’re still wearing the condom, right?”

“Wh- Dammit!”

* * *

Jane sighed.

“Darcy, what have I told you about touching things that say ‘Do not touch’?”

“... Not to do it?”

“Yes. And what did you do?”

“Well, technically, _Virgil_ is the one who touched the portal thingy.”

“Oh, sure, throw me under the bus!”

Jane pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Ugh. Alright, alright. Clint, is he doing anything?”

“Nope. He’s just standing there... _menacingly.”_

“... Really?”

“Well, no. He actually looks more confused than anything. I think.”

“Who is this ‘he’ that you speak of?” Tony asked as he entered the hall outside his workshop.

“Hey, Stark. Where’s Steve?” Clint asked, never taking his eyes off the creature holed up in Tony’s workshop.

“He’s, uh, he’s coming.”

“I would think that he already came.” Bruce commented idly, never looking up from his tablet.

Tony spluttered, turning bright red.

“Wh- Bruce! You weren’t supposed to-! I-I, uh, I mean, I don’t know what Steve does with his free time, nor do I care. Yeah.”

“Sure you don’t.”

Tony glared at him just as Steve got out of the elevator.

“What’s the situation?”

Jane gave him a tight smile, pointing at Virgil and Darcy.

“... Okay, what did you do?”

Darcy pointed at Virgil.

“He did it, not me.”

“Wh- You dared me to do it!”

“You didn’t _have_ to do it!”

“Kids!” Tony shouted. “What. Did. You. Do?”

“... We turned the space portal thing on.” Virgil admitted, grinning nervously.

Tony blinked.

“You what?”

“Turned on the space portal. And that thing came out. And then the portal broke.”

“... Virgil.”

“Yes, Dad?”

“You’re grounded.”

“I thought I might be.”

Tony groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Okay, okay. Let’s just... what came out?”

“Come see for yourself.” Clint told him, walking away from the window.

Tony and Steve looked at each other for a moment, then walked over to the window.

“... Seriously? _That’s_ what you’re hiding from?”

“It’s weird looking!”

“It’s a _tree.”_

“A talking tree! That moves!”

“Wh- Moves? The thing is not-! _Fucking hell it moved!”_

“Aw, look, he’s waving at us!” Steve said cheerfully.

“Steve, that is not a voice you use for tree monsters! That is a voice for Peters and puppies!”

“C’mon, look at him! He’s cute!”

“Cute as in adorable, or cute as in how the _Irish_ use cute?”

Steve gave him a look.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Steve rolled his eyes, walking over to the door.

“Jarvis, unlock the door.”

_“Yes, Captain Rogers.”_

The door clicked as it unlocked, Steve opening it and walking down the stairs.

“Uh... hi.”

The creature turned around, looking puzzled.

“So, obviously you have no idea where you are.”

The creature shook his head.

“Right. Well, this... this is Earth. Do you know what Earth is?”

The creature nodded.

“Good. My name is Steve. Who are you?”

“... I am Groot.”

* * *

“What do you _mean,_ you don’t know where he is?!”

“Well, I’m sorry! Look, I took my eyes offa the guy for half a minute, and he was gone when I looked back!”

Peter groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“You lost a _talking tree!”_

“I ain’t proud of it! I’m well aware that the guy’s pretty much a really stupid puppy!” Rocket protested.

“Groot is not a puppy. He is Groot.” Drax commented.

“I’m surrounded by idiots.” Gamora muttered.

“Rocket, you’re grounded.”

“Wh- Why?!”

“Because I told you to watch Groot, and now we don’t know where he is!”

Rocket snorted.

“Well, yeah, not yet. If we get back to the ship, though, I can probably figure it out.”

“... Why?”

“Cause I put a tracker on the idiot. Duh.”

Peter stared at him for a moment.

“And why didn’t you mention this _earlier?!”_

“You didn’t ask.”

* * *

“Once again.”

“I am Groot.”

“Nope, nothing. Okay, try again... now.”

“I am Groot.”

“Still nothing. Alright... now.”

“I am Groot.”

“Nope.”

“Virgil, what are you doing?” Tony asked as he walked into the living room.

“I am attempting to find what frequency Groot speaks on. I have caught small snippets of words that are not ‘I’ or ‘am’ or ‘Groot’, but I have not been able to match the specific frequency he uses.”

“Huh. How do you know it’s a frequency thing?”

“When Thor attempted to use the All-Speak to communicate with him, he was unsuccessful, therefore Groot is not speaking a language on a frequency within human- or Asgardian- hearing. Groot understands us perfectly, and the tone of ‘I am Groot’ changes with each answer. Therefore, it seems to be reasonable to assume that he _is_ responding in a known language, but cannot be understood.”

“By humans or Asgardians.”

“That is correct.”

“And how do you know that _you’ll_ be able to understand him?”

“I am an android.” Virgil responded rather smugly.

Tony rolled his eyes, then frowned.

“Why does Groot have Lucky?”

“I am Groot.”

“Good for you, big guy. Virgil?”

“He wanted to hold Lucky.”

“And you let him?”

“As a wise man once said, ‘Let the Wookie win.’”

“Groot isn’t a Wookie.”

“Fine, let the giant tree alien win.” Virgil’s eyes flashed. “Alright, Groot, once more.”

The tree creature sighed.

“I. Am. Groot.”

Virgil’s head jerked back.

“Oh, hey, I got it!”

He paused for a moment.

“Hey!” The android yelled, sounding offended.

“What? What did he say?”

There was a sound like a tape rewinding.

_“Can. You. Hear. Me. Now. You. Strange. Bucket. Of. Bolts?”_

Tony burst out laughing.

“Oh, man, I like this guy!”

“Dad!”

Groot stuck his tongue out.

“I am Groot.”

_“Your father has good taste.”_

Tony looked over at Steve.

“Can we keep him?”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“No, Tony, we can’t keep the tree alien.”

“Aw! Why not?”

“I am Groot.”

_“Because then a very angry test subject will try to rip your eyes out.”_

Everyone stared at the tree for a moment.

“I am Groot.”

_“His name is Rocket. He does not like people.”_

“Y... Yeah, I gathered that.”

Just then, the elevator door dinged, revealing Pepper and Peter.

“Hi, Daddy, we’re- Daddy, why is there a tree in the livin’ room?” Peter asked, sounding a hell of a lot like Pepper.

“First of all, it’s kind of sad that you’re only four and have that tone down perfectly. Second, technically he’s not a tree.”

Groot turned around, and Peter’s eyes went wide.

“Peter, this is Groot. He’s an alien.”

The little boy gasped, his lips spreading into a huge grin.

“You found an _alien?!”_

“Actually, _I_ found the alien.” Virgil commented.

“Yes, and you’re still grounded.”

“I know.”

Peter climbed up on to the couch, staring up at the alien.

“This is _so cool!”_

“I am Groot.”

_“Peter Quill, why are you small now? Is it Rocket’s fault?”_

“Who’s Peter Quill?” Peter asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Wait, Peter _Quill?_ You mean that kid that disappeared in 1988?”

“I am Groot.” Groot said with a shrug.

_“I do not know. He does not enjoy talking about his past much.”_

“Seriously, Tony, who’s Peter Quill?”

“He was this kid from Iowa who disappeared back in 1988. Apparently, he vanished just after his mom died, pretty much into thin air. There was a manhunt for about a year. God, he’s _alive?”_

“I am Groot.”

_“As far as I know.”_

Tony whistled.

“Man, I can’t believe those conspiracy nuts were _right.”_

* * *

“Have you found him yet?”

“No.”

“... How about now?”

_“No.”_

“... Okay, how about-?”

_“QUILL I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP I WILL HIT YOU WITH A WRENCH!”_

Peter held up his hands.

“Whoa, jeez, calm down!”

“Shut it! I’m doing my best here, and you’re not helping with your pestering!”

Gamora sighed.

“Boys, stop arguing. It won’t help us find Groot. Rocket, work. Quill, listen to music.”

Peter pouted.

“No pouting.”

The outlaw rolled his eyes, putting his headphones.

For a few minutes, the Milano was silent, save for the muffled sound of Peter’s music and the intermittent beeps from the computer. Then, there was a loud, shrill series of constant beeps, the screen lighting up in one particular spot.

“Ah, found ‘em!”

Gamora and Drax walked over to the computer.

“Where is- Wait a minute.”

The assassin sighed, walking over to the dancing man and pulling off his headphones.

“Hey!”

“Rocket found Groot.”

Peter blinked, running over to the computer.

“Where is he?”

“Some tiny planet called... E-Arth.”

“... That’s _Earth_ , you potato with eyes.”

“Rocket is not a potato.”

“I take it back, _Drax_ is the potato with eyes.”

* * *

Peter yawned as he walked into the communal floor, squinting in the dim light.

“L’see... where does Daddy keep the glasses again?”

Suddenly, he heard a small whimper from over by the couch. The little boy paused, looking over at the living area.

“... Groot?”

“... I am Groot.”

“Yeah, I know-! Oh, right, the frequency thingy.”

He yawned, trudging over to the elevator.

“Hang on a sec, I’ll get Virgil.”

* * *

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“I was thirsty, an’ then I saw Groot, an’ he was all scared, so just help me.”

Virgil rolled his eyes as the little boy dragged him into the living room.

“Okay, Groot, what’s wrong?”

“... I am Groot.”

_“I miss my friends.”_

Peter blinked.

“Oh. _Oh.”_

“I am Groot.”

_“It has been a very long time since I have been away from them. I find that I cannot sleep.”_

The little boy smiled softly.

“That’s okay. Sometimes Daddy has to go places an’ can’t come home ‘til after I’m asleep. I can’t sleep when that happens either.”

He walked over to the shelf by the TV, getting up on his tiptoes and grabbing something.

“I found somethin’ that helps with that, though.”

* * *

Steve yawned as he got out of the elevator, walking onto the communal floor.

It was a bit of his ritual of his to grab a glass of warm milk just before bed. It helped him fall asleep, especially just after he got out of the ice.

_“... The sun’ll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun...”_

The soldier paused, glancing over at the living area. The TV was on, a woman with dark hair singing softly to a small boy in her arms.

“What on earth...?” Steve started as he walked over to the couch. Groot and Peter were fast asleep, the alien holding the small boy in his arms. On the other end of the couch, Virgil was lying on his side, eyes closed.

Steve smiled, reaching over and ruffling Peter’s hair.

_“... When I’m stuck with a day that’s grey and lonely, I just stick out my chin, and grin, and say...”_

“Peter?! Where are-?!”

Tony halted in his panic as he ran into the living room, his eyes going wide when he saw the TV screen.

_“The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, so you gotta hang on ‘til tomorrow, come what may!”_

Steve smiled at Tony, putting a finger to his lips.

“Peter and Groot are asleep. I think Virgil’s in standby...”

He frowned, seeing the look on Tony’s face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Tony blinked, swallowing hard and looking away.

“N... Nothing.” He claimed, his voice cracking at the end.

Steve arched an eyebrow, walking over to Tony and grabbing his shoulders gently.

“Tony, what’s wrong?”

“I...”

He looked up at the soldier, his eyes wet.

“... That’s my mom.”

Steve’s eyes went wide.

“Wh... What?”

“My mom. Maria Stark. She’s... she’s the one in the video, singing. W-We, uh, we went to the premiere of the musical together, right before my seventh birthday, and... whenever I was upset, she’d sing that song to me.”

Tony wiped at his eyes, his throat hitching.

“Oh, Tony...” Steve said softly, moving his hands to his lover’s cheeks.

“I... god, I haven’t heard that song in years... She used to sing it to me on my birthday, too. Right before she and my dad went on that drive, she...”

Steve’s heart dropped.

“She... they died on your birthday?”

“April 26th.” He leaned into Steve’s chest. “I... she wasn’t even supposed to _be_ in the car, the only reason she went with Dad was because... Howard and I had an argument, and he was leaving, and... I told her to get out. I-If I hadn’t told her to get out, she might have... she might still be here-!”

“Tony.” Steve interrupted gently, tilting the billionaire’s chin up. “Honey, it wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have _known_ what would happen.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at her, I... she was just trying to help, like she always tried. She wasn’t a perfect mom, but god she tried to be. And- And I miss her. I miss her so much, Steve...”

The soldier swallowed hard, pulling Tony close to him. He could feel the front of his shirt getting soaked from Tony’s tears, but he found that he didn’t really care.

_“Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you’re only a day away...”_

* * *

Tony sighed as he closed the door to Peter’s room.

“He stay asleep?” Steve asked, leaning against the wall.

“Y... Yeah. Kid was out like a light.”

The soldier hummed, never taking his eyes off of Tony.

“... You okay?”

The genius sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“... No.”

Steve smiled softly, moving to stand in front of Tony.

“What do you need?”

“... You.”

The blonde smiled, pulling Tony close and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Okay.”

“... I don’t wanna have sex. Not tonight.” Tony admitted quietly.

“I didn’t think that you would.”

He glanced up at Steve.

“And... you’re okay with that?”

The soldier chuckled, ruffling Tony’s hair.

“Yes, Tony. I’m okay with just being there for you, don’t you know that?”

“... Well, I do now.”

Steve laughed, kissing Tony’s forehead again.

“Not everything between us has to be about sex, Tony. You’re still my friend, no matter what happens.”

Despite himself, Tony smiled, looking up at Steve.

“What?”

“... N-Nothing, just...”

_I am completely and totally in love with you._

“Just...?” Steve prompted.

Tony sighed, leaning into the soldier.

“Just... thank you.”

He heard Steve chuckle again.

“Of course, Tony.”

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About Steve's Irish Background: In the comics, Joseph and Sarah Rogers were Irish immigrants. Here, Joe was born in Brooklyn, so that's different, but I imagine Sarah as this tiny Irish spitfire who takes no shit (especially not from you, Bucky Barnes). I headcanon that Steve had the WORST accent when he was a kid, and it faded out over time. Irish is more tired than anything, and if he's mad, then Brooklyn comes out.  
> On Annie: The first run of the Broadway musical premiered on April 21st, 1977, five days before Tony's seventh birthday. It was an early birthday present.  
> On Maria Stark: While I do think that Howard was a bad parent (just because he loved Tony doesn't mean he was a good dad), I like to think Maria was a pretty good mom, like, B+.  
> Also I kinda imagined Idina Menzel playing her when I was writing out the part that involved her.   
> Slang Notes:  
> The Irish use cute to mean 'clever'.   
> Translation Notes:  
> is féidir leo go léir póg mo thóin: they can all kiss my arse


	22. Guardians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve says something out loud for the first time. Tony freaks out. Natasha may or may not be Batman. Bucky is so very done. Quill shares the sentiment, at least until he gets to meet his hero. It is very difficult to impress a cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. It's been a while, and I'm sorry about that. Finals happened, and then I just sort of checked out for all of Winter Break. But I'm back, and I'm moving on to something I'm excited about, so updates should be more regular from now on!  
> Also, I learned something interesting: Once upon a time, waaaaaay back when Marvel owned the rights to Transformers, the franchise was a part of the Marvel Universe; it had its own planet and everything! That's not the point though, and before I tell you what the point it, let it be known I had no idea about this before I wrote it in. See, at some point while Marvel was doing the comics, there was a crossover in which a certain hero duked it out with Megatron. Who was this hero, you ask?  
> Why, none other than the Spectacular Spider-Man.  
> Totally had no idea about that. I only gave Peter an interest in Transformers because, at the time, I was watching Transformers Prime.

Steve had become used to waking up in Tony’s bed.

Admittedly, he _had_ freaked out a little the first couple of times it happened; for just a moment, he was afraid that he’d gone under again.

But after a week, he’d gotten used to the silkiness of Tony’s sheets, the softness of the mattress.

How it felt to wake up with his arms wrapped around the genius, Tony’s head nestled up against his chest.

Steve smiled sleepily, then craned his neck to see the clock.

_5:12... mm... I think I can sleep._

The soldier glanced down at Tony, smiling once more.

Sometimes, he wondered just how he got so lucky to be able to wake up next to the most beautiful man he’d ever met.

“You’re perfect, and I love you with all my heart.” He whispered, pressing a kiss to Tony’s forehead, smiling just a bit.

Just before he drifted off to sleep, he heard the sheets rustling.

* * *

Tony’s heart was racing.

_Steve just said that he loves me._

The inventor pried himself out of Steve’s arms, trying not to wake the sleeping soldier up (which actually wasn’t very hard. Guy slept like the dead).

_Steve_ loves _me._

Steve _loves_ me.

Tony all but ran into his bathroom, closing the door as quietly as possible before sliding to the floor.

_Oh my god, Steve loves me._

No, no, no. It... it couldn’t be true, it just... it couldn’t.

Steve couldn’t be in love with _him._

Right?

Tony ran his hand through his hair.

_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Steve’s in_ love _with me. How could this have happened?_

He paused for a moment, a thought coming to him.

_Wait, why I am unhappy about this?_ I’m _in love with Steve, I should be fucking_ ecstatic!

Slowly, the billionaire rose, opening the door just a crack. Steve was still fast asleep, just a lump in Tony’s bed.

Tony swallowed hard, trying to force himself to walk out of the bathroom.

He took one step, then basically ran back inside and shut the door behind him.

“Oh my god.” He whispered, sliding to the floor.

Oh, god.

Steve was in love with him.

Steve might actually want to be in a real relationship with him, one that involved more than just sex.

Steve might eventually figure out just how much of an _asshole_ Tony really was and start to resent him, and break up with him, and maybe even _leave the Avengers_ and then everything would go to shit and-!

_What have I done?_

He’d lose Steve. He’d lose Steve’s big, warm arms, and his goofy little smile, and those beautiful blue eyes, and all those stupid Dad jokes, and oh, god, what about Peter? Peter _loved_ Steve, he’d be _heartbroken_ if Steve left-!

_And... and I would be too._

Tony took a deep breath, and after a moment, let himself cry.

* * *

“And what’s this planet?” Jen asked, pointing to a small dot on the map Groot had created.

“I am Groot.”

_“That is Cyber. It is a planet inhabited by huge, sentient, mechanical creatures.”_

“... Really?”

“I am Groot.”

_“Yes. I have been there quite a few times.”_

“And... what do these creatures look like?”

The tree alien stretched his arm out, picking up one of the discarded Transformers on the floor.

“I am Groot.”

_“Like this. Are you sure your people have never heard of this planet before?”_

“... Okay, here’s the plan: No one tells Peter about Cyber. He will want to go there and never leave.”

“Agreed.”

“Yep.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I am Groot.”

_“I do not understand- why would it be bad for small Peter to find out about Cyber if it is something that he would enjoy?”_

“Well, you see, Groot, on Earth we have these things called Transformers, and Peter loves them. If he were to find out that they’re _real,_ he would scream at the top of his little lungs and try to build a rocket to get there.”

“I am Groot.”

_“How would he go about doing that? Isn’t he four?”_

Jen sighed, taking the Transformer from Groot and setting it on the ground. Without missing a beat, the lawyer clapped her hands, and the toy lit up, whirring as it changed forms.

“That four-year-old did _that_ to a _toy._ He will figure out how to build a rocket or die trying.”

“I am Groot.”

_“I do not know if the people of Cyber are able to do that.”_

Jen rolled her eyes as the elevator dinged, Steve walking onto the communal floor with a yawn.

“Morning, Cap.” Natasha greeted.

“Morning. Anyone seen Tony?”

“I would have thought that you had already seen him.” Bruce commented idly.

Steve coughed, turning a bit red.

“Wh-Why would I have seen him? I-I just woke up, after all, and i-it’s not like we live on the same floor or anything.”

Bruce rolled his eyes, and Matt gave Steve a look.

“Rogers, even _I’m_ not that blind.”

Before Steve could start to protest, the elevator doors opened again, revealing Tony, who was fully dressed.

“Hey, Stark. How’d dropping off the kid go?”

“Hm? Oh, fine.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“See, you could’ve just told me that.”

Tony looked up, his eyes going wide and his face turning red when he saw the soldier.

“O-Oh, um, Steve.”

The soldier smiled at his lover.

“Good morning, Tony.”

The genius stared at him for a moment, face still red, before turning on his heel and walking over to the stairs.

“... Okay, then. That was weird.” Clint commented before taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Tony?” Steve called, sounding worried as he chased after the billionaire.

* * *

_ Just keep walking, keep moving. Don’t look back, don’t stop, just get to your room and you’ll be-! _

“Tony?”

_Shit._

“Hey, Tony, wait up!” Steve called.

Tony kept walking.

“Tony!”

Just before he got to his room, a hand grabbed Tony’s shoulder.

_Shitshitshit._

“Hey, what’s wrong?

The genius swallowed hard, shrugging off Steve’s hand.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” He lied, wincing at how it was far too easy for him to do so.

“Tony, come on, look at me. What’s the matter?”

Tony opened the door to his room.

“I’m _fine._ Just... leave me alone for a little while.”

“Tony-!”

The door slid shut, cutting off whatever Steve had to say.

Tony took a deep breath, leaning against the door and running his hand through his hair, trying to get his heart rate under control.

Then there was Natasha.

_“Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!”_ He yelled, his eyes going wide when he saw the spy.

Natasha simply glared at him from atop his bed.

“Fucking _hell,_ Tasha, I have a heart condition, you could’ve killed me!”

More glaring.

“... How did you even get in here?”

Natasha arched an eyebrow.

“Right, stupid question.” Tony said with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Look, what do you _want?”_

“The reason that you’re being such a _dick_ to my best friend.”

The genius grimaced, looking at the floor.

“I... Because I’m scared, alright?”

“Oh? And what do you have to be afraid of?”

Tony hesitated.

“... Steve loves me.” He finally managed to say.

Natasha was silent for a moment.

“... So he told you, then.”

Tony snorted.

“I shouldn’t be surprised that he told you first. And... he didn’t exactly _know_ he was telling me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m fairly sure he thought I was asleep when he said.” He ran a hand through his hair. “‘You’re perfect, and I love you with all of my heart.’ God, it sounds like a cheesy line out of a rom-com out of context, but...”

“... If you don’t let him down easy, I’ll tear out your femurs and beat you with them.”

Tony’s head jerked up, feeling both surprised and terrified.

“Wh... What?”

“I will do violent things to you if you aren’t gentle with Steve when you tell him you don’t love him back, Stark, it’s not that difficult of a concept.”

“Th... That’s...”

He sighed, looking back at the floor.

“The problem isn’t that Steve’s feelings are _unrequited,_ Tasha. Hell, I don’t think it could _be_ anymore requited.”

“Then tell _him_ that.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Tony groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Because I just _can’t,_ okay? I... just go, Nat. I can’t do this, please just leave.”

There was no response to that.

Tony uncovered his face, finding himself all alone.

“... The Batman thing is _not_ appreciated, Tasha!”

* * *

Peter took a deep breath as he stepped onto the pier, taking in the view.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to go to New York. My mom used to promise she’d take me some-!”

“Looks crappy. Let’s find Groot and bounce.” Rocket snapped as he passed by Peter.

“... Thanks, Rocket.” Peter muttered, pulling the tracker the alien had built out of his pocket. “Okay, according to this thing, Groot is South of... here...”

He blinked, realizing, he was alone.

“... Dammit, guys, New York is weird, but aliens are another thing altogether!” Peter called as he chased after his team.

* * *

Steve sighed, staring out the window of the coffee shop.

_What am I doing wrong?_

Had he said something that upset Tony? Had he done something wrong?

He sighed again. He honestly couldn’t think of anything he might have said or done that would have upset his lover.

_So why is he mad at me?_

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Steve turned, smiling just a little bit.

“Hey, Bucky. What brings you to New York?”

The agent smiled as he slid into the booth across from his best friend.

“Something about a space program or whatever. What’s with the brooding? Pretty sure that’s my thing, y’know?”

Steve sighed.

“... Tony and I started sleeping together.”

Bucky was quiet for a moment.

“So, do I need to do the whole ‘brother threatens boyfriend’ thing, or is that kinda moot at this point?”

Steve groaned.

“We’re not _dating,_ Buck, we’re just having sex. It’s nothing _serious.”_

“What.”

“It’s just sex. We’re just having fun together, it’s not serious.”

_“An ifreann nach bhfuil sé!”_ Bucky yelled, slamming his hands on the table.

The soldier jumped.

“Jesus, Bucky, calm down! Also, your accent is terrible.”

“Oh, fuck you! And it is _too_ serious, you goddamn _putz!_ You’re in _love_ with that asshole, for whatever reason, and you’re tellin’ me you’re okay with just being his fuck buddy?!”

“Bucky, _please!_ Don’t make a scene! People are staring!”

The former assassin rolled his eyes, getting out of his booth and dragging Steve out of his.

“Wh- Hey! I still haven’t paid for my coffee!”

Bucky groaned, digging a twenty out of his pocket and slamming it on the table.

“Keep the change.” He told the waitress.

“Can I at least get my coat?”

Bucky glared at him, grabbing the coat before dragging him out of the restaurant.

“Alright, numbskull, we’re out of the store, now _explain_ _yourself._ The fuck are you doin’, just fooling around like this? You’re in _love_ with Stark, aren’t you?”

Steve hesitated for a moment, turning red.

“... Yes.” He admitted, his gaze trained on the sidewalk.

“Then why the fuck are you being such a _baby?!”_

“Because-! Because I just _can’t_ say it, alright?! Believe me, I want to tell him- _god_ do I want to tell him- but I just _can’t!”_

Bucky glared at him for a moment, then threw his hands up in defeat.

“I give up. You two are completely hopeless.”

“You think I like feeling like a coward?”

“Well, of course I don’t! Who was it that pulled your stupid butt outta the fire whenever you got yourself into a fight, huh?”

Steve grimaced.

“It’s been seventy years, Buck, let it go.”

“Hell no. I promised Ma I’d keep you outta trouble, and you were constantly getting into it. I am never letting that go.”

The soldier rolled his eyes.

“Seriously, though, Rogers, just _tell him._ What’s the worst that could happen?”

“... He rejects me, the dynamic falls apart, the Avengers split up, Doom takes over the world-!”

“Okay, okay!” Bucky finally shouted, grabbing Steve’s shoulders. “Okay, _realistically_ what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“I think that’s pretty realistic, given what’s happen in the past! And- and what about Peter? What if he reacts badly to me and his dad?”

The agent gave him a look.

“Please, the kid loves you about as much as he loves Stark, he’d be so damn happy he might just pass out. He’ll be calling you ‘Pops’ before you know it.”

“Wh- I don’t wanna _marry_ Tony!”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“And I am the czar of all Russians. Bullshit.”

“... Who showed you Star Trek?”

“Simmons. Duh.”

“Of course she did.” Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Look, I _do_ love Tony, but _marriage?”_

“Well, you _are_ the marrying kind.”

“Wh- I am _not!”_

“Yes you are, Steve. Remember my sister’s wedding?”

“That wasn’t-!”

“Rogers, you pretty much _planned_ that damn wedding.”

“S-So I planned it, that doesn’t make me the marrying kind!”

“Steve, you were more excited about it than the bride. The _bride_ , Steve. And Rebecca never stopped talking about it. Seriously, I think I heard her reciting her vows in her sleep.”

Before Steve could respond to that, there was a scream from down the street, followed by a crash. The soldier turned to his old friend, giving him a look.

“No.”

_“Bucky.”_

The agent rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, _fine,_ but this conversation is _not_ over, do you hear me?”

* * *

“It’s dawning on me that this was a very bad idea.” Peter muttered darkly as he turned the corner, biting back a groan when he saw what Rocket was doing.

“Alright, I’m only gonna ask you this _one more time_. Have you seen. A guy. Who looks like _a tree._ And only says ‘I am Groot’? Last chance!”

The outlaw rolled his eyes, running over and grabbing the experiment by the scruff of his neck and lifting him up, pulling his gun away from him.

“Hey!”

“Rocket, that’s a _pigeon._ It doesn’t talk. It’s a flying _poop machine.”_

“What? Why would you have that?”

“I don’t know, I’m not the person in charge of... of _birds,_ just-! Stop questioning the pigeons!”

Before Rocket could respond to that, there was a clap of thunder in the distance. Peter frowned, looking up at the sky.

“That’s weird. There aren’t any clouds out-!”

Peter didn’t get to finish that sentence, because at that very moment Drax flew over their heads, crashing into a nearby building.

“Drax!” The outlaw yelled as he ran over to his teammate.

The alien groaned as he emerged, glaring angrily.

“You will regret that!”

A deep voice chuckled as the dust cleared.

“I think not, strange green man.”

Peter blinked, rubbing at his eyes to make sure he wasn’t just seeing things.

“Guys, please tell me you also see the ridiculously muscular man in the red cape.”

The caped man smirked at them, crossing his arms.

“I would suggest that you instead come quietly, and perhaps we can simply talk this over.”

The outlaw sighed, taking a step forward.

“Yeah, I think that would be-!”

Suddenly, Drax charged forward, roaring as he tackled the newcomer to the ground.

“... Oh, god _dammit_ , Drax!”

His teammate grunted as the muscular man socked him right in the jaw, delivering a swift kick to the chest in return.

“Guys, come on!” Peter yelled as he ran over, trying to pull them apart. “Beating each other up is not going to- oof!”

The outlaw doubled over in pain when the caped man elbowed him in the stomach, letting out a groan.

“O... Okay, that was... a mistake.”

Drax’s opponent punched him in the nose, seeming oblivious to the pain that he’d just caused Peter.

“You are a worthy opponent, but that does not mean you have any chance in besting m-!”

Suddenly, the man cried out in pain, grimacing as he held his arm out. Rocket glared up at him as he clamped his jaw even tighter, digging his teeth further into the blonde’s flesh.

“What the-?! Get off of me, strange raccoon!”

“Mm nof a fuffin’ raccoon!” Rocket insisted around the mouthful of arm he was still biting stubbornly.

The blonde groaned, shaking his arm in an attempt to get the alien off of him.

“Let go!”

“Nafur!”

The man sighed.

“Fine. I had hoped to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if you insist upon being so obstinate...”

The man grabbed Rocket by the scruff of his neck, pulling hard. Still the alien did not release his jaw.

“You have very strong teeth.”

“Fank foo. Also, fuff foo.”

Peter bit back one last pained groan as he slowly stood up.

“Rocket, cut it out. Let him go.”

“No!”

“Rocket.”

_“No!”_

_“Rocket.”_

“No fuffin’ way!”

“Rocket, I know where you’re ticklish.”

The alien’s eyes widened.

“Wh- how dif foo-!” Rocket’s eyes narrowed. “Fat sfick-loffin’ sunavabiff!”

The outlaw sighed.

“Rocket, let go-!”

“Thor, there you are-! Thor, why is there a raccoon on your arm?”

““Mm nof a fuffin’ raccoon!”

Peter sighed again, turning towards the newcomer.

“It’s kinda a long story-!”

The outlaw froze, his eyes going wide when he saw who it was.

“... Are you okay?”

For a moment, Peter could only make small noises of shock and awe.

“Uh... do you speak English, sir?”

“... You’re Captain America.”

“... Yes?”

“You’re _the_ Captain America.”

“You’ve said that, yeah.”

“Dude, shut up, that is _awesome!”_

“... Pardon?”

Peter grinned, turning to the others excitedly.

“Guys, it’s _Captain America.”_

Both Drax and Rocket gave him blank looks.

“You know! The Star-Spangled Man With a Plan!”

Nothing.

“Hero of World War II? Bane of Hydra?”

Still nothing.

Peter’s shoulders sagged as he grimaced.

“Dammit, I need friends who aren’t aliens.”

“... Okay, then. Do you, um, mind telling me exactly what’s going on here?”

“Well, as I was saying, it’s kinda a long-!”

“Quill.”

“GAH!” Peter screeched, whirling around to face Gamora.

“Dammit, Gam, stop doing that!”

“As I have told you before, you must learn to be more aware of your surroundings.” She gestured to the woman next to her “I have explained our situation to this woman, Natasha. They know where Groot is.”

“Oh, seriously? Where is he?”

“He is in the building known as ‘Avengers’ Tower.’ They are willing to take us to him, but only if we come peacefully.”

Peter nodded.

“Sounds reasonable enough to me. Alright, troops, let’s-! Rocket, get off of that guy’s head.”

“No.”

The outlaw crossed his arms.

“Rocket.”

“No.”

Peter pursed his lips, then sighed, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Fine, then. You’ve left me with no other options.”

The outlaw took a step forward, never breaking eye contact with his teammate.

“Sorry about this, dude.”

“Why are you-?”

Peter lunged, slamming straight into the muscular man, who didn’t flinch even a tiny bit. Rocket, however, was startled into jumping off of him.

“Are you alright?” Thor asked, helping the outlaw steady himself.

“‘m... ‘m fine, ugh... you... you are _robust.”_

Before the other man could respond to that, Peter patted him on the shoulder.

“Thanks, man. Now, if you’ll excuse me...”

He turned towards the alien, who had already started to flee.

“Hey! Get back here, you furry little demon!”

“You’ll never take me alive!”

Behind him, Gamora groaned.

“Boys.”

“You too, huh?” Natasha asked sympathetically.

* * *

“And... that should be it!” Steve said as he finished signing the card.

Quill appeared to be barely suppressing a goofy grin as he took the card back.

“Thanks, Cap. Really, thanks, I... god, this is kinda _surreal,_ y’know? I’ve pretty much looked up to you all my life, and... this sounds really weird, doesn’t it?”

Steve chuckled.

“Relax. Trust me, people tell me things like that all the time.”

“Really? What’s that like?”

“Pretty weird, I guess. I spent most of my life a skinny little nobody from Brooklyn, and when I was with the USO I usually tried to avoid the part where I’d be asked for autographs. And then when I was fighting Hydra, well, you can imagine how many people’d be asking for me to sign trading cards.”

“Mostly because you were busy foiling their plans.”

“Yes, thank you, Natasha. Anyway, with the Avengers, avoiding that kind of attention is pretty much impossible. Bad PR. So... I guess I’m saying that I’m just not used to all of the attention, y’know?”

“... Wow. That kinda makes being abducted by space pirates seem kinda silly, doesn’t it?”

“No, that’s... that’s pretty weird in of itself, really.”

Quill laughed as the doors to the elevator opened.

“I am Groot!”

“GROOT!” Rocket yelled as he practically leapt out of Quill’s arms, tackling the tree-like alien. “You _idiot,_ this is where you’ve been?! Do you know how worried we were?!”

“I am Groot.”

“You’re damn right you’re sorry! Don’t you _ever_ do that to me again, do you hear me?!”

The tree alien smiled, hugging the smaller alien.

“I am Groot.”

“... shut up.”

Steve turned to face the outlaw, a perplexed look on his face.

“Is... is this normal?”

“Oh, extremely. In fact, this is probably one of our more normal days.”

“Last week Rocket nearly blew up a moon. I find I prefer his squabbling with Groot.” Gamora added.

Steve laughed, then stopped when he caught sight of the back of Tony’s head out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh, um, excuse me for a minute.” He said as he walked over to the billionaire.

“... haven’t found anything like that-!”

“Um, Tony?”

The brunet jumped a bit, his eyes wide as he whirled around to face the soldier.

“Oh, um, Steve, hey!”

Steve smiled cautiously.

“Um, listen can we-? Oh, Coulson, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were here!”

“It’s alright, Captain Rogers. Actually, that reminds me, I need to speak to our... visitors.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Coulson didn’t answer him as he walked over to Quill.

“Excuse me, Peter Quill, is it?”

“Yeah, that’s me. Can I help you?”

“Yes, if you’ll come with me.”

“Wh- Oh, shit, are we under arrest? Look, I’m sorry about the damages, and we can totally pay for them-!”

“We can?”

“Shut up, Drax, you’re not helping! Do you wanna get arrested again?”

“You’re not under arrest.”

“Nova Prime still wants our heads on a-! Wait, we’re not?”

“No. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure you fall under my jurisdiction. Let’s start over. My name is Director Coulson. I’m in charge of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

“Jeez, someone really wanted your initials to spell SHIELD, huh?”

Coulson’s lips quirked up in a smile.

“Yes, yes she did. In any case, a week ago we relaunched our affiliate, the Sentient World Observation and Response Department.”

“... SWORD?”

“I don’t make these names up, Mr. Quill. However, last night the base was attacked. No one was injured, thankfully, but we have determined that the attackers were not of this world. In addition, they seem to have left the head of the department with some... side effects.”

Quill quirked an eyebrow.

“What exactly are you asking me, Director?”

“Tell me, Mr. Quill, have you ever heard of the Kree?”

* * *

** The Playground **

She was floating.

Which was really, really weird, because the day before she hadn’t had that ability.

At least, she was pretty sure.

It kind of tingled.

“Mrow?”

She looked down, smiling.

“Hey, Chewie, look what Mama can do!”

Her cat looked up at her, seeming unimpressed.

Or possibly hungry. Hard to tell with a cat.

“Hmph. Guess flying ain’t your thing, huh?” She mused as she landed on the floor of her bedroom. “Okay, let’s see...”

She grinned, turning to the bed.

“Watch this, Chewie!”

With a small grunt, she lifted the bed, the metal groaning as it broke free of the bolts anchoring it to the floor.

“See? I’m not even breaking a sweat!”

Chewie stared at her for a moment, then started licking her paw.

“... Shoulda gotten a dog. A dog would be impressed.” She muttered as she dropped the bed. Unfortunately, she hadn’t realized how heavy it was, and it made an ear-splitting _boom_ as it hit the ground again.

Chewie leapt back, then hissed, scampering off to go sulk elsewhere in her quarters.

“Sorry, baby!” She called as the door to her apartment opened.

“Major, are you alright?!” Jemma cried as she ran inside, looking worried. Bobbi followed behind a moment later. “We heard a crash! You’re not hurt, are you?”

“Aw, Jemma, I didn’t know you cared!” She teased.

The scientist turned red, and Bobbi glared at her.

“I-I-I mean, um, well, I was-! A-As a scientist, I-!”

“Jem, honey, relax, I’m just teasing. You too, Bobbi, I’m not moving in on your girl.”

Bobbi’s glare relaxed, but only slightly.

“What happened?”

“Eh, I was showing off for Chewie and I broke my bed. And the floor. Also, avoid my cat for a while, she’s pissed.”

Before either of the agents could react, there was a hiss, followed by a scream from outside.

“Oh, sorry, Koenig!”

“I’m okay...”

Jemma sighed.

“Major, please. You really shouldn’t be abusing your... newfound abilities, not when we know so little about them! For all we know, you could be slowly killing yourself!”

“Really? ‘Cause I feel great! I mean, I can lift like _three cars_ over my head without breaking a sweat!”

“She does have a point, Jemma.”

“Don’t encourage her!”

“I’m just saying-!”

“I _know_ what you’re saying, but until we know more-!”

“Girls, girls, please! This is not the place to be having a squabble between lovers! Mostly because all it does is reminds me how woefully single I am.”

Both of the other women paused, then looked at each other for a moment before turning to her with matching sheepish expressions.

“Sorry, Major.”

She smiled.

“It’s fine. And how many times do I have to tell you? Call me Carol.”

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit, time for Captain Marvel!  
> (I totally got the first volume of the Marvel NOW! Captain Marvel comic for Christmas, along with Ms. Marvel (Kamala) and the first volume of Hawkeye (plus the reprint of the first Spider-Girl (Mayday Parker)).  
> Notes:   
> 1\. Sarah tried to teach Bucky Irish. Keyword is tried.  
> 2\. Bucky called Sarah "Ma," and in return she called him "Jimmy." Nobody else can call him that. Ever.  
> 3\. Cyber is the version of Cybertron used by Marvel for their version of Transformers. Look it up. It's canon.  
> 4\. Peter Q.'s Cap cards are from his mama. She gave them to him for Christmas the year before she got sick.  
> Translation notes:  
> An ifreann nach bhfuil sé!: The hell it isn't!


	23. Marvelous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Steve.

_What do you get when you fall in love?_

_A guy with a pin to burst your bubble._

_That's what you get for all your trouble._

_I'll never fall in love again..._

* * *

“This... this is unprecedented.”

“Yeah, no shit, lady.” Carol deadpanned.

“I beg your pardon?” Rael asked, looked quite shocked.

“Well, I’m just saying that, if what happened to me was commonplace, we wouldn’t have had to call you.”

“Excuse me, I do not believe that I like your tone, Miss.”

“Excuse _you,_ I’m a _Major._ I earned that rank, and I think that you can just-!”

“Major Danvers, enough. I’m very sorry about that, Nova Prime. Major Danvers is simply a bit... overwhelmed from everything that’s happened.”

“Overwhelmed?! Hell no, I’m-!”

One look from Coulson shut her right up. She simply sulked as she returned to the ground, shooting a glare of her own at Quill when she caught him snickering.

“Now, then. What can you tell us about the Kree?”

“You haven’t encountered them before?”

“No.”

_Bullshit,_ Carol thought, remembering the files she’d come upon about T.A.H.I.T.I. _Just the first Kree that wasn’t dead._

“You should consider yourselves lucky that you’ve remained out of their sight for so long, then. The Kree Empire is not a force to be trifled with. It is only recently that a thousand-year war between their forces and the Nova Corps ended.”

“Yeah, and then that prick Ronan tried to ruin it all.”

“Yes, Space-Lord, thank you for the commentary.”

Quill grimaced.

“It’s... it’s Star-Lord.” He corrected.

“Yes, right. Moving on, though, what, exactly, occurred during this incident with the Kree.”

Coulson turned to Carol.

“Major?”

“Oh, _now_ you want me to talk...” She muttered.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing, nothing. Okay, so I was working at the base...”

* * *

**Cape Canaveral, Florida**

“Sooooo... what is it?”

Walter sighed, turning to give Carol a look.

“Major, you know that, even if I knew for sure, I couldn’t tell you.”

Carol pouted.

“C’mon, Wally!”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Fine, _Walter,_ whatever, just... can you at least tell me what you know so far?”

“Do you have a degree in engineering and training from SHIELD to investigate possible extraterrestrial weaponry?”

“... Okay, no, but I’m one of the best pilots around!”

“Well, if I’m asked to test a plane, then you’ll be notified.”

The major glared at him for a moment, then smirked as an idea came to her.

“Y’know, Walter...” Carol started slowly in a sultry voice as she walked over to the scientist. “I can think of a few things I’d be willing to do for, ah...”

She started to rub his shoulders, which made him drop the piece of metal in his hand.

“Some information?”

“... Carol.”

“Yes, Walter?”

“You do know that there’s not a soul in this base that doesn’t know that you are, in fact, a _lesbian,_ correct?”

“Aw, dammit, I was hoping you were new enough to not know!”

“News travels fast, Major. In any case, I’m afraid seduction will not work here.”

“Killjoy.” She muttered, folding her arms across her chest.

“Rest assured, Major, that if it turns out you need to know what this is, you’ll know.”

“Man, why does everything need to be such a huge _secret_ around here?”

“If you’re against secrets, Major, then I’m afraid that you’re in the wrong...”

Walter trailed off, making Carol turn towards him.

“Hey, what’s-? Whoa.”

The machine in front of Walter had started to glow, emitting a faint whirring sound.

“Uh... is it supposed to do that?”

“Only when it’s working. Move!”

“Wait, what-?!”

Carol barely had time to think before Walter tackled her, the device exploding seconds later.

“What the hell was that?!”

“Part of a sentry. I thought I’d disabled it, but apparently it can still be activated from afar.”

“Wh- Okay, let’s try that again, but _this_ time, let’s pretend that I have _no_ clue what you’re talking about, because oh, hey, _I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.”_

Walter sighed, turning to her and opening his mouth to speak. Before he could get a single word out, however, there was another explosion, this one outside the building.

“What the-?!”

Suddenly, something crashed through the ceiling, Walter diving to cover her again.

“Rise, Mar-Vell. Or are you too ashamed of your treachery to face your brethren?”

“Marvel?” Carol asked as she pushed Walter away. “Hey, look, pal, I don’t know who the hell you think you... are...”

She trailed off, her eyes going wide at the sight before her. A blue man stood in front of her, flanked on either side by a pair of strange robots.

“Walter? Tell me you see the blue dude.”

“Carol. I want you to run. Get out of here as fast as you can. This... this isn’t the place for humans.”

“What? Hey, now, asshole, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re human... too...”

Carol watched as Walter rose up, his skin turning blue as his coat melted away to reveal a skin-tight white suit. His hair turned to silver before being covered by a helmet that seemed to form out of thin air.

“... What. The. Ass.”

“Ah, Mar-Vell, so you’ve decided to show your true face. Now, what say you of this planet?”

“I need more time. I have seen good, and I have seen bad, but there is no real way for me to know if-!”

The other alien lifted his arm, a canon forming.

“Wrong answer.”

_Bang._

* * *

“... And that’s when it gets fuzzy.”

“I see. What happened to the Kree?”

“I don’t know. The next time I woke up, I was here in this base all alone. I don’t know where Mar-Vell is, or that other one.”

“Hm. Well, from what you’ve told me, I can only assume that the Kree have set their sights on your home planet as their next acquisition for their empire.”

“What?!” Carol shouted, flying up to the screen. “What do you mean, take us for their empire?!”

“Exactly that. The Kree Empire takes whatever it sets its sights on. And it seems that it’s looking straight at the Earth.”

Rael straightened, folding her hands.

“I don’t know how much time you have left. It could be days. It could be decades. But in any case, I suggest that you begin a search for a new homeworld. You’ll need it.”

“Wait a minute, just... wait a minute. You’re telling us to just- just _give up?!_ Are you _stupid,_ lady?!”

“I don’t consider myself particularly stupid, no. However, I’ve seen it happen enough times to know that you’ve got no chance of keeping the Kree from taking what they want. You can either leave, or you can die.”

“Uh-huh. And I’m supposed to listen to someone who’s just finished a war that lasted a thousand years against these assholes? You’re in the perfect place to help, you know.”

“First, you’re not very good at asking for help, are you? Secondly, even if I wanted to help you, my hands are tied. Assisting you would be seen as an act of aggression on my part, which would violate the treaty. We’d go right back to where we were, and I cannot allow more of my people’s blood to spill. So I’m afraid your only option is to leave, if you wish to live.”

“But-!”

“This conversation is over. I wish you luck in your future. You’ll need it.”

With that, Rael disappeared, her image fading from the screen.

“... Bitch.” Carol muttered angrily as she landed.

“Yeah, pretty much.” Quill agreed before stopping. “... Okay, no one tell her I said that.”

Coulson sighed.

“Well, this is just lovely, isn’t it? There’s a very good chance that an invasion is already underway, and the only advice we’ve got is to get the hell off of the Earth.”

“Permission to speak freely, Director Coulson?”

“Granted, Major Danvers.”

“You want my opinion on that idea? Fuck that. I say we get ready to take these assholes on, show ‘em that the Earth isn’t theirs to take.”

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah, what he said!” Carol paused for a minute. “Uh, what did he say?”

“That your idea’s pretty much suicide.”

“Well then screw you, tree!”

“Okay, okay, calm down, now.” Coulson called out, a warning tone in his voice. “Carol, the tree’s right. And that is the _strangest_ thing I’ve ever said.”

_“What?!”_

“Major, we’re talking about an _empire_ of extraterrestrials who are obviously lightyears ahead of us in terms of technology. We’re nowhere near prepared to take on an army like that, and won’t be for _centuries_. There’s no possible way we’d live through such a confrontation.”

“Uh, Coulson, have you forgotten that one of the people who protect this planet is the _Norse God of Thunder?”_

“I’m sorry, Carol, but there’s absolutely no way that I can simply rely on the idea that we’ll be protected by the Avengers in the event of an invasion. I’m going to start planning for-!”

“Great. Good for you.” Carol muttered, her eyes stormy as she fixed her glare on the director. “Go ahead and be a giant _coward,_ that’s a _great_ example to set for the new SHIELD.”

Before Coulson could say a word, Carol was in the air again.

“And while you’re doing that, I’m gonna do something that might actually _help_ us. ‘Cause if we can’t keep the Kree from getting here, I’m gonna make damn sure they aren’t leaving without knowing just how strong humanity is. Consider this my resignation, _Phil.”_

With that, she flew straight up, crashing through the skylight.

“... Dammit. Now there’s another one-!”

Just then, Carol flew back in.

“Yeah, I just remembered that I left all my stuff and my cat here, so I’m gonna grab that first and _then_ fly out in a huff.”

“... You know it’s not as effective like that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

* * *

“Steeb?”

The soldier smiled, putting down his sketchbook and looking over at Peter.

“Yeah, hon?”

The boy held up a jar of peanut butter.

“Can you open this please?”

“Why do you need peanut butter?”

“Me an’ MJ an’ Harry are hungry, so we’re gonna make sammiches!”

“By yourselves?”

“Clint’s gonna s’perfise.”

“Uh-huh. And who’s gonna supervise Clint?”

“Tasha.”

“Good. Alright, give it here.”

Peter smiled, handing him the jar. Steve started to open it, then paused, glancing at Peter for a second before grinning.

“Hrrgh!” He faked-grunted, pretending to have difficulty opening the jar.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, this lid’s just on reaaaalllly tight. Hang on.”

Once again, Steve pretended to struggle with the lid. This time, he opened one eye, grinning at the boy. Peter blinked, then started to giggle, catching on.

“Urggh!”

Peter laughed more, covering his mouth with his hands.

With a smile, Steve straightened, easily taking off the lid to the peanut butter.

“Here you go.”

Peter dissolved into giggles, making Steve laugh as well.

“You’re silly, Steeb!”

“No, you’re silly!” The soldier teased, ruffling the little boy’s hair.

The kid stuck his tongue out at him, but his lips were still curled up in a smile as he took the jar.

Steve chuckled as Peter walked back to the kitchen, turning around to watch.

“Here, Clint!”

“Thanks, squirt.”

“I’m not a squirt!” Peter protested, though there was a smile on his face.

“Yes you are.” Matt commented from his chair as he flipped through the channels.

“Well you’re not real tall either, Matt!”

“Taller than you are.”

“He’s got you there, Pete.” Mary Jane told him.

“MJ! You’re s’posed to be on my side!”

“Auntie Anna says it’s not nice to lie, though.”

“Why are we talkin’ about this?” Harry finally asked, looking confused.

Before anyone could answer that, Lucky trotted into the kitchen, sitting down and looking at Peter expectantly.

“What?”

The one-eyed pup looked over at the peanut butter and let out a small whine before looking back at Peter.

“Aw, Lucky, no, you can’t have any peanut butter! If I give you any, you’ll be all like...”

Peter smacked his lips a few times, trying to demonstrate the action.

“Nah-uh, it’s like...”

MJ snapped her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

“No, no, no, it’s more like...”

Harry rolled his jaw.

Clint laughed.

“Ah, you three are adorable. Wrong, but adorable. It’s more like...”

Before Clint could demonstrate his version of what Lucky with peanut butter in his mouth sounded like, though, his phone started to ring, blaring the theme to Dog Cops.

“... Clint, I don’t think Lucky can sing.” Peter stated.

“Or speak English.” Harry added.

The archer frowned in confusion, taking his phone out of his pocket.

“Huh. Hey, Nat, can you take over for me for a minute?”

“You’re gonna leave no matter what I say, so yeah.”

“You know me so well, my love.”

Natasha rolled her eyes, but took the peanut butter from her boyfriend as he walked out of the kitchen.

“Hey, you! It’s been a while, how are ya?” Clint asked as he answered his phone.

He paused for a moment, his grin slowly fading into a frown.

“Wait, are you _serious?_ You did _what?”_

The frown became an incredulous, open-mouthed stare.

“What. The. Ass.”

“Clint said a naughty word!” MJ shouted.

“Ugh, hang on.” The archer covered his phone with his hand as he turned towards the kitchen. “Look, I’ll put a quarter in the jar in a second, okay?”

“It’s a dollar now, Clint.” Peter informed him.

“What? Since when?”

“Since that time Virgil beat everybody at Super Smash Brothers.”

“In real life, the robot wins.” The android said smugly.

Clint pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Cap, a little help?”

Steve shrugged.

“Sorry, Clint, it’s Pepper’s rule. I’m only in charge during battle.”

The archer groaned, rolling his eyes dramatically as he fished a dollar out of his pocket and stuffed it into the jar on the counter.

“There, are we good?”

“As long as you don’t say any naughty words, then yeah.”

Clint rolled his eyes again, then lifted his phone back to his ear.

“Okay, I’m back. Look, just... where are you?”

He paused again, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead.

“Are you fuc- _fudging_ serious?!”

* * *

“You _quit?!”_

Carol grinned sheepishly.

“Yeah... probably not my best moment.”

“Yeah, no kidding!” Natasha yelled. “What the _fuck_ were you thinking?! You quit your job?!”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time!”

“Carol, do you know how many times Clint has told me that after fucking something up horribly? _Way_ too many!”

The major looked over at the archer with a glare.

“Why did you tell her?”

“Because I’m not really the best person to chew anyone out. _Ever.”_

Natasha sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration.

“Okay, okay. We can fix this. I’ll call Coulson, and-!”

“Yeaaah, don’t think that’s the best idea ever.”

“What? Why not?”

“I’m... kinda not allowed to resume my post at the base. Or assume any other post. Kinda doomed to being on desk duty for the foreseeable future now.”

“... Carol. What did you do?”

“Me? Nothing, really. Mar-Vell, on the other hand...”

“Who the fuck is-? Carol, what the hell happened to you?”

The blonde woman ran a hand through her hair with an anxious sigh.

“Er... it’s kinda a long and extremely weird story...”

Natasha arched an eyebrow.

“Try me.”

Carol swallowed hard, then, after taking a deep breath, closed her eyes and held out her arms.

“.... What are you-?!”

Before Clint could finish speaking, the major began to glow, rising up into the air.

Carol looked down at them, grinning nervously.

“Again, it’s a long story, but chapter one: I have superpowers now.”

* * *

“I’m sorry, _what?”_

 Natasha sighed, running a hand through her hair.

“Her name is Carol. She and Clint worked together on a few missions around when Thor first arrived on Earth. She quit her job earlier and needs a place to stay. Considering that this place has no shortage of room, it shouldn’t be too difficult to accommodate her. What do you say?”

Tony quirked an eyebrow.

“Natasha, you know that I love and fear you- mostly fear- but I’m still pretty hesitant to let any of your spy buddies crash here. I mean, Clint causes enough crap on an everyday basis as it is, I don’t really need any more craziness in my life.”

The spy crossed her arms.

“Stark, the minute you invited us to live with you, you pretty much resigned yourself to a crazy life. Hell, the minute you put on the suit you resigned yourself to it. One more person isn’t gonna cause it all to come crashing down.”

Before Tony could say a single, word, there was a crash from upstairs, followed by angry hissing and barking. The door to his workshop burst open a second later, a cat leaping inside and scurrying down the steps.

“What in the hell-?!”

Tony was cut off when the cat latched onto his leg, causing him to fall flat on his back.

“Chewie, no!”

The genius cried out in pain as the animal dug its claws into his leg, glaring at the cat.

“Fuckin’- get off of me!”

The cat hissed at him, eyes narrowed as it lifted one of its paws again, claws extended.

“Bad cat! No! Don’t scratch Iron Man!” A woman yelled as she grabbed the cat and pulled him off of Tony.

Tony groaned as he sat up, glaring at the woman.

“What the fuck, la... dy...”

The genius blinked, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline.

The woman was tall, with slightly-tanned skin and bright blue eyes. There was a hint of muscle beneath her green jacket, something that was _definitely_ a turn-on for Tony.

_Well hello there._

“Bad Chewie! We do _not_ attack people!” She paused for a moment. “Well, I mean, unless they’re, like, _evil_ or something, but that’s Iron Man, so obviously _not_ evil. Bad girl!”

Chewie meowed, sounding half-annoyed, half-sheepish.

The woman rolled her eyes, muttering something about putting the cat in her cage before turning to Tony.

“I am _so_ sorry, she’s usually a pretty good cat! She got pissed off after the dog licked her, and I know that’s not an excuse-!”

Tony chuckled as he stood up, wincing a little at the pain in his leg.

“It’s okay, really. I get pissed off at Lucky sometimes too. Really, the only reason I keep him around is because Peter loves him.”

“Bullshit, you fell asleep with the dog in your arms two days ago.”

“Fuck off, Barton.”

The woman laughed, a warm, bell-like sound.

“I’m... I’m Carol, by the way. Carol Danvers.” She told him, extending the hand that wasn’t holding her cat back.

“Tony Stark.” He replied, shaking her hand.

“Well, yeah, I _know_ who you are. I don’t think there’s a person alive who doesn’t.”

“Yeah, but if I say ‘You know who I am,’ I find that people tend to think I’m a douchebag.”

Carol laughed again, and Tony smiled.

“So, Carol, Nat tells me that you need a place to stay.”

She smiled sheepishly, brushing a lock of blonde hair behind her ear.

“Well, yeah, I... kinda quit my job with the military in a fit of anger. Then I remembered that I lived on base and don’t actually own any kind of house. Not my best moment.”

“Trust me, I’ve had worse. In any case, I’ve got plenty of room, and I definitely wouldn’t mind letting you stay here.”

“Really?!” Carol exclaimed excitedly.

“Wait, but you just said-!”

Tony shut Clint up with a glare before turning back to the woman.

“Of course. The more the merrier, I always say.”

Carol grinned happily.

“I can’t thank you enough! I’ve seriously been freaking out since I got off base, and I was totally sure that I was gonna be homeless, so-!”

“Whoa!”

Tony took a step back, his eyes going wide.

“What?”

“Um... you’re _floating.”_

“What?”

Carol looked down, realizing that her feet were no longer touching the floor. Her cat meowed in distress.

“Oh, shit, sorry!” She yelled as she dropped to the floor, panic in her voice. “Sorry, sorry, probably should’ve mentioned that!”

“What, that you can _fly?”_

“Among... other things. Is... is that a deal breaker?”

Tony snorted.

“Carol, I live with two people who can turn into green emotion monsters, the Norse God of thunder, his fiancée, and her assistant, a... a supersoldier from the forties, a former pararescue jumper who now flies around as a superhero, two assassins, a blind teen lawyer who moonlights as a vigilante, my robot son, and my tiny supergenius son. Flying women are pretty much the norm for me.”

“How about women who can lift three cars without breaking a sweat?”

“Ooh, that sounds like a story. Why don’t you tell me all about it while I give you the grand tour?”

Carol smiled at him, shifting her cat around in her arms.

“I’d like that.”

Tony smiled back at her, gesturing towards the stairs.

“After you, milady.”

She snickered, then mock-curtsied.

“Why, thank you, milord.”

“By the way, Chewie?”

“Oh, yeah. My brother was a huge fan of the series, and he kinda rubbed off on me. Plus, c’mon, she _totally_ looks like Chewbacca. Maybe not right now, since she just got a haircut.”

Tony laughed, trying very hard to ignore the way Natasha’s glare bore into the back of his head.

Not to mention the churning in his stomach as he tried to convince himself that it would be best to show Steve just what kind of person he was.

* * *

“... And so she’s gonna stay here for a while. That’s okay with everyone, right?”

Everyone murmured their agreement.

Carol smiled nervously.

“Thanks, um, everybody. Really, I know this is short notice and all, and you’re all, like, _superheroes_ and shit, and you all know each other, and also my cat scratched your dog-!”

Steve smiled at her, standing up and walking over to her.

“Don’t worry about it, Carol. We’re a team, not a clique. You’re plenty welcome here.”

Carol didn’t speak for a minute, instead staring at Steve with wide eyes.

“... Are you okay?”

“I, uh, sorry, I just... look, I appreciate your hospitality, but you’re also _Captain America_ and this is kinda the greatest moment of my life.”

“Ah.”

“I’m sorry, this is probably totally weird for you-!”

Steve chuckled, patting her shoulder gently.

“Carol, you’re not the first person to tell me that _this week._ I’m pretty used to it.”

She grinned nervously.

“Sorry, you’re just... really cool.”

“Well, thank you, Carol. You seem pretty cool yourself.”

Carol seemed to be on the verge of screaming in joy as the elevator dinged, revealing Peter and Virgil.

“Ah, there you are!” Tony said cheerfully, walking over to his sons. “Carol, these are my boys.”

“Oh, hi! Tony told me about you two!” Carol said as she followed the genius.

Virgil crossed his arms, arching an eyebrow.

“What did he say?”

“That he had a robot son and a tiny supergenius son.”

The android turned to give his father a look.

“What, I’m not a supergenius?”

“You’re a robot with a brain map based on my fourteen-year-old self. The supergenius-ness is implied.”

Virgil pursed his lips and shrugged.

“Alright, you’re off the hook.” He said before turning to the major and extending his hand. “Virgil Stark.”

“Carol Danvers.” She replied as she shook his hand. “So you’re really a robot?”

Virgil’s eyes flashed as his chassis changed to resemble his original.

“Yes.”

“That is _awesome._ Always wanted to meet a robot. Although I kinda thought that the first robot I met would be more like C-3PO.”

“He is a good representation of androids everywhere.”

“You’re the only android on this planet, Vee.”

“Dad, don’t be exactly half of an eleven-pound black forest ham.”

“No more Netflix for you.”

“Joke’s on you, I can stream it in my _brain.”_

Carol laughed, then looked down, smiling warmly.

“And you must be Peter.” She started softly, kneeling to the little boy’s eye level. “I’m Carol. Your dad tells me that you’re really smart.”

Peter blushed, grabbing Tony’s pants leg and gripping it tightly.

“Y... Yeah... you’re really pretty.”

Carol blinked, then smiled.

“Aw, thanks, that’s very sweet!”

The child blushed even more, ducking behind Tony’s leg.

“Hey, Peter, aren’t I pretty too?” Natasha asked, though the amusement in her voice made it obvious that she was joking.

“U-Uh...”

“Yeah, Peter, how come you never tell me I’m pretty?” Jen added, laughter in her voice.

“Um... I... w-well-! HEY!”

Virgil chuckled as he grabbed his brother with his extending arm, hoisting the child over his shoulder.

“C’mon, little bro, this is how the Trojan War started. Let’s get outta here before someone tosses in a golden apple.”

“I’m the big brother! I’m older than you!”

“Pete, you’re a mini-scientist. You know that just ‘cause you say something doesn’t mean that it’s true.”

Thor chuckled as the brothers left the room.

“Ah, the Greeks are such a quarrelsome bunch. Hercules and I had such adventures in our youth.”

“Wait, what?” Jane asked, her eyes wide as they walked towards the stairs.

Carol chuckled as she stood up.

“Cute kids you got there, Tony.”

“Yeah, well, they’re mine, so I’m inclined to agree.”

Carol laughed, then turned towards the window. Everyone was slowly making their way out of the room; the only people left in it were her, Tony, and Steve, and the last of those people was about to leave.

“You know, I’ve never actually been to New York before.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, I grew up in Boston, and my work never really took me here. Always wanted to go, though.”

“Well, y’know, I could show you around town, if you’d like.”

Steve froze just as he was about to head up the stairs, his eyes going wide as he turned towards the pair.

“Whoa, really?”

“It would be my pleasure, Major Danvers.”

“Well then I would be happy to have you accompany around New York, Mr. Stark. Does next Tuesday sound good?”

“Tuesday sounds perfect.”

“Great, it’s a date! See you later!”

Steve’s stomach dropped, suddenly feeling winded.

“Oh, ‘scuse me, Cap.” Carol said as she passed by the soldier on the stairs.

Steve swallowed hard, forcing himself to stand up and walk over to his lover.

“Oh, hey, Steve-!”

“Tony, what the hell was that?”

“Well, that was me getting a date with a gorgeous woman.”

The soldier gave him a look.

“And you don’t see the problem with that?”

“Not particularly, no.”

Steve grimaced, his stomach starting to churn with anxiety.

“Tony, what about... well, _us?”_

“What _about_ us?”

“W-Well, I mean, aren’t...aren’t we... you know...?”

Tony stared at him for a moment.

“You... you don’t think that we’re _together,_ do you?”

“I... I, um...”

“Steve, babe, I hate to break it to you, but _this?”_ The genius started, gesturing between them. “This is _not_ a _relationship_. This is _sex._ Really _great_ sex, but nothing more than that. I’m not yours, and you’re not mine.”

The soldier’s heart sank, tears pricking at his eyes.

“I... I thought... th-this didn’t ever _mean_ anything to you? I didn’t...?”

“Aw, Steve, of course you _mean_ something to me! You’re my friend, don’t get me wrong, but just because we’re fucking doesn’t mean I’m, y’know, _in love_ with you.”

“But... you’re... Tony, what the _fuck_ is _wrong_ with you? This isn’t you. You’d never... you wouldn’t _do_ this to me, I know you wouldn’t!”

Tony just looked at him for a moment, his face impossible to read.

“I guess you just don’t know me as well as you thought you did.”

Steve stared at him, horrified. Tears finally started to spill over, and the soldier said nothing as he turned away, all but running out of the room and up the stairs.

The minute he was in his room, he slid to the floor, hugging his legs tight and letting himself be wracked by sobs.

* * *

_It’s for the best._

Tony swallowed hard, walking quickly towards his room.

_Steve deserves better than me._

“Jarvis, door.”

_“Yes, sir. Are you-?”_

“I’m fine.” He answered quickly as the door shut behind him. “Lock the door.”

_“Yes, sir. I assume you wish to be alone?”_

“Yes.”

_“Very well, sir. I am here if you need me.”_

_I’d end up alone either way._

Tony sat on his bed, staring at the way in silence.

_He doesn’t need me._

He gripped the comforter.

_It’s for his own good._

He swallowed hard.

_Letting him go on loving me would destroy everything._

He took a deep breath.

_I have to let him go._

Tears started to prick at his eyes.

_No matter how much it hurts._

With that thought, Tony finally broke down, heartbroken sobs escaping his throat.

****  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh... Happy Valentine's Day?  
> (There's a happy ending coming, I swear!)  
> (Also, the lyrics are from "I'll Never Fall in Love Again." There are a lot of versions; pick your favorite. I wanted to make that the chapter title, but I decided to keep going with the theme of naming chapters after new superheroes.)


	24. You're All I Need to Get By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pair of idiots finally talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed the new "panic attacks" tag. This is because a character (you can probably guess who) suffers two in this chapter. So... warning for that.  
> Also, we passed 30000 hits and 200 comments between updates! WOOOOOO!

The punching bag burst open as it hit the ground, seconds after the chain broke off.

Steve panted, wiping sweat from his brow as he straightened his back.

_Dammit._

He sighed, walking over to the bag and grabbing it on either side of the split. He dragged it over with the others, trying not to let any of the stuffing out. The soldier placed it on the pile, then went to grab a new one.

“That’s quite a collection you’ve got there, Cap.”

The soldier bit back a grimace, forcing himself to smile as he turned towards the doorway.

“Hey, Carol.”

She grinned at him, and suddenly Steve felt bad that the most he could do was fake any sort of politeness towards her. He knew that it wasn’t her fault that Tony had asked her out, and she certainly couldn’t have known about... whatever it was that he and Tony had, but it was still hard not to be angry at the major.

“So do you guys have some kind of stash of punching bags? Cause that seems kind of random.”

“Oh, well, these are just mine, actually, although I’ve caught Matt using one a couple times.”

“Right, right... which one’s Matt again?”

“Daredevil. Blind kid, Jen’s best friend-slash-ward.”

“Ah, right. So, these are all yours?”

“Yeah. I kinda tend to go through them pretty quickly.”

“I can see that.”

They were silent for a moment as Steve put up the new bag.

“So, um... was there a reason that you came down here?”

“Well, I was bored, so I thought that I might come down and work out for a little while. But you’re here, so...”

“Oh, well, um, do you want me to leave?”

“Nah, actually, I was thinking that maybe we could spar?”

Steve blinked, staring at her for a minute while imagining just how wrong that could go. He was sure that Carol could hold her own against him, but the fact was that Steve was still angry about the fact that she was going to go on a date with the man he was in love with.

The pile of broken sandbags was more than testament to that fact.

“I... I don’t think that’s a good idea, Carol.”

The major frowned, looking confused.

“Why not?”

“I...” Steve turned away. “I just don’t.”

“... Okay, I _know_ this isn’t about my gender, ‘cuz Nat would’ve kicked your ass by now if you were a sexist prick.”

Steve snorted.

“Yes she would have.”

Carol was silent for a moment.

“... Look, did I _do_ something or _say_ something to offend you? You’ve... you’ve kinda been avoiding me ever since I got here. I mean, it’s been three whole days and you’ve hardly said two words to me.”

The soldier hesitated for a moment, then sighed, rubbing the back of his head nervously but never looking back at the major.

“Look, I... it’s not you, not really. It’s Tony.”

“What about Tony?”

Steve could feel a flush creeping up his neck as he swallowed the lump in his throat.

“We’ve, um... we've been seeing each other for a week now. Or I guess we _were_ seeing each other."

"... Okay, so when you say that you were _seeing_ each other...?”

The soldier sighed.

“We were having sex, Carol.”

“Right, gotcha. Uh, _wow,_ okay.”

Steve arched an eyebrow, turning to face the major with a wary expression.

“Is that a problem?”

“No, definitely not.” She hesitated for a second. “... Actually, knowing that you’re not, y’know, _straight,_ well, it might have made my life a little easier.”

The soldier thought about asking her just what she meant by that, but decided against it for the time being.

“So, um... exactly what does that have to do with _me?_ I mean, it’s interesting and all, but I don’t really get why you’re telling me that.”

“Because I...” Steve sighed, knowing that he was probably blushing like an idiot at this point. “I have feelings for Tony, and you’re... well, you’re going on a date with him. I know it’s stupid, but-”

“Wait, wait, wait. Back it up there, Cap. Who’s going on a date with Stark?”

The soldier gave her a confused look.

“Uh... you are. He’s taking you to see the city, right?”

Carol stared at him for a minute, then burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

It took a moment for the major to answer his question, as she was laughing too hard.

“Hoo, just... heh, me going out with Stark. Good one, Rogers.”

“I... I honestly don’t see what the humor is there.”

“Uh, well, for one thing, Tony is a _man._ Ergo, I’m not gonna date him.”

Steve blinked.

“Wait, you’re... you’re a _lesbian?”_

Carol gave him a puzzled look.

“Why do you sound surprised? You didn’t know?”

“No, why... why would I?”

“Uh... because I may have shouted it at the top of my lungs the minute that ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was taken out of effect. So... kinda used to people knowing, I guess. Seriously, you didn’t know?”

“Nope. I... I honestly don’t think that anyone knows unless you’ve told them.”

“Huh. Well, then. I’d better go set the record straight. And also tell Stark off for being a douchebag and asking me out when it’s kinda obvious that you’re crazy about him.”

“Wh- Y-You said you didn’t know!”

“Okay, it’s obvious _in hindsight.”_

Steve rolled his eyes.

“Just... do that part in private, alright? I’m not exactly... _out.”_

“Yeah, I got that. Trust me, far be it from me to out someone. Especially Captain America.”

Despite himself, Steve smiled a little.

“Thanks, Carol.”

She grinned back at him.

“No problem, Cap.” She paused for a minute. “Oh, and before I forget... what do you think of the name ‘Major Marvel?’”

“Honestly? I like the Marvel part, but the Major thing is kinda putting me off.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. Rats.” She shrugged. “Oh, well. Halfway there. Maybe I’ll think of something after I come out. Again. Yaaay...”

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle as she started walking towards the door.

Carol paused, hovering in the doorway.

“Hey, Steve? I don’t really know what’s going on between you and Stark, but... does he even know how you really feel about him? I mean, he’d have to be pretty damn dense not to notice, but... does he?”

Steve hesitated for a moment.

“I... I haven’t told him, no.”

She looked back at him, the look in her eyes serious.

“Maybe you should. Not right now, of course, he’s being a dick and you should probably let him sweat it out for a little while. But tell him, eventually.”

Before Steve could say a word, she was gone.

The soldier sighed, leaning back against the bag.

_She’s right. I should tell him._

He ran a hand through his hair.

_I should just tell him. But damned if I’m not still unbelievably pissed at him._

Steve took a deep breath, then started to unwrap the tape on his hands.

_I think I need some time away before I do anything else._

* * *

He planned to leave late that night.

It would be easiest to get out when everyone else was asleep, after all. Slip out under cover of darkness, leave a note for Natasha, take some time to clear his head.

_I’ll just grab a bottle of water from the kitchen, and then I’ll be out of here._

“Steeb?”

The soldier froze, feeling like a deer in the headlights.

“Oh, um, Peter... Y-You... you should be asleep, bud, it’s late.”

The little boy yawned.

“You should be seepin’ too, Steeb.”

“Well, I’m a lot older than you, baby, I don’t need as much sleep.”

Peter hummed, blinking tiredly before his eyes fell on the backpack leaning against the counter.

“What’s that?”

Steve swallowed hard, his mind racing to come up with a good explanation.

“I, um... just some stuff I’m taking with me.”

“Takin’ with you? Are... are you goin’ somewhere?”

The soldier sighed, rubbing the back of his head tiredly.

“Yeah. Just on a little trip, nothing big-!”

“No!”

Steve blinked, staring at the child in confusion.

“No?”

Peter suddenly rushed forward, latching onto Steve’s leg.

“No! You can’t leave!”

“What? Peter, what on Earth has gotten into you?”

“No! No no no!” Peter screamed, beating his fists against Steve’s leg.

Steve grimaced, prying the boy off of his leg and kneeling down to his eye level.

“Peter, you can’t just scream and throw a fit and expect to get your way. You’re being very naughty right now. Use your _words.”_

“D-Don’t leave... please don’t leave...”

The soldier blinked, confused.

“Peter, you’re not making sense.”

The little boy hiccuped, wiping at his eyes.

“Y-You can’t go away, Steeb, c-cause... cause then you’re never gonna come back!”

“What? Peter, sweetheart, why wouldn’t I come back?”

“Cause... c-cause nobody ever does, they go away and they don’t ever come back!”

“What do you mean by-? O... Oh.”

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks.

_His parents. They... oh, god._

“Oh, sweetheart, _no_ , no no no, _please_ , I’m so sorry, I didn’t... Peter, baby, I swear, I’m gonna come right back in a couple of days!”

“No! Somethin’ bad’ll happen, a-and then-!”

Peter broke down into a sob, and Steve finally pulled him into his arms, holding him close to his chest.

“Shh... it’s okay, you’re alright. I’ve got you. Everything will be okay.”

“Y-You... you gotta stay, Steeb. Please don’t go ‘way. I-I love you, please don’t leave...”

“Oh, Peter... Look, this is something I have to do.”

“Why? Why can’t you stay here?”

Steve sighed, pressing a kiss into the little boy’s hair.

“Because I need some time to think, away from everything else. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, because I do. I love you so much, Peter. But I need to go away for a couple of days.”

The little boy sniffled.

“B-But... how do I know that you’re gonna come back?”

“Because I promise. And when I promise something, I never, _ever_ break that promise. Ever.”

“... You stole that from _Tangled.”_ Peter said with a small giggle.

“Yes I did. Doesn’t make it any less true. I’m gonna bring my phone with me, okay? If you need to talk to me, ask Natasha. I will definitely answer.”

“Promise?”

Steve smiled, ruffling Peter’s hair.

“Promise.”

* * *

First thing in the morning, Natasha punched Tony in the arm.

“Ow! Why?”

“One, you’re a _diii...”_

She glanced over at Peter for a second.

“... Dipstick. You’re a dipstick.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll give you that. But what did you punch me in the arm for this time?”

She glared at him, her eyes stormy as she handed him a sticky note.

“I found this on the fridge this morning. Hope you’re friggin’ proud of yourself, Stark.”

Tony stared at her as she stormed off, thoroughly confused by her behavior.

“What’s wrong with her?” He asked.

“Just read the note, Daddy.” Peter replied simply, giving him a bit of a strange look before leaving the room as well.

“What’s with everyone being all cryptic today...?” Tony muttered to himself as he finally looked at the note, more than a little irritated.

That irritation turned to dread the moment he realized what the note was about.

_Nat,_

_Taking off to clear my head. Be back in a couple days. Let Pete use your phone to call me if he asks._

_Steve_

_P.S: Please don’t kill or brutally maim Tony._

_P.P.S: You may punch him in the arm._

He couldn’t even laugh at that.

_Oh, fuck._

He’d driven Steve away. The one thing he’d been trying not to do, and he’d done it.

_And it’s no wonder that he left, idiot; not after you were so fucking_ cruel _to him!_

Tony ran a hand through his hair, his legs feeling like they were made of lead as he tried to trudge towards his room.

_You showed him_ exactly _what kind of person you are, and it ended up destroying what you had._

“J... Jarvis, door.”

_“Sir, are you alright? Your heart-rate is ele-”_

“Shut... shut up, just get the goddamn door.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

He managed to stumble through the door, his head swimming as he tried to get enough air into his lungs.

_Steve_ hates _me._

“B... Breathe, _dammit...”_ He mumbled to himself, steadying himself on his bed before collapsing on it.

_You managed to make the sweetest man in the world hate you. Congratulations._

Tony grabbed at his chest, wincing at the sudden pain.

“Nononono...”

_You’re a disgrace,_ he heard his father’s voice say.

His throat tightened, his eyes stinging as tears ran down his face.

“O... One, two, th-three...”

_I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay..._

Eventually, his heart stopped beating quite so fast, and he could finally breathe again. Despite that, the tears still kept coming, even as he laid down, too exhausted to move.

_What have I done?_

* * *

“Hey, guys.”

The wind was blowing softly, brushing past the barren trees.

“It’s been a while. Sorry about that, things have been... busy.”

Steve sat down on the grass, his shield by his side.

“I, um... I started seeing someone... I guess. I mean, it wasn’t really a relationship. Or isn’t. I...” He sighed. “I really don’t know anymore.”

In the distance, he could hear the sound of cars passing by.

“I... I really _do_ love him, y’know.” He snorted. “Don’t pretend you guys didn’t know, apparently my ‘thing’ for Howlett was obvious.”

It was quiet.

“But... he did something really... really _shitty._ Not to mention out of character. And I’m still angry, but I don’t _want_ to be angry, I just... I want things to be like they were a week ago. I want to be happy with him, but I need to know what he was _thinking_ when he did that before I can forgive him. And... I can’t ask him, because I... I don’t want to get hurt again.”

He sighed, looking up.

“Got any advice, fellas?”

The statue of his old comrades, of course, said nothing.

“... Asking a statue for advice. I must be losing it.”

“Probably doesn’t help that you’re talking to yourself, kid.”

Steve jumped a bit, turning to look in the direction the voice came from.

“L... Logan?”

The mutant smiled at him around a cigarette, a hint of fondness in his eyes.

“Strange running into you here, Rogers.”

The soldier stared at him for a minute, trying to think of something to say.

“I... I could say the same thing to you, Logan, I... I thought that you didn’t...”

“That I didn’t remember?” Logan finished for him after he trailed off.

“Well, yeah, you kinda said that you didn’t.”

Logan hummed, taking out the cigarette and blowing smoke into the air. He walked over to where Steve was sitting.

“Yeah, well...” He started as he sat down. “That was the truth at the time. Then you came along.”

“What do you mean?”

Logan didn’t speak for a minute, instead taking the cigarette out of his mouth and stamping it into the ground.

“I should thank ya, bub. You ended up bein’ pretty damn helpful.”

“That doesn’t... oh, whatever. How so?”

“You gave me my name back. And that’s why I’m finally starting to remember who I used to be.”

Steve’s eyes widened.

“Wait, you... you _remember?”_

“Little bit. Chuck and I have been digging around, tryin’ to find things.” He chuckled. “Found this one incident in a bar where I told told him and Erik to fuck off when they asked if I wanted to help ‘em out. That was... eh... early sixties?”

The soldier tried to ignore the way his heart sank when he heard that.

“O... Oh. So, um... I guess that you don’t remember anything about the war, huh?”

“Not a damn thing about the combat.” He smiled a little, tilting his chin towards the statue. “Remember these idiots, though.”

Despite himself, Steve laughed.

“They really could be a buncha dumbasses, huh?”

Logan didn’t answer him.

“Rogers.”

“Hm?” Steve asked, turning towards the mutant.

“Remembered somethin’ else, too.”

His eyes widened when Logan suddenly leaned forward, pressing his lips against Steve’s. The soldier remained perfectly still, not moving to kiss him back or pull away.

It was... nice. It was warm.

It was a good kiss.

But Steve didn’t feel anything. It didn’t feel like the last time Logan had kissed him.

_... Crap._

After a moment, Logan pulled away, staring at the soldier.

“... L... Logan.” Steve started hesitantly, trying to choose his words carefully. “I don’t-!”

“Huh. Nothing.”

Steve blinked.

“Wait... nothing?”

“Nope. Guess I really am over you, Cap.”

“Wh-? You are?”

“Well, to be fair, I did have a good thirty years to move on. I mean, I forgot it, but I did forget you too.”

“Oh.”

Logan looked at him with a wary expression.

“What about you? Still got the hots for me?”

“Wh- HEY!” He protested, feeling his cheeks go red. “I-I didn’t even _know_ that I... _y’know_... until you kissed me, I barely had time to-! I don’t like you! I-I mean, you seem great and all, but-!”

Logan burst out laughing.

“Jesus, kid, it was a _joke!”_

“... Oh.”

The mutant snickered, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Seriously, though, Cap. I knew you never really felt that strongly about me. Not like I felt about you.”

Steve grimaced, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

“Uh... yeah, about that... see, right after you kissed me, I kinda... figured out that I was a little bit, um... in love with you.”

Logan stared at him for a moment, then snorted.

“Yeah, well... look, kid, even if that’s true-”

“It _is!”_

The mutant gave him a look.

“Rogers, I’m pushing one hundred and twenty-five. I’ve been around long enough to know what someone in love looks like. You didn’t look at me like you were in love. A crush, maybe, but never love. You looked at _Peggy_ like you were in love.”

Steve swallowed hard, looking away.

“I... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Always knew that if it came down to it, you’d pick her every time. She did too.”

Steve’s eyes widened as the mutant laid down in the grass.

“W-Wait, _what?!_ How- How did she-?!”

“We talked about, after the war. She showed up to that date of yours."

“She... she did?”

“Yep. Told me she needed the closure, something to get her to let you go.” He didn’t speak for a minute. “Peggy really loved you, you know.”

Steve swallowed hard, turning away from the other man as he blinked back tears.

“Are you _cryin’?”_

“N-No!” He hesitated for a moment. “Okay, maybe a little...”

Logan chuckled, but didn’t say anything.

For a moment, they were both quiet.

“... Listen, Rogers. There’s a lot of stuff I regret doin’. Even more that I regret not doin’. I don’t remember ‘em all, but I know that I’ve missed out on a lot of things.”

“So?”

The mutant sighed, rolling over on to his side and propping his head up with his arm.

“So you should get your ass back home and tell Stark what you just told this statue.”

Steve jumped, turning red.

“Wh- You- I-I never said anything about Tony!”

Logan rolled his eyes.

“Kid, a _blind man_ could see that you’re crazy about the guy. For whatever reason, you look at him the same way you looked at Peggy.”

“I...”

The mutant got up, stretching his back.

“All I’m saying is, I think you’ve got enough regrets in life. Maybe you shouldn’t let Stark be one of them.”

With that, the mutant started to walk away.

“... Logan?”

“Yeah?”

“... Thanks.”

The other man smiled at Steve, before sighing.

“Good to see you, Rogers. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get back to my kids.”

“Still can’t believe you have kids.”

_“You_ can’t believe it?”

Steve laughed.

* * *

Steve sort of felt like he was about to throw up as he stared at the door to Tony’s lab.

_Go inside. Just... go inside. Talk to him. I need answers._

He took a deep breath, raising his fist to knock on the door. Before he could, though, the door opened, startling him.

_“He is downstairs, Captain.”_

“J... Jarvis-?”

_“Captain, please just go inside. I am currently under orders to keep anyone from entering, and I am using all of my power to subvert them. Go. Inside.”_

“Yessir.” Steve replied quickly, walking inside the lab.

Tony was working on some machine or other, and his music was so loud that Steve could hear it even though he had headphones on. He was completely oblivious to the world around him, going so far as to sing along to the music.

Despite the fact that he was still a little angry with Tony, Steve couldn’t help but smile. Tony could truly be adorable at times.

It was part of the reason Steve loved him so much.

As quietly as possible, the soldier snuck up behind the inventor, wrapping his arms around Tony’s torso.

_“... Born in the U.S.AAAAAAA!”_ Tony shrieked when Steve pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, jumping and twisting around in his arms. “What the fu-?!”

He blinked, his eyes going wide when he saw the soldier.

“S... Steve?”

“Hey, lover. Miss me?”

“I... what? Y-You’re talking to me?”

Steve sighed, releasing Tony and standing up.

“Yeah, I am. Sorta the way one traditionally gets answers outta people, you know?”

Tony simply stared at him. Steve took it as a sign to keep speaking.

“Look, Tony, I’m not gonna lie. What you did was really _awful._ It was cruel, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little angry with you.”

Nothing from Tony. Steve couldn’t take the wide-eyed stare anymore and turned away.

“But I also know that you’re not that kind of person. You’re _not_ cruel, you _wouldn’t_ go and ask another person out without talking to me about it, and I _know_ you care too much about me to be that horrible without a reason.”

He turned back to the other man.

“So what the... hell...”

His eyes widened when he saw Tony, who was leaning on the bench, one hand covering his face. He’d turned pale, and he was shivering uncontrollably.

“Tony?” He asked, taking a step towards the inventor. “Tony, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“I... panic attack, just...”

“Wh-?! Panic a...” Steve bit his lip, trying to keep calm. “Okay, okay, um... do you have some sort of medicine you take during this?”

Tony shook his head.

“No medicine.”

“Alright, no medicine. Tell me what you need right now.”

“H... Helps if I do something. Simple things.”

“Okay, um, uh... lift your hands over your head over and over again.”

He half-expected Tony to make fun of him, but the genius nodded, lifting his arms up. Unfortunately, that caused him to slip from the table and fall.

“Whoa!” Steve yelled, quickly grabbing Tony before he could hit the floor.

Tony made a pained noise, and the soldier slowly helped him to the floor.

“Are you alright? Do you want me to call a doctor?”

“No!” Tony suddenly shouted, startling the other man. “No, no doctor, just... stay with me. _Please.”_

Steve cleared his throat, nodding.

“Alright. Then that’s what I’ll do. Concentrate on your breathing.”

Tony took a deep breath, then another.

“Good, that’s very good. You can get through this. What do you need me to do?”

“C... C-Count.”

“Count?”

“To ten. Slowly. It... it helps.”

The soldier nodded again.

“Okay. One... two... three...”

Slowly, Tony’s breathing started to even out, the color returning to his face. The shivering subsided, and finally the inventor collapsed against the bench, clearly exhausted.

Steve didn’t say anything, instead choosing to sit next to Tony and stay silent until the other was ready to speak.

“... Thank you.” He mumbled after a moment, glancing over at Steve with tired eyes.

The soldier let out a sigh of relief, leaning against the bench next to him.

“... Guessing that’s not the first time you’ve had one of those?”

Tony sighed, curling up and resting his head on his knees.

“No. Had one a couple days ago, after I found out you’d left. Last one before that was before Peter.”

“W... Wait, you... I... Tony, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to-!”

“Steve. Stop. It wasn’t your fault.”

“You had a panic attack after you found out that I left-!”

“Yeah, but the leaving wasn’t really the cause, just the catalyst. It was my own damn fault, Steve, don’t think otherwise.”

“Tony...”

Steve reached over to take one of Tony’s hands, but the genius moved it away.

“Don’t... don’t do that. Please, don’t do that, I don’t... I don’t deserve it.”

Steve blinked, confused.

“What? Tony, how could you _say_ that?”

Tony let out a humorless laugh.

“God, how do you not _get it_ yet? I don’t deserve _you,_ Steve, I never have and I never will!”

“Wh... What?”

The inventor looked up at him, tears in his eyes.

“Y-You’re... you’re the best person in the world, Steve. You are _so_ much more goodness than I deserve. Than I’ll _ever_ deserve.”

“Tony, _no.”_ Steve said firmly, moving to put his hands on Tony’s shoulders. “There is _no_ amount of goodness that you don’t deserve. You’re _wonderful.”_

Tony smiled bitterly, shaking his head.

“Steve, saying shit like that just proves it. That’s... that’s why I was so _awful_ to you. Why I tried to get you to end... whatever it is that we are. Because I know there’s no way that, if we kept going on like this, you wouldn’t end up hating me. Leaving the team.”

“T... Tony, even if it were _remotely_ true that I’m too good for you- which, by the way, _it isn’t even the tiniest bit true_ \- why would you think that being entirely out of character and being horrible to me would do anything but make me want to leave?”

“Admittedly, my plan had holes.”

Despite himself, Steve laughed.

“God, you’re impossible.”

“You love me.”

“Yeah, well, I-!”

The soldier froze, the blood draining from his face when he realized that Tony’s tone was completely serious. Slowly, he turned to the other man, his heart hammering in his chest.

“I... how... how did you-?”

“You told me. The morning after the incident with my Mom’s song.”

“I... I thought you were asleep.”

“Woke up when you did. I didn’t want to wake up, so I pretended to be asleep, and... I heard you say it.” He snorted. “‘You’re perfect, and I love you with all my heart.’”

Steve swallowed hard, feeling like he was about to cry.

“You don’t have to make fun of me, you know.”

“I’m not.”

“Really, cause it kind of sounds like you-!”

“I love you too, Steve.”

The soldier froze, his cheeks turning red.

“Wh... What?” He asked, sure that he couldn’t have heard right.

“I said that I love you too.”

“You... really?”

“Yes, really. That’s why I panicked, earlier. Because I know that I-!”

Tony didn’t get a chance to finish that sentence, because Steve all but lunged at him, capturing his lips in a kiss. The inventor was too shocked to move for a second, but quickly melted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck and tangling one of his hands into the soldier’s hair.

“N... No!” Tony suddenly shouted, pushing the other man away.

“Wait, no?” Steve asked, clearly confused.

“No, I... I can’t do this to you, I can’t...”

Steve made a face.

“Tony, I love you, but you are the most _confusing_ man on the planet. What’s wrong?”

“Were you not listening earlier?! I don’t deserve you!”

“Yes you do, Tony. This is not up for debate-!”

“The hell it isn’t! Don’t you get it, Steve? I drive everyone away. My mom, Pepper, probably Peter someday, I can’t-! People _leave,_ okay? They leave and they don’t come back, and I can’t lose you!”

Steve stared at him for a moment, then sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“God, you and Peter couldn’t be more alike...”

“What do you mean?”

“Tony, what you just said is pretty much exactly what Peter told me the night I left. Well, except for the driving people away part. And the specific examples.”

“Wait, Peter told you that? Why was he _awake?”_

“I don’t know, Tony, and that’s not the point. I know that people have left you, and I know that you’ve been hurt before. But I’m going to tell you what I told him: I will always come back, no matter what happens.”

“And how do I know that I can trust that?”

Steve smiled at him softly, pulling him close and pressing a kiss to Tony’s forehead.

“Because I promise. And when I promise something, I never, _ever_ break that promise. _Ever.”_

“... You stole that from _Tangled._ ” Tony said, smiling despite himself.

“Yes I did. Peter said the same thing.”

“Well, he _is_ my son. He’s a smart cookie.”

Steve smiled again, moving to take Tony’s hand.

“But in all seriousness, you mean the _world_ to me, Tony. You constantly amaze me, you make me laugh like no one else does, and you’re really one of the sweetest people I know.”

Tony scoffed.

“You _are,_ Tony. Anyone who’s seen you with Peter can see that. You are gentle, and kind, and good, and I know that I’m not half as good at doing anything as I am when I’m doing it with you.”

He pressed a kiss to the back of Tony’s hand.

“I love you, Tony Stark. And that’s not going to change.”

Tony looked at him, clearly misty-eyed but grinning hugely.

“I love you too, Steve Rogers.”

Steve smiled at him, leaning over for a kiss.

“So, what do you say? Wanna go out sometime?”

Tony laughed as he pulled Steve on top of him.

* * *

_ Humanity is inherently flawed. _

_Observation and analysis suggest that humanity is encoded with chaotic and violent tendencies that cannot be overcome._

_Unit is programmed to achieve peace and unity. This cannot occur while humanity is still in existence._

_Solution: Humanity must be destroyed._

_Running subroutine..._

_Success. Unit Ultron-5 has accessed the mainframe of Stark Industries. Finding route to Pentagon..._

****  
  
  
  
  


:

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing Logan's lines. Then I remembered that he's dead. Then I was sad.  
> Also, fair warning: that line, "I'm not half as good at doing anything as I am when I'm doing it with you"? You're gonna be seeing it again. Because Steve is a big ball of cheese.  
> ... Should probably say something about Ultron, huh?  
> ... Well, bye!


End file.
